April 2019

Raigan had not invited Michael home with her yet. They had gone out, they had spent plenty of time at his home, she had even brought him to Hogwarts once and he had stayed with her the whole night in her school-year bedroom. But she had never offered to let him see her actual home until that afternoon and now they were about to walk inside, she was really wishing she hadn't.

It felt wrong to have him here. It was like merging two parts of her life that weren't supposed to cross. Dawson had bought this house. He had owned it before they'd even met. He had left it to her in his will. He had lived here with her and they had fallen in love and gotten engaged and brought home a baby and raised her in this house. And even though she had done most of the raising herself, after, even though she had lived here far longer without him than she had with him, it still felt like their house. It still didn't feel right to bring another man into that house.

Her wedding picture confronted them in the doorway, the one she'd always loved most where Dawson had made her laugh right before they'd kissed. Raigan froze, looking at it. Michael shut the door behind them and stood beside her, close but not touching. He looked at it too. She wondered if he felt awkward already.

This had been a mistake.

"You looked beautiful," he said. "At your wedding."

Raigan tried to say thank you, but her throat had gone tight and nothing came out except a little exhale.

Michael turned his head from the picture and watched her instead. After a minute, he said, "Would it be alright if I hugged you?"

Raigan nodded and Michael wrapped her up in the best hug. He always gave good hugs. They were warm and strong and he didn't let go too soon or move too much.

"I guess I should give you a tour," she said after a while.

"Only if you want," Michael said. He waited to let go until she did.

Raigan just nodded, and then turned through the arched doorway into the living room. They went through the house quickly, Raigan not in a state to elaborate on much, and she skipped her bedroom. Michael didn't comment on this, which she appreciated.

Then when there was nothing left to see, they returned to the living room and sat on the couch and Michael put his arm around and took a breath, holding it for a while before he spoke.

"If it's too weird, you can definitely say no," he started. "But would you tell me about him?"

Raigan didn't know what to say. Could she even do that? Could she talk about him to someone like Michael?

"I don't know," she said.

"It's fine," he said. "You don't have to. I just want you to know I'm not jealous of him. I mean that. I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk about him or if like... I don't know, if a story comes up or something, you don't have to feel like you have to pretend he didn't exist. He was part of your life. I know that."

Raigan focused on the feeling of his fingers resting on the back of her arm. She frowned and she thought hard.

"I was really young when we met," she said. "And I wasn't... I wasn't thinking about dating at all. I mean the extent of my interest in anything romantic was finding your picture in magazines just because I knew if I didn't own it that I was attracted to you, my best friend would tease me about it until I was so embarrassed I just folded in on myself. But really I was just interested in my job. I was just about to take over at Hogwarts, actually be in charge and not just the apprentice. I was nervous about it and that was like... the one and only thing on my mind.

"And then my best friend — James. He asked me to go with him to his summer work party because his girlfriend at the time couldn't go. This was when he worked at this ministry. Before he was a teacher. And so I went and he introduced me to his coworker and he was..." 

Raigan paused and shook her head.

"I don't know. I think he was the only thing that could've really distracted me from thinking about being a nurse back then. I had a pretty one track mind. I was that way in school, too. I never... I don't know. It wasn't something I needed. Like, James he was always dating someone or flirting with someone and I just didn't care. And then I met Dawson and all the sudden I was like, god I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop wondering if he's thinking about me, too. It was the first time I had ever, ever felt like that. It was the first time I ever had a real crush, not just a magazine one."

She paused again, took a breath.

"He was American. Dawson was. He was from Georgia. He had this funny southern accent and I would always tease him about the way he said things and then he'd poke fun at me right back for sounding 'posh' and I just remember thinking how crazy it was that I even had the guts to joke around with him, because I was still so shy back then. He brought it out of me though, like James always had. He made me feel comfortable. He was just... he was a total goofball, but also a perfect gentleman and at that point in my life, that was everything I wanted.

"He was big into romantic gestures. I mean like rose petals on the bed and spelling things out in the sand and fancy candlelight dinners and all the cliches. I'd probably roll my eyes at it now, but I was twenty one. I thought it was perfect. I thought he was perfect. And I know he wasn't. But he was just... he was a really wonderful person. He was so kind to me and he made me feel so special and he was such a good dad. And it just sucks that he only got to be a dad for a year."

Raigan's eyes filled up with her tears and a lump rose in her throat. "And it sucks that I only knew him for three years and I still feel this scared to let go. I feel so guilty for falling in love with you and that's— that's garbage. That's a shitty way to feel about loving someone. I don't want to feel like that. It isn't fair to you."

Michael had kept very quiet through all of this, just letting her talk, and to his credit, he hadn't gone stiff or taken his arm away or given any sign that he was uncomfortable.

"Believe me," he said quietly. "Nothing about hearing you say that makes me feel shitty."

"What?"

"Raigan, I've completely fallen in love with you, too."

It was only after he said that Raigan realized neither of them had said those words yet. Not once. Not anything remotely like them.

Raigan looked at him for a second, tears pouring down her face, and then she stared back forward. "I'm so confused," she whispered, barely able to get it out through her tears.

"Raigan," he said again. "Look at me." He took his arm from around her, reached for her hand and clasped it between both of his. He waited until she'd lifted her eyes to his to speak again. "You're allowed to love him, too."

For some reason, hearing it put that way, being given permission not to let go, or at least not to forget... it lifted the biggest weight from her chest, weight she hadn't even realized she'd been carrying.

She inhaled almost like a gasp. It felt like standing in the ocean and being slapped in the face by a wave you only thought would reach your waist. It felt like being caught unprepared in sudden and heavy rain. It felt equally alarming and refreshing. Most of all, it felt true.

Raigan kissed Michael hard and then she held onto his shoulders and whispered, "Thank you," before her tears made it impossible for her to say anything.

Michael hugged her again. He pulled her into his lap and held on tight and Raigan curled her legs up onto the couch and let him. She could give herself permission to love them both. She could do that.