Yoon

"I'm sorry for your lost, Mr Kim."

In the pitch black space, I heard that. At that time, all I could hear after the sentence was a sobs and some regretful whine.

Footsteps and the sound of the door closed. My mind still can't think straight.

I feel a warmth wrapped on my right hand. I also feel a liquid wetting the back of my hand. I feel everything.

An emptiness fill in my heart, feeling so lost. I feel like crying but for what reason? I feel like something was taken away from me. Once again.

"Taehyung-ah, thank you."

And cries.

Hyung? What did he do? Why is this person thanking him?

Just at the moment, I finally remember that scene of him lying on the ground with blood everywhere. One by one my memory began to stick with each other, solving the puzzle slowly.

I finally remembers what happened. Now I feel anxious. Tears start to fill up in my eyes.

"Yoon, Taehyung is no longer with us."

Just with that once sentence, I lost it. The tears fall from the corner of my eyes but I couldn't open my eyes. It feels like God is torturing me by making me watch the scene like a movie in my sleep.

I want it to stop.

The scene of hyung, blood, people, cars, the man and everything came into my mind over and over again back to back with the speed suddenly increase and my heart beating increase too.

"Hyung!"

I immediately sit up after awhile of battling with myself to get up from the nightmare.

"Yoon."

I turn to my side and saw dad. Eyes still wet with the tears as he hug me.

"Thank God, you're safe."

"Where's Taehyung?"

*

A week passed and I'm now discharged from the hospital. Just got back from hyung's funeral.

After changing into something comfortable, I went to his room and close the door. Sitting on his bed. All of it still has his scent. I grab the pillow and hug it.

"Hyung, I miss you. I miss you so much."

After a long while putting up a mask on, I finally cry. In this empty dark room. It feels like he was still here. Alive and smiling.

I bury my face against the pillow and squeeze it in my embrace. I pull my legs up on the bed and just snuggle with the pillow.

"Yoon?"

I don't wanna look up. I don't want dad to see me like this. I hate it. So so much. He turn on the light. I wish it didn't work for a second. I just want to be in dark and cry the night away.

"Yoon."

Dad kneel in front of me, hold me gently as if he's assuring me that everything is gonna be fine when it is, really, not.

"I miss him, dad."

I said. Genuinely. A trace of sadness and emptiness drawn in the sentence. I put my legs back down to hug dad.

"I miss him too, Yoon. So much."

His voice cracked as he caress the back of my head. I cry on his shoulder as hard as I can because I can't handle the sadness anymore. I am so weak for it. One more person left me.

Please, God. Just don't take dad.

The hug on his shoulder getting tighter eventually as I let out everything I can.

"We'll get through this, hm. You are my strong girl, right?"

I shut my eyes as I squeeze his shirt in my fist. Even he can't handle the sadness, how can I? How?

"Taehyung is now with mom. She'll gonna take care of him there. He'll be okay."

I gulp down the lump in my throat. Dad tries so hard to shush me off the cries by caressing my back gently.

"Don't cry anymore, princess. You still have me, hm. Dad will never leave you."

I nod, still unable to stop the cries. Everything... went by too fast.

"Promise me."

"I promise."

I bury my face on his shoulder and cry even more. A soft giggles escape his lips as he caress my back.

"Aigoo, aigoo."

He sighed. Probably too tired or maybe me acting so childish.

"Can I not go to school?"

"Yeah, sure. Take as much time you want. I'll inform the school."

I break the hug, wiping away my tears and gulp down the lump.

"Don't tell them about hyung. I don't want people to know. They're gonna talk about it when I come to school."

He smile, patting my head and hold my shoulder.

"I'll do that, hm."

I sniffle and back to hug the pillow as dad chuckle at me.

"Do you want Jung—"

"No! He doesn't have the right to know."

"He's your friend."

"Just no."

He purse his lips and nod. Dad is very understanding when it comes to his children's needs and I'm thankful for it.

"I wanna sleep here tonight."

"Alright. Good night."

He smile, planting a kiss on my forehead before leaving the room and close the door.

I lay down on the bed and snuggle with the pillow. It smell like his syampoo and the bed, it feels like he's here beside me.

"Why do you have to go, hyung?"

I mutter, slightly frustrated as I squeeze the pillow tightly. Shutting my eyes.

Too much tears. Too much sadness. I hope it goes away.

*

Few weeks passed. The grieve wasn't that hard to handle anymore. I still can manage it. But I still cry sometimes. I still didn't go to school.

Today is the day where I decided to clean the room. Getting rid of everything that belongs to hyung. I make up my mind. We need to move on.

Dad couldn't help me since he had a meeting and might be back late so I had to do it alone. It is fine with me. But really, it took times. I keep feeling sad with everything that is in my hands and choke on my tears.

Not now. Please, Yoon.

As I was getting rid of his things in the drawer, I found a stack of envelopes. Letters. There's so much of it.

I sit down beside the study table and pull out the letters. It was like letters for a year. So many.

I tear the envelope and pull out the letter. The paper somehow has loosen its colour, turning yellowish.

I unfold the letter. It was long. Makes me wonder. Hyung wasn't someone who likes writing letters. It was from last year.

13th January, Thursday

Dear my little sister, Yoon. As you read this, I might not be with you. It was such a waste to write this. I have been feeling out of it lately. Keep worrying about you. Day by day but I didn't tell anyone. Not even dad. I wish I know the reason but somehow, I failed. I hope you're doing fine.

Your brother, Kim Taehyung

I was confused so I open up another letter. The first sentence is just the same. I might not be with you kept appearing in every letters. So, he does feel this way ever since then?

Letters after letters, it doesn't have that much of change in each letters. Just telling me he's worried about me, about how he's not with me when I read the letters and wishing me doing fine.

17th October, Saturday

My Yoonie, today, we went to our favourite place. The gallery. You always look happy when we went there. Always smiling and fascinated with the arts in there. You love it when I talk about them. Interpreted it into words. You always praised me.

You said that everything in the gallery are so beautiful and aesthetically pleasing to see. I've never good with words but I want you to know that you are an art, my Yoon. You are just as beautiful as the arts. Maybe even prettier than those. I hope you still going there even without me. I hope you still keep the memories. The memories of me interpreting the arts when it can't put into words.

I love you, Yoon.

Tears stream down my cheeks. It's been a long time that I've been there. We were supposed to go there after school that time but things just had to happened.

I place the letter down to my side, on top of other letters and proceed to read the other one.

18th October, Sunday

Dearly, Yoon. I lied to you when I said I was going out with my friends. I was out to buy a camera. Since you love photography so much. I've been watching you taking pictures of anything with your phone and smile with content. I saw so much happiness in you. But the thing is, your birthday has passed so maybe next year?

Hm, we don't know when we die so just in case, it was in the second drawer. I've wrapped it prettily just like you. I hope you use it well. Capture a lot of moments, nice things. Keep the memories. Make sure it was all nice so that when you look it back, you'll remember the exact thing that happened that time. Make it precious. Take a lot of pictures of your love ones.

Love, Taehyung

I set the letter down with the others, wiping away the tears and open the second drawer. I burst into more tears when I saw a baby blue covered box in there. There's also a card stuck on top of it.

I took it out. Hiccups occurs as I open the card. It did nothing but make me tear up even more.

"Use it well, princess. I love you."

I wailed after I read the note. Slowly tearing of the wrapper. It really is a camera. I hug it and cry more. He really hates me, huh.

I then went back to read the letters. Letters after letters. He really write it every single day without missing it. I'm just too oblivious and dumb. He really does treasure me so much.

The next letter... was written this year. And it makes me tear up even more than I am right now.

20th January, Friday

My pretty Yoon. Sigh, what did you do? After meeting that boy named Jungkook, you keep coming home with bruises. You keep making me worried. I want to beat up that boy but when I saw him from afar, he had it worse than you. That time, I was just walking around the street and I saw him wincing in pain so I helped him. I send him to the hospital.

I asked him what happened and he told me that there's a girl who keep fighting with him. I know it's you but I didn't tell him. He really had it worse, Yoon-ah. I asked him why did he do that and he said that he just want to be your friend. Why did you hit him?

But after all, he said he enjoy your company even if it means to hurt him. He make it equal by hitting you back but he purposely hit you lightly because you are his friend. But the lightly, sigh, it still leave bruises on you.

Be nice, Yoonie.

This part just made me cry even more that I thought I might get blind after this.

Jeon Jungkook, that shit! Why does he have to say that? Why is he so sweet all of sudden?

I set back the letter to the side and proceed to read another letter.

6th February, Friday

My baby girl, Kim Yoon. Ah, it's Friday. We planned to go to the art gallery. It's been a hectic month, huh. It's been awhile. I miss going there. I miss seeing your smile. But this time, I feel like bringing Jungkook too. It's time for him to know that that person who helped him is your brother. Maybe that way you can be in good terms with him.

But, Yoon-ah, I feel so uneasy today. It was weird. I feel like something bad is gonna happen. Hm, but it's okay! Positive thinking! I have a lot to do today.

Fighting!

And that was his last letter. I grip on the letter tightly in my hand. My heart ached so bad.

"I told you to ditch the school that day! Why didn't you listen to me?! I hate you!"

I wail in ugly as I place the letter onto my chest. Crying again and again.

When will the pain stop?

To Be Continued