April, 2019

I wish I could say that the self-doubt was the only side he ever saw, but unfortunately grief and anger were like weights on either end of a beam balancer, taking their equal turns in upending me as the emotions piled on. And the jetlag only accentuated the velocity of that switch.

After arriving at my hotel an hour later, I was quick to throw my luggage down, kick off my shoes, and collapse on the bed.

Though the reprieve of the pillowy comfort only lasted a moment when he broke the silence with, "You should shower first." His tone had taken a whiny edge to it since we had last conversed. Or, at least, that's how I was deciding to hear it. "It was a long fight, and London is full of germs, and—"

"Oh my gosh," I groaned, "Do you ever stop trying to dictate my life?"

"I'm not trying to—"

At once I sat up, venom filling my glare as I sought out his blue gaze from wherever he was talking.

Perched in a chair by the window, he was leaning over, crease between his brows as concern swirled across his face while he studied me. Almost as if he were assessing whether this was a slight snap or if I really had recessed into anger; he knew this dance all too well since he dropped the 'I chose to die' bomb on me.

"I'm a big girl, Ben," I had cut him off. "I can look after myself and make decisions for myself."

Heaving a sigh, he seemed to realise where this was heading. "I know that—"

Though I wasn't done, and his tone was really starting to irk me. "And if you wanted any say in my life," I went on, finally letting those words that had been building up since I left Australia exit my mouth, "Then you shouldn't have chosen to end things with me!"

"I didn't choose to end—"

"You chose to die, Ben. You said that. You said it was because you wanted me and Lukas back together. You gave me up to another person. You decided you didn't want me anymore, and—"

"I did still want you! I just... I couldn't live with knowing I had come between—"

Not wanting to hear his name uttered again, I cut him off with, "You made a rash decision without even talking to me about it. It was such a big deal when I wanted to even face Rüdiger because you were scared I would die, but when it came to your actual death, you just... you..." But I couldn't go on. I still couldn't believe he had done it.

Missing the cue, he retorted with, "As if you'd ever say if I asked, 'yeah, go kill yourself to break the bond so that I can be with Lukas'."

His name still felt like a stab in the chest, familiar waves of the searing pain that dulled in the background since the bond break resurfacing momentarily. "Of course I wouldn't. Because I chose you."

"But you didn't. I... You were going to leave me for him until his mum bewitched you with whatever she did."

"I wasn't going to leave you," I tried to convince us both, not wanting to recall those days, not wanting to remember the hopeful honey eyes staring at me as we were surrounded by thick forests.

"You told him you love him," Ben stated simply... like it barely bothered him anymore. Like I was the one not seeing sense here.

"But that doesn't mean I was going to leave you. At the end of the day, I chose you in that park, which is why I accepted the bond and kissed you back. But you decided to unchoose me when you ended your life."

"I merely got in the way that day, Oliv—"

"You didn't. I fell for you, Ben. No matter how many times we do it over, I'd fall for you all over again. It took one look at you in the library that day and I was head over heels for you."

His mouth opened to retort, but I wouldn't have it.

"Whatever Lukas and I had in the past that you were so infatuated by was so insignificant to me that it barely mattered when I met you. Sure, once he came back into the picture, I started having feelings for him again. But at the end of the day, those feelings were just remnants of a tie yet to be broken. Even if I did confess to him, I would never have left—"

"But you don't know if you would have left me or if you'd have given me up had he confessed back to you."

He wasn't wrong... I didn't know what past Ollie would have done. But I wasn't going to let him win this argument. I was never going to make him think anyone meant more to me than he did ever again. "Nor do you! But you didn't even care to wait. You just made decisions for the both of us like you always do, and—"

"I didn't want to wait around to see you choose him instead of me, okay, Olivia? I knew what I had done once he told me you two had a bond. I knew I would just always get in the way—"

But I was reaching my limits, teetering in the middle of the balance beam as the ocean of sorrow crept its way back towards me. "In all that time, did I really fail you so much to show how much I loved you? Was I that terrible of a girlfriend?"

His face and tone softened slightly as he said, "Of course not, Olivia. I knew you loved me. It's just... It wasn't the same. It wasn't right."

"We weren't right?" My voice broke. We both heard it.

His hand extended for me, trying to repair the cracks starting to form in my facade. "That's not what I—"

"I don't know how else you could possibly mean it." My eyes were starting to sting again. The dam had almost reached its capacity.

His mouth opened and closed several times, but nothing came out... Until he sighed and finally said, "You never fought with him like this."

My retort got caught in my throat as his words hit me. Because it wasn't like he was wrong. I never fought with him except the day I left... if you could call that a fight. But, "I left him though. Not once did I leave you. Even in death, even with a bond invitation back, I still chose you to—"

"I didn't die for you to cling onto me. I died so you could live. So I wouldn't keep holding you back from—"

"From a relationship you thought I wanted? Because you make all decisions for me?"

"From a relationship I got in the way of."

"You know just as much about whatever Lukas and I had as I did. So what the heck could you have been in the way of?" I couldn't let him think he was so insignificant to me. "Just admit you were wrong, Ben!"

"I can't," he forced through gritted teeth.

"Why? Would it hurt your pride that much?"

"I can't say I'm wrong because I'm not."

"You were! You stupidly left me alone—"

"You're not alone, Olivia. You've got so many people who love you, Lukas inclu—"

"For the millionth time, he's out of the picture! For good!" I snapped. Though the admission caused a twinge in my heart.

"But he shouldn't be."

It took everything in me to not break at those words. To keep up the act. Because I couldn't let him know that a part of me did regret losing Lukas... even if I still thought everything was his fault. So, with no retorts left, I hit him with the good old, "You're so fucking infuriating sometimes!"

"Sometimes? More like all the time! All you did when I was alive and dead was hate me. You never really could stand me. But Lukas never did anything wrong for you, and—"

"Ah. The jealousy comes out again," I said, hoping it was enough to keep us away from topics that came with talking about Lukas... to keep us from talking about mine and Lukas's mistakes that led to Ben's death.

His hands pulled at his hair as he finally jumped to his feet.

And I wasn't long after him, glaring up at him as he seethed down at me.

"I'm not jealous. I'm just sad that you won't forget me."

"Why the flying fuck would you want me to forget you? Did we not matter?"

"I've told you a hundred times, you were everything to me."

"Everything, but not enough to stick around for?"

"I couldn't do it, okay? I just couldn't watch you two breaking because of me. Neither of you were happy. I was in the way—"

"He chose to let me go, Ben, when he wiped my memory. You shouldn't have suffered the consequences."

His mouth opened to retort, but he bit back his words at the last minute. A moment of silence ensued before he said, "Well I did... I took the consequences. I made the decision neither of you could bring yourself to do because you didn't want to hurt me. That's why I removed myself from the picture."

Perhaps I should have pressed him on the unsaid words he had held back, but ringing in my mind louder was his admission of my biggest regret: that I had, at one point, wanted to end things with him, but couldn't bring myself to break him. My bottom lip started to quiver as the repentance consumed me. Had I never thought it, maybe Ben would still be here.

His face became coloured in apologetic notes once more as he watched me begin to fall back into grief fully this time, now set on trying to console me instead of arguing with me. "So let me move on by seeing you two pick up where you left off. Go back to him now that you're here. And fix what I fucked up by getting in the way."

"Ben," I whimpered, poking a finger into his nonexistent chest. "You didn't fuck up anything, okay? It was all me. I was broken. I was—"

"You did nothing wrong, Olivia," his tone softened. "I got in the way—"

"You, Ben, could never get in the way. You were my imperfectly perfect lover, and I was so glad I got to spend my time with you even if it was short. And if I could bring you back, I would. I'd search to the end of the earth for it. So I need you to stop thinking you were worthless. Because you were and are so damn special to me. I need you to value yourself more." My lip was quivering. The tears were streaming down my face. But I was consumed in guilt.

"But Olivia," he croaked back, "I'm an absolute arsehole. I fucked everything up—"

"I know you did. You left me by choice," my voice cracked.

"That, my love," his hand stroked my face, with no sensation of touch following, "Was the best decision I ever made."

At once, all affection I held for him washed from my body as the pooling anger and agony took hold again. "How could you say that?" I stepped back, watching his face drop with shame and sorrow at my distance. "If you're lingering because of unfinished business, then either it's that you need to acknowledge that, for once in your life, you were wrong about something—and that something was letting yourself get killed because you thought you were in the way. Or, your unfinished business has nothing to do with me and everything to do with wishing you were never actually with me."

He took a step closer. "How could you still think I never wanted to be—"

"Because, Ben, you chose to die," I cried, hating that we had reached the beginning of the circle again... or were stuck on this endless loop. And once the realisation that this same fight had started over hit me, I then said, "If you refuse to admit you were wrong making that decision, then I'll never forgive you. As long as I live, I will stay mad at you for doing this to me." I was desperate for him to stop blaming himself. I was desperate to hear him say he shouldn't have died... because only then could I possibly forgive myself, as selfish as it was.

Standing up straight, his arms crossed over his chest as his gaze glowered with annoyance. "Then don't forgive me. But I did this for you."

Before I could respond that he had done this for himself, his body vanished in front of my eyes, my near vision going blank.

Head whipping around, I searched the room for him, wondering where he had gone.

But I was alone.

Just my breath filled the room.

Just my steps echoed in the space.

And the walls started to feel like they were closing in on me again.

As the air started to become sparse, my knees began to buckle. At once, I collapsed onto the bed.

Water filled my vision, and my hand clasped my chest as I tried to inhale through the sharp tightness around my heart.

But I couldn't breathe.

The air had disappeared completely from the room.

I started to gasp.

Curling into a ball on the mattress, I clawed at the sheets as I struggled for oxygen, all the while the walls continued to come for me.

"Breathe, Olivia," his musical voice whispered, breaking through the darkness that had been closing me in.

Head whipping up, I peered through my cloudy gaze for him, delighted to see the brilliant swirling blue looking back at me. "I... I..."

He shook his hand, hand reaching for my face. "It's okay. For now, just breathe."

"I miss you so much," I managed to heave out between shaky breaths.

"I'm right here."

"But you're also not," I sobbed.

"I'll be here as long as you need me... until you've learned to live without me. I promise."

"Why couldn't you have just stayed? I wanted to spend my life with you. I wanted—"

"I wanted it too. Believe me, I wanted nothing more." His arms wrapped around me, and I tried to burrow into him. Though unfortunately, while he seemed there, I just fell through the apartation of him.

"Then why couldn't you have just stayed?" I asked again, for the millionth time.

"Because I thought this would hurt less?"

"You think seeing you die was the easiest way to not—" But my words caught as I met his gaze.

A seriousness adorned his expression, a truth as plain as day for me to see.

He did genuinely think that. Whether he regrets it now or not didn't matter. It was what he believed when he died... and nothing I said or did could change what had brought him to that decision.

"Ben, I don't know how to live without you."

"It's easy," he whispered. "You go right back to where you were before I came in and messed it up."

"I can't," I said, voice cracking. "I can't do this without you."

"You can and you will. You are strong, Olivia. You've been through the most horrible things before you met me and survived them. You survived many heartbreaks before me..."

Shaking my head, I blubbered, "Jacob was barely a—"

"You survived losing Lukas many times over."

"He meant nothing," I tried to insist again, though we could both hear the lie in my tone. "I don't even remember being with him."

But he merely ignored my words as he said, "I wish I could just wipe my existence from your memory. It would be the last gift I would give you. And then you could say I meant nothing."

"I will never—"

"Shh," he said again. "Just sleep now. It will feel better once you've slept."

"I can't do this, Ben. I just... Come back. Please come back."

"I can't ever come back. You know that..."

"But—"

"Shh," he whispered again. I knew he was stroking my face as he hushed me. From the peripherals, I watched his arm move again and again as he most likely brushed his thumb over my cheek—a thing he used to do when he was still here. But never again would I experience the soothing feel of his caress.

He started to hum me a familiar lullaby—one that normally put me at ease in times of distress.

I had so many more things I wanted to lash out at him—new comments we hadn't explored and familiar punches he'd received before ever since confessing he had decided to die.

But the jetlag had finally won its battle with me.

The deep dark depths of slumber came rushing in like waves, starting to pull me under for brief seconds. Then longer glimpses. His song became broken up, disrupted.

And the last thing I heard before nodding off was a voice—not Ben's—telling me, "Close your eyes now, Olivia... I'll see you again soon."

Hi readers,

Just announcing to you all that uploads for part 2 will be switching to fortnightly uploads for a while.

My current condition I have has had me feeling really unwell and unable to focus for long periods. Though any good moment I have, I'm going to work on this book so that I can switch back to weekly uploads ASAP.

I hope you understand!

See you in two weeks with the next chapter!