~ Chapter 51: I wish there was a happy ending for me too. ~

(A/N: So... This is the last chapter before the epilogue and I have nothing more to say than read the A/N at the end of the epilogue.

Songs : All I Want - Kodaline (you can find it on the side because if I could pick just one song for the whole sad parts and especially this chapter, then it would be this one and it was on repeat with High Hopes when I was writing this last chapter)

Salvation - Gabrielle Aplin

High Hopes - Kodaline

Angel - cover by Sarah Simmons and the other cover by Jacquie Lee

Safe and Sound - cover by Savannah Berry)

*

Everyone dies eventually. It's the natural part of life. You try to be the best person you can while you're alive but you end up dead like everyone else. Yeah... Everyone dies eventually.

But it doesn't make it less hard. You don't want to believe that it's actually happening, that you've reached the deadline. That everything is over. You'll never be able to kiss you're girlfriend/boyfriend again, to eat chocolate, to go swim in the sea, to dance at a concert, or to listen to music in the shower while singing... You're dead.

Some people believe in reincarnation, others that only your body is dead, not your soul. I don't know what to believe, I just know that everyone dies and that having someone you love do is the most painful thing to go through.

The clock ticked eight pm and I held my breath. I felt like my body was in the room but my brain wasn't. Damon was being kept alive by a sort of machine. I felt like I was in a scene in Grey's Anatomy, when the family is waiting by the patient's side while the cool doctors are telling them what's happening. But I couldn't focus on their words. I couldn't hear anything. The only thing I was able to think about was "it's over". On repeat in my head. Damon's family were crying by his side and it felt like I was in another world, just stuck with the thought "it's over".

I tried not to think about the horrible parts of Damon's death, like his heart beating for the very last time, his lungs filling with their very last breath, his bones turning to dust. I wanted my brain to stop thinking. It was on overload. But I couldn't do anything. I couldn't control anything. Not the tears rolling down my cheeks or my falling on the ground helplessly, trying to catch my breath but not managing to do it, too struck by reality.

Everything was over. The world could have ended right now and I couldn't possibly care less. I just wanted to fall asleep forever, to try to forget, to try to think about something else. But Damon was right in front of me, lifeless, just lying there. Then the doctors made his bed roll out in the cries of his parents. They had to move fast to get the organs, or this would have all been for nothing.

Jenny took me in her arms but I couldn't feel anything anymore, I was like a living zombie, crying without even realizing it. My feet were moving without me even realizing it either.

I went to look at the window and was struck by the view of everyone just living their normal every-day life. For them, it was just a normal day, one like another without any particular change. Maybe they would allow themselves a pizza tonight, and maybe their partners would finally tell them they loved them. But that was probably how far it would go. There wouldn't be any great homage with a big picture of Damon smiling happily airing on the Emmy awards or whatever other big TV event. There wouldn't be any article about his death, his legacy, what he did during the little time he had in his life.

I wish I could tell them. I wish I could share my pain, divide it into tiny pieces and give each and everyone of those people a tiny piece of it so that it would hurt less. When a big president or superstar dies, everyone shares the pain together. They organize big remembering sessions or marathon or whatever to remember the person by and everyone knows she or he died.

No one knew Damon died, aside from his family, friends and me. Everyone was crying around me, Ms. Hollins was sitting down on the ground, her husband crying in her arms too. Jenny and Seth were trying to hug me, reassure me by their presence but they were crying too and I could not feel anything except for the cold hard pain.

I wish there was a happy ending for me too. That they had found a cure for Damon at the last minute, even something that hadn't been tested yet. That we could have lived happily ever after despite what we thought, that his disease had stopped its damage in time... I wish.

"Come on, Leah, let's go home."

I looked up to see Jenny offering her hand to me. When had I fallen on the ground? I didn't even remember. I looked up at the clock. How was it midnight already? My eyes fell on the place where Damon's bed had been but wasn't anymore and I wanted to scream but I wasn't able to.

"I... I can't..." I stuttered.

I felt warm tears coming out from my tears. The pain was unbearable. It was mental, the voice in my head repeating "Damon is dead" to try to make sense of it, but it was also physical. It was like someone had ripped my heart right out of my chest and was now staging me with daggers repeatedly. Jenny kneeled down in front of me and she looked so, so sorry for me, it broke my heart even more if that was even possible.

"She's in shock." I heard her tell somebody. "I don't know if I can take her home..."

I could have looked up to see who she was talking to but my eyes would not move from the spot they were staring at intensely, while letting tears falling from them. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and someone was talking to me but I couldn't focus on his or her words.

"You guys go home, I'll take care of her."

Anita. I think it was her speaking. Then there was a little silence and someone was talking outside but I didn't hear much, or wouldn't listen.

"The operation went well, they got all the organs they had planned to take and they will go to a lot of different people." Anita announced to someone, I don't think it was me.

"This is great." Was it Seth? Or Mathew?

They talked more, hugged then some people left. Anita, I knew it was her!, kneeled down in front of me and talked in a sweet voice like I was a little fragile child, trying to get me to move. I couldn't process what she was saying but I felt myself rising up and following her in another room where she helped me get to bed.

"It's going to be okay sweetie." She said.

She was trying to reassure me, I knew she was doing her best, but the only person who could have succeeded at doing that would have been Damon. And now he was gone forever.

I didn't sleep at all. I kept staring at the ceiling, my thoughts drowning my brain, my head lost somewhere. I think I got up to go to the toilets at some point but I wasn't even aware of my movements. Anita kept coming to check up on me and I think she found me crying and hitting things hysterically at four am but I can't remember.

I don't know how many days I spent in the hospital room, with my mind stuck. I don't know how many tears I cried, or if I stopped. I don't even know if I slept. I think Anita gave me something to help me get some rest but I still couldn't comprehend anything that was happening around me.

Jenny took me home at some point. I did nothing more. She forced me to eat, just like Anita had and tried to talk to me but she was facing a wall. I couldn't even form one coherent sentence. I could see she was worried but there was nothing I could do. My mind just wouldn't work.

Then there was Damon's funeral. Jenny had bought me a black dress and she drove us there. I kept staring at the road, still not saying anything. She tried to talk, to make me laugh a little or just smile but nothing worked. It started raining.

Someone kept talking, I think it was a priest but I knew Damon wasn't much of a religious person, and neither was I, so I wondered why he was speaking of him being in heaven or whatever else he was explaining. Jenny was holding an umbrella for the both of us and I was staring at the grave, speaking mentally to Damon. I couldn't feel his presence, I couldn't imagine his body lying in this grave, especially now that it had been opened by the surgeons to take the good organs. I preferred to imagine him smiling, back when he was still alive. His parents were crying in each other's arms. I was crying too, without even being aware of it. Jenny held on tight to my hand. I think she was crying too, and maybe Seth was also.

They played a couple songs, sad ones, including Seasons Of Love and I cried some more. Mathew and Jeremy hugged me, tried to talk to me but Jenny explained to them something about me being in shock or something and they looked so, so sorry for me again. I didn't like that look. Damon's parents gave a speech, so did Mathew and Jeremy and then they asked if I wanted to say something but I shook my head, my voice stuck in my throat again, my tears blurring my vision. Seth got up and talked for me. I had said my goodbye to Damon and I had nothing else to say, especially now that he probably couldn't listen anymore.

A month passed and I still hadn't said a word. No need to say Jenny, Seth and my parents were worried about me. My mom and dad had come on the second week. Someone, either Seth or Jenny, had called them because they didn't know what to do with me. They made a therapist come see me but I wouldn't say a word, couldn't say a word, and he gave them his diagnosis without even talking to me about it.

Then I woke up a Sunday morning. The realization that he was gone hit me, just like every morning. It was the worst, to wake up to have to relive it every morning. At night, some lucky times, my dreams would let me escape even if I wasn't aware of it, but as soon as I woke up, everything was coming flooding back to me and crushed me anew once more. Imagine waking up to someone punching you in the heart and stomach every morning. Well, it was like that.

I stared at the picture of Damon and me on my bedside table and took a deep breath.

"I miss you so much."

My voice was raspy and weird because of the time I had spent not saying a word at all. Those were the first coming from my mouth in a month. I swallowed hardly and got out of bed. I went down and saw Jenny eating eggs out of a plate while watching TV.

"Hey." I said.

She jumped out of surprise and looked at me like I was an alien.

"Leah?" She asked, as if she was not sure I had been the one talking.

"Hey." I repeated stupidly.

She put her plate down so quickly I thought it was going to break and she ran to hug me.

"Oh my God, I'm so happy to hear your voice again. Are you... Are you feeling any better?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want something to eat? Or drink? I could make you eggs or cookies or just tell me what you want."

"It's ok Jenny, I can do it myself."

She looked surprised, but rightfully so. She had been the one doing everything for me for the past month, with the help of my parents and Seth, but still, I understood why she was reacting this way. I poured myself a glass of water and sat next to her. She sat quietly, as if she didn't know how to behave, like if she did any sudden movement, I would run away like a deer you hunt.

"I'm sorry I was... like that. I don't know what happened." I said, my eyes filling with tears.

Oh God, when would I finally stop crying?!

"No, don't apologize, it's ok, we understood... Anita said it would pass by itself and you would wake up one day and start talking again if we made you feel safe..."

"Anita... She came by, didn't she?"

"Yes, many times to check on you."

"I can't even remember clearly what happened since... he died."

The words hurt me, especially coming out from my own mouth.

"You were in shock so you shut down everything around you. You wouldn't talk, eat or do anything really... Do you remember a therapist came by to see you?"

"Yeah. I don't remember what he did though."

"Nothing much. Anita already knew what you had, her cousin went through the same thing when her wife died while giving birth."

"That's awful..."

"I know. Anyway, we tried to make you feel as safe and surrounded as possible, because Anita and the doctors said it would help you."

"Thank you Jenny. I can't imagine what I put you through..."

"It's ok Leah. So, are you... back?"

"I don't know." I paused. "Do you think it'll ever stop?"

She frowned a little. "What?"

"The pain." I whispered, feeling my stomach clenching.

My eyes were already burning with tears and Jenny quickly pulled me into a hug. "I don't know Leah. I think it will get easier with time. And I promise I'll be there for you."

I sniffed, trying to hold back my tears.

"Thank you." I said again

"It's ok. So... are you back for good? I'm asking because I had something to give you but I don't want to give it to you if it will crush you again." Jenny explained.

"What is it?"

"Damon left you a letter."

My heart stopped. A letter. There was still something of is. I could still read some of his words.

"Where is it?"

"Are you sure you're ready to read it?" She seemed genuinely afraid that I would snap again.

"Yes. Please, Jenny, can I have the letter?"

She went upstairs and I followed her. She took it from her desk.

"I haven't read it, of course. Damon had left it to Anita and had made her promise she would give it to you but then you were... in shock so I kept it while you were recovering."

"Thank you."

I hugged her then rushed in my room to read it, closing the door behind me. I sat on my bed, took the picture of Damon and me in my hand, my heart beating again at the thought that I had something of his. I was scared to read it but I unfolded it nonetheless and began reading it.

My dear, wonderful, amazing Leah (is it how you start a letter?),

I am sitting now on my hospital bed and I am watching you sleep on this awfully uncomfortable chair next to me when I write those words. You look so beautiful and so peaceful, I wish those tears weren't drying on your cheeks though. Your hair is placed on your head in a messy bun, you have no makeup on and aren't wearing the sexiest dress ever but rather jeans and an old shirt and yet you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen.

I hope you know how pretty you are, you didn't seem to know when we were teenagers how I used to look at you, thinking 'you are so beautiful, how don't you know by now that I am in love with you?' You were so oblivious back then, but maybe it was meant to happen this way. I guess I kind of was unobservant myself since you had a crush on me too but never said anything about it. Two idiots, that's what we are.

Anyway, back to the point of this letter. I feel like I've come to the end of my path and death will probably take me anytime now. My hand is shaking so I'm sorry for the bad writing, I hope you won't mind.

Tears rolled down my cheeks unstoppably and I wiped them to continue reading.

I feel so grateful and, dare I say on my dying bed, lucky to God, the genies, fate, destiny or whatever else made me move into the house next to yours, in this small suburban town. It brought us back together and no one could argue with me when I say that it was meant to be. We were meant to be.

I hope you'll have the best possible life you can have, even if it won't be with me. I hope the rest of your life will be filled with joy, hope, love, good surprises, excitement, adventure, friends, family and maybe even children if you want some. You deserve the best there is on this planet and I hope you'll get everything you deserve. I hope your dreams and goals will be fulfilled and that you'll meet great people who will surround you with love and warmth.

You're my best friend, the love of my life and I can't think of any way to put into words how much I love you, care about you and just am so, so grateful that I got to spend my last year on Earth with you, even if I wish we could have had more time.

I am not a writer like you so this letter will be a bunch of thoughts put together on paper without any real transition between them, and I hope you won't mind.

On an unrelated note, or maybe it is kind of related, (do not scream before you read the end of this paragraph and please, do not hate me) I sent your book to a publishing agency. I didn't say anything about a dying wish, or a favor or anything like that because I knew you wanted to succeed on your own, I just delivered the manuscript and took the phone call. An editor, Laura Drance, loved your story and is willing to work with you. So I guess it's my early birthday present, even if it's nothing like getting you a private concert. (I still cannot comprehend how you managed that.)

So anyway, congratulations, you'll soon normally be a published writer! One of your goals will be fulfilled. And I cannot even begin to tell you how happy that makes me.

You deserve it Leah. Really. I know how hard you worked on this book and it is so good I cried myself to sleep thinking about it. I have to apologize though, about reading it without your official permission but you kept on making me wait and, love, we both knew I had no time left so I took matter into my own hands. (I don't know why I just called you "love" but it seemed fitting at the moment. I know you don't do pet names ever since the 'Princess' one but you'll forgive me for this one.)

I laughed, between my tears.

They say the first year of grieving is the worst and that's why I left you something to maybe make it a little better. Look under your bed.

I frowned, sniffed and wiped more tears out of my eyes before bending down to see what was under my bed. I saw something wrapped in paper and took it out but didn't open it, instead, I continued reading.

Did you find the big present wrapped in Mickey Mouse paper? (not the most fitting, I know, but it was all we had). You can tear it, it doesn't matter.

So I did.

I guess you're now holding the Mason Jar filled with little colored papers in your hands and wondering why the heck I would leave you this. Well here's how it works: in the jar, there are 365 little notes. The yellow ones are of memories of you and I, the green ones are quotes and lyrics and the pink ones are love notes. Open one every day and maybe (hopefully) it'll help you start your day with a smile. I know it'll be hard. But look at these notes and remember that I'm not completely gone. I'm still alive in the memories you have of us, in the laughs we shared, in the music we listened to and sang on, on the tapes you got of me dancing while I wasn't paying attention, in the crazy pictures we took all around the world. I'm here. I'm everywhere, and I love you. I love you so much Leah.

You have to know this too, Leah, you're the strongest person I have ever met. You've been through so much crap in your 20 years of life, more than a lot of people will ever experience (luckily! the world would be a very sad place otherwise) and yet here you were, every day that we were together, standing on your own two feet, going through hell and back but still managing to wake up every morning with a smile on your face, making me laugh and be happy even if I probably could have ended up depressed considering well... my situation. But you were there for me and I love you so much for that. It's not fair that you had to go through all these terrible things: first the crash and then me dying but you still carried on and you have no idea how much I admire you for that. You are strong Leah, never forget that.

God I love you Leah. I love you. I love you. I love you. I wish there was a way I could still say it to you right now and every day til we were both old people with lots of wrinkles but still as handsome and awesome as we are right now, but life is not fair and all I get is this piece of paper that I know, I just know, I can already see it, you will read a thousand times, with the same mantra going on and on in that pretty little head of yours. "It's not fair. It's not fair." It's really not.

I can't believe I'm about to quote Nicki Minaj in the last letter I will ever write and in the last words you'll probably read from me (oh no, wait, I forgot about the amazing jar present I left for you) but here goes: "life Is a movie but there will never be a sequel". Much better than the whole "Boy toy named Troy used to live in Detroit" thing right? Haha.

Anyway, it's true though, and Leah, you have to live out your movie because the credits haven't rolled out yet for you. My movie was perfect because you got the starring role in it, my movie was the most amazing I could have asked for and it's not my fault or His that God or whoever planned my journey, if it was ever planned, didn't have enough money to make my movie last longer. It just had to end where it did for some unfair reason but yours doesn't have to.

Yours has just started and you still have so many adventures to live, so many people to meet, and maybe even fall in love one more time. I won't mind, I promise. I wish I could have you all to myself forever but all I ever wish for and all I will ever want is not one more day, it's just for the people I love to be happy and you're on the top of this list, you're the person I love most on this planet (with my parents, of course) and I want you to be happy. I hope you'll learn to love someone again that will understand you and deserve you. And make you happy.

Someone wise once said: Hearts are wild creatures, that's why our ribs are cages. I have nothing to say about that, I just thought it was well said so I put it there. See when I told you I'm not a writer, I wasn't lying.

How was it that even without being there, even with all the pain I was carrying from the grieving, Damon could still make me laugh and feel loved?

I love you Leah, and I hope I can watch over you when I go. Maybe I'll be reading over your shoulder and mock my terrible writing, maybe I'll look at you for hours and hours or talk to you without expecting an answer.

Anita is supposed to come do the last checkup on me now. I will leave this letter to her and, please, can you thank her again for me? And Doc Suarez too? I already did, of course, but they deserve more thank yous so maybe say another one for me please? They are really awesome people too. Oh, please tell Mathew and Jeremy I love them (bros never tell other bros they love them but I don't care, I just did). I said my goodbye to them too but maybe remind them that when you feel ready too? And Jenny and Seth are amazing persons, I love them both a lot and I'm so happy you have them in your life.

Anyway, I guess this is the end of this letter. It would have been pretty good to end it on a philosophical note, but I don't know any so instead I'll write what I know best: I love you Leah and I hope you'll be happy in the rest of your life.

I'll see you on the other side in many, many years I hope, or in your room if I have the chance to be a ghost. It sounds creepy but it's not really. With all the love that can be possible to feel.

Damon.