TW For profanity, emotional and mental abuse, and toxic relationships. /Gaslighting, projecting, etc.
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Ok y'know what.

I'm done.
I'm absolutely done with this shit.

This is the THIRD time you have decided to send me some long ass message out of nowhere projecting your issues onto me and making them MY fault. I have been nothing but supportive of you. I have forced myself out of bed an HOUR earlier than I had too to get ready to take your ass to the gym, all because I cared enough about you to help you lose the weight you hated so much, the weight that was making it hard for you to live a healthy life- because I cared enough about you to want to help you be healthy and happy. I have encouraged you at every turn, and checked in on you, and told you I was proud of you countless times. I even prioritized the tattoo that we were meant to get together to match over the one that was meant to not only memorialize two of my grandparents, but also cover the scars from my own self harm and serve as a reminder to me. But I'm 'toxic'.

I have stayed up at all hours of the night to talk you out of killing yourself, even after you told me you would be fine, because I care about you too much to take the risk that you weren't. I made you PROMISE you'd still be here in the morning, because I know how much promises mean to you and I HAD to be sure you were safe. I have repeatedly messaged you to get you to talk to me when I was concerned about you, because you refused to come to me. I have 'chased' you to make sure you were ok. I have dropped whatever I was doing the SECOND I noticed something was up so I could talk to you and make sure you were ok. I have been on edge for I don't even know how long, watching what you post to make sure there's no signs that you need help. I've felt like a fucking stalker with how much I checked your social media to keep tabs on your emotional and mental state, because that was the only damn way I would ever know you were in trouble since you refused to tell me SHIT. Every time your tumblr started showing dark and depressing posts, every time you left the group chats without warning, I was there trying to get you to talk to me about whatever it was that was bothering or upsetting you. But I'm 'toxic'.

I helped you and encouraged you when you were discovering your sexuality and identity, struggling with your fears and doubts about all of that. I tried my best to answer all of your questions even when I was exhausted- physically, mentally, and emotionally- , because I knew firsthand how confused you were and how much it helped you to have someone to explain things to you. I encouraged you to ask questions. I trusted you enough to answer some very intimate, personal questions. But I'm 'toxic'.

It seems lately that you only ever text first when you need something(advice, comfort, etc) or to come at me with this absolute horseshit of yours. You never text to ask how I am, or to tell me a funny story you thought I would like, or even just send me a random ass meme that you made you think of me. You KNOW I'm shit at texting first, but I have gone OUT OF MY WAY to try and keep in touch with you. I have regularly messaged you, despite being exhausted from my own schedule, just to ask how you were doing because I know you've been stressed with college and all the other shit you've been dealing with. I made it a POINT to at least send you a snap every day to let you know I was there. But I'm 'toxic'.

You constantly bring up old shit, and shit that doesn't even have anything to do with you. You accuse me of disregarding your feelings? Bitch, where? I have listened to you rant, and I have acknowledged how you feel and put MY OWN FEELINGS aside for the sake of making you feel better. I have gone so far as to take ALL of the blame onto myself- just to keep you from feeling bad. All because I was afraid of you getting back into your depression- even though I have severe depression myself, and risked sending myself spiraling back into that fucking hellhole. The few times I felt differently about a situation than you did, *I* was the one getting told that I was wrong, and *I* was the one argued with until I agreed with you or stopped talking all together. You refuse to listen to what I have to say if it conflicts with what you believe. You refuse to even let me SAY anything that you know will conflict. You refuse to look at facts when I offer them with an open hand, and you divert the conversation when I try to talk to you about an issue. You refuse to take anyone's side of the story unless it benefits you, and you don't even just TAKE the side, you ACTIVELY AND AGGRESSIVELY DEFEND THAT SIDE WHILE REFUSING ANY INFORMATION FROM THE OTHER. You ignore every single fact that goes against the side you've chosen, but I'M the one who doesn't listen to YOU? And this whole damn time I have been letting it go and quietly agreeing to disagree with you because I hate fighting with you. But I'm 'toxic.'

You message me out of the blue saying things you KNOW will upset me, and then act surprised and hurt when I respond accordingly, essentially saying 'you being upset is harsh and toxic and if you keep getting upset about these things you have every right to be upset about I'm gonna stop talking to you.' If I even slightly disagree with you, you pull the 'I don't want to argue with you because I don't want you to be mad at me' card to get me to stop talking about it so you don't have to listen to my thoughts, but if you disagree with ME and I were to pull that same card, or even just say 'agree to disagree', I'm suddenly 'not listening to you', 'disregarding your feelings', and 'toxic'.

As for the situation with your brother, you have already stated that it's 'not your battle to fight', yet you keep. Fighting it. Stop fighting a battle that 'isn't yours to fight.' You can't step into a fight and then the second things start looking bad for YOU decide 'oh actually I don't belong in this fight'. And then still try to fight safely from the sidelines. That's not how this works.

What your brother did to my sibling is something I don't see myself ever forgiving. Not at this point. But you don't know what he did to them, do you? You refuse to listen to anything I have to say on the matter. I'VE seen the messages. Have you? And if you do know? If you HAVE seen the messages? Then that makes you even more a bitch than I thought. You can say it's 'not your  battle' all you want, but I will never deny that it IS mine. Because I stand by my loved ones. But, I digress. You won't listen anyway.

I'm honestly starting to believe that all the shit you told me about [redacted] was a lie. You never showed me any solid evidence of the things you say she did, claiming you 'deleted it all.' Convenient. I took your word for it all because you were my friend, and I cared about you enough to believe you without question. I went up against her MYSELF to get her to stop talking to you, because you claimed she was 'harassing you'. But honestly, looking back, all she ever seemed to be doing was trying to make sure you were ok. And now you are doing the EXACT SAME THINGS that you told me SHE was doing. So I'm finding it hard to believe that [redacted] said any of those nasty things, or was the one at fault in the first place. After what you put me through, I'm starting to believe that SHE was the victim the whole damn time.

You preach at me about forgiveness but continue to repeatedly bring up things which I have already apologized for(things that you still, to this day, have not.). You act like you know what's going on with me 'because of how I act'. You act like it's your place to tell me how to live my life, like you have a front row seat to what goes on in MY head. I don't owe you or ANYONE ELSE an explanation for the way I handle my issues with OTHER PEOPLE. It doesn't involve you, it's not your business, so stop acting like it's your personal responsibility to 'fix' me or my relationships with OTHER PEOPLE.

I have never claimed to be perfect. I know I have my flaws, and I know I have a lot to work on as a person. I'm brash, I have a temper, I'm not always the best at reading the room. My autism causes me a lot of issues when it comes to dealing with people and relationships. But I KNOW when something is my fault, and I TRY to fix it the best that I can. And I have admitted to, and apologized for, my part in every disagreement or argument we have had in the past two years or so that I can think of, and if there's any from before that or that I'm missing, I apologize for my part in those now. But there have been several times that you have not apologized for yours, at least not without guilt tripping me in the process. You maintain your stance of complete innocence, even when I have given you solid proof that you, too, were in the wrong. You expect me to apologize when I 'hurt you' unintentionally,  but refuse to do the same for me. It's always 'I'm sorry you feel that way' or 'I'm sorry you took it that way' which is BULLSHIT and you know it. You don't apologize without making it my fault that you need to apologize. But I'M 'toxic'.

I'm only 'toxic' because you don't need me anymore. I'm only 'toxic' because you don't have to worry about seeing me every day at work. I'm only 'toxic' because I finally see the kind of person you really are. I'm only 'toxic' because you think it won't have any lasting repercussions on your day to day life to falsely label me as such. I'm only 'toxic' because I'm finally done taking all of your bullshit, and finally standing up for myself against you, and you know I'm stronger than you in every way. You can't control me anymore, and that scares. You. Shitless.

I am done standing by and letting you walk all over me under the guise of 'standing up for yourself'. I have allowed you to demonize and gaslight and project onto me for far too long. I'm not going to apologize for my feelings anymore, just so you can feel better about yourself. I have let this happen in the hopes that you were just on a pendulum swing, learning how to stand up for yourself after years of silently suffering, and were simply going too far due to inexperience. That it would balance out soon enough and it would make you stronger and more able to speak up for yourself in the end. But if that's the case, you're taking your sweet old time coming down from that swing. And I can't stick around to wait and see if I'm right, while my mental and emotional health falls apart because of it. I have TRIED to quietly help you figure this out and I have TRIED to get you to realize what you're doing, but you refuse my efforts. I have CONTINUALLY MADE EXCUSES FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR, to both myself and those who have already told me that I needed to cut you off. But I can't do it anymore. This 'friendship' has run it's course, and I'm sad that it had to end on such a sour note. Maybe once you grow up and understand what you're doing, we can try again. But I'm done clinging to the few good things we may have had once upon a time.

You have hurt me far beyond words can describe. I sincerely, honestly wish from the bottom of my fucking heart that it didn't have to turn out like this. I wish I could turn back the clock to find out where it all went wrong. There is so much that I would give to try and fix this friendship that I have cherished so much for all these years. It kills me to have to break things off, to throw out the friendship we've built. I have not stopped crying since I started this message, and I don't think I will for a while. I can only hope and pray that one day you'll see what you're doing, and we can try again. Start fresh, if we have to. I have fought so hard not to lose you like I've lost so many others in my life, but I guess fighting for something you love only works if they love you back.

And no, I'm not stating everything I've done for you to brag, or try to say you owe me anything, and you know it. So don't even try that shit. I'm citing it as an argument against your 'toxic' accusations. I'm stating this ON THE RECORD.

First [redacted]. Now me. How many people were before her? And how many more are you going to add to this list before you realize that there's no one left? How many more stabs in the back can that knife of yours take before it finally breaks?

But unlike [redacted], I'm not going to keep tabs on you. I'm not going to check in on you. It's time for ME to let this toxic relationship go. Because it IS toxic. On YOUR end.

Gaslighting is toxic. Projecting your problems onto me and making then MY fault is toxic. Guilting me into agreeing with you because you're 'emotionally vulnerable' and you know I don't want to risk pushing you away or pushing you back into your depression is toxic. Using passive aggressive-ness to 'win' a disagreement, especially about important things. Is. Toxic.

Not to mention that you piling your emotional baggage on me when I already have so much of my own is extremely detrimental to my already severely damaged mental and emotional health. Whether you realized that or not is a different story, but regardless of that, it is still something I cannot deal with any longer.

Thank you for preemptively stepping down from your position as bridesmaid. Your replacement has already been notified. Thank you for all of the help you gave me in planning, but I will not be needing any more. And thanks for cutting down the guest list just that little bit more.

I hope you learn from this, and I especially hope it's before you push any more of your 'friends' away.

And just so you know, I am going to be saving screenshots, and multiple people have already seen all of the things you've said over text. Unfortunately things said in person are irretrievable, but that's fine. I'm letting you know all of this just in case you're tempted to do what you did with [redacted] again. Turn whoever you want against me. I know the truth. And so do you. And so will they.

Have a nice life. I hope you find what you're looking for. It's not my fucking job to find it for you.