🚫 putting up a WARNING here because I forgot to do so at the beginning. Maya dumb. 🚫

°˖✧*.☽ .*✧˖°

It hurt

My heart, my bruised cheeks, my stomach, my head

Everything ached with pain, my eyes burnt with tears, my legs grew numb.

But I ran, I ran through the familiar route, breathless, itching with the urge to scream. The rain was pouring as heavy as my heart felt, it drenched my 14 year old self, the harsh, cold water soaking the blood stains on my shirt.

When I reached the park, I stopped by the tree and crashed to my knees. I saw you. But you didn't see me. You sat with your knees held close to your chest, looking up at the dusk sky, your pretty eyes observing the diffusion of rich orange into hues of reds and purples. The roots of your hair was a deep brown, diffusing into a similar pink like it had always been.

Just the sight of you was enough. You were my escape.

That day, I didn't approach you. I wanted to run to you, hold you, tell you everything, be with you, but I didn't. You were too pure. And I did not want to break you.

You waited for me until darkness enveloped the sky. But something new sprouted into my mind, spreading doubt to every corners, disturbing me.

Were you really waiting for me?

Did you really care?

It was time for you to return home. I watched you leave with a sad pout. Then, everything crashed down. I screamed, my hands grabbing my hair, nails clawing into my head. I couldn't breathe.

Mum was gone.

And it was my fault.

The horrifying memory hit the replay button in my head, knocking the air out of my lungs, twisting and tearing my heart apart.

'I can't lose you

She threatened to take you away'

Another scream. The scene crossed my mind again, the way I was shoved to the floor, right beside her bloodied corpse, the way her pretty face that once looked at me with love and care, was covered in red, beaten and bruised, the way he grabbed her by her hair and smashed her head against the concrete floor, although she was long dead.

'This is what you do when you love someone
and when they try to take that someone away

it's your fault I had to kill her, Changbin

You killed her.'

I never went to meet you after that.

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A year passed.

Throughout the year, everything changed. I was left behind to live alone with the monster, my dad. Day and night he would get wasted, drowning himself in shots. The stench of alcohol gradually became the norm, every corner of the house reeking of it.

The sick alcoholic would then attack me. He no longer treasured me. I was weak. Too weak to break free from his strong grip. He wrecked me. From punching and kicking until he got tired, to using my body for everything he couldn't satisfy elsewhere.

I was destroyed.

We hadn't met. I never dared walk towards that park. It made me wonder, had you given up someday?

Had you given up on me, on us, Lix?

I yearned to see you, but did everything in my power to not see you. I had to protect you. And I had to protect you from myself. As time went by, I stopped feeling the pain from the abuse. But I was tired of it. I was weak. I had to kill that part of me.

So I killed him.

°˖✧*.☽ .*✧˖°

I was nervous.

I was going to meet you for the first time since last year.

Did you change?

Like I did, did you change too, Lix?

When dad was found, they thought he had killed himself. I was offered therapy. I turned it down. They believed my facade. I smiled and appeared strong, as if nothing had ever happened.

I hit the gym. I got stronger. I got rid of the colours form my closet. The colours you had given me. The feelings remained. But everything else was black.

I was enrolled to the same high school as Chan. His family helped. But he knew nothing, they knew nothing. They only pitied me, saw me as the poor boy who's sister ran away, mother went missing, and dad committed suicide. They knew nothing.

Today, I wore a black hoodie, the hood covering my black hair. Each step filled me with a sense of foreboding.

What if you didn't want to meet me?

My footsteps were slow. It was late in the afternoon, cotton clouds covering the sky. The air felt cold and foreign against my skin.

I stopped dead in my tracks. The park was different from how I remembered, the grass in the area we used to sit now trimmed short. Wooden benches were arranged. The only thing that remained was the row of wildflower bushes bordering the area. There was someone.

It was you.

You were picking flowers. Your hair was almost red. I wondered, did you deliberately choose red, or

had you forgotten the shade I used to like?

You wore a light aquamarine shirt, the sleeves short and front tucked into your black jeans.
My legs moved on their own, closer, closer to you.

'Felix..'

When your name rolled off my tongue, in almost a whisper, with all the bottled up feelings and memories as fresh as the scent of those flowers, you swiftly turned around.

Our eyes met. Your grip involuntarily releasing, you dropped the flowers you had collected. Your silk hair swayed to the soft wind. I didn't smile, neither did you. It was like we were both unsure.

You were the first to take a step forward. It was small, but it made me open my arms. You wasted no time. You were in my arms again, your warmth spreading through, your scent invoking my senses, triggering my memories. We stayed there like that. But something was different. It felt different, almost as if you were not my precious little Lix anymore.

When you moved back, your cherry lips were stretched into a smile, a precious smile, so full of innocence, just like the sparkling in your eyes. You were beautiful, Felix. Way more beautiful than you had always been. But had you changed?

'Where were you, Changbin?'

You had changed.

Your voice. Deep, different. You called me by my name. Your arms still rested on my shoulders, mine on your hips. You were still gazing at me, but my mind asked only one question

Who are you?

°˖✧*.☽ .*✧˖°