"but this diamond ring doesnt shine for me anymore"

~

sometimes its as simple as you realize whats worth fighting for and what isnt. its all about prospective- where you stand and how you view the world at that exact moment. like next time you lift your hand to flip someone off, try to give them a thumbs up instead. youll both feel better.

everyone seems to know whats best for me but me. not to sound like morrissey but all i want is to be loved. but for now id settle for liked. theres got to be more to life than hurt, jealousy and hate. i want to feel things ive only seen with my hands pressed to the glass looking in. theres always something stopping me from letting myself be happy. i know it must be tough to know me, even worse to love me. to be a part of my life. youve probably rolled your eyes at something ive said or done at least twice. "are his 15 minutes up yet?" and i ask myself the same. im not a normal boy- or at least not all of me. everything everyone mumbles about me with their back turned is right- i am probably the worst human being alive. but that doesnt mean im a bad person- ive got the appearance of an asshole with a heart of gold. everytime i open my mouth what i mean to say comes out twisted or too soon- never on time or right. ive sat with dialtone on the other line just to feel like i was making progress. i know i belong confined somewhere in a lab where scientists can pick apart my brain and use the knowledge to create a pill that will make me balanced but since i cant be ill just keep writing.

"you can think about woman, or the girl you knew the night before..."

at almost any given time sitting in the same room with me is my girlfriend who mentally is miles away. she questions everything i do as if being controlling is a sign of true love. i do the same, i never said i didnt. i know shes only with me to make sure im with her, and to be honest when she left before i think she only came back to make sure she had me still- if i had sat perfectly still and been a good boy shed still be gone letting me rot. her attention is rarely on me and when it is i write it off as her being bored enough to look my way until she gives up and stops again. watched but not entertaining. love but not in love? i start to feel more like an accessory than a boyfriend. shes collecting hearts and its taking its toll on me. we are trying to write the book on love using a pencil without a point and a chewed off eraser. everything is so silent i can remember thoughts i almost had back when i was smart enough not to even have them. even with sunny skies somewhere under the surface theres a storm ahead. shes always either threatened by the words she cant mean or by the way someone else can mean them. she looks at me like im just a mirage but i want this more than anything ive ever wanted. we are drinking from the last straw. lovesick off backwash. suffering from shaky hands that couldnt hold on and headache hearts that couldnt love right (and just got left), dont let anyone fool you, "i can relate" are the best three words you can ever hear- even if theyre usually a lie like those other three words. sometimes it keeps you warm at night when she refuses to. othertimes it leaves you out on the balcony looking down at life and how it goes on with or without you on the streets below. sometimes you wonder if you made your mark or if a mark is what made you. i hate how it feels like two different people wrote this and i only remember half of it at a time. either case, hopefully you dont hate me more than normal in the morning.

"but your thoughts will soon be wandering, the way they always do"

oh and by the way-
not that it matters much but i was quoting the metallica version of the song.

goodnight.

xx