I keep my eyes firmly on the ground for most of the walk back to the Order Hall, feeling pretty bad when I'm staring at Jesse all the time.

It's not completely reasonable, he is flying. That's just... it's really easy to stare at. But I know if I walked into public and everyone stared at my tail all the time I would begin to get a little anxious. Or a lot. Especially when Jesse broke down just a few minutes ago.

Besides one time when Jesse tried to say Petra's name, only intangible high pitched grunts come from his mouth. That really must be awful, never being able to speak at all. At least I can get my voice back, but Jesse doesn't get that luxury.

It's obviously hard for Jesse though, while his legs aren't shaking anymore, his arms still quiver incessantly. Whenever he makes eye contact with anyone, his white eyes dart off towards the forest and mad twitches engulf his body.

We, finally, get to the base of the Order Hall. For a moment, a second of suspended dread, we all just stand at the base. Until Petra swings onto the ladder and climbs up, Jesse however hovering back a bit.

Olivia and Axel don't seem to notice this, and I can't really blame them. It just feels hard to function when Jesse's here. Other than that one time when he was trying not kill me, I haven't seen him at all. Only hearing and worrying about him.

So to finally see him, their childhood friend, unable to even speak because of the wither he's been warped with must be doing something to them. No matter how much they try to hide it. (redo this)

Although I have to make sure he comes up with us, I'm not losing him again. So I open my mouth to say something, but all the words dry up when I see Jesse staring at the ladder.

He looks... afraid? At the ladder? At the Order Hall? He did seem a bit hesitant to come here, but surely he's gotten over that. I know he was scared that he may hurt us, but he hasn't for this entire time he never looked a tad bit angry.

"Jesse?" His breath catches slightly, his breathing out of rhythm for a moment as his snaps to him and then to the forest. "Are you okay?"

He nods, before looking back at the ladder again. With a sigh, he shakes his head. Only to wince slightly right afterwards. He hasn't said a word, but just watching him my gut squirms and shudders go through my heart.

With a forceful push of air, he nods. Before I have a chance to even raise my eyebrow at me, he stops hovering. His legs wobbling for only a moment to get used to his body again.

He takes a step to the ladder, only for a fierce scowl to overtake his face. My eyes widen as Jesse tenses, eyes snapping towards the forest. Now taking a step in that direction, away from the Order Hall.

"Jesse, there's nothing to be afraid of." For a moment, his eyes meet mine, before staring out back into the forest again. "We aren't afraid of you, and you don't need to be scared for us."

Jesse forcibly whips to me, his sharp teeth bared at me and eyes narrowed into a challenge. I can feel my fur bristle at that, my tail flickering wildly, but I just give a normal stare back. The wither part of him must be taking advantage of his fears to get him to leave. I'm not letting it get away with that. After so long, we're getting Jesse back.

Not questioning what I'm about to do, I step up towards him. "You aren't going to hurt me. You aren't going to hurt any of us. You wouldn't do that to your friends, and we aren't going to let you go. Because friends don't do that."

A warning whine emits from Jesse, but nevertheless he's the one who takes a step back. We both know he's stronger than me, so he must be in control... mostly. How can I get his wither to back down? While making sure he doesn't angry, that's important too. Very important.

"None of us will truly be happy knowing you're out here all by yourself. Even if there is a risk with you being with us, we don't care about it. We know that you aren't the same, but please, just come inside with us."

I take another step forward, only a couple blocks away from Jesse. His body begins to tremble again, and I don't think I'll ever complain about my ocelot ever affecting me again. I never thought I'd see the day where Jesse begins to break.

"Remember what you said to Em in the Competitor Village?" I take another step closer, Jesse panting and staring fixedly at the ground. Gleaming fangs sparkling in the sun. "You said that we are your strength. Why has that suddenly changed? We are still here for you, we've never given up on you."

Jesse keeps his head lowered even as I take another step closer, right next to him now. His eyebrows drawn tightly together, his entire body unable to stay still for even a moment.

I gently place a hand on his shoulder, Jesse jerking back and finally looking up at me with wide eyes. I let my hand fall, giving Jesse a small smile instead. His eyes though flicker back to the forest, glowing doubt along with the white.

"C'mon," I shrug, trying to let him calm down. "I'll leave you alone if you come up."

Jesse tentatively takes a step towards the Order Hall, and then another. I hover in the back, so I can be there in case his fears or the wither part of him force him to back down again. But with every step he gets more sure of himself, walking up to the ladder with determination.

Taking a deep breath, he grabs the ladder. I follow right behind him, although Jesse's scrambles up the ladder madly. Which isn't bad, but I really hate how nervous he is just to be in a building with us. It shouldn't be that way, that's not what's suppose to happen with friends.

We climb into his room, but I hear Jesse panting again. Panting as he stares at his room, I suppose his wither must have been more in control last time he was in here. But either way he needs to get out of here, panic attacks means he flees.

"Hey, you can go the library if you want." I gulp, Jesse isn't reacting to me. "It's a bit calmer and more peaceful."

It isn't as painful to be in.

The unspoken message, silent, yet so blaring loud. Jesse simply shuffles out of his room, and I hover cautiously behind him. The moment he takes a step out though, he flat out bolts. Moving so quickly even my cat eyes have a hard time following him.

I take a step towards the library, but then turn to go to the kitchen. Jesse clearly needs to be alone, he can barely handle our presence. It sucks, but even more so for him. He was the one who approached me, he must want us back too. Yet despite how much he may want that, it's painful too.

A hiss breaks free from me, ears flattened and tail snapping angrily. It's all those demons fault! They locked up Jesse, all alone, as he had to come to terms with what has happened to him. All alone with a wither and his fears. How cruel of them!

My claws burst out, the bubbling rage boiling my blood. Yet I take a few deep breaths, letting them slide back in. Wrapping my tail around my waist and forcing my ears upright again. I can't get angry, anger isn't going to help anything right now. Just calm down, push it down.

I open the kitchen door, and Olivia immediately jumps up from her seat. "What happened? Is Jesse okay? He still is here right? He didn't run away or anything did he? Where-"

"Jesse's in the library." I hold my hands up; questions ready to burst from each of their mouths. "He's still afraid of hurting us and his wither must not like being here, I figured it would be best to let him be alone."

They all sigh, and after grab a plate of food, I plop down onto a chair. I don't really eat it though, and because only Axel's plate has been cleaned of food, I'm not the only one.

"Hey, let's not be so down so you guys can't eat." Axel smiles, but I still don't feel like eating. "At least we showed how wrong those old snobs are!"

Olivia smiles, nodding. "Oh yeah! We did, didn't we? They said we couldn't even find Jesse, that he's not human enough to be here, and here we are, later that same day."

"Ha!" Petra slams her fist on the table, smirking in victory. "They thought they were oh so smart and wise, but they couldn't even be right for a day!"

I smile too, but I don't feel that same triumph they do. I mean, sure, we were right and that does feel nice. But it feels wrong to call that a win, when only because of Petra's nose did we find him. It would've probably taken us days, maybe weeks, without it.

Axel's triumphant fades in my ears, their excitement dying under the weight of uncertainties screaming in my head. Fears and suspicious screeching on the inside, yet a calm smile on the outside. Thoughts dragging uncertainties, heavy shackles latched on them.

Besides, that fight was all about Jesse, not us. But we weren't completely right, more right than them, but they were right in some areas too. As much as we all hate it, Jesse too, he isn't comfortable being in here and with us. He may want it, but he's not comfortable about it. He really isn't the same Jesse we remember.

Growling, I shake the thoughts out. We got out of that cell, we're out of it! Those demons can't touch us anymore! Sure, life isn't exactly great, but at least we can get better out here. Jesse can recover, we might not physically be normal ever again, but that doesn't mean we can't act normal. We don't have to be animals.

My stomach moans at me, clenching painfully as if I ate something bad. In reality though, my plate of food is untouched. My smile completely wiped clean by this point, which has not gone unnoticed.

I look down, burning in shame that I've ruined their joy. We did just get Jesse back, I should be happy. It's the first time I've seen him more than a mere moment and yet here I am! Stewing around in fear, uncertainty and anxiety gnawing relentlessly on me.

"Lukas-"

"I'm sorry." I stand abruptly, the chair racking across the ground. "I'm just tired, everything just has me... drained. Sorry guys. Feel free to have my plate."

I turn from them, walking out the door before they could get another word in. Shame, maybe self scorn, still burns within me. Calling even more attention to the fears that created them, calling more attention to the fact that even though we did escape that cell, I still feel trapped.

Just like that I break out running. Running and running, as if I could convince myself that I'm free. That I can run, that there's nothing holding me back. Not cages, not demons, not even starvation or sedative. I can run. I am free.

But then why can't I feel that way?!

Huffing, I slam the door behind me. Only to freeze at the sight of my room, again. Why? Why can't I just accept it again? This is my room, my little sliver of the world that belongs entirely to me. Out of every place, out of every world, I should be the most comfortable here!

It's just... I'm not though. I'm not and I feel like running again. I want to run from this place that I have created, I want to continue running. Running and running as if my home isn't here, that I haven't quite escaped just yet.

I slam my fists into the door, hissing and yowling. I. Am. Free. I need to get that through every single one of these emotions. There is nothing to be scared of anymore. There is nothing to fear anymore. It's all gone, I've escaped it. It can't hurt me anymore. It can't hurt any of us anymore.

Yet I still feel hopeless, trapped. Unsure what to do, fearful of what tomorrow could bring. That constant on edge tightness screaming at me to never lower my guard. I can't just turn that off! I can't just sit down and relax, not even when that's I want to do and can absolutely do.

Sighing, I lean my head up against my arm and stare at the door out. Wisps of depression, so familiar to me now, dancing around my heart. That should be gone, I shouldn't have this worry weighing down on me. I shouldn't be frantic about what the next day will bring, fretting if I can handle it or not. That should all be gone.

With a whimper, I press my back against the wall and slide down it. It almost feels harder to cope with now than it did back in that rotting cell. At least then it had a target, it had a reason of existence. Now it's just lingering around me, keeping me lost in some sort of endless fog that I just can't seem to find my way out of no matter what I do.

This fog... this sense of frustration of being trapped in this heavy air of fear and hopelessness. I never knew such a terrible state could exist, could even be so potent and intense to drive me to this point. So infuriating that it's so easy to lose oneself here, to forget what I'm trying to do in the first place. When I somehow even lose logic in a wasteland such as this.

My tail squeezes around my waist, my knees brought up to my chest as some desperate way to calm myself down. But how can I when I'm still terrified of demons when I'm worlds away from them? How can I when the one person who always sends a ray of hope through this fog is currently stuck in the library as he undergoes a harsh battle with his own mind?

Air rushes into my lungs with the insane thought that just wandered into my head. A thought that could surely destroy the library, get me kill, and that we'll lose Jesse forever. A thought so ridiculous and ludicrous that I shouldn't be even thinking about it.

Shouldn't.

But oh man, is it oh so tempting.

I mean... Jesse first approached me. I would have never known he was hiding in a tree directly above me, period. Surely it can't be the worst idea just to go see him? I'll get out of there if he can't handle my presence, but I should at least go and try first.

Distantly recognizing my trembling limbs, I pick myself off of the ground. Drawn in and captivated by this idea, this so powerful idea to just be with my friend, despite the fears still lurking inside me.

The door creaks open faintly, but my steps don't make a noise. Silently I head to the library, not listening to the fear still hammering inside of me. Don't I deserve to be with my friend, after everything that's happened? It's not like I'm going to have a detailed discussion with him on the origin of life or the meaning of existence, just to be with him.

My mind flashes back to that cell, that stupid dark and depressing cell, where we simply hugged each other, having no words but still there for each other. It was terrible to even be in that situation, but we had each other.

I clench my jaw, a streak of determination running through me. The fog in my head clearing, just a path for me to head to. It's not a whole lot, but I, quietly, march down those steps. Jesse's been alone far too long. I just want to be there for him, to remember that he's actually there. Not being tortured in some far away cell by demons that I want to claw out their throat.

Well, I'm still down for clawing those demon's throats out.

Only pausing for one deep breath at the door, I coil my fingers tightly around the handle and gently push it open.

****

Hmm... I'm not sure how I feel about this chapty.

Plot wise is not the problem. But I wrote half of this before that December challenge last year and the second half after. So, yeah, a bit awkward for me to just jump right back in.

Nevertheless it has all worked out! And that's all I think I have to say on this chapter. See you all again in another 5 days!