I'm a basket case but I'm not vindictive. I don't hurt people for no reason, and I don't withhold my attention or affection just because I'm pissed. But like everyone I have limits. I have rules. You don't twist my words, you don't treat me like I'm less than you, you don't belittle my experiences or the things I care about, and you don't attack the people I love. No topic is off limits, but I expect at least an attempt at respectful discourse. If those rules aren't unreasonable, I'll be friends with just about anyone.

I'm writing because of something that happened today but this isn't about what happened. Not explicitly at least. A person shared that something with me but this isn't about them. It's about me.

I spent the morning picking up stuff from a local farm - milk, eggs, butter - and the afternoon at an orchard selecting pumpkins for the season and picking apples. I spent that time with some of the best people I know, one of the few times I've had them all together. It was a good day in general, but it could have been better. I carried a weight I wished I didn't have. Not too long ago I'd have tossed it to the side and forgotten about it, but I like to think I'm a different sort of person now.

I've been through some shit. I've implied some of it in here, but I don't want my past to be who I am. I have to acknowledge it, I have to face the reality of it, but right now and the future in front of me is where I need to live if I'm ever going to be the kind of person I hope I can be. I've been displaced several times, but I have a stable home. I've been a criminal, but I've made amends. I've hurt people - sometimes on purpose - but I've learned compassion. I've made mistakes... well, I keep making those.

I've been accused of using my past as a crutch or playing it as a card to gain traction, but that's never been true. I don't even count it as trauma because I strongly believe the trauma card is overplayed. Stuff happens, you deal with it. That's life. I've learned to dismiss attempts to play a Reverse UNO card when it does come up, to turn it around on me as though I'm far too flawed to make a valid point, and I think I've been mostly successful. It still pisses me off.

I've mentioned before that I don't hold grudges and that's true; I get angry fast and it fades just as quickly. I'm also pretty good at managing conflicts, inasmuch as it depends on me. I'm learning again that the ball isn't always in my court.

Most of the time it's not the end of the world, but though broken pottery can be mended, the cracks don't vanish. You'd think I'd have learned that by now, after all the vases and plates I've smashed to the ground. In a sense perhaps I have; I'm more cautious with other people than I used to be, but maybe I'm too optimistic. Either way, disillusionment sucks.

The truth is, sometimes you have to let valuable things go. That's not a new lesson for me, and I'm no longer injured when it happens. There's an old motivational poster that reads "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was." That's good advice when you're talking about birds, but I'm not sure it works for people. You shouldn't have to hold on. Real love shouldn't be trying to leave. But there's one point that everyone needs to embrace - letting go sometimes means it's forever beyond your reach, cracks and all.

I hope that isn't today's legacy, but if it is I can live with it. There remain good memories that can't be taken away, good feelings I still feel. It's almost like processing criticism as an author. You take what helps, you discard what doesn't, you move on and try to do better.

In the end I'm still me, in the process of becoming someone better, and that's a good thing.