s h a t t e r e d  h e a r t s

c h a p t e r  13

Nik can't know of this plan, he just can't. I refuse to believe that he would ever be apart of something so horrible and cruel. He loves his mother, and he respects her, she is after all his mother and never could he just kill her in that manner and take away everything that she has worked for. His mother is the Alpha and has been for so many years, longer than we have been born, and she has been the best Alpha that this Pack has ever know. Nik would always talk about how he knew of the amazing things that she did.

He was afraid that he would never be able to do as amazing thing as she did and that he would be become a horrible Alpha when the time came. I would always have to tell him that he doesn't have to be a better one than his mother was, he just had to be himself and lead the Pack is the best way that he knows how. Nik was never sure how to lead a Pack, but it would appear that he has found someone who is willing to do anything to get that position. I glare at my sister as she leaves the room.

Once the silence has taken me again, I sit there, and I wonder what I can do. Fight back? How? I'm not much help, and besides the Pack has rejected me. Some part inside me tells me that fighting back is out of the question because they don't care about me and I shouldn't care about them, I shouldn't care if they live, or they die or what happens. But, no matter i9f they have rejected me, these are innocent people and especially the Alpha who has devoted her life to be in that position as well as a mother.

I know that my father would help her if she needed with the Pack as he is the Beta and second in command, yet he never wanted the position. I remember that he and my mother talked about how happy he was that the Alpha did have Nik because then he wouldn't have to take over the Pack if anything were to happen to the Alpha. Not that my father hated working as the Beta, he loves that position, but leading the Pack? That isn't something that anyone can do.

And my father was afraid to do that. It takes a lot to admit when one is afraid of such things, but he was afraid of it, and he still is. I know that. Besides, Nik is meant to take over once the timing is right. Which does not include killing his own mother and take over the Pack. I refuse to believe that Nik could ever do that. He loves his mother, and Nik doesn't have that inside him to kill the woman that raised him and loved him from the moment that she knew she was pregnant with him.

In this room I sit, and I think all of this over, lost in my own denial. I want so badly to call Sam right now to ask for his opinion in the matter and what I should do. I don't. I can't understand why I've not called him. I've not told him everything, and especially about Nik and my sister. Sam doesn't know who my Mate is or is supposed to be, and I fear telling him. He will see me as someone who is weak, because if I were the Mate to the future Alpha, then I have to be the strong Luna that would control the Pack alongside the Alpha.

Everyone can see that I'm as weak as weak becomes. I can barely stand in my own two feet, and I don't eat much nor drink much. I'm dying, and when the pain is barely there anymore, I know that I'm dying. In some way I'm dying and the longer that Nik is with Katherine, the more I will continue to die until I will eventually just die. There is nothing and no one that can prevent all of that from happening, and there is nothing that I can do about it.

If I ruin their happiness and since they have a child now, I don't think that I can live with myself. The Pack would hate me more than they already do because I took away the happiness of two people and separated a family for my own personal gain. None of that feels right, and I'm not the type of person that would cause others harm. But, am I the type that would stand by and watch as the two of the most important people in my life are going to murder an innocent woman for their own personal gain?

I know in my heart that I have to do something. The Alpha isn't just my Alpha, but she's also the woman that helped us get through my mother's passing. She helped in any way that she could and supported us. She's the woman that helped us and was there for us in time of need, and now it's time for me to be there when she needs me. I will die, that is certain for me, but this woman has a chance to live a happy life and see her grandchild grow.

As the hours begin to pass, I run over everything in my mind until I've finally figured out what I have to do. And it is so simple that it's strange that I never thought about it before. I don't think that I can speak to anyone, no one but Sam that is, but I can write a note to the Alpha and explain this to her. I look around the room for something to write on. I can't find anything just by looking at it, but there are other places that I can look at. I take the covers off my body and sit in the position where my legs dangle from the bed.

A massive headache is thrown my way. All that I do is brush it off and stand on my feet. Ignoring the pain that runs through my body. The pain so intense that it wants to bring me down to my knees. I refuse it. The pain had been gone before yet has returned now and is as painful as they become. It's even hard to stand in my own two feet, which I find feel like they would break at any second now because they won't support my weight.

I take a deep breath, no matter how painful that is, and walk towards the desk. Putting one foot in front of the other until I make it there. Once I'm there, I sit down on the chair that Katherine had been sitting. It makes me further remember the words that she said, and I don't think that I was able to process everything that she did say. Frozen in the seat I realize, I truly realize that my own sister wants me to die. She hates me enough that she wants me to suffer and die.

When going throughout childhood in my head, I can't really find anything that would link her hatred for me. We fought sometimes as children, but all siblings fight every once in a while. I think that's just how it is, yet that hatred that she gave me moments ago had been so deep, and it had been going on for years. I think that I could see just how much she hated me. With the thought that my own sister could hate me so much, the tiny part that had mended inside my heart chips away until the heart within me is once again nothing.

Just an empty space in my chest. A tear falls down my face when I truly realize just how much she hates me and wants me dead. The hatred and loathing that I saw couldn't have been my sister. Not the sister that I grew up with. She loved her bed more than anything, and she liked pretty things and loved shopping, and she occasionally liked to use her hands and create something. Whether that was sewing or just anything that she could do with her hands. She never wanted anyone to know that she liked to get her hands dirty to create something beautiful.

It was a secret that I held for her and I swore that I would never tell anyone, and I've not. I will not tell anyone about it, ever. Because she put her trust in me and there is nothing that I will do to break that trust. However, she did break my trust. And, I refuse to actually believe that she is someone that wants me dead. We shared laughs and enjoyment in the past. We didn't fight every day when we fought, perhaps once every month or every other month. It depended on a lot.

We did have some falling out when our mother passed away, because that was a big hit on our family. Yet, both of us realized that we needed each other, and we were once again growing closer. The one thing that I never told her was that my Mate is Nik, yet somehow she figured it out. In truth, it's pretty obvious that he's my Mate, and so many thought that we would become Mates. I grew sick the moment that he chose her and rejected me, someone must have seen that.

Maybe that someone had been my very own sister, who now hates my entire existence. I stare at the table for some time. Thinking about this. The more that I think about it, the less it makes sense. As much as I want all of this to just be a dream, it isn't. The pain reminds me of that, and the reality of everything is something that tells me I'm not dreaming. This is true and all of the things that have happened to me are happening, and they are real, it's all real, as painful as it is, it is real.

It takes me some minutes to gather myself and open a drawer. It might be wrong to go through her things, but I'm sure she will understand if she knew the reasoning behind it, and if she were here I would explain it to her that way. I'm sure the Pack Healer wouldn't mind that I used one little paper to write one note and then be done with it. I take out a paper, I knew it was there. Well, it was a guess, but I knew that she had some empty sheets of paper lying around.

Closing the drawer, I put the paper down on the table and take a pen that is lying near the computer keyboard. I hold the pen, and I was about to write down. When I figured that the Alpha would recognize my handwriting and know from whom the note would be. She would come here and question me. I don't think that I'm capable of lying to the Alpha. If she asks a question, then I can't tell her a lie. She does have authority over us in ways that we might never understand, which is another reason why she's the Alpha.

I gulp as I put the pen in my left hand. I'm not as good of a writer in my left hand which does allow me to hide my handwriting and I doubt she has taken to notice how I write with my left hand anyway. I take a deep breath as I begin to write on the paper. Putting down everything that I know of Katherine and her plan. I don't mention Nik because I can't be certain that he has anything to do with this, perhaps because I hope that he doesn't have anything to do with any of this plan of hers.

I write until the page itself has been filled to the brink of my words, a bit messy since I'm using my left hand instead of my dominate one, but it will just have to be messy. Once I'm done, I realize that I find myself feeling this uncontrollable rage. The one that I've been keeping deep within me this entire time and doing all that I can to not let out of me. The anger that I feel for my sister for what she has done and the anger for Nik because he can't see or even sense that I'm his Mate but most importantly I'm angry at myself.

I'm the reason why I'm in this situation and I find that I'm angry at myself, and it can be seen in the writing that I did. At the top of the page I had started to write normally (at least as normal as my right hand could be) but the lower on the page that I got, I realize that I press harder with the pen. I stare at the paper. Not at the words but at the paper, perhaps not looking at anything at all.

A tear strays down my face and I put the pen down onto the table. Letting out a sigh, I pick the paper up and fold it, after I've made sure that the ink from the pen won't smear. Using the back of my hand, I wipe away the tear that had fallen. I refuse to be weak any longer. In this state of rage, I know that I need to fight back. I have to do everything that I can to fight back, perhaps not to live, but to do something. To show them that they ere wrong to rejected me.

I stand up. Then an idea comes in my head. I stare at the door of the room. The whole Pack rejected me, I don't belong here anymore. This Pack doesn't want me, and neither does the Alpha. Otherwise, she would have come here, and she would have done something. She hasn't done anything for me, she hasn't talked to me, and she doesn't want to deal with me. None of them do. So, why should I have to deal with them? Why should I try to save the woman that doesn't care about me?

The very same woman that is allowing me to wither away in here, alone and lost. She's letting me die and doesn't want to do anything about it. I look down at the folded paper in my hand, and then I crumble the paper up and throw it away in the trash. Let them kill her. Let me die. Who cares? I glare at the door as I walk towards it. Not caring about the pain that still travels through my body, not caring about anything. I don't think that I care about my life, nor anyone else's for that matter.

They don't care about my life, so why should I care about theirs? I open the door and walk through the hallways. It might be some time since I've been out here, the last time I had gone outside and stayed the night in the forest. It has been some time since I did that. When I walk the hallways, people are looking at me with these odd stares. I don't care about them nor how they have started to whisper to themselves. I can bet they are whispering about me. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out.

My eyes stare at them, with a glare, for they hate me just as much as I hate them. In my entire life, I never though that I would be able to hate someone, yet now I feel those feelings clear as day. Sam had been right about one thing. Revenge is sweet, and I think I have an idea on how to make that revenge be sweeter than sweet. I will feel that revenge. And I will show everyone that they messed with the wrong girl. None of them will know just how much they have broken me.

It may be seen on my face on how dead I am and appear to be, but that will not be enough. For there is still life within my body, weak but life it is and life it will continue. There is a chance that I will die soon enough, in that time I'm going to make certain that those that have turned their backs on me will suffer. The Pack that I once belonged to and believed it will suffer in the way that I have suffered, perhaps not worse, but they will have felt my pain.

The whispers grow louder to the point where I can even pick up a few things that they are saying. "Look at her" "No wonder she got rejected" "Should we help her" "She's already dead" The words continue on and come from every direction. I don't care. I don't even listen to what they have to say about me. They can whisper and gossip all they want about me. None of that matters. I feel the anger inside me control me. As if the Wolf were still alive. The Wolf is the keeper of anger, and now I feel the anger flow through me.

With it, the possibility that my very own Wolf might be guiding the anger through me. For normal Werewolves, the Wolf and the human work together and the Wolf controls all feelings that are beyond the human part of us. It might also mean that the Wolf is gone from me and the anger that the Wolf kept at bay has been let free because the Wolf is not there to control it. If that is what is happening to me, then I might be in bigger trouble than I thought. None of that matters, though.

I walk through the Pack House. Walking past people who I once believed were my friend and perhaps even family. We all live together as one, and we are supposed to take care of one another, yet none of them took care of me when I needed them the most. Why should I now care about them, and they feel? My head is held high or as high as I can keep it, with the pain that runs through me, it's hard to walk. I don't go that fast either, not that I'm in any hurry anyway. My legs, however, feel like they have been shot a million times.

Even shot off my body, and I'm walking on nothing, seconds away from slamming against the ground. Black dots have taken over my vision, or almost, that is. I'm still fighting back, and I will continue to fight back against this pain and against the feelings within my body. And I will let the anger control me and my body. It is the only reason for why I'm still standing on my feet and am able to walk. It guides me and helps me, perhaps even more than anyone has ever done.

Sam's face flashes before my mind and I find myself freezing in front of the door of the room that I was about to enter. Nik's room. I stand there with the thought of Sam. Without even knowing why I would ever be thinking about him, it makes me confused at why he would come across my mind like that. Somehow, the heart within my calms down just by thinking of him. With Sam's image in my mind and his voice and his smile and him, I find myself calling down. My hand slams against the wall to keep myself standing up.

My heart has been rid of the anger, and I don't even know what I'm doing here. Why I had decided to go here, and yet I know why I'm here. My heart knows where to go and there is nothing that can change that. I'm here because within me, I know that I need to talk to Nik. I stand in front of his room because I have to get to the bottom of this. The anger has left me alone, it makes me vulnerable and all alone somehow, with no place left to go.

Then the door to the room opens and Nik stands there. I see that he looks as handsome as ever and I find myself staring right into his eyes. The very eyes that I feel in love with and the eyes that I wish I could stare into forever. They aren't Sam's. I nearly gasp when I realize that I just compared their eyes. Why would I do that? I stare with shock at Nik, the anger truly has left me all alone. Everyone has left me alone. I find that I'm weaker than ever, as if I'm standing in front of him naked and bare for him to see.

"Tatianna" He says, so softly and slowly that I felt that I did not hear it until some seconds later, or perhaps I'm just still in shock because of all of this. The things that I learned before and what Katherine told me, it's still weighing heavily on my heart where I don't even know what to do anymore. Leaving me confused and all alone. The water forms in my eyes, but I try my best to not cry. I won't cry. Then I do the unthinkable and something that I did not think that I could do. I talked to him. "Nik" I speak.

I may have spoken only his name, but I had spoken to him. It's only when his name is uttered that I realize what I'm actually doing here. I came here not in anger and because I wanted revenge, at least not the main reason because those reasons are still true. However, the real reason for why I'm here is because I have things that I need to get off my chest. I am here because I'm finally ready to admit my feelings for him, for Nik. I believe that I can tell him how I feel inside.

The room seems to grow smaller when it's just the two of us in here. The walls close in on me as if they were trying to suffocate me. I don't turn to face him, neither do I have the courage nor the emotional energy to do so. The silence has become unbearable. Breathing has become the chore that I don't want, and my chest is closing in on me. "You really aren't going to say anything?" His voice speaks to me. My eyes water as I slowly turn to look at him. The action painful as if I were being stabbed in the chest.

"What is there to say?" I ask him. Doing everything that I can to not break down right in front of him. He walks over to me. His thumb goes under my chin and lifts my head to be looking at him. Looking into the eyes that I've fallen in love with, and seeing the beauty that has me captivated. "The truth, Tatianna, the truth" He says. A tear of pure sorrow rolls down my cheek as I let out a painful breath.

My lips part, but I don't say a word, my voice simply does not want to come out. The words are right on my tongue, yet no matter how much I try, I can't get them out. "I've had enough of this" He says, with an annoyed sigh. Turning around, he walks out of the room and slams the door. Leaving me all alone in here with the salty tears running down my face. I fall down to the ground and sob my heart out. "I love you" I whisper, my voice so low and filled with pain.

You don't love me. You love her. I had promised myself that I would not cry over him. That plan has been thrown away, I can't fight back the tears nor fight back in general. The rage inside me is gone, and all that is left is the pain and the agony that is inside the hole that once was my heart. I had cut out my own heart and handed it to Nik, but he took my heart and threw it away. I sit down on the bed and allow the tears to fall down my face, and I allow myself to feel everything.

Revenge? That's out of the question. If I'm not strong enough to admit my own feelings for the boy that I grew up with, then I will never be able to get revenge. Even when everything inside me screams that revenge is the very right thing to do, I realize it's not the right thing for me to do. Using the back of my hands, I wipe away the tears and then look around the room. It has changed. Even when my vision is slightly blurred from the tears, I can see that the room has changed, a lot actually.

Everything that makes Nik Nik has been removed. His pictures that were on the walls are gone, the objects that were on his desk are gone. Even his favorite things have been removed. Replaced by Katherine's things. These are the things that used to be in our bedroom. They have been taken here, and his things have been removed. This isn't Nik's room any longer, and perhaps in some way he knows that. I saw the moment that I looked into his eyes that he was angry, not at me, but rather himself and perhaps even Katherine.

I stare at this room for a bit longer, it's strange to see that this used to be my favorite place in the house, we used to be spent so much time in here. Watch the ceiling and lie on the bed and simply talk. It were the best times, it was just the two of us. Nothing else and nothing else mattered anyway. We could tell each other everything. And, yet there was one thing that I never was able to tell him, and even now I can't say the words to him. Without even knowing why, I can't say them.

Looking outside, I realize that perhaps the reason for why I can't say the words is because the feelings aren't even there, and maybe they never were there at all. I realize that the one that I had fallen in love with, is not the one that I want. I don't even think that I love Nik, and maybe, just maybe, I've never even loved Nik at all. Simply felt the friendship that we shared, and I mistook that for love. Yet, I feel the love inside my heart. Not for Nik but for whom then? The first name that comes up in my mind is Sam's. I love Sam. Sam is my Mate.