***

The new day greeted Bjorn with a terrible hangover, a hard-on, and loneliness.

The bed, which still held Toby's warmth, was empty. And the man thanked God for that.

Bjorn didn't want to frighten Toby with his excitement. Especially since it probably had nothing to do with the guy himself.

After lying there for a while, looking at the mold-covered walls, Bjorn got up and left the bedroom.

The man found Toby in the kitchen. The guy had already made breakfast: disgusting instant coffee and some sandwiches. And as Toby was closing the refrigerator, Bjorn noticed that the guy had almost no food left.

"How does he survive in such conditions?" mentally astonished Bjorn, but he did not voice his thought.

"Good morning," said Bjorn, taking a seat on a chair. "Thank you for the bed and the heating pad. You are very nice."

"You're welcome," Toby smiled shyly and blushed deeply as he remembered waking up to Herr Dalgaard's impressive penis pressed against his buttocks and the man's strong fingers gently stroking his nipple.

"I made you some coffee," he said, pointing to the cup and thought that he would definitely buy something more worthy of Herr Dalgaard than this slop.

"Can I take a shower first?" Bjorn asked.

And the guy nodded.

A little later, as they slowly sipped their coffee and ate their sandwiches, the man asked:

"What are you doing this weekend? Going to visit your «caring» aunt?"

"No," Toby laughed and pushed back the bangs that had fallen over his eyes. "I can't go there. My uncle won't let me in the door. Auntie will come herself. She comes in quite often, but we rarely see each other because I'm always at work. She really takes care of me. She cooks for me and cleans for me. Last time she brought me a sofa. She's nice."

He sipped some more of his coffee and looked at the man.

"I will probably work part-time at the weekend. And what are you going to do? I'm sure you have more interesting things to do than I do."

"I wanted to invite you to go fishing, but it can't compete with a part-time job," Bjorn grinned. "In general, you're good for striving for the better. That's very, very commendable. But sometimes you must rest, too."

"Fishing?" Toby's eyes lit up. "Me? Really? Is it that fishing trip, where the river and the quiet and the fish? Did I get that right?"

The man nodded and Toby almost shrieked with delight, but quickly pulled himself together.

"You're not kidding?"

"I'm not kidding. Will you going?"

"Yes!" exclaimed Toby cheerfully, but he felt embarrassed and made his heart thunder with elation subside and calm down. Then he took a few deep breaths and said: "Yes, I'll go. Of course I will!"

"Then I'll pick you up early on Friday morning. Be ready."

The guy nodded modestly, but his eyes shone with happiness.

And Bjorn felt a warmth in his soul.

***

Toby was waiting for the weekend with a sinking heart and an anticipation of something wonderful.

The night before Friday, the excitement kept him awake. He was tossing and turning in bed, trying to sleep, but nothing worked. So, giving up this futile exercise, he promised himself to get some sleep when he returned and started to get ready.

Herr Dalgaard knocked on his door as the hands on the clock passed the four o'clock mark and began a new round of their endless run. And fifteen minutes later Toby was sitting in his boss's minivan, and could not believe that all this was really happening.

"Unbelievable," Toby exhaled noisily as the man started the engine and the car started off, sending them on a little journey. "That's really unbelievable!"

Bjorn smiled and looked at the guy, who had left his hair and eyes untinted for the occasion of the fishing trip, and looked very nice.

"Did you get the jacket?" The man asked. "It might be cold by the lake."

Toby nodded and opened the bag, revealing the warm clothes.

Bjorn looked at Toby's feet and shook his head.

"Your sneakers are no good at all," he remarked. "You should have put on something warmer. Maybe you should go back before we get too far away."

"These are warm," Toby lied and turned away, pretending to look at the cityscape outside the window.

He didn't tell the man that he simply didn't have any other shoes. Herr Dalgaard buys him lunches all the time as it is. It won't be good if the man starts dressing him as well.

"Where exactly are we going?" Toby asked to change the theme. "Is there a forest? Or a bridge? Or a pier? Or are we going fishing on a boat? Do you really like fishing? And have you ever been hunting?"

"God! What a lot of questions." Bjorn laughed. "Yes, I like fishing and hunting, but only as one more way to feed oneself. I don't think killing for fun makes sense. And, yes, where we're going there's woods and a pier and a boat. There's even a campground. So if the weather will be good, we can stay the night. I want a break from the hustle and bustle of the city. But if you need to go home, no problem. I'll drive you."

"No, no," the guy quickly shook his head and smiled happily. "I don't have to go anywhere. And no one's waiting for me, so it would be really great to stay."

"Okay," Bjorn winked at the guy and turned on the music to make it more fun.

Toby's satisfied face pleased the man's eyes and warmed his soul, and Bjorn promised himself that he would make the vacation unforgettable for Toby.

***

The lake greeted them with silence, fog and the coolness of the morning.

Bjorn parked the car in the parking lot, paid to the lake keeper for the fishing permit, and, taking the fishing rod and tackle from the trunk, led Toby along the beaten path deep into the forest, glancing at him occasionally to make sure the guy was satisfied.

Dense thickets of bushes and tall trees gave the impression of impenetrable wilds, but unlike the wild forests, this one seemed more friendly and welcoming.

Toby viewed his surroundings with genuine interest and admired every detail, which made the man walking beside him chuckle, calling him a little savage. But this did not offend the guy, and, on the contrary, raised his spirits even more.

By the time they reached the shore of the big lake, the sun had risen high enough. The misty haze cleared, revealing the smooth, shiny surface of the water, in which the sky and the trees on the shore reflected like a mirror.

Herr Dalgaard did not hesitate and in a few minutes handed Toby a fishing rod, with which the guy went to the water's edge.

There's nothing but tadpoles in here! - He wrinkled his nose at the small fish fluttering in the clear water.

"Do you want to go straight for the catfish?" The man raised an eyebrow mockingly.

Toby nodded, confirming the hunch, and Bjorn laughed.

"You should at least catch a tadpole first, and then we'll see if you're ready for serious work," he said.

Toby only snorted in reply. He unwound the fishing line, hooked the bait, and threw it into the water. And soon he was holding a tiny, shiny fish in front of his boss's nose that wouldn't have been enough even for a kitten's supper.

"It's not serious to catch that little fish," the guy said with the tone of a professional fisherman. "Maybe we'd better take the boat?"

"How quick you are," smirked Bjorn, looking closely at the guy's prey. Then he carefully took the «tadpole» off the hook and threw it into the water. "You will have a boat."

The man left Toby on the edge of the lake and went to the keeper to take care of some formalities. And when he returned, he beckoned the lad to follow him.

Nearby, by the pier hidden in the reeds, stood a small boat.

Bjorn put it in the water and, sitting in it, held out his hand to Toby.

"Be careful," the man asked, squeezing the guy's cool palm tightly. "I don't want you to catch a cold again if you fall in the water."

"No, I'm not going to catch a cold from a little thing like that," Toby laughed as he boarded the boat. "I really like fishing. My friend Klaus and I used to get out of class to do it. It was great. Now I'm almost running away with you."

"From the lessons?" Bjorn surprised, and taking up the oars, he began to row the boat toward the center of the lake, where there might be bigger fish.

"You ask as if I'm talking about something supernatural." Toby chuckled, watching the man's movements carefully. "It's not like I've been working since I was born. Just the last two years. After I had to quit school."

"That's not what I meant..." Bjorn said, and thought to himself that this strange guy with his heartbreaking story was more and more strongly gnawing at his heart like a tick.

The guy who thinks he's gay and has no parents, but has relatives who don't accept his weirdness. Good, kind, hardworking...

Bjorn didn't understand at all, what did the guy's idiot uncle want? But he decided not to bring up the subject of family, and asked about a friend:

"And this Klaus, did he also turn away from you when he found out about your preferences?"

"No," Toby shook his head, and smiled warmly. - Klaus is a true friend. He's very kind and sympathetic. I lived with him before I got a job and could rent an apartment. He even offered me to stay, but... I can't live off other people, you know? I owe you, too. But someday I'll pay you back. Don't think, Herr Dalgaard, I won't forget your kindness."

"Okay," the man didn't argue so as not to humiliate the guy's dignity.

He wants to repay? Well, that's commendable.

They were silent for a few minutes, and then Bjorn asked a question that was very interesting to him.

"Say, did something happen between you and your friend? I know I'm minding your own business, but I'm still trying to figure out how you can be aware of your orientation without having tasted, so to speak, both goodies?"

"Who says I haven't tried it?" Toby blushed and pretended to scrutinize the gear.

He was not accustomed to being frank, but he felt not only sympathy for Herr Dalgaard, but also trust, and therefore saw nothing wrong in speaking frankly.

"I've tried these so-called goodies. I know what I'm talking about. This is not a childish desire for attention or a youthful rebellion against the system. It's just the way I am. There's nothing I can do about it. But it's also very stupid to deceive myself. Even if I started hiding, it wouldn't do any good. Sooner or later I would have to tie my life to some girl, and then there would be a disaster. It's not the girls' fault that I'm not attracted to them. So why ruin their lives and break their hearts? Just to hide? Then what the hell kind of man would I be?"

"So you tried it," said Bjorn thoughtfully, and stopped the boat in a cozy swampy backwater.

He felt an unpleasant tingle in his chest. Maybe it was because he wanted things to get better for Toby, and nothing was going to get better for him.

He'd dropped out of school, painted himself up like some kind of scarecrow, trying to work, but he'd still be a messenger with no education. And he won't get an education because he doesn't have enough money. And all because he wants to fuck with men.

Isn't that strange? Let him fuck. Would that make anyone feel worse? It's a strange world. It's crazy, it's wild. Everyone screams about the soul, but above all they look in the panties.

"You'll be all right, Toby," Bjorn said with warmth in his voice. "You're a very outspoken guy, and it'll work to your advantage, you'll see."

"Do you really believe that?" the guy asked. "Or are you just lying to me, like all the adults? Herr Dalgaard, you are a wonderful man, really. No one would care about someone like me, and somehow you do. And I want to believe you. Except I know what kind of life awaits me. I understand that. So don't... Even if you mean well, don't lie to me."

"And what kind of life awaits you?" The man asked and began to unwind the fishing line, gesturing for Toby to join him.

"Lousy," the guy laughed mirthlessly. "You have no idea how lousy it is. But I don't want to think about it. It's too exhausting. Let it go as it goes, and I'll see what happens. Let's just fishing. It's much more interesting and pleasant than thinking about life."

Again, Bjorn did not argue, allowing the guy to distract himself from the thoughts he had led him to.

The vacation to come promised to be fun and interesting. And Bjorn decided not to spoil it with any more strange nonsense.

***

The day passed quickly and unnoticed.

Herr Dalgaard no longer had any serious conversations, but found many fun and interesting topics to talk about.

Toby couldn't remember the last time he had such a wonderful rest. Not only in body, but also in soul. And really didn't know how to repay the man for such a generous and heartfelt gift.

As the sun began to dip to the horizon and the sky turned every shade of red, they sat at the grill and inhaled the breathtaking aroma of fish cooking on the coals.

The edge of the glowing sun hid behind the tops of the lush trees, and it was darkening rapidly.

Herr Dalgaard was concentrating on cutting vegetables for the salad, and Toby, watching him, suddenly inquired:

"Do you love anyone?"

The question had been on his tongue for a long time, but he dared to ask only now.

Bjorn shrugged his shoulders.

"I love my parents. And the old dog that lives with them. When I was your age, I thought I loved a girl my own age. But it turned out to be much more mundane than that. I just wanted her. And when I got her, I realized I didn't want her. What about you? Did you love? Or do you love? At your age, it's impossible not to love. It's unnatural, even."

"I don't know," said Toby, and turned the coals with his twig, causing a small sheaf of sparks to fly upward. "There's someone I really like, but I can't say it's love. I don't have anything to compare it to yet."

"Does this man know of your liking for him?" Bjorn asked, watching the guy carefully, whose face in the scarlet glow of the embers seemed very inspired.

"No," Toby smiled slyly and dreamily. "No, he doesn't. I'd die of embarrassment before I'd tell him. He doesn't need to know. He's a normal man, living a bright and interesting life. A bug like me doesn't belong with him."

"Oh, that's too bad," Bjorn yawned and turned the coals, too. "And you call yourself a man. Happiness has to be grabbed by the gills, or it slips away like a fish. Or do you want to sour till your old age? Then you'll regret everything you haven't done, or tried, or failed to do. Believe me... when you grow up, you'll realize that as you get older, your armor gets thicker and your soul gets stale. And you can't get over yourself. But it's up to you. If you want to keep quiet, keep quiet.

"That's where you're wrong," Toby said confidently. "It's better to keep quiet and have a tender feeling in your heart than to say it and die when it's rejected."

"Do you think it's better to watch a dream die?" Bjorn asked, and deftly took the fish off the grill and placed it on a small tin bowl. "Well, as I said before, it's up to you. One dream dies, another is born. And you will continue to live in your fantasies, not knowing the real life. However, there are people who are happier living in illusions. Perhaps you are one of them."

Toby sighed softly.

Herr Dalgaard was right about a lot of things, and that was the only reason the guy wasn't offended by his words.

"Someday I'll get up the courage to live openly." Toby shrugged his shoulders. "But we've touched on a sad subject again. Why don't you tell me about yourself? What were you like at my age? What were your hobbies? What were your dreams? Why did you become what you became?"

Bjorn gave the guy his portion of fish and leaned back against the trunk of the tree he was sitting next to.

"I was very brave, and I was willing to go over the head to get what I wanted. But all my desires turned out to be fake. I got what I wanted and discarded it as unnecessary garbage. And then I realized that for a motivated person, this is quite normal behavior. That is why I feel very comfortable in the sales department, because here the goals change every day, and the summits to be conquered rise higher and higher."

As Bjorn spoke, Toby listened with his mouth ajar. And the man, noticing this, laughed. Then he took a thermos from his backpack and took the lid off it.

"Coffee with brandy," explained Bjorn, pouring the drink into mugs. "Just a little something to warm you up. Take it, don't be afraid. You won't get drunk from such a small amount, except dizzy."

Toby took the mug and put it to his lips. He inhaled deeply the aroma of quality coffee with subtle hints of expensive alcohol and took a small sip.

A pleasant warmth spread first through his esophagus and then through his whole body. Penetrating the blood, a small portion of cognac slowly warmed and pleasantly soothed.

"The endless changing of goals only indicated that you simply have no goal at all," Toby said and smiled, feeling relaxed.

The brandy was loosening his tongue, and the delicious dinner made him feel pleasantly tired and lazy.

"It's like my dreams. It's funny, isn't it? Such different views and such identical life attitudes."

"You're an interesting guy, Toby," said Bjorn thoughtfully. "You're a pleasure to talk to. You have a very mature outlook. That's bad on the one hand. In the sense that you're missing out on all the charm of your younger years. On the other hand... I think I could have a really good friend."

"The charms of the younger years?!" Toby laughed sincerely and gleefully. "Think back to your youth. Everything is forbidden, you live under the pressure of your elders, on whom you are totally dependent, and under the oppression of your own fears. You are afraid of absolutely everything. Because no one wants to explain how life works, and no one supports you. Youth is good when you look back. When it has long and safely passed. And while you're young, there's nothing charming about it."

"You poor, poor child," Bjorn shook his head as he looked at the guy, whose lips were smiling and whose eyes mirrored all the pain of the soul that had accumulated there over the past few years.

He stretched out his hand to Toby in a strange impulse to caress the guy, but Toby flinched, misinterpreting his intentions. This only encouraged Bjorn, though. He was used to getting his way, and this time he wasn't going to back down either.

Bjorn leaned forward and caught Toby by the arms. And then he pulled the guy to him and hugged him tightly, not letting Toby get out of his grasp.

"Sit still," the man asked softly. "I don't bite."

Toby tensed a lot, but when he heard the man's quiet voice, he calmed down and relaxed, letting himself dream a little.

It would have been nice if Herr Dalgaard wasn't hugging him out of pity. But Toby didn't want to deceive himself.

So as he basked in the man's strong arms, he kept reminding himself that this embrace meant nothing.

"Aren't you afraid I'll fall in love with you?" Toby asked ironically. "I might."

"Fall in love," said Bjorn. "I won't reap the rewards of this love. After all, I'll never know about it. And for you, dreaming is like going down a slide*. I don't know how bright a dream I am, but you can try. You might even like it.

He reached for the guy's plate and, holding Toby with one hand to keep him from escaping, invited him to continue eating.

"How generous of you," Toby hummed, and took a bite of the fish into his mouth. "What if I don't limit myself to just daydreaming? What would you do if I suddenly confessed to you? Will you laugh?"

"I'll be confused," Bjorn admitted. "I usually get dragged to bed first, and then try to harness me later. No one's ever done the other way around. Do you want to take the high road, you little rebel?"

"Why not," Toby smiled. "It would be a new experience for both you and me."

The guy was silent, and then he put the plate of fish aside and turned to the man.

"If I ever... if I ever get up the courage, don't make fun of me, okay?" he asked in all seriousness.

"Toby, what are you?.." Bjorn looked into the guy's eyes and saw something in them that made his heart ache.

Despair, hopelessness, arctic cold and fear. So many unexpressed feelings... so many incomprehensible things.

Toby was embarrassed. He twitched shyly, as if he were trying to escape. But Bjorn caught his chin and kissed him on his fish and coffee-scented lips. Short, almost weightless, to soothe... to break the ice in his eyes and wipe the fake smile off his lips.

"I won't laugh," the man promised the guy. "I don't promise I'll fall in love with you, but I won't laugh."

Toby froze in amazement.

The brief kiss left a painful burn on his lips. And there was a real storm brewing in his chest.

His heart thundered, his senses sparked, and the world became a whirlwind of blindingly bright colors.

"Thank you," the guy said almost silently, and his eyes watered with sincere gratitude.

He rested his forehead on the man's shoulder and chuckled nervously.

"Your lips are sweet. And very soft."

"And when did you have time to taste it?" Bjorn said muffled.

His heart was beating a bizarre rhythm. And the arms around the quiet guy were unwilling to unclench.

'What the hell is happening to me?' Bjorn thought, staring at the lake.

The black surface of the lake rippled. The slender silhouettes of the nearly bald trees swayed in the eastward gust of wind. And the new-born moon, shining over the edge of the forest, was hidden behind a gray cloud.

A lone star remained on the darkening canvas of the sky. As bright as Toby's eyes.

Toby was shivering, and Bjorn hugged him tighter.

"Is it cold?" the man asked quietly. "Do you want to go to the tent?"

"Yes. Let's go." Toby agreed.

He did not want to be cheeky and take advantage of the man's kindness. And after the cognac and dinner he was feeling a little drowsy and tired.

Herr Dalgaard nodded and opened his arms, smiling strangely at that. Then he got up to put out the coals and put away the dishes.

Toby went into the tent first and sat down on one of the sleeping bags. And when the man joined him, he quickly lay down, kicking off his sneakers and wrapping himself in a thin cloth.

"It's going to get really cold by dawn," the guy complained. - Too bad we didn't bring a blanket.

"I don't know about you, but I have a heating pad," Bjorn smiled as he stretched out on his sleeping bag.

Toby was beside him.

The guy looked very cute and defenseless, wrapped up in his sleeping bag.

Small, thin, flexible as a cane, he evoked ambivalent feelings in Bjorn. The man longed to caress him, to comfort him, to reassure him that everything would be all right. And he even reached out his hand for the guy, but then he realized in time.

'What the hell are you doing?' Bjorn mentally scolded himself and put his hand behind his head.

"What's the matter with you?" Toby asked sleepily as he heard strange commotion behind him.

"Nothing," the man said quietly. "Nightmares. Sleep."

Nightmares? Toby was surprised, but did not show it. He moved closer to Herr Dalgaard, like a caterpillar, and touched the man's hand.

"The nightmares will go away," the guy promised. "If they see you are not alone, they will leave. Nightmares don't like company. And being alone is like a welcome sign to them. Get some rest. Nightmares won't bother you tonight."

"Nightmares happen in real life," Bjorn answered quietly.

The guy's fingers trembled faintly, and the man wanted to warm them. To bring them to his lips, to burn with his breath, to kiss the tips. To find out if there was such a big difference between loving a woman and loving a man.

But the guy's measured breathing cooled his ardor.

Toby was still so inexperienced. It would be dishonorable to try something on him that might not be to his liking.

'Maybe go to some brothel and get yourself a guy for the night?' for some reason, the thought made Bjorn sick and he sighed heavily.

No, some guy won't do. And playing with Toby's feelings is dishonest. The guy's soul was too vulnerable to be hurt by his foolish actions.

It's better to forget the crazy idea and move on as if nothing had happened.

Notes:

* like going down a slide – it's means easy and uncomplicated action.