I have a secret life, and before your mind goes to the gutter, it's not like that. You see, I'm best friends with two different sets of people, both of which would never mix. Like, ever. If they did, I would be dead, killed twice by both groups. Ever since First Year, I've been keeping this secret, and I don't know how much longer I can take it. 

"Julia!" Remus hisses, breaking me from my overwhelming thoughts. I try to control my facial expressions when I turn to look at him; the kid is quite perceptive, so I don't want him finding out my secrets. "Are you going to help us or what?"

My eyes glance around the small hallway the Marauders and I are standing in, and my anxiety kicks in. The stone walls slowly start closing in on me, and the rest of the boys are staring at me expectantly, like they want me to do something. I've never been happy that they prank people, but they are my friends, and I really don't want to start a fight with them. Sure, I have my other friends to fall back on, but these boys are a part of my life, no matter what I do. I'm not one for confrontation, so I learned to shut my mouth and just watch as they prank innocent kids. 

"You know I don't help you guys," I say, nervously brushing the braids off of my shoulders. Sirius scoffs at my response. "I don't want to get in trouble, and you know that, Sirius."

"We hardly ever get in trouble!" he says, glaring at me through the mop of hair on his head. Remus turns toward him, giving him his special evil eye. "Okay, sure, we get into trouble, but still. It's family bonding time!"

Hearing Sirius' words make me smile a little. We've been a family ever since we met, and with my own family being broken, it's been nice having these four boys as my unofficial family.

"Julia, you don't have to do this," my fellow anxious buddy, Peter, says. He gives me a quick grin, but I can still see the anxious thoughts swirling through his mind. He loves pranking people, but he's always afraid that they will be caught or be beat up if they prank the wrong people. 

And that's when I hear his voice. 

My blood runs cold as the Marauders turn back to their target. Of course they're going to prank him; ever since James and Lily got together, the pranks have lessened on Severus Snape, but they still find the chance to prank him without Lily knowing. The problem is that Severus Snape is my other best friend, the one that was a part of my other set of friends. 

"James," I whisper, pushing through the wall of boys. James turns to face me, and honestly, he looks like he just rolled out of bed. His curly dark hair is such a mess that I don't know how Lily finds him attractive. "You cannot prank Severus. You do realize what Lily will do to you if she finds out."

James pouts, placing both hands on my shoulders. He stares deep into my eyes, his own hazel eyes quite startling in the bright sunlight. "You will not tell Lily about this," he says, shaking me for extra effect. "This is just a little fun between old friends."

I want to yell and scream at them, that they have never been friends with Severus, that I have, but my jaw feels like it is locked in place. The words get caught in my throat and the breath is nearly knocked out of my chest because of my anxiety, so I quickly nod. James kisses my cheek and then turns back to his -- our -- friends. I back away from them, my back hitting the cool stone wall. A shadow passes over the sun because it gets darker in the small hallway. 

And then Severus yells, his voice ringing out in the otherwise silent hallway. There's another voice that yells out, and I know who it is without seeing them. It's Lucius, the other one a part of the group with Severus. He's something else to me, though, something worse: my boyfriend. You see, I met Severus on the train going to Hogwarts during First Year. We both befriended Lucius, and over the years, Lucius and I have fallen for each other. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter do not know about them (especially Lucius), but with this prank happening, I'm nervous that the two worlds will collide. 

I rush out into the other hallway to see Severus covered with tar and feathers. His stringy black hair is the part that is really covered, but his face is free, and there's a very angry look on his face. Lucius is standing right next to him, his eyes cutting into my body like ice shards. The other boys come tumbling around the corner, laughter filling the air. I'm caught between my two worlds, and I have no idea what to do. 

"Well, well, well," James says, his hazel eyes dancing, "look who we have here. How did little chicken Severus Snape get covered in feathers?"

Severus glares at the boys behind me, but then his gaze lands on me. The shockwave of disappointment that floods through me at his gaze, and at Lucius' gaze, is so intense that I have to grab onto the wall next to me for support. My breath is shallow and quick, my head getting tight and fuzzy. I'm falling into another panic attack, but I push through it. 

"I'm so sorry," I whisper to Severus. He looks away from me, his jaw clenched tightly. "Severus, please . . ."

"No." 

Severus shakes his head, stalking off down the hallway, leaving me, Lucius, and the Marauders. Lucius is looking at me with a strange look on his face as my heart thuds against my chest, quicker and quicker each time. This panic in my chest will only get worse the longer I stay with any of them, I know it. But I can't leave them yet because it's time for me to spill all my deepest, darkest secrets to the people I care about most.

"Why were you apologizing to Severus?" Sirius asks me with a frown on his face. There's something in his eyes that hurts me, that cuts me deep in my chest. "Julia Benson, tell me why you were apologizing to Severus right now."

My eyes flutter shut as the words pour out of my mouth. I tell them everything, about how the three of us became fast friends during my First Year. I tell them how I kept these two a secret, about how my developing feelings for Lucius. I tell them that I kept up appearances with the Marauders because they are also my friends, even though I had another friend group and a boyfriend to go back to. And then I tell them that I can't choose between the two groups, that I am stuck in the middle of it all and don't know how to get out.

My chest heaves up and down when I finish my spiel, my anxiety at its zenith. My hands start to shake, so I grip tightly to the front of my robes. The tension in the hallway is very intense, adding to the sense of anxiety in my chest and fingers and head. 

"You mean to tell us that you've been friends with these . . . these people for years?" James asks, his voice cutting through the tension like a knife. My eyes flash open, and I can see the anger in the boys' faces as they stare at me. "Julia, how could you?"

"You don't know them like I do!"

Remus and Peter stay quiet, but I can feel their anger and disappointment roll through the air. Sirius bitterly laughs, shaking his head. "That sounds like a bloody lie. They've terrorized us, which is why we're pranking them back. It's only fair, and you know it."

"How is it fair?" I cry, motioning to Lucius. "Why would you ever do something like that in return?" Then, I turn my gaze onto Lucius. "And how could you ever hurt them? What good did it do to you?"

"They're terrible guys," Lucius said, gesturing to her four best friends. "They've hurt me and Severus and --"

"All of you have hurt each other," I snap at them. There isn't a lot of anxiety traveling through my chest right now; no, it's anger. Anger at Lucius and James and the others for treating each other like this. "Why can't you all just grow up? It's ridiculous that you're acting like this -- like children."

"What else do you expect us to do?" Sirius asks me. He is looking at me like I'm the worst person alive. I hate it. 

"Obviously not this." I gesture around at them, my hands shaking even more, but with rage this time. "If you guys don't clean up your act, I'm leaving. For good."

"What about us?" Lucius' voice tears right through my already breaking heart. He has the softest, saddest look on his face as he stares at me. "Our relationship . . . it doesn't have to be a secret anymore. Your other friends know about us."

"Were we ever really friends with your girlfriend, though?" Sirius says, his tone icy and mad. He looks over to our -- his -- friends, saying, "Let's get out of here."

Sirius shepherds the other Marauders away from me and Lucius. None of them gives me another glance as they disappear around a hallway. I turn to face Lucius, his long blonde hair framing his face just like the day we met. He looks the same, but at the same time, older, cuter, happier. 

"So? What about us?"

I walk over to him and throw my arms around his shoulders, drawing him into a hug. Lucius melts into me, and I take a deep breath, savoring his scent and the way his body just fits with mine. It feels like we're made for each other. 

"You help me with my anxiety, and I'll forever thank you for that," I say in his ear, running my fingers through his hair. "But you also have hindered me in the past, and not just in the past. I've never really been happy with both groups because I knew I was betraying either one."

Lucius pulls away from me, his silver eyes flashing. "What are you saying, Julia?"

"I need to choose me. Not you and Severus, not the other boys, me. If that means spending time away from you, then so be it."

Lucius lets go of me, but doesn't look mad. His head hangs as he backs away from me, his hands dropping to his sides. "I'll wait for you. I'll never stop loving you."

"Thank you, Lucius."

He gives me one last smile that lingers in my mind even after Lucius leaves. I stay in that hallway, feeling . . . numb. At least I'm not anxious anymore, and I don't feel sad or mad or disappointed. Maybe this was the root of my anxiety troubles; maybe I just needed to get the truth out, to finally choose me. I feel at peace with myself, which is all that I need right now.