ig im back here again... venting here because people will listen but it's always the people who i turn to who are hurting me, so i cant vent to them about how much they're hurting me

whatever that didnt make sense lets just get into it

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went to a doctors appointment, which for now only serves the purpose of the doctor saying "yeah, you're fine" and lots of deadnaming and misgendering

also she asked me if i had a boyfriend and i had to try not to laugh

sweetie how can i say this n i c e l y

how can i look more gay

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we're starting cyber school again tomorrow, because my mom doesn't think she's doing enough

so yay, I went from doing only stuff that would help me in the future to learning absolute crap from public school

cyber school is basically public school but online

they do have a prom, and i've always wanted to wear a suit (everyone should start wearing suits istg suits make everyone hotter just like eyeliner)

(EYELINER AND A SUIT OMG)

okay getting sidetracked here anyways

id have to have someone to go with me, and i dont. ive never had a crush, never been in love. the only way i even know im gay for girls is bc kristen bell is fckin hot

what

i said nothing

anyways

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i still want a binder but last time i bought one it was too small and my mom barely let me buy it as it is

i mentioned that i wanted another and she just said 'i have an old sports bra that's way too small for me, it'll probably compress your chest so just use that'

well it kinda does

but its still pretty clear that i got some chesticles

i dont even hate these boobies either i just hate the way people automatically assume you're a girl if you have them

wish i could show off my nonexistent curves and boobies and wear form fitting comfy clothes without people calling me a she

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also i used to lean on the feminine side of non-binary but now i think i'm more masc

mostly bc, every time someone mistakes me for a guy or calls me 'he' it makes me feel amazing

plus i love masc clothes and my haircut

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one of the most annoying things about running a chatroom is that you have to do a bunch of stuff beforehand because apparently children cannot govern themselves wow who'da thought

- i wrote up the guidelines and apparently we have to have a no misgendering rule idk why the fU-

but apparently they only respect pronouns when told to

well, i mean most ppl in there are great

it's just a few problem children and most of them stopped coming

- also i always have to have something prepared to draw. because if not i will get ideas. and i hate being told what to draw. not only do they have no semblance of what I actually CAN draw, they also don't realize that i only ever want to draw my own OCs.

- aLSO during the chatroom i will be asked at least three (3) times or more what i am drawing, and someone will guess the tribes of whatever i am drawing or act confused if it's not actually a dragon or something WoF-related.

running a chatroom is just really annoying because no one really gets what annoys me and what doesn't.

"but ultimate, just tell them what you don't like," you say, rolling your eyes

first of all: different people come to the chatroom every week and i wouldn't want to say the same thing every time. while we do have some that come every time, there's always at least one that is new and at least two or three that come like every other one

second of all: these are sensitive children like myself. and if i mention that something bothers me they will IMMEDIATELY assume it is their fault, profusely apologize despite it not being them, and just stop interacting with people altogether for fear of making me mad

that last one is a huge problem with my discord server too

but again, can't bring it up or people will be sad regardless of whether they've done the thing or not

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i dont like being popular.

i am constantly... held up on a pedestal. like everything i do is always great even though that's not true.

sometimes it's nice- if someone leaves a hate comment anywhere or talks bad about me there will be like, five people who are defending me before i even get there

but most of the time it's just weird

no, it isn't an accomplishment that you bought my bases, or that you got art from me

if it holds special value to you, great! but i personally don't believe my art is anything special.

i'm not anything special.

i'm just a lost, confused 16-year-old who literally doesn't know what to do with their life or what he'll even do when he's older. maybe they have a little bit of talent, sure, but other than that, the only reason that their art has value is because people say it does.

i feel stupid and selfish venting about this too, because i should be grateful. being ultimate means everyone wants your adopts and your bases and your art just because of your status

but being ultimate also means people call you whatever they want and you can't say anything because ultimate being mad at you is... somehow worse than other people for some reason

being ultimate means you can't vent, because you have to support the kids that like you and admire you

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well i hate being admired

i dont want to be famous or liked

i just want to live

i want to exist without having to worry about people deadnaming me, misgendering me, etc...

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also it really really annoys me when people call me "ulti" unless they're my close friends

but again... can't say anything or people will feel bad

it's not like ultimate has feelings too

i have to think about everyone else and how what I say might impact others but they don't have to do it for me

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well now that i'm safely annoyed imma head out

bye-

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also i said in my discord server that the whole thing with me only using periods when i'm mad wasn't true

but it is

i still do that

i just dont want people to worry

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-ultimate