(Trigger warning)

Collapsing in the grass, Alfred sighed and grinned lazily. "Mattie, I'm bored."

Alfred's younger brother, Matthew, rolled his eyes and ate his sandwich. "You're always bored. Stop being bored out here, though. You are the Commander of the Scout Regiment."

Alfred groaned, sitting up. "I know! But I'm only-"

"Twenty-two, so act like it."

Both Alfred and Matthew blinked, then looked up. Alfred grinned and waved while Matthew gulped. "Hiya, Artie! What's happenin'? Any titans spotted?"

Arthur Kirkland, Captain of the Scout Regiment sighed and grabbed Alfred's arm. "No, you lazy arse. It's time to get up and move." He tugged up on Alfred, but the tanned man only groaned and fell back again, accidentally dragging Arthur down with him. Arthur yelped, falling right on top of the commander. "You bloody nitwit, gets your arse- release me right this moment, Jones!"

Alfred snickered, his arms wrapping around the smaller man's waist. "Dun' wanna."

Matthew pretended to gag, but smiled and rolled his eyes. "Stop flirting and start working, you two."

"TITAN!"

~

Alfred grunted, swinging his blades and slicing the nape of a titan. "Shit!" He dodged a stretched out hand and landed on a branch. "Where are all of these things coming from!?"

Arthur landed, fumbling slightly as a large hand swiped at him. "They're headed from the west! There's too many! We've lost a third of our men! We must retreat!"

The commander cursed and leapt off the branch. "RETREAT!  HEAD FOR THE HORSES!"

Everyone dropped what they were doing and steered the 3DMGear in the direction if where they left their horses and carriages. Alfred watched his men speed by, rushing as fast as they could to escape.

Once most of his men passed him, he headed after them with Arthur beside him.

"ALFRED!"

The Commander jerked his gear to a stop and forced a quick, sharp landing on a branch. He looked to see who called his name, then gasped and froze when he spotted them. "Matt!" Alfred leapt off the branch.

"Jones!" Arthur stopped and turned back. "Jones, get back here!"

However, Alfred wasn't listening. "Hold on, Mattie, I'm coming!" The American swung up, then dove down and sliced a Titan's nape, and repeated the process.

Matthew was cornered. Everywhere he turned was a grotesque grin, teeth smothered in blood and saliva. Limbs and 3DMGear were stuck in between their teeth. Matthew hesitated, then shrieked as he was grabbed. "AL! ALFRED! HELP ME!"

Alfred began panicking. "I'M COMING, MATTHEW!" He cut down another Titan.

The younger boy started sobbing, thrashing around in the large hand. "AL!" He could smell the blood in the titans breath. A shadow crossed slowly over Matthew's head. He looked up to see the Titan's dripping teeth. Matthew wept, repeatedly stabbing the hand restraining him. "Alfred... Please help," he whimpered, his vision blurred by tears and steam.

"Mattie, hang tight!" Alfred swept over a Titan's head and swung around another Titan. He shot up, out of a Titan's reach.

Matthew's trembled, and shut his eyes.

Alfred swung down, just so close...

SNAP!

Alfred's gear snapped him back as he froze in shock. "No... No!"

Everything blacked out.

~

"Augh..." Alfred groaned as he woke. "Ow... What happened?" Alfred looked around after he sat up, holding his pounding head in his hands.

"You blacked out. Now lay back down before you hurt yourself."

A hand pressed to Alfred's chest, pushing him back down. Alfred didn't stuggle. He dropped his arms and blinked. "I blacked out..? That doesn't happen often... Was I hit?" Alfred looked up to see Arthur wringing out a wet rag.

"No," Arthur whispered, leaning over to lay the cool rag on Alfred's forehead. "You weren't hit."

Alfred furrowed his brow. "Then what happened? Last thing I remembered was Titans coming out of nowhere." Arthur only sighed. "Hey, where's Mattie? I forgot to ask him something."

"You can't," the older man muttered, staring at the closed door.

The Commander raised a brow. "Why not? I just want to ask him what mom's favorite flower is. He knows that crap."

Arthur raised his hand and wiped at his face with his sleeve. "You can't, Alfred."

"Why not?" Alfred was starting to get irritated. He sat up, grabbing the rag that was on his head. "Why can't I ask my own little brother something, Arthur?"

The tears that flowed over Arthur's cheeks as he looked up at Alfred shocked the younger man. Then he started to shake. His throat tightened, making it feel like he couldn't breathe. "Wh-where's Matt..?" Alfred started breathing in rapid, panicky breaths. "Where's Matthew, Arthur!?"

Arthur sobbed, burying his face in his hands. "H-he's gone... He's gone, Alfred."

Alfred shook his head. "No... No, he can't... He can't be... Mom-mom's birthday is next week! His birthday is next week! He can't, he can't be! Arthur, please say this is a really bad joke!"

The Brit shook his head, sobbing softly into his hand. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, Alfred."

"No..." Alfred ran his fingers through his hair. "No, he... No. No, no, no!" The younger man sobbed, tears slowly streaming over Alfred's cheeks. "Not... Not Matthew..."

Arthur raised his arms then gently pulled Alfred into an embrace. Alfred clutched Arthur's shirt, burying his face in the Brit's shoulder. "You-you blacked out when he died... You went on a rampage. You killed over a dozen Titans on your own in a fit of rage. You completely destroyed them. Steam was everywhere- I thought you died too until I saw you standing on the ground, staring off at nothing." Arthur soothingly pet Alfred's hair, rubbing his back with his other hand. "You wouldn't respond, so I knew you were out of it. You had lost control. So I took you back here to get you bandaged up."

The Commander cried, clinging desperately to Arthur. "It's my fault! He's dead because of me!"

~

"Alfred?"

Said man looked up from his paperwork, blank expression on his face. "Yes?"

Arthur sighed, closing the door behind him. "You haven't slept in days, Alfred," he muttered, cautiously making his way over. Whenever someone approached Alfred since their last expedition, he would lash out if he felt they were a threat. "You need some rest, and you need to quit blaming yourself for what happened to Matthew."

Alfred scoffed. "It's not just Matthew, anymore. Look at this;" Alfred picked up the letter he was reading and held it out for Arthur. "We had seventeen new recruits this year. Fourteen of them died on that expedition. This letter is from Rosa's father. She was one of the fourteen."

Arthur gulped, and read out loud the letter.

"Commander Jones,
   My daughter, Rosalina, was new to the Regiment. She trusted you, looked up to you. She joined the Scouts because of you. She loved you. And now she's dead.
   If it weren't for you, Mr. Jones, my only daughter would still be alive. I pray for the day you are torn apart by-"

"This is insane!" Arthur ripped the letter and threw in the bin. "That man should know that you can't keep everyone alive, and that it isn't your choice who joins us! None of these deaths are your fault!" Arthur grabbed all the letters from angry, grieving parents and threw them away. "They can't blame you! This is ludicrous!"

"That's not all, Arthur." Alfred held up another note that he had in the drawer. "From mom. I read hers first. You wanna know what it says?" Arthur felt tears sting his eyes as he saw Alfred's water up. "It says:

"Alfred,
  I was proud of you for becoming the Commander of the Scouts at such a young age, but now I see they have made a mistake. You let so many of your men die, including your own little brother.
  I never wanted to say this because I knew it'd kill you, but now I don't care. Matthew was always my favorite. He was the kind, obedient little boy every mother wishes for. He looked up to his elder brother. He was always there for you and I, and you let him be eaten by those spiteful, sent from hell creatures.
  I never want to see you again. Do not come visit me for my birthday, or Mother's Day, or any holiday. Your father and I will be fine without you.
  ~Your mother."

"How could someone be so cruel?" Arthur looked down, hands folded over his heart.

Alfred smiled. "Her favorite son died under her other son's eye." Alfred stood, dropping the letter on his desk. "I always knew mom favored Matthew. She always made it so clear, especially when drunk. She just never came out and said it, which made it worse." Alfred stepped around his desk and over to Arthur. "Stop crying for me. I'm not worth it. I lead people to their deaths."

Arthur slammed his hand down on the desk. "No you don't! You lead them to killing those bloody titans which leads to a better world where there are little to no titans! All that would be left are the shifters. Those people just can't seem to see the good you do."

The American hummed. "And what's that? What good do I do?"

"Lots of good!" Arthur whined, throwing his arms in the air. "You keep Titans far from the walls so they don't keep somehow breaking in! You have the Titan shifters under control so they don't wreck havoc inside the walls! You are kind to all your soldiers. You do the best you can." Arthur placed his hands on Alfred's cheeks. "All that matters is that you do your best. Anyone that can't see that doesn't deserve anything except a free ticket to hell." Alfred shook his head and looked down, grabbing Arthur's wrists. "Alfred..."

"I understand that you're only trying to make me feel better, but..." Alfred sighed. He looked out the window where the remaining men and women in his Regiment were conversing and eating. "It'll be a long time before I can get over this."

"I know." Arthur pressed himself against Alfred. "You need your time to grieve." The Captain ran his thumbs over the dark bags under Alfred's eyes. "You just don't have to grieve alone. You don't have to deal with the pressure by yourself."

Alfred's hands slid down from Arthur's wrists to his elbows, then trailed down his torso and stopped at his hips. Arthur stood on his toes, glancing at Alfred's parted lips. "Let me help you get through this." Alfred slowly nodded, his eyelids dropping closed as their breaths mingled. "I'll help you relieve all that stress and anger, but only if you let me."

Carefully, almost hesitantly, Alfred's lips met with Arthur's thin lips.

~

Alfred groaned as he woke, frantic knocking on his door.

"Commander Jones! Commander Jones, you have a visitor! They say it's urgent!"

"Ugh, fuck." Alfred sat up, mind groggy. He rubbed his face. "I'll be down in a minute."

"Uh, sir... I-It's your mother..."

The American then glared at the door. "What?"

The body laying on the bed beside Alfred shifted and yawned. "What's going on?" They sat up, rubbing their eyes.

Alfred stood up, gathering clothes and tugging them on his bare body. "Apparently my mother is dropping by for a visit after she told me to never visit her." The man still on the bed gave Alfred a concerned look. "Stay here. I'll be right back, babe." He placed his hand on Arthur's leg, which was still covered by the sheets, and gently kissed him. "Love you, Arthur."

Arthur smiled. "I love you, too, darling."

~

An hour later, Arthur heard Alfred stomp into his office and slam the door, but he didn't come into the bedroom. Arthur waited several minutes before sliding out of the bed. He grabbed one of Alfred's button-up shirts and shrugged it on. He buttoned it most of the way, then opened the door into the office. "Alfred?" The Commander looked up, blue eyes dark behind his glasses.

Arthur sighed, making his way over. Slowly, the Brit slid into Alfred's lap and wrapped his arms around Alfred's neck. "What's the matter? What happened?"

Alfred hummed, his hand resting on Arthur's thigh and his other hand caressing the small of Arthur's back. "I... She wanted to know if I received her letter. When I told her that I read it a week ago when it came with all the other letters, she then went to explain everything she said in the letter. She explained that I was a disappointment and a killer and I should never have been born. She told me that she hopes a Titan will tear me in half on our next expedition. Then she left."

"Well," Arthur mumbled, kissing Alfred's cheek, "don't listen to her. She clearly doesn't deserve such a wonderful son if she treats you so terribly. I love you, Alfred. Matthew loved you. I bet he's more angry at your mother than he is with you. He may not even be angry at all with you. He knows you tried saving him, he does. He knows you did your best. He knows what a wonderful man you are and... You were his big brother, Al. You meant so much to him. Don't listen to your mother."

Alfred smiled softly and kissed Arthur. "Thank you, Arthur. I love you, too."