Hey guys, sorry that I've been gone for so long. So much has happened in this few months. *sighs* Don't try to make me explain it cuz I won't. It's just stuff in my life that I can't and won't talk about. I'm gonna try to come back soon, though. All due explanations will be made when I do decide to start uploading again. For now, I'm gonna leave you guys this short story. Let me know what you think yah?

It's dedicated to Chelseadrag because this funny person was the one that got me out of my slumber to be honest. They didn't do some big speech, or try to help me and comfort me, or some such bullshit. They were just an amazing fan that left amazing and funny comments, that made me want to make an effort to come back. You're awesome. I know you don't like short stories, and I guess it's kind of an irony that I'm dedicating this to you hahaha.

Hope you enjoy,

Desyre.

                In physics class, the worst subject ever, everything’s silent. I look around and see the whole room focused on the exercises the teacher wrote on the board for us. I look down at my notebook and try to work out the problem but give up when I notice it’s like reading Japanese. I sigh and look up at the ceiling wondering not for the first time who invented physics and why nobody thought to stop him or her. I look around again at all the ducked heads and feel as out of place as I’ve ever felt in my life. I must be the only weird idiot and does not understand this goddamned subject, because I'm the only one who is looking around. I'm about to ask the teacher for permission to drink water so I can run away from this hell when I receive a text. As I read the name I feel my heart expand in my chest, feeling as if it doesn’t fit. It’s a message from Chris. It's amazing how a simple text makes this hellish subject, in which I just failed a test, into a reason to smile internally. It isn’t an overly long message, but then again Chris’ texts never are.

"Hi Matt! Feel like skipping? I know you are in physics :P I’ll see you at our tree."

I type back a quick reply, a plan already forming in my mind. "On my way."

"Last to get there is a rotten egg."

                I chuckle and put my phone back in my pocket. I tell the teacher that I’m not feeling well and ask for permission to go to the nurse’s office. The teacher, who doesn’t like me, not that I like her either, rolls her eyes and waves me away. I quickly grab my things and walk out of the classroom. The teacher probably knows it’s a lie, but doesn’t bother to make me try to stay. She prefers me out of her sight than obviously playing on my phone in the middle of class. Normally when I’m going to meet Chris, I run as fast as I can to get to him. But I prefer to walk today. I have a lot of things to think about.

                How can Chris understand me so well? You’d think we’re siblings or something with how in synch we normally are. I think about ‘our tree’ and how at first it was nothing but a tree where I liked to take naps when I skipped class until Chris discovered it as well; that's how I met him. Through this tree. That's why now it’s our tree, because almost no one knows its location and because it has a certain intimate air that makes it our tree. Or at least it does for me. I wonder if Chris feels the same way. Probably not. I think about asking him but he’d just tell me I’m weird. He really had no idea just how weird I was.

                I approach to the school gardens, and I barely put one foot in them when a voice behind me, which sounds frighteningly similar to the biology teacher’s, yells, "MATTHEW!" I don’t even turn to check if it really is the biology teacher. As soon as I hear the yell I run away so fast Usain Bolt would be jealous. I turn a few times to the right and left, trying to lose her but it doesn’t seem to work because I still hear her screaming my name. I change plans then. I stop dead and jump up, grabbing a branch and quickly climb to the top of it. From the top not a minute after I disappear I see the winded, panting, sweating-like-a-pig, and red-faced biology teacher. Poor thing, thinking that she would catch the star of the track team that easily. She should’ve known better.

                Suddenly a voice from somewhere near me says, "Why am I not surprised it was you who brought the Wicked Witch of the West to our tree?" I smile and look up to see Chris shake his head as he clicks his tongue. He is a few branches above me, so I climb a few branches until I land in his branch and give him a friendly nudge. He laughs, but stops when he hears the biology teacher scream again. Chris nervously looks around scanning the gardens and I assume he’s checking to see if the coast is clear. Then he nods and jumps from branch to branch, climbing down the tree. I follow him and when we’re both on the floor we start laughing like psychos.

                We laugh so much that by the time we stop we’re crying, winded, and panting. We decide to just lounge in the shade of our tree. It was really just pure luck that I stopped by our tree and started to climb it. I was in rush and didn’t notice that it was our tree. But now its distinctive fruity and sweet smell hangs heavy in the air. It’s the only maple tree in the gardens so it’s kind of hard to miss it, but still, must people don’t know about it. The air’s fresh and cool, providing refuge from the heat. The breeze brings the scents of flowers, trees, and earth, along with the sweet smell of our tree. But then the breeze changes direction and instead brings a smell of musk, sandalwood, and vanilla. It’s a scent I know so well by now. I love it. Not only the scent but the owner.

                It’s one of my most deep and dark secrets. I dream of this smell at night, imagining a warm body pressing against mine, soft lips gently tugging my own, kissing me everywhere. I feel the usual tightness in my chest, fear making my breathing shallow. Chris doesn’t know. I want to tell him, I really do. I’ve felt a little more like a jerk every day that has gone by since I found out I had a crush on him. We’re supposed to be best friends, I should be able to trust him with anything but somehow I can’t bring myself to admit this. I open my eyes, wondering when I closed them, and carefully turn to look at him. His eyes are closed, his breathing slow, his chest rising and falling at an even rhythm. He looks so handsome like that, the breeze ruffling his long straight hair, his skin looking golden in the few spots the sun hits it. Chris. My stomach gives a nasty lurch inside me. I love you so much.

                Chris’ eyes snap open an outraged, surprised, hurt, and even betrayed look in them. I notice then that I spoke the words out loud. “WHAT?” Chris gets up from the floor, looking angry now. I shrink back, scared, and entertain the thought of making up an excuse. He looks so different from the Chris I know. The Chris I know didn’t look like this, like he was thinking of hitting me, or something. “Matt, what did you say?” The question comes out in a quiet voice, almost a whisper, soothing, like he’s not angry anymore, but the fire in his eyes tell another story. It’s no use lying. Chris knows when I’m lying and when I’m not. “I said I… I love you Chris. I always have. From the day we met under this tree," I reply, trying to keep the panic out of my voice, and keep myself from stuttering.

                I don’t look at Chris as I wait for his reply, I don’t want to see his face. But Chris is silent for a long time and I can’t help but risk a peek at him, wondering what he’s thinking. That’s when I understand why he wasn’t answering, he was very busy going from red to purple, purple to blue, and then to a very disturbing shade of white. "Chris? Chris! CHRIS!” I shake him trying to snap him out of his trance. I had been thinking that maybe we could sort this out, that it wasn’t that big of a deal. But the words that come out of Chris’ mouth tell me to forget about that.

"DON’T TOUCH ME! You... you... you disgusting FAG!”

Yeah, I should totally forget about that.

"I cannot believe this! I would’ve thought it of anyone in our grade, hell anyone in the school! But you! You’re the star of the track team! You exceed in all the sports you play! Look at you! Look at your body! The way you act! You can’t be… you can’t be… you can’t be a fag! It’s just not possible!" Chris says sounding outraged looking at me like I was the most disgusting thing he’s ever seen.

"What do fags look like then Chris? Would you rather I dress like a woman, have limp wrists, and a lisp? Would that make my being gay more acceptable for you? You think that just because I look and act like any normal guy, I can’t be in love with you?" I ask angrily, feeling more than a little sad as well. But above all, disappointment is what makes my heart feel heavy. I would’ve expected hatred and prejudice from anyone but Chris.

“Stop saying that you ‘love me'!” Chris snaps at me.

"Why?" I ask quietly.

“Because... because… Because I don’t like it! Because it’s not alright! It’s disgusting!” Chris yells.

"But Chris..." I start to say, trying to explain, make him see that it isn’t wrong, that it’s perfectly normal.

"But Chris nothing! I don’t want to see you again! Get out of my sight! Now! You’re disgusting! I hate you!" Chris yells, and I could actually feel my heart break in two. He hates me.

                As soon as the words leave my lips I know I stepped over a line, but I don’t care. I don’t care. I shouldn’t care. Matt can’t be gay. He just can’t. If he’s gay… I shake my head. I need to talk to someone, ask for advice. Matt loves me. What am I supposed to do now? It’s not alright. Two guys couldn’t love each other. It just isn’t right. And what was that feeling in my chest when he confessed? It was almost as if… No. I run at full speed through the gardens and back into the main building, take the stairs in twos, and enter my classroom. The door makes a very loud noise and everyone turns around to see me.

                Normally I would have entered the room in a less boisterous way, but didn’t have time to turn the knob carefully and step subtly into the classroom. "What’s going on Chris?" The teacher asks me as I scan the room for the one guy that I trusted apart from Matt. “The Physics teacher is asking for John,” I say, lying through my teeth. “Very well, John, please accompany Chris.” John gives me a weird look and I just shake my head slightly. As soon as he steps out I practically drag him out to the back of the school. “Dude, what’s wrong with you? Where are you taking me?” But I don’t say anything. Once we’re behind the school he pulls his arm out of my grip.

“What’s wrong with you, man? Why’d you drag me out here for?”

“I need to talk to you.”

“Chris, man, are you alright? You look pale. What’s wrong?”

“You see..." I start to say, and proceed to tell him everything that happened back in our tree with Matt.

“I don’t know what to do. He’s my best friend. But… But he… he loves me. I know I hurt him and it’s eating me up,” I say, running a hand through my hair and wondering if I should tell him about the way Matt’s words made me feel.

"Don’t worry about him. You did the right thing, man. He’s a faggot and I’ll make sure he learns the lesson," He says before turning around and returning to the classroom, I assume. He told me not to worry but something in his tone is making me do exactly the opposite thing. A bad feeling spreads through my stomach as I watch his retreating form. Just what did he mean?

                Chris didn’t text me even once yesterday. I don’t want to believe that he really does hate me but it’s hard. Chris always texted me. He wasn’t one to spend a whole day angry at me. He was as talker. He got angry and yelled at you, and told you to get lost, but then he comes to find you and yell at you some more. Yet he hadn’t done that yesterday, and I found myself staying up all night, thinking about him and his attitude. I yawn as I walk across the front of the school on my way to the hellish prison. I then feel that prickly feeling you get when you’re being watched and turn to look around.

                Everyone quickly turns to look the other way, not meeting my gaze. But as soon as I look away they all go back to looking at me, pointing and whispering, and it doesn’t seem like they’re talking wonders about me, if their faces are any indicator. "Matt!" I turn and see John waving at me. I sigh in annoyance. All that guy ever wants with me is to ask for a rematch of our last race. I always win but it seems he’s masochistic or something and always asks for another race only to get humiliated again. I turn to keep walking, but he shouts something that makes my blood run cold.

"Hey FAG! I’m talking to you! What you’re gonna play hard to get now? You saving yourself for Chris or something?"

"No. This cannot be happening. Chris would never do this. Not just because we had a fight. He would not tell my secret to the whole school... would he?" I say under my breath as I turn back around to look at John, my heart sinking him dread.

                John walks up to me with a sneer, flanked by his friends.

“Hey cocksucker, what are you looking at? You wanna suck my cock? You do, don’t you? And here you were playing hard to get.” He punches me in the stomach, hard, taking me by surprise and knocking the air out of me. “You’re nothing more than a disgusting little fairy, you hear me? You. Are. A. Fag.” John punches me a couple of more times not letting me get my air back. I finally collapse on the floor, the pain so sharp my eyes sting. John crouches near me. “Hey fruity boy, look at that, look,” John says as he yanks my head up, making me look towards the school’s front doors.

                Everyone’s looking this way but nobody’s doing anything about it. Some are even walking right past us, acting as if there is nothing wrong with what’s going on, like a guy getting the shit kicked out of him is an everyday thing. “You see that? You’re alone, you pillow muncher. Alone,” John says as he gets back up and kicks my ribs. “No one’s going to come to your rescue, not your precious Chris, not the teachers, not anyone. You want to be a fag? Well enjoy it then,” John says as he steps back and I think that maybe, just maybe, he’ll leave me alone, but I’m wrong.

                As I’m trying to get up his friends kick me again in the ribs, one after the other, every time I try to get up. I finally give up and just lay in the floor, letting them do whatever they want. The pain starts to spread through my body, becoming excruciating, and I just want it to end but then someone kicks my head and everything goes black.

                When I come back to my senses, I slowly open my eyes groaning as I start recognizing things. The blinding light of day that tells me I’d been out for far too long, the excruciating, mind-numbing pain that makes my body throb, the cold concrete floor. Everything comes back to me little by little and I sit up groaning as the pain grows. I make inventory and come to the conclusion that nothing is broken, luckily, but that I’m probably covered in bruises. I slowly get up, looking around and noticing I was moved to the back of the school. I look at the building as I feel a pain, not linked to the beating, spread through my chest.

                The whole school probably knows by now. If John knew, the whole school knew. He gossips more than old ladies. I entertain the thought of going in and attending classes but decide against it. Instead I go to the gardens, walking slowly because of my aching muscles, planning to rest under our tree. Our tree. Chris. I sigh and groan when it makes my chest ache. I have to talk to Chris. I have to see if he’s really the one that told my secret. But I’m feeling too tired. Maybe later. Right now I need to rest. I arrive to the tree and slowly get down on the floor and lay under the shade, closing my eyes and letting the blackness on the edges of my mind take over. 

"What are you doing here?” I hear a familiar voice ask angrily from somewhere around me, jolting me from my sleep.

“Washing my teeth, Chris. What does it look like I’m doing?” I ask annoyed, angry, and hurt by his treason. He’s the only one that knew about my secret. No one else knew. Putting two and two together isn’t that hard.

“I mean, what are you doing here?” Chris snapped at me.

“This is a tree Chris, there are many trees here, you can go right along to someplace else if I’m so unpleasant to your eyes,” I snap angrily at him as I sit up and groan. God, if anything my body hurt even more, and it was all his fault. I want to hate him. I really want to.

“What’s wrong with you? Why are you covered in bruises? What happened?” Chris asks, a little worry filtering into his angry voice.

“You know what happened,” I snap, glaring at him.

“I don’t,” Chris snaps back at me. “Why would I know?”

“Because it’s all your fault,” I yell at him even though it hurt.

“What? What are you talking about?! What’s my fault?” Chris asks yelling right back at me.

“Don’t play dumb! You told everyone in school that I was gay! I know you did! John made sure I knew that this morning. Literally beat it into me,” I say, squinting as I feel anger, sadness, and frustration overwhelm me. I thought I could trust him. I thought Chris was different.

“John beat you?” Chris asks looking taken aback. “The whole school knows? How?”

                Right then the dots reconnect in my mind, and things become clear.

“You told John didn’t you?” I ask silently, feeling my chest unwound as I realize that Chris did not betray my trust. He had just gone to a friend for advice. It was human. What he hadn’t counted on was his friend having a big, fish mouth.

                I see the moment understanding hits him like a ton of bricks. Chris shakes his head at me, his jaw clenches, his eyes flare with anger, hard and cold as they look at me. He had not betrayed me but I understood right then that he really did hate me. I could feel my heart break into a million more little pieces and my throat clog up.

"You did. I know you did. And now the whole school knows. And I'm sure my parents also know by now. Is it that bad that I love you? Can you really never forgive me?” I ask quietly as Chris’ cold eyes pierce into me. “You really hate me, huh? I guess I deserve this. I am an abomination. I shouldn’t have said anything."

                It’s all over. I’m really all alone now. I had the whole world, and I had to go screw it over. A decision forms in my mind and I know what I need to do. Two fat tears roll down my cheeks as I hug Chris and say, “Thank you for being in my life. You'll always be my first and last love. Goodbye, Chris.” I turn around and walk away not looking back and wiping my tears. I deserve this. I looked for it all by myself.

                I walk into my house expecting it to be alone but noticing that it isn’t when I hear voices from the living room.

“What are we going to do now?” I hear my mom ask, her voice filled with tears.

“I don’t know. We can only talk to him. Hear his side of the story before we come to a decision,” my dad says.

“I want all this to go away. I want it to disappear, so badly,” my mom whimpers.

“I know, I know. Me too,” my father says clearly soothing my mom.

                My throat clogs up again and I do my best not to cry. They didn’t need to worry. It would all disappear soon enough. I go on up to my room not bothering to keep the fact that I was home hidden. “Matt?” My mom asks from the bottom of the stairs before I go into my room and lock the door behind me. Why go on living if my life was going to be hell from now on? The answer came easily. I was an abomination. My best friend hated me, my parents wanted me gone, I would probably get beaten every day from now on, until one day they killed me by accident or something. Well, I’d save them the trouble.

                When my parents finally get tired of knocking on my door asking me to come out, and decide to go to sleep, I go over to the bathroom. I grab a razor from the cabinet and press it against the tender skin of my wrist, watching as a small drop of blood gathers. I hiss at the pain but welcome it at the same time. This was it. This was my decision. I was not backing down. The drop of blood grows until it starts rolling down the side of my wrist and hits the sink. I close my eyes and take one deep breath to steel myself. I open my eyes, decided. I had already made my decision. I move the razor from my wrist down to the inside of my elbow, making a gash across the length of it. There is so much blood. With shaking and uncoordinated hands I move the razor to my other hand and repeat the process on my other arm.

                I don’t make a very deep cut the second time because of the lack of coordination and the cut muscles but it’s enough. It’ll do the job. I try to put the razor in the sink but my vision becomes blurry and I can’t see where it landed when it slipped from my hand. The pain was excruciating but now it’s all just numb, I couldn’t feel anything, but I could see the blood going down the drain of the sink or was it pooling in the floor? I wasn’t sure. Red is such a bright color. Even through my blurry eyes I could distinguish it. My knees buckle and I just see black. I feel so cold. Am I on the floor? Everything is black. I can only feel the coldness spreading through my body. I shiver, or I least I think I do. I’m not sure. Numbness and coldness grows, engulfing everything, my senses, my mind, my strength. Everything is swallowed by darkness until there is nothing left.