Marlowe had training on Tuesdays, and naturally that was the day Caiti felt like the little write-up she'd been working on with her recipe and questions was ready to send out to other potion makers to test.

She wanted to show it to him first. She knew she had been sort of vague in answer to his questions, and she really hadn't tried to be. She just hadn't known exactly how to describe what she was doing. This document didn't really answer his questions either, to be honest, but it was something. She just didn't feel like she could send it out without letting him read it first.

After being so busy for weeks now, it felt strange not to have something to do. She kept picking up her quill, thinking she might go in and make a few more changes, but each time, she set it back down untouched. She had messed it with it so much the past few days, there really wasn't much left to adjust.

Eventually, she just went home.

At four o'clock, when she knew Marlowe was off, she picked up the roll of parchment and disapparated to Marlowe's house. It was unlikely he was even back yet, but she just couldn't wait anymore.

He was not home, but his mum was.

"Caiti," she said brightly, opening the door to let her inside. "Marlowe should be back any minute."

"Okay," Caiti said, surprised at how nervous she sounded. "Sorry for intruding."

"Don't be silly. Come in the kitchen. I'll get you a cup of tea."

Caiti followed her through the living room and into the kitchen, taking a seat at the table where she thumbed the edges of the scroll only semi-conscious of what she was doing.

"You seem a bit anxious," his mum commented, filling the kettle with water from the sink.

Caiti nodded. "I've been making some progress, I think," she said. "But I'm scared it's not going to be what I think it is. I don't want to—"

She didn't finish this thought. There were so many things that could have ended that sentence.

She didn't want to get Marlowe's hopes up for nothing. She didn't want to send this first attempt out to the world only for it to come back unsuccessful. She didn't want people to get the idea that she was rushing what she had expected to be a very slow process. She didn't want people to think she was naive or going about this all too simplistically.

Most of all, she didn't want to do anything that might hurt Marlowe.

That was what scared her most of all.

"Marlowe told me you'd had a bit of a breakthrough."

"It's... I hope it's a breakthrough. I don't really know what it is right now. I don't know if it'll work at all. Something just sort of clicked and I've been following my gut, but I have no actual idea what's going to happen if I test it."

Marlowe arrived home just then. Caiti heard the crack outside the door and then the sound of him stepping in, door clicking shut behind him.

"Oh," he said in surprise when he spotted Caiti in the kitchen. "Hi. You're not at the greenhouse?"

She shook her head.

"A rare sighting," Marlowe teased. He leaned down to kiss her.

"I'm just going to shower real quick," he said. "I'll be back in a minute."

"Okay," Caiti said. Her heart had started beating a little quicker than was comfortable.

As he left the kitchen again, Mrs. Finnegan set a steaming mug in front of her, tea bag steeping inside.

"Did he tell you he wants to test it?" Caiti asked when she was sure Marlowe was out of earshot.

"He did."

Caiti looked out the window, hands around the warm mug. She sucked in her bottom lip. "I don't know if I want him to," she admitted.

Mrs. Finnegan sat beside her, but didn't say anything.

"What if it goes wrong?" she asked.

"Well," said Mrs. Finnegan. "When us muggles test a new medication, there are always doctors around to respond if someone has a bad reaction. I imagine it'd be the same sort of thing for your lot, wouldn't it?"

Caiti nodded. "I know there'd be precautions. I just don't want to hurt him. I mean I don't want to hurt a stranger either, but at least they'd be getting paid and everything. I mean, I'll pay Marlowe, too, obviously, but still. He knows me. It's different."

"Marlowe won't take your money, Caiti," said Mrs. Finnegan gently. "He'll want you to put that back into your work, however you can. He wants you to be successful. And not just because it'd benefit him. For you."

"I just don't want to hurt him," she said again.

"I know," Mrs. Finnegan said. "He knows that, too. But I think he also knows this could be worth the risk. This could help a lot of people."

Caiti nodded. "I really hope it does," she said softly.

—-

Marlowe read the scroll end to end multiple times before he said anything.

"What does this mean?" he asked, pointing to a word about halfway down.

Caiti did her best to explain and then Marlowe followed that up with a handful of other questions.

Finally, he rolled it back up and said, "Caiti, you are very smart."

Caiti blinked at him, not sure what to say.

"I'd like to take some time to think about everything," said Marlowe in what Caiti thought was an unusually formal way. "Before I say anything else."

She thought this might be his way of saying she should go, that he needed some time alone, and she started to take a step back, but then he said. "You wanna get dinner or something?"

"Oh," she said, surprised. "Sure. Okay."

They bundled up and walked to the village mostly in silence. Marlowe seemed to be thinking hard the whole walk, but when they'd taken their seats at the local pub, he acted like his usual self, talking and joking about nothing in particular. It took Caiti a while to stop feeling odd, but she warmed up eventually and by the time they left almost two hours later, her research and everything about it were back of mind.

It was fully dark out now and the temperature had dropped significantly.

"Want to find somewhere we can disapparate?" she asked, shivering.

"Yeah," said Marlowe, but then almost right away, he said, "Actually, can we walk? I know it's really cold."

Caiti looked at him. "Oh," she said. "Yeah. I'll be fine."

"Thanks," he said. He wrapped his arm around her, which did help a bit, given his warmer than average body temperature. Still, Caiti balled her hands up inside her sleeves and shoved them into her pockets, sticking close to his side.

He didn't say anything for the first minute or so, but when a gust of icy wind made Caiti shiver all over, he said, "Sorry. I know it's freezing. I justI just wanted to try to explain how I'm... I don't know. How I'm feeling I guess. About everything. It's easier for me to talk if I'm moving."

"It's okay," said Caiti. "I get it."

Marlowe swallowed, put his chin down and thought, then said, "I guess, I've just been struggling a bit to put this into words since I said I would test it for you."

"You really don't have to," Caiti said. "I would never make you."

"I know," he said. "I know. I want to do it. Honestly. I trust you completely. You know that. And I want to be part of testing this and helping you figure it out and everything. I really do. But I've got to be honest, I'm fucking terrified."

Caiti sniffed in the cold, but said nothing.

"I didn't really know why at first, because it's not like you'd think. It's not like I'm doubting it'll work or whatever."

"It might not," Caiti interjected. "Actually it probably won't. This is like a first draft. It'd be a miracle if it worked perfectly the first try."

"That's beside the point though," said Marlowe, talking very fast now. "That's not what I'm scared of. It's more the fact that I don't know what's going to happen or what it's going to feel like. I mean it's not like the full moon is ever fun, but it's predictable, you know? It's been almost two years. I know what to expect now and it's relatively the same every time, and your potion is always the same, and I just... I know what to expect. But when I test this, I won't anymore, and that makes it kind of feel like the first time all over again, and that's why I'm scared, and I just felt like you needed to know that, because I don't want you to try to talk me out of doing it or anything. It's not... I mean, I'm going to do it. I am. I'm just scared, too, and I think it's better if you just know that."

Caiti opened her mouth to speak, but Marlowe wasn't done.

"And the other thing," he plowed on, "is I'm scared how I'm going to react. If it doesn't work. Because right now, I'm obviously able to be rational about it, and I know you would never do anything purposely that would hurt me, but-"

He stopped talking rather abruptly.

Caiti didn't know what to say.

"I'm afraid of my own temper," Marlowe said finally. His voice was much quieter now. "I don't mean it when I get angry, but I don't like that it happens. I don't want to be that way and I'm trying really hard to learn how to respond to things better, even if they catch me off guard. But I don't really trust myself yet. And I just want you to know ahead of time that no matter what happens, I'm not angry with you. I'm not blaming you. Just in case I can't control it."

"Marlowe," Caiti said quietly. "You're allowed to have feelings, you know. You're allowed to be angry with me."

"Maybe," he said. "But I'm not allowed to treat you badly because of it. Doesn't matter what I'm feeling."

Caiti turned and hugged him tight. Marlowe sighed deeply, put his hand on the back of her head and just held on until a huge gust of wind made her shiver violently.

"Sorry," he said. "It's so cold. Let's just apparate the rest of the way. There's no one around and it's dark."

Caiti nodded, but didn't let go.

"Can you stay tonight?" he asked. She nodded again.

Back at his house, they changed into pajamas, brushed their teeth, and crawled into bed even though it wasn't even nine o'clock. For an hour or so, they lay on their sides in the lamplight, facing each other, and talked about less serious things. Marlowe kept reaching out to tuck her hair behind her ear or brush the backs of his fingers against her shoulder. Everything he did, even the way he looked at her, was so gentle. It was almost hard to imagine why he might be worried about getting angry with her.

"Marlowe," she said suddenly.

His eyes had drifted down to her collarbone, but they flicked back up to meet hers now.

"I don't think you need to be afraid of how you'll react," she said. "When you did get angry with me, you were dealing with a pretty major life change and it was new and unfamiliar and we were both just trying to figure out how to adjust to it. But we're getting better at that. Both of us. And it's not so new anymore. And you've... I think you've grown up a lot."

Marlowe said nothing, his eyes fixed on hers.

"Sometimes you say things or do things for me," Caiti said, her voice low, "and I just think how much different our dynamic used to be. I mean, you were always good to me. You were always a good friend. But in the last year you've really... it's different. I can just feel how much you love me. All the time."

"I do love you," Marlowe said.

"I love you, too," she whispered.

Marlowe reached across her to turn out the lamp, and as he laid back down, he pulled Caiti to him and kissed her.

"Thank you for just listening," he said. Then he wrapped his arms around her and Caiti snuggled into his chest, feeling so safe and so comfortable.