Saw you staring into nothing

In the silence something's screaming

I know you're trying but there's nothing you can say

I feel better in the morning

When all my troubles lose their meaning

Let go, there's nothing you can change

-"Heavy Heart," Gabrielle Aplin

---

April 2007

Everything had been fine that morning. He and Elise came in to work together as usual. They had plans for lunch which Elise cancelled with some excuse about a last minute meeting, but when he headed out with Dawson instead, he saw her sitting in her office with both feet up on her chair and her head tipped back, eyes closed. She hadn't even bothered to close her door and pretend she was actually busy. That was when he knew something was wrong.

James tried to get her alone all afternoon, but then she actually was busy in meetings, some of which he was in on. She sat by him and offered plenty to the conversation, but every time someone else was talking she would look down at her hands and her face got this worried expression on it that James really didn't think had to do with the office conversation. Usually the worse the outlook seemed, the more excited Elise got. She loved a challenge.

They got out of work late that day. She wasn't ready to leave until almost 6:30 and he was nearly kept later but he couldn't stop worrying about Elise so he pulled some strings to get out of it and knocked outside her door.

"Ready to go?" he asked. She looked straight at him and nodded, even managed to smile a little. But he didn't believe it. The smile never reached her eyes.

James slipped his hand into hers as they headed out. She was quiet as they left the ministry, quiet when they got home. She went straight to the kitchen to make dinner and James was all too aware that she wasn't singing lightly under her breath like usual, hadn't even turned on the radio. He let her be for a while, but about the time he caught her leaning against the counter and staring out the window with dinner ready on the table, never having called to tell him, he knew it was time to intervene.

He walked in quietly, took both her hands and just said "Elise."

She kept her gaze out the window. It was April and it was raining. It had been raining every day for three weeks. But then, this was Ireland. It was always raining.

"Elise," he said again, softer the second time. "What are you-"

"I think I'm pregnant."

James was quiet for a long time. His stomach had knotted up. He couldn't take his eyes off the placid expression on her face, completely immobile. "You think?" he asked finally.

She turned her head to look the opposite direction, still away from him. The kitchen was getting dark. She hadn't turned any lights on and the sun had just finished setting. "I know," she said.

"Oh," said James, because he didn't know how to feel. She didn't seem happy, that much was certain. She didn't seem to want to celebrate.

"Let's just have dinner," she said.

James circled one hand over her low back and then they went to the table and ate dinner in silence.

She didn't say another word about it until she was lying in bed. She lay on her back with her knees up, making a tent under the covers. Both arms were folded above her head. James pulled the curtains down and turned off the light and it was during his short trek from the lightswitch to the bed that she spoke.

"Are you mad?" she asked.

He sat down on the edge of the bed. "What?"

"Are you mad?" she asked again.

"No," James said, sliding his legs under the sheets. "No, of course not. Hey-" He scooted to the middle of the bed, slid his arm under her shoulders and pulled her into him. "Why would I be mad, Elise?"

"You didn't seem happy," she said quietly.

James paused for a beat. "Neither did you," he said.

She took a deep breath and reached across his chest, feeling for his hand. He met her halfway, twisting their fingers together.

"I'm so scared," she whispered. He had never, not even once, heard Elise admit anything had scared her.

"That's okay," said James.

---

I know it hurts to watch me bleeding

Can't tell you what I'm needing

We can't stop the river rising

I got a heavy heart

Too much for you to hold

We always come apart

And then I treat you so cold

-"Heavy Heart," Gabrielle Aplin

---

July 26, 2007

Three months later the inevitable finally happened. Back in January of that year, the Minister of Magic had made an idiotic decision to release nearly half of the former death eaters in Azkaban. Seemed to be under the impression that enough time had passed that no one needed to worry about them anymore. Voldemort was gone anyway and what were any of them without their leader? He had grand ideas about the "new wizarding world" and a "post-Voldemort society" which would treat all its members with respect and dignity. It all sounded great on paper, but James wasn't so sure forgiveness had to come with freedom.

At any rate, it became clear very quickly that what the minister failed to account for was the bitterness they all left prison with. Everyone knew more death eaters walked free after the battle than were imprisoned. There were just too many to catch, not enough proof of who'd been involved of their own will and who had been imperiused, blackmailed, or threatened. Those that were caught knew it as well as anyone else: they were the unlucky ones.

The former prisoners may as well have disappeared in the first month following their release and that was what made the aurors take serious concern. Throughout the winter, enough minor incidents popped up, always leading back to one or more of the convicts that James became quite certain a real uprising was brewing. No one could get any solid idea of what was coming, but if anything was certain it was that they were all planning something. James had been on edge for weeks when he finally got the message.

He and Elise sat on the porch swing when it came. The sky was crystal clear, a rarity in Ireland. They'd just taken a long walk along the beach and Elise had found three handfuls worth of beach glass. James had spotted one tiny piece.

She had her hands on her stomach. She had begun to show a little and James found he couldn't stop looking at her. He had to consciously remind himself not to look at work, even though her robes made it almost impossible to tell. They had not told anyone yet. Elise wanted to wait and he couldn't think of any reason why it should be up to him. He had not even told Raigan yet, although he'd tried to convince Elise to talk to her. Her daughter Piper had just turned a year old and he knew Raigan would have had good advice to help settle Elise's worries.

Her nausea had been better the last week which had put her in overall better spirits. She had started to talk about the baby more.

He had just begun to ask how she was feeling that night when the stag arrived. Potter's patronus. There was no question even before he heard the voice.

James jumped up before it had even finished delivering it's message, darting into the house to grab his wand off the kitchen counter. The patronus dissolved again just as he came back.

"Knockturn Alley," Elise told him, starting to stand too, but James put both hands on her shoulders and shook his head. "Stay, okay? Just in case."

He kissed her lightly, holding her by the waist, and then he disapparated.

James didn't remember much of the actual dueling, only that there were more of them than the aurors had anticipated. The recently released convicts seemed to have teamed up with some others, maybe other non-imprisoned death eaters who'd stayed quiet until there were enough other, more controversial names to take the bulk of the blame. They outnumbered the aurors. He remembered that much, because he had sent his own patronus, a crow, home to Elise, asking her to send more people if she could. He should have known she would show up too. It had been a miracle she had stayed home in the first place.

He remembered saying something to her when she first arrived, telling her to go back home, that they'd be fine. They weren't that overstretched. But he lost track of her after that, and at the time, he thought she must have gone back.

Of course he'd been wrong.

In the end, none of it really seemed to matter. It appeared the death eaters had only been looking for a little throwback fun. One death and everyone seemed to realize it had all gone too far. Most of the offenders were rounded up and sent back to Azkaban or charged with other punishments. Only a few escaped without trial. But James lost all interest in capturing the rest, because the one dead was Dawson.

All he could think was Raigan, Raigan, Raigan. How was he going to tell Raigan?

"His wife," people kept saying. "Who'll tell his wife?" and James had volunteered because she was his best friend and he didn't want her to have to hear it from someone else.

He went home first. He wanted Elise to know he was safe and would probably not be back that night. She was on the couch, flat on her back when he entered the living room. The room was very dark.

"Dawson's dead," he said.

"I lost the baby," she said.

James faltered. "What?" he said. Her stomach had not flattened out and he stupidly allowed himself to believe this meant all was well.

"I said I lost the baby," said Elise. Her voice was bitter and way too steady.

"I have to- I need to tell Raigan," James said. His mind had formed a blank. He couldn't process it. "About Dawson."

That was when Elise began to cry. She curled up in a tight little ball, covering her stomach with her arms, and dug her nails into her sides. Around the bump, which had not gone.

He stayed by the door, unsure of what to say. He had never seen Elise cry. Not even the day she had found out she was pregnant.

"I'm sure- I'm sure it's nothing," he said. "I'm sure it'll be fine. We'll- we'll go tomorrow to the hospital and see, okay? I need to go. I need to tell Raigan. I probably won't be back till tomorrow."

He started to turn to go back outside, but Elise let out a sob that raised goosebumps all over his arms. "I've already been," she said shakily.

"And- and what did they say?" asked James, his heart sinking already. He felt like liquid. Insubstantial. It was too much for one day.

"They said I lost the baby!" shouted Elise. James didn't think he'd ever heard Elise raise her voice before either. She was so calm, so cool. It scared him more than anything to see her breaking in front of him like this.

James didn't know what to do. He was terrified that Raigan would find out before he could get there if he stayed with Elise, but he didn't know how to leave her and have it be okay. He crossed the room and lifted Elise to sitting, pulling her into a tight hug. She clung to him at first, so tightly it scared him. "I got hit with a curse," she sobbed. "I got hit and I left and I went to St. Mungo's and they said. They said."

James pulled back enough to put a hand on her face. He started to say something, but she had suddenly pulled away from him completely. She looked almost repulsed, and he hadn't known what caused it. "Elise," he said. "It just happened-"

"Just go," she said, and her voice was steady, this time. Too steady to argue with. "Just go tell her."

And so James left.

---

Raigan was very calm when James told her what happened. She just nodded and said, "Okay," in a very small voice. The light went out of her eyes and they turned a flat, dark brown. Then she went to the nursery and took Piper out of her crib even though she was already asleep. She carried her out to the living room and she sat down on the couch and said to James, "Please stay with me."

He sat himself down next to her and folded his arm around the both of them, Raigan and her tiny daughter, her dark hair already thick and long enough to fall into her eyes. The more he looked at Piper, the more what Elise had told him began to sink in. Piper made him realize what he'd lost.

Things were very quiet, even when all the family began to arrive. He and Raigan did not move for hours. She sat and stroked her daughter's downy, dark hair, and even though Piper was normally a fussy baby, she lay very still and did not make a sound all night. James held Raigan close and he thought about Dawson a lot. But a lot more, he thought about Elise, at home by herself with a dead baby inside her, and tried to justify his being here instead of there.