TW: violence

Kabanata 37

I remember why I retained my hairstyle. Some find it childish that I still braid my hair even if I'm almost an adult. Pero hindi ko sila pinapansin; I still braid my hair because this was the only thing my Mom taught me. Siya ang nagturo sa akin kung paano mag-tirintas.

I want her to know that I still remember the way she taught me how to twist and style my hair. I want her to know that I appreciate her small gesture of love.

"Congrats, Philo!" Paulene hugged me, her cheeks clashing onto mine. Niyakap ko rin siya pabalik. She's smaller than me, pero mas malakas ang boses niya at mas matapang siyang tingnan kumpara sa akin.

"Paulene! May picture taking pa tayo kasama si Sir Castro!" Zafirah shouted from afar, she took a quick look at me before providing a small smile. Lumapit siya sa'min.

I returned her gesture. She always look like she's already a professional. Palaging malinis tingnan kahit na hanggang balikat na lamang ang buhok niya ngayon. She used to always have a high ponytail.

"Sige na, Pau. Mamaya na lang po..." I uttered incoherently as she was pulled away by Zafirah to the side of the ABM graduates.

Graduation na namin. I stole a glimpse of the lane of the STEM strand. Nakita ko si Iscalade na naka-toga rin at kausap ang kaibigan niya. He looks good. Gorgeous even. Nagpagupit 'yata siya kaya lalong nadepina ang kan'yang gwapong mukha. My cheeks flushed as I lower down my gaze.

It isn't his fault that we're far apart from each other. He did try to reconnect with me plenty of times; ako lang ang pilit na umiiwas. He even sent me messages through my social media accounts, kahit sa mismong email ko ay nag-send siya. He was apologizing but I ignored it all even if I wanted to reply to him.

I don't even know why he's saying sorry. Pakiramdam ko wala naman akong karapatan masaktan. I don't wanna imposed this pain to them. All the suffering should only be directed to me because I was the one who initiated a confession that is already long overdue.

I don't want Naiara to have the wrong idea. I respect the both of them as much as how Naiara showed respect and kindness towards me.

It's just unfair that I can still feel my heart throbbing for his mere existence. The way he doesn't even try but he can occupy every nook of my mind. Agad na binawi ko ang aking tingin sa kan'ya nang bigla siyang lumingon sa direksyon ko. My heart almost leaped out of my chest. I should probably stop it now. More or less, Naiara's going to be his girlfriend soon.

"Philo," his honeyed voice called over. My entire body froze and I immediately gulped. When I turned around, he was holding a bonquet of daisies.

"Congrats," tipid niyang ngiti. "Nasaan sina Tita?"

"She's coming..." I replied briefly, trying to calm my racing heart. Naiiyak na naman ako. "Baka ma-late lang p-po..."

I accepted the flowers and felt his warmth touch. The side of my eyes are starting produce tears. Pinigilan ko lang ito sa pamamagitan ng pagkagat sa aking ibabang labi, I repressed the longing I had for him.

"N-naiara's coming po ba?" halos inubos ko ang natitirang kapal ng mukha para sa tanong na 'yon.

"Hindi naman natin siya school mate, Philo..." Iscalade answered, vaguely. Kumurap-kurap pa siya bago magtiim bagang.

"You know, to congratulate you..." my eyes landed on the daisies, it was evident that it was freshly picked. I hate how he knows everything about me. And I hate how it still affects me just the same. I hate how my heart feels being twisted in total affliction because of it.

"Pwede naman sa messenger na lang," he shrugged off. Sandali siyang tumahimik bago tumikhim. "I need to go, Philo. Congrats ulit."

His steps moved slowly away from me. Rinig na rinig ko ang bawat hakbang niya papalayo. Gusto ko siyang pigilan. I want to tell him that I miss him. That I'm willing to be his best friend again. That I could be contented with just...

My heart hammered against my chest. Tears are pooling in my eyelids, pinahid ko ito. I can't, I'm not just his best friend. And the realization dawned to me that I'll never be just that.

Regrets. What I feel now are only regrets. Longing for something that is already far from my reach and unobtainable. I can't help but cover myself with rancor. The hatred I have for myself is starting to manifest.

If only I didn't act like a coward. If only I took chances. If only I believe in Iscalade and put faith in him. I'm not a fatalistic person but I don't even have a strong faith in anything, then where do I belong?

I don't wanna regret anything anymore.

I don't want to regret something that would bring me more catastrophe.

Iscalade was enough. He was enough to make me realize that I cannot always caged myself with the idea that I'm not free to do what I want to do.

I only want to regret something beautiful; something worth remembering.

"Education?" the side of Kile's lip lifted in amusement. "Pumayag mga magulang mo?"

He helped me when it comes to enrolling to a new school. Hindi ko kakayanin na pareho pa rin kami ng school ni Iscalade. Even if I wanted to be happy for him, I simply can't see him being with someone else — for now. The wounds in my heart are still fresh and I'm still hurting. Yet, I would love to see him loving someone who can reciprocate his intense love.

And I wished I was that person but, pinigilan ko ang namumuong paninibugho sa aking puso ko.

"They don't know..." I bit my lower lip and released it, trying to divert my attention. "I'll tell them when I'm already enrolled..."

Wala naman na silang magagawa. I also choose a state university, para kung may babayaran man ay kakayanin kong bayaran gamit ng sarili kong pera. I have my own bank account and the money is from my deceased grandparents. Pamana na 'yon sa akin, I'm sure it will be enough to at least provide for the next four years in college.

"So Kile and you are together?" Mommy inquired, ang mata ay halos kuminang dahil nakita niyang hinatid ako ni Kile.

Kile never forced the topic of him liking me. Hindi na nga niya ito halos binabanggit. He also never made it feel awkward between us. Madalas ay tinutukso niya pa ako kay Iscalade. And I appreciate his company. Kahit papaano ay nawawala ang pagkalungkot ko dahil wala si Iscalade sa aking tabi.

"Hindi po, but we're friends na po 'yata..." I mumbled, patuloy lang ako sa paghalo ng mixture para sa waffles na ginagawa ko.

"You should date him, Philo. Balita ko ay paboritong anak siya ni Senator Conjuanco, probably because he's the legitimate one." Mommy chuckled, full of mockery. I winced while mixing the batter. There's nothing funny about it.

"Your Dad also likes him!" Mommy gushed, even holding me on my arm. "And you'll take Pol Sci soon, gusto mo ba sa school na rin niya? Have you fixed your school papers? Or should I let my assistant do that for you?"

Nahihiya akong umiling, I decided to drift from her side and continued what I was doing. Matapos ko maluto ang waffles ay dinala ko ito sa hapagkainan kung nasaan nagkukumpulan ang mga amiga niya.

Tita Juana shot me a quick look before looking back at her tea. Among my Mom's friends, she's the one who exudes independency. As far as I know, she doesn't have a daughter or a husband. She lives on her own.

"I can't wait to meet Senator Conjuanco as my balae!" My Mommy announced, smugly. Hindi naman ako makapag-salita. I can't see myself being with someone else but him. My heart is being constricted by immense pain.

"Priscilla, you have to chill down." Tita Juana shrugged off, binaba ang kopita ng tsaa na hawak niya. "Philomena doesn't have to marry any guy for her to strive. Kaloka ka."

"Juana, I'm just securing my daugther's future. Hindi ka naman kasi ina para malaman kung gaano kahirap mag-desisyon para sa mga anak mo," giit ni Mommy. Puno ng panguuyam ang tono.

It made Tita Juana's eyebrows furrowed. Agad siyang tumawa pero pilit itong iniimpit. She even covered her mouth. Napalingon sa kan'ya si Tita Kiara at Tita Harlena, both are intrigued with the forming hostility.

"Priscilla, a man wouldn't secure a woman's future. For someone who had to fight her parents for her freedom, you sure have the guts to do the same to your own daughter." Tita Juana smirked, sarkastikong tumingin sa gawi ni Mommy.

"Believe me, Juana. I know what's best for her. Tingnan mo ako? I may have fought before with my parents but I realized that what they did only made me more striving." Mommy fired back. Lalo lamang natawa si Tita Juana.

"Are you happy though?" Tita Juana lifted an eyebrow. "And you think it will still work? Kung noon nga pilit mo itong nilabanan, tapos gagawin mo rin pala sa anak mo?"

My Mom kept her mum. Bigla siyang natigalgal at halos mamula sa sobrang galit, the veins on her neck are becoming visible. I kept blinking because I don't know what to do once a fight emerged. Lalo pa't mukhang natutuwa lang si Tita Juana sa inaakto ni Mommy.

"Juana, shut up. Just because Julius left you and you pursued your mediocre dream doesn't mean you can tarnished me and how I want my daughter to live her life!" Mommy hollered, she even stood up.

"Hindi man ako naging Mrs, I'm pretty much sure that the Dr on my name suits me just fine," kalmadong sagot ni Tita Juana. She even raised her teacup and sipped on it.

I don't know the reason why Mommy had to brought it up. That was offensive to Tita Juana's part, to bring up someone's past in order for them to feel embarrassed about themselves is a pretty low blow.

"How would you even know? Wala ka namang anak? Hindi mo alam ang sakripisyo ng isang magulang para sa anak niya!" sumbat ni Mommy kay Tita Juana. Tita Juana looked at her, feigning innocence.

"Magulang ka nga ba?" Tita Juana smiles, deridingly. "I've been keeping this for years, Priscilla. Kaibigan ko kayo, pero ni isa sa inyo ay hindi man lang naging deserving para maging magulang."

"Excuse me?! Arlene is successful because of me! Sino ka para sabihin 'yan?" padabog na binaba ni Tita Harlena ang kan'yang kopita. It made me trembled because her huge voice echoed through every corner of the room.

"Your daughter is successful because of herself. Who are you to take full credits of her own hardwork?" Tita Juana scoffed. "I never regretted that I didn't had any children. Sa kinahantungan niyo pa lang, thank God I didn't dragged any child to suffer because of my own selfish desires!"

"Sabihin mo na lang, inggit ka! Wala kang asawa! Wala kang anak! Walang magaalaga sa 'yo pag matanda ka na! At higit sa lahat, no one will follow your footsteps! You are alone in this world, Juana!" Tita Harlena yelled, veins protruding. Halos hablutin niya si Tita Juana pero pinipigilan siya ni Tita Kiara.

The fight is making me feel uneasy, even the helpers in the kitchen is being alarmed with the scandalous roars from the dining table.

"A cycle only ends when someone stops repeating the same process. Kung hindi niyo nagustuhan ang pagpapalaki sa inyo, bakit niyo uulitin sa mga anak niyo?" Tita Juana argued, still posessing a calm tone.

"Juana, hindi ka kasi ina. You wouldn't understand..." Tita Kiara sighed.

"Pero naging anak ako, Kiara." Tita Juana disagreed, shaking her head. "And if you were my parents? Matagal na akong naglayas."

The fight didn't stopped there, I even covered my ears because of the endless shouting from both sides. Natigil lang ito nang tuluyan na nilang paalisin si Tita Juana, who in my perspective, gracefully walked out from the situation. Siya lang 'yata ang hindi nainis sa kanilang apat.

I figured that her words won't make any impact towards my life. Hindi ko alam na ito pala ang magiging susi sa lahat ng kaduwagan ko sa buhay ko. It would be the only living hope that I'll held on.

"Darling! Stop!" pigil ni Mommy sa nagpupuyos na galit ni Daddy. He was throwing vases and anything that stands in his way. Palapit siya nang palapit sa akin. My insides are churning, pakiramdam ko ay para akong hinahabol pero hindi ako makatakbo.

I was shaking vigorously. My eyes steadily fixed on the broken objects as I heard the crashing sounds. Nangingiyak ako habang patuloy na kinakagat ang aking daliri, to make myself feel calm. To make things make sense to me.

Hindi ko naman kasi inaasahan na mabilis ang pagdating ng balita na natanggap ako sa State University kung saan ako nag-apply. Some of the private Universities I also went to sent me their replies in which I passed and all I had to do is sent them my requirements. Nabasa ito ni Daddy dahil ang ilan ay nagpadala pa mismo ng sulat sa bahay namin.

"Philomena Gracia! Wala kang utang na loob!" he growled at me and when he found the chance, he immediately held my face. Halos panggigilan niya ito.

Tuluyan na akong umiyak. The way his fingers dugged on my cheeks already broke my fragile heart.

"Tang ina naman! Ano bang hindi mo maintindihan sa maga-abogado ka?! Sino ka ba sa tingin mo?! Saan ka kumuha ng lakas ng loob na umiba ng landas?!" bulyaw niya sa mukha ko. "Sa tingin mo ba karapat-dapat kang maging Valderama kung hanggang diyan lang ang magiging pangarap mo?!"

"M-marangal naman p-po ang pagiging guro..." my voice trembled. Kitang-kita ko ang silakbo ng kan'yang galit sa kan'yang mga mata. His wrath only worsen because now he's even pushing his fingers further on my cheeks. Halos magkamark na ito.

"Sabi ko na nga ba! Dapat pina-abort ka na lang! Sabi ko naman kasi sa 'yo, Priscilla! Kung babae lang din ang magiging anak natin, huwag na lang! Mahihina kayo! Hindi niyo kakayanin ang mundo namin! Tang ina talaga!" he seethed, gritting his teeth in frustration.

Dapat...pina-abort na lang ako.

My system broke down, my mind went in a haze, the last remaining hope I had in my heart vanished, and I feel like I just wanted it to be true.

I smiled at him sadly. Sana nga po, pina-abort niyo na lang po ako.

Tears kept on trailing down my cheeks even without my permission. Pinakawalan niya na ang aking mga pisngi. Nanghihina akong napaupo habang patuloy na umiiyak.

"Palitan mo 'yung nilagay mo sa mga forms! I won't pay your tuition and your living fees if you won't pursue law!" angil niya sa akin. He even pointed his forefinger at me accusingly.

"N-no," I shook my head. "Hindi ko po 'yon babaguhin."

"Sumasagot ka pa!" hinila niya ako patayo. "Ulitin mo 'yon! Sige, ulitin mo!"

"Hindi ko 'yon babaguhin! Kasi pangarap ko 'yon!" I shouted, even if my voice broke. "D-dad, pangarap ko po 'yon..."

It made me feel numbed when he suddenly lifted his hand in the air. Paulit-ulit niya akong sinampal hanggang sa tuluyan na lang akong natulala. Bawat lapat ng kan'yang palad sa aking pisngi ay parang karayom sa aking puso. He didn't stop there, he even pulled my hair as the only sound I can hear is his palm colliding with my cheeks.

"Philo!" Mommy cried out. I looked at her, still having a tiny portion of hope.

Please help me, Mommy...

"B-bakit ka ba kasi sumasagot pabalik?" My Mommy spat out, looking at me with pity but no remorse.

It lasted for an hour. Patuloy ang litanya niya sa akin, he decided to get my phone, my wallet and everything from me. Kinulong din nila ako sa aking kwarto.

I embraced my knees as I feel my cheeks stinging because of pain. Napatingin ako sa bintana, it reflected my bloated face with purplish cheeks.

I continued crying while covering myself using my knees. Sana pina-abort na lang ako. Sana di na lang ako binuhay. Sana kasi hindi na lang sila nagka-anak.

I looked at the window, may puwang doon na pwede ako tumalon. I didn't hesitate to grab some money I decided to use as bookmarks to a few books I had. Mabuti na lamang at kahit papaano ay ginawa ko ito.

I jumped from the second floor. Kahit halos tumalbog-talbog ang puso ko sa kaba, mas gugustuhin ko na lang makaalis sa bahay na ito.

This is only a shelter but never my home. Pumunta ako sa garahe kahit medyo iika-ika. My legs were wobbling from jumping. Kinuha ko ang bike ko at patagong umalis, dumaan ako sa likod ng aming bahay para walang makapansin.

I didn't know where to go. I didn't have a concrete plan. Ang tanging alam ko ay gusto kong umalis doon. Gusto ko maging malaya sa matagal kong pinulupot na tanikala sa aking sarili.

Tumigil ako sa isang lilim ng matayog na puno. My feet were already tired, I was exhausted too. Patuloy lang ako sa pag-iyak. My money won't last for a week. Moreso, it would probably last only for a few days. Hindi ko pa alam kung saan ako pwede manatili...

Ilang oras akong nakasandal sa puno, pilit na pinipikit ang mga mata. My cheeks are still hurting and I can already feel the aftermath. I was sheltered all my life and this was the first time my Dad got extremely angry; this was the first time he became violent towards me.

Dapat ba sinunod ko na lang siya? But what about me? Bakit parang palaging feelings na lang nila ang iniintindi ko? Hindi ba ako tao sa paningin nila?

A van stopped by and it made me terrified. Isang black na van kung saan biglang bumukas ang pintuan. My heart almost jumped out from its ribcage. Napapitlag ako dahil kadalasan ganito raw ang mga nangunguha ng mga bata.

A girl, wearing a black coat and black slacks, trudged towards me. She came from the van. Napatingin ako sa kan'ya, she had pearl earrings and her aura screams elite. Hindi naman siya mukhang kidnapper.

She bent down her knees and examined my face. Her small hands gently check my cheeks, napapikit pa ako dahil natatandaan ko kung paano lumipad ang palad ni Daddy sa aking pisngi.

"Gusto mo sumama sa akin?" her voice softened. Parang hindi bagay sa aura niya. She looked too intense, her entire presence is intimidating.

"O-okay na po ako," I looked at her hesitatingly. She's a stranger and I can't trust her that easily.

She sighed. Inabot niya sa akin ang kan'yang cellphone. My mouth slightly agape, her phone is from EIJE inc. Isa sa mga tinitingalang kompanya ngayon sa bansa.

"Call someone, sabihin mo kasama mo si Solstice Lavender Reverio." She stated, sounding frosty. Nanginginig kong inabot ang phone niya.

I immediately dialled Paulene's number but realized that my Mom and Dad might found my whereabouts. Alam naman nila kung sinu-sino lang ang mga kaibigan ko.

I shook my head and gave her phone back. Agad siyang nagtaas ng kilay sa akin.

No.

I won't go back there, ever.

Sumama ako sa kan'ya. She even provided an ice bag for my cheeks. Patuloy lang ang tingin ko sa kan'ya habang nakalagay ang ice bag sa aking mga pisngi.

"Sa mansion po ba, Ma'am Solstice?" tanong ng kan'yang driver.

Solstice shook her head. Halata sa kan'ya na mas bata siya sa akin pero kung umakto siya parang mas matanda pa siya sa driver ngayon. She looked really scary with her eyes being extremely cold.

"Sa mga Javier na lang," she politely said. "Hindi naman ako hahanapin sa mansion. Adren is also probably not there, may kasama siguro siyang gago ngayon."

Tumuloy kami sa isang malaking bahay. My hands felt cold, nakaramdam ako ng nerbyos nang tuluyan na akong makapasok. The house was neat and it had a few spanish touches. Sa mga plato na naka-display at mga figurines ay halatang marangya ang pamilya na nakatira rito.

"Si Katryna?" pabalang na tanong ni Solstice sa babaing nagbabasa ng dyaryo sa sala. The woman decided to look at us and her expression registered shock upon seeing me.

Si Tita Juana.

I was also surprised to see her. Kahit kailan ay hindi pa ako nakakapunta sa kan'yang bahay. Ngayon pa lang 'yata.

"Outing. May party kasi ang mga blockmates nila. Kanina ko lang din nalaman..." Tita Juana trailed off. Binalik ang tingin sa akin.

"Philomena, what happened to your cheeks?" she asked, concern on her face.

"Binugbog 'yata. Nagmukha na siyang talong." Solstice snorted, coldly. "Kilala mo ba siya?"

"Anak ng kaibigan ko..." Tita Juana answered. "Who did that to you?"

"Do you have an abusive boyfriend?" malamig na kuro ni Solstice. "Anong address?"

"No p-po," I shook my head. "Hihilom din n-naman po ito..."

Her brows furrowed. Agad naman itong bumalik sa normal at bumuntong hininga siya.

"Alam mo ang bait mo..." she caressed my face, it made me winced. Her hands are cold too. "Ako kasi hindi e. Hindi ako makatutulog nang hindi rin nagiging tortang talong 'yung gumawa sa 'yo niyan..."

"Lavender, you're scaring her..." Tita Juana laughed. "Pero pakiramdam ko 'yung tatay niya. It's just a hunch though."

"Can you check on her?" Solstice prompted. "Baka lalong mamaga kasi ang pisngi niya."

"Alam ba ng magulang mo na nandito ka ngayon?" Tita Juana asked me. Agad akong umiling, halos nagsusumamo na huwag sana niyang isumbong.

"Don't worry, it's your choice so I won't interfer. Deserve naman magalala ni Priscilla." She chortled. "Gaga 'yon, ni-remove pa ako sa groupchat namin! Pakialam ko sa kanila!"

"Yikes, wala na siyang friends. Kawawa naman." Solstice snickered at Tita Juana who only frowned at her.

"Mas yikes ka, akala ko ba galit ka kay Eti—" Tita Juana stopped when Solstice glared at her. "What? Gamit mo pa nga ang cellphone na ginawa niya para sa' yo!"

Solstice rolled her eyes. Nagawa pa niyang pumalatak.

Pinatuloy nila ako sa isang kwarto sa pangalawang palapag. The room was tidy and it made me feel comfortable. My heart calmed down knowing that it is Tita Juana who owns this house along with her niece. Kahit papaano ay mabait pa rin talaga sa akin ang mundo. He didn't let me wander around alone in the dark. Napatingin ako sa salamin, namamaga pa rin ang mga pisngi ko. I gently caressed it.

I wanna be free now.

From now on, I'll pursue it.

I'm finally pursuing my freedom.

❛ ━━━━━━･❪ ❁ ❫ ･━━━━━━ ❜