T/W Intense themes of Suicide and self-harm and intense hallucinations. This is a warning.

Kokichi's POV
Today was a good day. I haven't had fun like that since I was younger... When I was younger...

"Hey, mom I need to tell you something!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. He was standing behind me with the same smile he always wears taunting me. He won't leave me alone. I felt a shiver go up to my spine as I tried to suppress the feeling of fear I felt growing in my chest. He started to walk towards me making my heart stop. I looked at my mom silently pleading that she could make this stop.

"Sorry, I'm busy maybe some other time." She said as she continued to scroll through her phone. I can't believe that I thought she would help me. I'm so useless that I had to ask someone who doesn't give a shit about me for help...

"Ok," I said before I walked out of the room and went to my room slowly closing the door. I slid down the door and let the tears begin to fall down my cheeks.

Hello Kokichi~

He's already here... he leaned over my shoulder and whispered into my ear placing his hands on my sides.

You know you look beautiful Kokichi~

I would love to see your beautiful self get all cut up~

...

I was shaking all I could do is cry. I had to keep myself quiet to not bother others with my worthless problems I couldn't deal with on my own... I silently sobbed into my arms shaking in the corner of my room slumped against the wall. I was so exhausted. I was so done.

I'm done with doing the same shit every day.

This is where it ends.

I walked into the bathroom and started the bath. The water started to fill the tub I just stared at it with a blank expression. This is it. This is where my pitiful existence ends. I hope this makes you happy.

I pulled out my razor out of my pocket and did a number on my arm and grabbed my notebook off my desk and walked back over to the tub.

-???-

He touched me again the hallucinations are getting worse. Why is this happening?
Didn't get much sleep last night I cried and shook all night too scared to close my eyes because of nightmares.
59 cuts on both arms.
27 cuts on both thighs.
They are deep.
I'm doing this to make others happy because they won't have to deal with me anymore.

It stung as I got in the water in my tank top and shorts. It burned as my body slipped into the hot water. I closed my eyes and let my breathing slow as the water around me turned blood red.

This is it. I always hoped it wouldn't come to this but I just can't do this anymore. This whole thing is breaking me... I'm so done with all his torment. All the pain. All the loneliness. I guess I did never find the person I was looking for. Maybe it's better that way. I would only be a burden on them...

I felt my body slump I felt so weak as the water was around me making my body feel so light. The pain from my open wounds faded away as it all stopped.

Is this what it's like to die?

"Kokichi! Get the hell down here you need to do the damn dishes." I opened my eyes feeling dead. Why now? Can they just let me die?

"Alright!" I yelled the best I could voice sounding broken and hoarse. I groaned slowly sitting up the pain of being alive making all my nerves scream from the pain from my open wounds. I got out of the tub and bandaged my wounds before changing into a baggy sweatshirt and skinny jeans.

I walked downstairs trying to mute my screams of pain as I walked. It hurt so bad to move but I wouldn't want her to think that she has to care about any of this...

"Why did you take a shower now?! Have you gotten your homework done?" She said looking at me annoyed. I should have never bothered to try and ask for help. Cause all I get is the same... disappointment from me being a screwup...

I washed the dishes before and after dinner. I barely ate that night or any night for that matter. I felt so dizzy from blood loss and malnutrition... I felt like dying. Why can't I just die? I can't even do that right...

I woke up on the other side of the bed with my hand in Shuichi's. I pulled mine out of his the feeling of loneliness and disappointment overwhelming my thoughts...

I sat up on the bed and looked towards the bathroom. I should punish myself... I don't deserve to be here... I'm just making them all suffer... I felt some tears run down my face as I saw it...

They were all laying on the ground hurt or mangled in some way making me flinch. I knew it was another hallucination... but I couldn't bring myself to wake Shuichi up. I was frozen in fear.

Kokichi how could you do this to me.

All you do is hurt us.

See what I look like now! It's all because of you!

You pathetic loser

You don't deserve to be happy when you did this to me!

You left me alone and let this happen!!

WHY COULDN'T YOU BE THE ONE WHO DIED!

WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!

JUST DIE ALREADY!!

My head was screaming at me making tears slowly roll down my cheeks. Stop. Please stop this... I don't want this... I started to shake making my hands to hold my arms.

I don't want this. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!

Kokichi~

You know what you can do to make it stop~

No, I can't! Shuichi wants me to stay safe.

But you know it works. It will stop all the pain~

You can't stop it Kokichi.

It's what you want~

You can't live without it!

It's all that keeps you going!!

Yeah, you're right... I thought before I walked into my bathroom and grabbed the scissors off the counter.

...
I sobbed on the floor of the bathroom as I saw the blood dripping down my arms. I wasn't strong enough... I'm so sorry Shuichi! You deserve so much better than me.

"You should just leave me alone..." I sobbed holding my head in my hands crying harder not carding about how much noise I was making.

"I'm always alone..." More sobs came out of my throat.

"You shouldn't love me..." I said before I swung my head back and cried some more. I didn't care that my head hit the wall hard. I didn't care that my arms ache. I don't care that I'm hurting. I just want to be done...

"Kokichi?" Shuichi asked walking into the bathroom rubbing his eyes. His hair was a mess. He looked like he just woke up. I felt guilty that I woke him up but was too preoccupied with the feeling of despair clouding my thoughts. He shouldn't be here... He could be sleeping right now instead of worrying about me.

"Kokichi?!" He gasped when he saw my arms and the bloodstains on the floor. I managed to not get any of the blood on my shorts. I took my shirt off before I started so it wouldn't make more laundry for Kirumi...

"I'm sorry." I choked out in between sobs. He immediately snapped out of his tiredness and rushed over and started to bandage my arms whispering soft reassurances in my ear.

"You don't have to be sorry ok. It's ok to have a slip up now and then. Just let me know when you feel like this next time ok." He said placing kisses on the fresh bandages before he kissed my forehead. He lingered there for a moment making me shiver and calm down a bit. My sobs soon became small hiccups. He pulled me into his chest whispering loving things into my ear to calm me down while his hands rubbed my back. I leaned into his touch. I let my exhaustion take over letting my breathing slow and my body slump into Shuichi's arms.

"I'm sorry for waking you up..." I said feeling my eyes slide closed before I opened them again trying to stay awake.

"No, it's ok Kokichi, if you want to wake me up for any reason I would never get mad at you." He said softly into my ear placing a sweet kiss on my neck before he rested his head on my shoulder.

"If you want to talk or feel scared or anything you have my permission to wake me up." He said before he picked me up gently making sure not to touch my wounds. He walked me over to the bed again and tucked me in the blankets before sliding in beside me slipping his arms around my waist holding me close to his chest. I let out a shaky breath and smiled. Thank you, Shuichi. I don't know if I will ever be able to thank you enough for helping me this much...

I love you is the last thing I muttered into his chest before I fell back asleep.

-sorry for making this so sad... I hope you all are having a great weekend. Thanks for reading!-

-ShuichiOuma010-