Mella0221

YEAS!! I am  back with a new one, someone has willingly danced towards my chopping block *Dark Giggle*  I don't know why people enjoy my rants, but *shrugs* I love to rant, so...

Any way~! We will start! Now!

{ Jennifer Henry is a quite girl who likes to focus on her work than boys. Maybe that why she didn't have a boyfriend during the 17 years she be living. On the other hand her sister Brianna is the most popular girl in school. She has a boyfriend named August Smith. When Jennifer first meet August she thinks he is the most cockyest jerk she ever meet. But as she got to now him she start to have feelings for him. Will she fall for her sister boyfriend?}

REWRITE (rarely, that I'll do this)

Jennifer Henry is quiet girl who prefers to focus on books, rather than the boys at her local highschool.

Because of her single minded focus, she's managed to live her seventeen years without a boyfriend.

On the other hand, her sister—who is her total opposite, and is the most popular girl in school. Has managed to capture a boy named August Smith.

When she first meets this "Boyfriend", she thinks him to be the most arrogant jerk she's ever had the bad fortune to meet.

But as they grow closer, she starts to find herself falling for the arrogant pratt.

Could she really be falling for her sisters boyfriend?

Found out, in...My Sisters Boyfriend.

(It's not a good sign, when an author's story summary has grammatical mistakes. That's a sure signal for Gramma Nazi's to stay away. I suggest the writer re-write there summary.)

Chapter One Review (Keeping with tradition, only three chapters bruh!)

The problems I have with this first chapter starts in the beginning. It's in the characters POV. I'm honestly not enthused to continue...why? Because it's not splashing me with her personality. She's setting up this Stacy character, to be a stacy sue.

Her version: (Go read it lol )

Mine:

The blaring sound of the alarm, jerked me out of my sleep, with a groan of protest I lifted my head to stare blearily at the red glowing numbers.

With a heavy sigh, I let my head fall back onto to the pillow.

It was the first day of school.

With that realization, came another groan of protest as I attempted the arduous task of getting out of bed. I managed somehow to get up, and head towards my bathroom. It was sad to feel thirty, when I was merely going into my junior year of high school.

Rubbing a frustrated hand through my thick black curls, and over my tired looking face. I leaned closer to get a good look at the black circles under my dark-brown eyes. Marring the average beauty of my brown colored skin. Even the mole at the corner of my mouth looked like it was frowning.

Giving a huff of annoyance, I grabbed my tooth brush and started getting to work preparing for school.

Now, this is merely another way to go about the first three paragraphs. I'm not completely knocking the opening, because I did get the clear view of a disgruntled teenager, and her parents seem like any other parents.

It wasn't all bad, but there was certain missing piece that would have taken this first chapter to the bay.

...Seriously? She meets him in the first chapter? No, could we not meet this guy till later? Like...the second chapter, later?

(I don't have a problem, with her meeting the guy but I would like the character to develop beyond, slightly jealous of her sister and the second favorite [ which would be bomb a** F*** if you explored that aspect of it] before she's having run-ins with mister antagonist/protagonist—depending on your view, and starts shaking up the drama tree.)

I can't say the reading was truly bad or anything, but more description and definitely some reading aloud, is needed to take this story to the next level. And before this turns into a romance it would be nice to explore the girl's emotions in relation to her sister.

Chapter 2 and Chapter 3 (Cause their short chapters.)

1st thing I've noticed is the dialogue of two different people are too close together, make sure you keep them separate it can confuse readers as to who is speaking if you have them in the same paragraph together. I prefer to separate my paragraphs from the speakers, unless the same person is speaking at the beginning and the end of said paragraph.

2nd thing, I have a feeling that Breanna's boyfriend is going to enjoy torturing Jennifer, and I love that idea...honestly, I do! Especially if it's done with heavy comedy involved. Because I already feel the boyfriend and the Jenn will get together, but I am curious as to how it will come about.

3rd This first paragraph makes it all too clear, that the male character is going to need some heavy handed love from the author. It's too straight forward and simple, turning this devil may care Stanley Bad character cookie shaped.

For instance, his father is a workaholic...right? So is that why the mother is absent?

Does August feel lonely because of this, is he acting this way to get attention. Does he really, really like Breana or see her as a toy?

There should be a hint of some of these things in the third chapter...something that adds some flavor to the story, the ending of chapter three is funny, but it would have probably been more amusing if the two had two more run-ins before she found out his identity.

Welp! Here we are at the end of the SYWAR As I usually say, do not take my judgment as the only one out there, and if you wish to argu against my thoughts please do so. Nothing helps an author more than a discussion over their work.

Now CHECK OUT MY SISTERS BOYFRIEND, BY Mella0221, perfect with chips and dip.

SYWAR OUT!!