PAPER PLANES

by Katherine (-dauntless)

He cupped my cheeks and rested his forehead against mine, our eyes closed, our nose touching each other and our breaths simply meet at the tiny space between our lips. It’s tormenting to be this close to him before he leaves. I should be happy because we’re this near with each other. I should be glad that he’s holding me like this. I should feel triumphant because he chose to be with me before he leaves.

But I am not and I will never be because I know this has to end and at the end of this moment he will still go away. He will still leave me behind. Nothing in my mind seems to help me conquer this sadness I am feeling right now. My brain is filled with misery, heartaches and scenarios I don’t want to welcome ever again in my head. As my mind is full of those shits my heart also is a vault hiding those things even if they’re supposed to be disposed.

My body is a locked giant treasure chest securing pains and agonies.

 “I love you,” he murmured and I froze. “Promise me you’ll hold on to that.”

It’s amazing how I still get shocked whenever he says that he loves me. It’s like those words formed an alarm clock that I didn’t really set but still, it will ring taking me away from dreamland. His “I love you’s” are my reminder that I don’t need dreams anymore to wake up with a smile, because even when my eyes are wide open he can still make me happy.

 “I love you and I promise to hold on to you, to us.” I said forming my lips into a tiny smile.

He let go of me. I opened my eyes and saw him smiling like he won a price in a game show. That certain action of his made me smile even more. I felt like crying but we promised to each other that we will never shed even a single tear at this moment.

This is us, fond of promises.

 “Bye.” He told me and before I even say goodbye to him he immediately turned his back at me and walked slowly towards the airplane.

I watched him while making his way to the plane but I can’t stand it so every fifteen seconds I have to look away. Seeing him walking away from me already splits my heart into two. Before the plane closes its door he looked back at me, I waved and wore a painful smile for him. He waved back and smiled.

And as the door closes my tears went running on my cheeks.

I decided to go home hoping to ease the pain but when I got into our house it only reminded me of him. When I lied on my bed I smelled his sweet scent. I closed my eyes and I can see him smiling at me. It’s only the first day and I’m already going crazy. But shit always happens and he has to stay away for two months. I wonder what will happen to me in two months.

Maybe you’re asking why he has to move away for two months. Let me tell you, our relationship is not that kind of simple. We can’t date publicly. We can eat in a fancy restaurant without being cornered by some paparazzi’s.  He can’t say my name in public; he can’t introduce me to his fans which I remembered are millions; he can never skip his practices and I am not allowed to visit him.

Because he is an idol.

A member of a certain group claiming all the love in the world.

And we can never be free.

My name is not as big as his in the industry he chose to work. I’m just a commoner; a nobody. I’m one of his fans and I consider myself as the luckiest. I never expected him to fall for me or even notice me because I’m just this. I’m just a simple person loving him just like the others. I’m part of the majority but he found me exceptional. I still don’t know why and he has no idea either. Love just struck as both real hard. So here I am his secret girlfriend. I know the people who convinced him to leave our relationship as a secret are just trying to protect him and their idea unintentionally protects me too so I’m thankful.

But it’s still hard trying to keep up with him; trying to keep up with his schedules, his rumors and all. But we aimed to survive and so far we’re doing great. Even though sometimes we keep on fighting about time management but at the end of the day we’ll both do things to make it up to each other.

The beauty of our relationship, my friend, is that we’re both exerting equal efforts to make our relationship stronger.

But now another obstacle has come. He has to be gone for two months for a world tour. We promised to keep in touch through phone calls and e-mails. I know we’ll make it… I just have to wait for two months. Simple, isn’t it?

***

The song that he recorded only for me is on repeat and I’m still lying on my bed completely lost in thoughts. I closed my eyes and I can see his face. He’s smiling and I swear he’s brighter than the sun. But whatever, he’ll always be my sunshine so that’s understandable. I don’t know but all I want to do is close my eyes because that’s the only thing I can do to see him. Two weeks have already passed. The first week of him being so far away from me is fine. We talked through calls. He told me about his tour and how great his fans in every country that he was performing at.  I’m happy because he is happy that finally he’s traveling around the world. You know his happiness will always be mine too. Every night he calls just to say “I love you” and “I miss you” and for me that’s enough. I will always be contented when it’s from him.

But the second week got worse. He only texted me once or thrice a day and they were really short ones. I told myself that maybe he’s tired and he needs to grab a rest so I didn’t mind him not calling. But I badly miss him and his voice so I tried to call him but he didn’t answer. Although my heart aches a bit I pushed that thought away and smiled because I know after a few more weeks and a month he’ll be standing again right in front of me; he’ll tell me he missed me and then he’ll show his vibrant smile once again.

I saw a paper on my desk; I felt little butterflies playing thinking that it’s a meadow down in my stomach. I smiled when I remember the first time I saw him in person. I picked up the paper and made it into a paper plane. I smiled once again remembering his interview about his childhood. The fact is, he doesn’t really know how to do a paper plane so some of his playmates laughed at him and teased him by making perfect paper planes and tossing them in the air to fly. Some of his fans didn’t really pay attention to that trivia but I did. When his group held a fan signing in our area what I did when it was already my turn to have my album signed by him is give him a paper plane. I asked him to open it and when he did; he saw a step by step procedure on how to make a paper plane… made by me. He smiled and I swear out of all the pictures of him taken by his fans in my phone that one was the brightest. He nearly forgot to sign my album but I reminded him so he did but then I never expected him to give me his phone number. I was so surprised back then but that is where our love story started.

I grabbed the paper that was once lying peacefully on my desk and made it into a paper plane. I decided to do this every day and I will only stop once he’s done with his tour.

I just need to wait a little longer, yes.

***

One month has passed. I didn’t expect myself to go to bed every night crying. I know I have to wait but we promised to each other to keep in touch. But now I don’t know what happened to us. No calls, no text messages from him. I don’t know what to think anymore. Every night I’m trying to call him but his phone is always off. I e-mailed him a dozen of messages but I didn’t get anything from him. I’m starting to worry. Some rumors about him dating a model he met in a certain country keep on flying. I know I should trust him but us having no communication is not helping. Not at all.

I waited and waited. I waited while making paper planes for him. Sometimes I caught myself crying while making paper planes. What if the rumors are true? What if he has found someone better than me? Or what if he has found the best? I sighed at all my thoughts. I need to think positive but how can I do that when all the things surrounding me are negative ones? I miss him so much and it’s killing me. I miss him so much but I can’t do anything. I hate being like this but what can I do?

Wait.

That’s the only thing I can do for now. So I did.

***

I found myself sitting in front of a fire with all the paper planes I made inside a box on my side. Tears keep on falling from my eyes. It’s the second and the final month that he’ll be away. I should be celebrating but I am not.

How can I celebrate when my heart is broken into pieces?

It’s not about the loss of communication anymore. It’s not about the rumors anymore. It’s not about the distance anymore. It’s not about the trust issues anymore.

It’s about our break up and it’s about him having someone aside from me. The worst is he even introduced her to his fans. He confirmed the rumors— one thing that he didn’t do when we were still together. It was true. He’s currently dating a model. I thought dating the only one I’ve ever dreamed of will be a fairytale… always having the finale with a one great kiss and a promise of happily ever after. But I was wrong, completely wrong. Dating an idol is not like Cinderella dating Prince Charming. It’s never like that.

And I am left with these paper planes. It is hard for me to explain how I feel. How can you still even think of words and metaphors to describe the pain you’re feeling? How can you still play on words when heartache struck you? I wonder how writers do that. I wonder how come they know what words they’ll use to describe something that is completely indescribable.

Because I... I can never put my pains in words nor transfer them on papers. As I have said, I’m a treasure chest full of pains and agonies. I’m an empty vessel floating in a sea of melancholy. I’m just this.

I started to pick up few paper planes that I made from the box. I tossed them in the fire and I watched them burn. I wish my feelings are like those paper planes I am burning right now. I wish I can also burn my feelings down so they don’t have to comeback anymore. I wish to become a paper plane. But then I realized the paper plane is my metaphor. We’re almost a like. One day I was free floating together with the clouds and I feel like they want to adopt me. Then one day I fell from the skies without saying goodbye to the friendly clouds I have encountered. I fell, I got crumpled and I was destroyed.

I am a paper plane. Given the chance to fly and enjoy the good things in life but always destined to fall. I wish I can have someone who will pick me up and toss me again to be carried away by the winds. I wish to have someone who’ll love something that’s easy to be destroyed.

I threw the box in the fire and watched it turn into ashes. I hope there will come a time that he’ll realize that his metaphor is the fire. The fire engulfing anything it’ll touch leaving them with nothing. I’m not wishing him the worst but I just want him to know how badly he devastated my life. How badly I am hurt.

The paper plane can also be his metaphor. Every one of us can have the paper plane as his or her metaphor.

I found a paper plane near my feet. I picked it up and stared at it. I closed my eyes and I saw him but I pushed his image away. I held the paper plane tightly.

“Fly the longest that you can. You’re free now.” Then I let him go.

f i n.