I got my first kiss when I was 12 years old. 

I don't think it was intentional. I mean it was, but it was just something that happened, not a well-thought-out plan. My best friend, Sophie, was over and we were in the barn brushing down Griffin, the speckled pony I got for my 10th birthday (all names have been changed to protect the guilty). She asked me if I ever kissed anyone before. She hadn't either.

My family kissed on the mouth. No, it wasn't creepy, it was just a peck on the lips and a lot of people do it. Since moving to the US I've been told that it's gross, like some perverse form of incest. Get your head out of your ass and deal with it. I'd kissed my friend in that same way, so it's not like any of us were strangers to lip contact.

But I knew what she meant. Friends at school had talked about it like it was a daily ritual in their lives (we found out later that Misty and Tabitha were both full of shit) and my poor bestie thought we had missed out on something important. Something definitive. I was oblivious, impulsive, and kind of mentally deficient in a dumb blonde sort of way, so I said why not.

Fireworks. Goddamn fireworks.

I spent months thinking we were officially going out, even though that was the first and last time we kissed like that. It turns out being besties isn't that much different than having a girlfriend if sex isn't a consideration. But I didn't talk about it until more than half a year later when everything else in my life was slowly going to shit. When I did, she didn't take it well. She still called me and stuff, but I scared her off and we weren't nearly as close after that.

I'm not sure which came first, the snog that woke something inside or a general lack of interest in dudes. I mean I was barely a teenager, and those problems aren't supposed to be part of the mental framework until you're reasonably close to adulthood. Your brain isn't even fully developed at that age. I still wonder if that moment changed me and if it was a huge mistake.

Don't give me shit about that, I'm not jumping on the LGBT+ bandwagon no matter how hard you pressure me because I'm not defined by who gets to see me naked. I tried the community thing and to be perfectly honest, it's nothing but toxic groupthink among the rank and file, and a power grab for those bold enough to seek it. There are many reasons why I feel the way I do... maybe I'll cover them in here at some point.

Sorry if that pisses you off. I warned you from the start that I'd probably offend you. This is my space. No filters.

Anyway, Sophie and I slowly lost touch, then completely unrelated problems began to ramp up in my family. Don't ask for details because that's a secret I can't share. In the end I left without saying goodbye. I still miss her. I don't think she was my first love or anything so dramatic, but crushing that hard when you're not mentally or emotionally equipped to process it leaves scars, and more when it costs you your best friend. I sometimes feel kind of stupid that a relatively minor event that happened years ago had such an impact on who I am today.

I've had relationships since then, mostly to remind me that I'm not good at learning from my mistakes, and today I'm single and celibate until I reconcile the person on the inside with the one I see in the mirror. 

Don't assume you can divine anything about me from this chapter except what it offers at face value. I'm not saying it's right, or that I'm right, or that my experience is a roadmap or an example that anyone else can learn from. I don't want to be responsible for the decisions you make or how you feel about them. Except maybe this: question your decisions before you make them. One thing I learned from behind the pastel door is that a lot of gay and trans are merely bi-curious people (some not even that) whose enthusiasm (and peer group) took them a step or two too far. People end up in bad places when they try to claim an identity just for props.

Whether you're a queer-aligned flag-waver or a stoic hetero, if you believe in love at first sight or contend that it's something you have to grow into, understand that I'm not taking sides. I'm just a flawed girl in a flawed world trying to find her way home.