I close my eyes and take a deep breath, relaxing myself to start, yet getting pumped up for it at the same time. I shake my arms, getting rid of the tense muscles and letting the toughened skin thin out again. My booming pulse won't be slowing down enough for this to be the prefect practice session, but oh well. I'm still in the beginning.

I snap my eyes opens, screeching as I snap my fist back. Thicking the skin in the second I take to slam it forward.

Crack!

A nice strong line breaks from where my fist collided with the trunk. It creaks slowly, and I push it away from me. The tree instantly leans and falls down that way, any bird taking refuge in its leaves long gone by now. Yet despite the huge spilt I caused, there's only a dull ache in my knuckles. No pain inflicted at all.

The tree crashes onto the ground, and I glance around at the other trees scattered around. I didn't realize it, but I've made a clearing. Granted, you can't consider the tree trunks.

My monster growls in satisfaction, and I can't help but feel a smudge of pride at this scene before me. Each one of these trees, brought down by a single punch. Well, the first one took two, but only because I was hesitant. It's clear that I can be extremely powerful if I choose to be, nothing can stop me.

Then the worm of guilt and shame wiggle its way into my stomach, scolding me for taking joy in this carnage. Should I really be happy that I have this sort of power? Aiden sure loved to destroy stuff too, look where that got him. I shouldn't be acting like a monster.

I push that away, I'm not doing this for personal gain. I'm doing to it to destroy those demons and the devil that leads them once and for all. I'm doing nothing more than training for a mission, there's nothing wrong with that. That doesn't make me a monster.

The worm of doubt slinks away, the emptiness in my stomach now apparent. I peek up at the sun, and even my enhanced eyes need some shade from the sun's glare. It's probably only an hour or two before dark, best to find something to eat and then find a spot to sleep.

As I walk away, I pause to look back at the mess of fallen trees. It doesn't look that appealing, but oh well. Some critter will make a home in the logs, birds will make new nests, and now moss can grow on the fallen bark. Nothing bad will happen.

The thought of practicing how to speak again flows into my thoughts, my monster growling its disapproval. I can feel waves of irritation coming from it, and it must think that speaking is a huge waste of time. Monsters don't need to speak.

But... I do have time to kill. Most of the animals around here have scampered away by the falling trees. At some point I do want to be with my friends again, even if that has to wait until after I obliterate some particular demons.  

A rabbit struts into my view, and freezes when it catches sight of me. I smirk at it, the potent scent of its fear enticing my nose already. I suppose I'm not hungry for a huge animal anyway, and a chase would be really fun.

It bolts and I chase after it, effortlessly keeping up with it. Winding through the trees with it as if I've been chasing bunnies my entire life. The sharp scent of its terror exciting my heart.

There are multiple chances for me to pounce on it, and I can easily pick up my pace if I needed to. But I simply chase it and chase it, playing with it more than anything. Prolonging the time I get to enjoy its fright.

A chuckle, only slightly breathless, escapes me as the rabbit as no choice but to slow down. It's muscles simply cannot keep up the pace that its terror demands of it, but it still desperately runs as fast as it can away from me. But it was dead the moment I saw it, it can't escape me now. Nothing can.

I stop listening to other noises and scents, only focusing on the terror of the bunny. I don't need to worry about anything else, nothing else can do a thing against me. I am the strongest, nothing can even pose a threat to me out here.

The bunny messes up in its exhaustion, its poor little body failing over the ground until I pounce on it. Bringing my talons back to quickly swipe across its neck-

"Jesse?" I freeze, the bunny scampering out of my grasp and darting away, but it's the least of my concerns. That voice, it's Olivia's. "Jesse! We've been looking for you!"

I scramble back as I hear rapid footsteps approaching me. I don't even turn to them, just turn tail to escape. I can't believe I decided to oblivious, allowing myself to be consumed by the rabbit's fear. I can't be with my friends, I can't trust myself with them.

"Wait! Get back here Jesse!" I ignore Petra and run faster, all my excitement turning into panic. Way too much panic for this situation calls for, but oh well. I just need to get out of here.

I break into the clearing of fallen trees, only to snap back into the forest. The pounding of my heart drowning out thoughts as I just need to get away. I can't hurt them, and I don't want to be around them. I will hurt them if I don't get away.

My heart lurches in my chest, my monster is way too much in control. It growls at me as I try to take back control, so I glide its attention up to the trees. Almost as second nature I jump up the tree, my razor sharp fingers digging into the bark and my wolffish feet keeping grip and pushing me up.

I listen to my friends race to follow me, letting my heart calm down. The inflated panic dimming to what it's suppose to be, more rational. My monster keeps me tense though, it wants to get farther away. It wants to be farther away from my friends, but I don't necessarily want to. If I'm not going to allow it to hurt my friends, it wants to get away from them.

"Where'd he go?" Axel's voice seems to be coming from the clearing, but he doesn't sound shocked or scared at all. Just... frustrated that I'm gone now. But why isn't he afraid? Even I'm afraid of myself. I'm a monster.

If I'm around them I could cause them so much harm. I'm dangerous to them, I need to leave. One mistake and I could ruin them. Why would they be looking for that?

"Hey, hey, hold up..." Petra seems like she's onto something and I gulp, my monster really tearing at me to get away. Even trying to fight for controls again, but something is still holding me here. A vestige of my former self. "I think I got his scent!"

Leaves and sticks are crushed by their feet as they run to where I'm at. I need to get out of here, I can't hurt them. With the monster shrieking and snarling for control, there's such a high chance of me hurting them. I need to leave.

"Wait! Where'd it go?" Petra, right below me, swivels her head left to right. "It just ends right here! And it's just from a moment ago! Jesse can't just disappear can he?"

Lukas's cat ears flicker, and I try my absolute hardest to not make a sound. "Impossible, withers can't turn invisible. Even if they can, that doesn't get rid of his scent."

"He has to be somewhere." I choke down a cry when my attention turns to my one arm friend. "Let's look around."

My four friends separate, but I still don't move a muscle. But I do give in to my monster, I do need to leave. If I stay then I could end up hurting them. They've already been through a lot, I can't do even more damage. I can't hurt them more.

I, as silently as possible, begin to move on my branch. Jumping to another one, and then to one on a different tree. Trying to make as much distance as I can from where Petra lost my scent. The further I'm away from there, the better.

Only to silently curse in my head when I see Lukas below me. I had to go in the same direction as the one with the best hearing. Still though, it doesn't seem like he has heard anything yet, and I plan to keep it that way.

Moving from branch to branch, I begin to get away from him. I do keep him in the corner of my eye, just in case, but steadily get farther and farther from him.

But freeze when a sharp cry of frustration pierces the air, and I make the mistake of turning back to Lukas. Moving so I'm able to see him running a hand through his hair, face tight with shoulders drooping, even his tail drooping.

They came out here looking for me, and here I am actively trying to avoid them. I've been in their presence long enough... and I haven't tried to hurt them or anything. Perhaps I could go down to Lukas? Besides, it's just him. I'd only have to control my monster for him. I can be human long enough for that, just to let him know I'm fine and then I can book it out of here.

The monster, unsurprisingly, hates this decision. Screeching at me to get away, that nothing good will come from these people. I am stronger when I stand alone, that's the way it's suppose to be.

I grind my teeth together and glare back at it. It snarls at me, and even tries to gain control again. I kick it back down to its place and begin to move towards Lukas. The monster sulks, but retreats. It isn't in control here, I'm the more dominant one.

Lukas's tail flickers in annoyance as he scans around for me, getting nowhere. Taking a few deep breaths, making sure my heart doesn't get worked up over this. I jump down, landing right behind Lukas.

He freezes, his gasp penetrating the silence. Slowly, he faces me. His eyes so far out that they're barely contained by his eyelids. He's stunned, clearly, but at least he isn't showing any fear. The monster's harder to control when the person's afraid.

"Jesse."

A mere whisper, but I smile. Oh, I smile as joy begins to swell in my heart. I am here, right now, with one of my friends. I'm not going to hurt him in any way, I can just be here and not worry about anything. I don't have to run from him.

Lukas lets out a tense sigh, his face relaxing into a smile of his own. "I can't tell you how much I've missed you."

I open my mouth, and then decide against trying to do that. So I nod, way too eagerly but I don't care, closing my mouth. Since I can't actually speak, I'll just have to play charade style and hope Lukas gets it.

"Language problems?" I nod again, biting my lower lip in shame, but Lukas only gives a sympathetic nod. "I can't say I have it nearly as bad, but I can understand how it feels."

His eyes light up, a bigger smile on his face. "But hey, it's all good. Once we get back to the Order Hall you can write down anything you have to say, and we'll help you get your voice back."

The monster rears to life again, forcing me to take a slight step back from Lukas. The Order Hall? I can feel a rush of hate and fear at being in anywhere that confines me, my heart starting to pick up speed. No, I can't go back there. Contain a monster? It wouldn't take long until I start to falter, and then I'd be a monster. I'd hurt my friends. I can't do that.

"Jesse?" Lukas reaches out towards me, worry shining from his eyes. "Is everything alright?"

I take a deep breath, reminding myself over and over again that this is Lukas. He's my friend. He's my friend. I don't have to worry, I'm fine. Everything's fine. Just deep breaths, more deep breaths, keep on breathing deeply. I don't have to run.

When I finally convince my heart to slow back down, and push down my monster as far away as possible, a relieved sigh passes through my lips. I am in control, everything's going fine. I haven't slipped up yet, I don't have to worry yet.

"Hey, I know it sucks, but we'll be there for you." Lukas reaches out, understanding and a genuine desire to help radiating from him, and he places his hand on my shoulder. "As a team."

Nerves explode to life on my shoulder, an eruption of emotions spewing out. I blink rapidly, trying to stabilize myself. The monster screeching its fury at me for allowing myself to be touched while my heart bursts into a crazed thumping.

How long has it even been since I've been touched? Not counting when I killed other people or were hauled around by demons. It's... so strange, I've gone a long time without it, yet my monster absolutely cannot stand it.

I hang my head, my breathing getting substantially harder as I try so very hard not to move at all. Not to listen to my monster freaking out, its shrieks climbing to a mad panic as it tries to convince me to stop this madness.

Lukas says nothing, but his grip tightens. Just that one little act to show he really is here, he really isn't going to run away in fear, he really does care. I'm not alone, I have a friend again.

I... have a friend again.

My knees wobble, the cries of my monster a distant echo. Even my ration crumbling away.

I have a friend again.

Lifting my eyes back up to Lukas, my dead glowing eyes, he smiles at me, supporting me. Me, not a monster.

I have a true friend with me again.

That does it, my knees collapse. I thrust my face into my razor sharp fingers, trying to hold back the sobs that my stomach is quite rapidly pounding out. My heart going faster and faster as if going faster could help calm down the swirl of chaotic emotions swarming me.

"Whoa," Lukas quickly gets on his knees, hugging me this time. "It's okay, it's okay. Everything's good now. It's okay."

A sharp wail bursts out of my mouth, my whole body trembling at simply being hugged. The monster screeching chaotically in a panic attack, running around and shrieking out an alarm. But I continue to ignore it, I can't say how long it's been since I've had a hug. A real honest to goodness hug.

Slowly, because my mental capacity can barely handle anything with the conflicting storm of happiness, panic, and overall breaking down, I pry my fingers from my face. Burbling wails pushing their way out of my mouth as I try to hold back the sobs from my stomach.

Lukas hugs me harder, murmuring soft reassuring whispers to me. It just continues to break me, remembering vividly all those endless insane hours of being trapped in that cage with nothing but a monster to keep me company, only the shrieks of my breaking sanity to listen to. Yet I grasp onto the back of Lukas's jacket, so he can't leave.

The leather rips, and even though the fabric isn't holding my hands there, I keep them there. It doesn't matter that how badly my arms are shaking, or my entire body, I don't want to move or leave or do anything. Even a monster is allow to hug someone... right?

Another series of sobs are squeezed out of my stomach, and with my hands gone now, I bury my face into Lukas's shoulder. The soft shrills still making their way into the forest.

I can't tell what Lukas is saying anymore, I know he's saying something nice and comforting to me. He's saying things to me that haven't been told to me since whenever ago I got kidnapped. I haven't heard the voice a friend for so long and I can't even hear it over my own sobs, raging heartbeat, and wild pants.

Lukas shifts his head, and my quivering arms tense around him. I can't let him leave, if he were to just vanish right now I'd probably just completely shatter. I've forgotten how good it is to not be alone, to have a friend again and not just a monster for company. I don't think I could handle it again if I lost it a second time so soon.

A crash, a very loud crash makes it to my ears. I freeze, my sobs suspended as my monster begs to flee. If I look that's risking ruining my first hug since being kidnapped, or not look, risking to push my monster over the line.

"Jesse!" I flinch at Axel's loud booming voice, not expecting it and way too on edge to be comfortable with it. "Hey, why are all of you glaring at me?"

My monster hollers at so many people, drilling strength into my legs to get of here. I force my head further into Lukas's shoulder, willing myself not to move as emotions intensify, confusion and panic boiling viciously under the surface. Only for a sharp shriek, which is actually a hiccup, to jerk me away from Lukas.

Another 'hiccup' bursts out, wracking my body. I snap my hands back, trying to cover the banshee shriek that shouldn't be coming out of my mouth. It just shouldn't, and I can feel the eyes of all my friends staring at me as I tremble uncontrollably.

I squeeze my eyes shut, a shrill hiccup flying out again, and I try to dim every emotion. It's weird, I so desperately need to be with my friends now, I can't bare the thought of being all alone again. Yet it's overwhelming, I can't even be still and I don't know what to do or think and I can't even talk to them for crying out loud.

"Jesse?" I refuse to turn to Olivia, I mostly just want to shrivel up into a tiny ball, wait to calm down, and then address my friends. Or run away, running away is definitely the option my monster wants. "Do you want to go back home now?"

My breath catches, my heart skips a beat, a pathetic hiccup and sob create this strangled wail, my body shakes with adrenaline and fear and joy and anxiety and a whole slew of other emotions. Crazed adrenaline flying into my blood, an entire half of me raising a storm in panic.

I nod, desperately, my breath shuddering at what I'm doing. My monster is going to hate it, I might not be able to handle it, yet I'm saying yes. I've gotten greedy, so greedy within only a few minutes. Now that I have my friends I want to go back home even though I know all the dangerous that'll bring. I'm still a monster.

"C'mon Wither Boy," I wheeze as Petra grabs one of my arms and hoists me up. "Let's get you back."

The skin tingles and that arm shakes even worse after Petra's touch. Yet when she lets go, my trembling legs have a hard time keeping me standing. But my monster absolutely refuses to be touched again, it's shaking mad at this point. Shaking mad at my choice, clawing at control to force me to bolt away.

I gasp, terrified that I've crossed a line, and grab at its deranged energy. Flinging it someone where it can't hurt my friends, where that familiar sense of gravity lessening its hold on me. My body becoming lighter and lighter as I pour my monster's strength into it.

Axel comes up next to me, coming to help support my trembling body, when I step away from him, from all my friends. I'm breaking my monster, and I don't want to push it to the point where it shatters, I have to always be able to control it. I can't let it hurt anyone.

"Jesse-" Lukas cuts off when my feet start to hover off of the ground. They all kinda stare at me, blinking rapidly to make sure they're not seeing things. I simply hover, maybe only several inches off the ground.

Thinking how in the Nether I'm going to survive in the Order Hall.