My room was the one place where I felt I could be in control. Not fully in control as my mind does have some special things that make it difficult for me to be in complete control of this body.

It was still before the morning announcement and I noticed something off about the room.

There was a notebook placed on my bed. On top of all the papers and other nonsense that was sprawled upon my bed, there was a notebook neatly placed on the top. As a cherry on top of a Sunday- but the Sunday looks like a pile of trash and the cherry is the one thing that looks put together on the whole pile.

What the hell? Now that I think about it, that notebook wasn't there before. It isn't a part of my files. It isn't a part of my plans. And it definitely isn't a journal of mine...because let me be honest here.

How can someone put their thoughts on paper and not expect them to be found out by someone sooner or later?

Curiosity drew me closer to the notebook. I have always been a curious person, but sometimes to a fault.

A black checkered pattern covered the front and back cover, but the white binding was what held it all together. The notebook didn't have a title. It just had the numbers "310310303 033 5503" along the white binding on the edge.

This made the numbers stand out, but what I felt when I looked over them was a twinge of regret and nostalgia. The numbers were in my handwriting, but I had no recollection of writing these specific numbers on this specific notebook.

Dread came over my shoulders. Is this possibly another motive Monokuma is planning? If so, why is it a notebook that is vaguely familiar to me? Is it from before? Wait I get it now. This must be from before I was put into this situation...and I guess that whatever is written in this notebook will give me some reason to hide this information.

Knowing this the right decision would be to look inside. Maybe. Possibly...it's better to know than to just have knowledge of the information.

Sighing to myself I took the notebook and opened the cover. The writing on the cover was the first thing my eyes were drawn to. "Maybe my brain is something you don't want to understand. No one in their right mind should cause I am not someone for the faint of heart to understand."

Confused by the words I looked over the notebook again. By feeling the pages in my hand I could tell this notebook must have been full of writing. I assume this is a journal of some kind...maybe more accurately a diary.

But why would I write a diary? Why would I document my thoughts? Was I really this stupid before the game?

I sighed to myself and decided it would be best to look over the notebook to understand better what exactly this was and why it was given to me specifically.

...

" ???

People in this world are either in need of your help or cause you to need help some someone. People like to fuck with you all the time and sometimes even cause you to want to die just to end all the pointless and shitty stuff going on in your own head. People always tell you they are sorry. Sorry? This always ends up making you angrier at their words and at everything around you. You're so lonely.

???

Everybody who tells you that no one would ever love you for anything other than your body. They all ask you why you have such low self-esteem and that makes you want to scream at them. Maybe the blood that your scream will cause will make them understand. Make them understand that it is all because of all the people who have caused you pain. But you just have to stay silent. Because you know what they are going to say. You are over exaggerating, you are a drama queen, you are a loser maybe that's why you are so depressed. You aren't hurting. Everyone else is hurting and you are just hurting for attention.

???

You begin to lie all the time about who you are and what you have been through exaggerating the details to try and get them to all notice you. Because even if they all hate you they still see you. But this only causes you to be more alone. They tell you to try and be more positive about yourself so you can make yourself happy. But you don't want anyone to think you are worth something, because if they do they will kick you down again to put you in your place.

???

Your thoughts are full of death, screams, and a world of pain. But you can't say that. Just lie. Like you do. Because you will never be anything more than a liar. But death calls to you as some kind of "happy ending" because death brings closure. Life just prolongs suffering. So lie about wanting to die. "I want to live! I am amazing! You are a person with power! You are a leader!"

???

I wish I could stop myself from talking all the time. From telling all these lies for attention. I wish I could just SHUT THE HELL UP! No one wants to hear your talk, no one wants to hear your lies, no one wants to hear you! Just go fucking mute and die.

I'm done with my pathetic ass. So best to just mark up my skin as this is the only way I am able to give myself closure. Marking the pain as complete.

???

DIE DIE DIE DIE just stop eating and gaining all this weight that just makes you so much more REPULSIVE. PLEASE please please just stop hurting me. You cause me so much pain. Why...why do you hurt me so much. Just KILL me if you hate me that much!

???

There is nothing left for me here. She was killed in front of me my best friend. Hit by a car that I couldn't stop...people didn't care though because she was just my mind taking pity on me. Giving me a friend before just taking her away.

I think this is goodbye, maybe this time. This time I will finally die.

..."

Was this who I was before the game? Why does this feel so familiar? The static in my mind slowly increased in volume. It was so loud! I need something to shut it up...maybe I can just cause my skin to bleed...blood can help right? I mean it did before so it can again? No, I can't go back to that...I have made progress. right?

The ending of the notebook was a description that was almost dead on of the past couple of days. Starving myself, the constant nightmares, and the cutting...of course, it has to be in here as well. Because I was the one who wrote it.

The voices are so loud. Screaming at me.

Liar

What are you even here for

Untrustworthy

Lunatic

Killer

My vision starts to darken. This mask I wear is just a lie. I really am just a liar...

Sure I didn't see my life taking this direction when I was growing up, but god, mother nature said "fuck that" and here I am. Life is a motherfucking bitch.

Moving around my room I tossed the notebook into an open box on the other side of my room. I looked over the papers and boxes that were sprawled out all over the floor and on my bed- and basically on anything that was sturdy enough to hold papers.

I mean this is how I have always been. Organized chaos. That is the best way to put it.

I can find and give the location of anything I have in my room, but to any onlooker, it seems as though the whole room has no organization whatsoever. Almost as if a tornado of my thoughts came through and made the idea of this being an organized space almost impossible to understand.

I shuddered a bit. Monokuma made it so the only way we could know what time it is was by the morning and nighttime announcements. But thanks to that whore bitchlet Miu- I have a clock of my own so I know what time it is.

2 am was approaching fast. I have gotten no sleep. My eye bags are going to start being noticeable. I really need to stop staying up past 1 am. I know that if I stay up past one I won't be getting any sleep whatsoever- but here I am still staying up all night.

But then again who would be able to sleep in a killing game?

Scream

The situation came back to my mind with that scream. The agonizing reminder that in this killing game nothing was to be safe anymore. Not even your own living space or in other words my dorm room. I know that this whole bullshit game is just to get us to kill each other or to drive us insane...or both.

Shaking my head I went to investigate where the scream came from. This could be a bad decision- but no one is usually up and screaming this early in the day.

I walked to the bathroom where the scream originated from. Walking in slowly making sure to be aware and cautious of my surroundings. Each step branded my movement into the carpet that was on the floor. Nice padding to cushion my steps that were slowly becoming heavier and more labored. Almost like the smiles, we wear when we are all gathered together for breakfast...it is the cushion to the cold and harsh reality of this.

We are in a killing game after all.

Looking over to the shower before moving my eyes towards the door. Scanning the room over to make sure that I wasn't mistaken about that sound. That scream. Shivers ran through me at the reality of it all. We are all trapped here. I am trapped in my body already so this killing game is just overkill.

The mirror. There was a figure standing on the other side. This would have made sense if I was in front of the mirror and that figure was staring back at me...but I was standing by the door. I almost did a double-take before I shook my head. That can't be someone right? Maybe I am just losing it...Nothing new though. Seeing random things such as corpses or people in pain was something normal for me, at this point.

My brain is beyond fucked.

I step towards the mirror to see myself looking back at me. He is smiling at me. Stepping back reflexively my anxiety started to spike. That person in the mirror is not me.

"Hi, Kokichi~," Surely enough this was the one part of me I wouldn't miss seeing. Koma Kichi. The other side of me that was embodied. The other side of me that I once called a friend. Funny fucking joke brain. I do not have friends.

"Have you finally got some sense and found out that you are not wanted here!" He clasped his hands together and I just groaned. Dealing with this mess of a human being is something that I have always loathed.

"That's nothing new dumbass. Duh doy," I rolled my eyes so hard I thought my eyes were going to fall out.

"W-wow~ So you already know~ NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU!!" He yelled, blushing and shaking. I just gave him a deadpan stare- fucking masochist.

"YOU ARE SO USELESS NE HE HE" He laughed holding his face with both of his hands as he blushed even more. If that was possible at this point.

"Well, I know that~ But you need to go back to the hell hole you came from you psycho." I bitterly spat at him. He shuddered and for a split second I thought he was going to react normally, but everything I have learned up until now is that he, ehem, Koma is all the things I resent about myself putting on a showcase of reasons of why I should hate myself. Or even taking it a step farther...why I should be dead.

"You know I am your only friend~ Everyone hates you" I flinched at his words. He is right about that. I am my only friend.

No one would want to be friends with a liar.

"You know it's the same as I. No one WOULD EVER LOVE YOU IN THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO!" He faded into the darkness of the mirror only to be replaced by the faces of the people who were trapped here, the same as me.

First, it was Momota and Harukawa. Then the rest soon followed. They said all the things I have heard before. You know the typical "You are so annoying!" and "You are a liar! No one would want to be around a liar." I brushed that all off because I frankly didn't care much for them. They were just like all the other blank slates that were at my old school.

Lastly, it showed Saihara. I felt my heart stop. This is going to hurt. I hate how he is able to make me feel things no matter how much I do my best to shove them down. Sure I lie way more around him...but he does make me be more honest to myself and present me with a choice. Keep lying to convince him and myself that I don't like him, or suck it up and be honest with him for once...But I won't let myself be that vulnerable- because that would be foolish. Definitely.

Why do I have to have feelings for some dumbass human...sure he isn't a dumbass, but god he has some weird effects on me.

His face pale and his expression bare. Looking like they took everything he had and tortured him. I wanted to get him out of there and let him recover- even if it meant that I was the one trapped there instead of him. Because this is who I am... I am loyal. To a fault.

Saihara looked up and spoke to me. There was a mark on his neck. There was a dashed line straight across his neck almost as if it was a guideline for someone who wanted to cut his head off. Wait a minute. This had to be Koma's doing. It has to be...right?

"You should have trusted me..." Saihara whispered before Koma came up behind him with a heated knife. The blazing metal threatened to come in close contact with his neck. I almost cried out but knew that when this comes to dealing with Koma it is best to stay silent. Best to lie and hide what I want to do according to my almost primal urge to protect the things I care deeply about. I was forced to watch in horror as Saihara's head fell to the ground as Koma moved his hands to gently caress the remaining part of his neck.

No

No no no!

NOOO!

Tears started coming down my cheeks as my hand clenched against the counter. Shaking, quaking, and quivering against the stress I was putting on it from holding in my urge to scream. The urge to cry out to him as if that would solve any of this.

"Isn't he just so much prettier without his annoying face" Koma almost looked like he was getting off to this? Which I am not surprised by...he is definitely in some ways worse than the horny cum dumpster Miu.

"How could you...?" The words left my mouth without much consent from my brain. Almost as if they were meant to be there whether or not I wanted them to be.

Hatred filled my glare as I looked at Koma through the glass of my mirror. This did not phase him in the slightest. Smirking while he disappeared into the back of the mirror just proves that. He did all of this to fuck with me.

"He killed him..." I killed him...Shaking overcame me as the sight of what I just saw sunk in. I am more of a person who handles a situation first and panics later. It can help in situations like this...if I am able to conceal the panic after the given situation. Because if I end up panicking in front of the others, the whole plan can be ruined just because of one weak link in the chain...one weak lie that can shatter even the strongest truths.

My eyes moved down to look at my own hands. Quivering with the pink blood that now covered them. It was the same pattern that it was on Koma's hands...so this must be Saihara's blood.

"N-No-" Enraged I punched the mirror causing it to shatter. Pink blood dripped to the floor as I let my hand fall to my side. I was rendered useless at this point. My body didn't want to do anything. My body didn't want to feel anything. All I could do was blankly stare.

My hands moved to pull at my hair as I screamed. The scream was harsh and ragged but held no tangible sound. A silent scream was all that could be heard.

Tears flowed down my cheeks almost as if the walls I have built up for years just crashed down. Causing the rubble to reveal this mess that is me.

I choked down the sobs threatening to erupt from my throat. I fell to the floor of the bathroom and shook with the tears that I had meant to suppress flowing down my cheeks and dripping off my chin. Hitting the floor with small drops almost unheard by the deafening silence.

This pure everlasting agony prolonged until the morning announcement came on. Breaking me out of the loop of self-torture indicating it was time to get up.

"Well, time to start another day..." My voice was scarce and broken from the events of before. I wasn't worried much about myself. I was more troubled that I let myself get to this point.

Getting up off the tiled floor of the bathroom and going to change I felt so drained. As if my energy was taken from me. Falling into the tile beneath my feet and becoming one with the floor.

I was standing upright, but each step became more labored and heavy. Almost as if the reality was coming down on me crushing my very being.

My clothes from the day before were covered in tear stains and the blood from my fist- This is definitely going to be something I will have to explain to Tojo-San. And by explaining I mean come up with a plausible lie that she would believe.

Taking off my clothes and throwing some new ones on. Making sure to bandage my hand that was cut up from the mirror. I also took the time to bandage my arm as my arms are usually the prime victim of my selfish needs.

Pain can calm. Lies can mend. But truth causes sorrow, a lingering depression that will never end.

Completing the look and to hide the cuts I put a glove on my hand before moving to sit down on my bed.

twelve more cuts were added to my arms and twenty-five cuts on my hand from the glass of the mirror.

I sighed and put my hand over my forehead. Is this what this life is supposed to be? The life of a liar?

"Ugh-" Pushing myself off the bed I made my way to the cafeteria. Not wanting to make my actions any more suspicious than they already must be. And not wanting those thoughts to linger. Because I am certain that they can kill me if no one else is able to.

...

I walked into the cafeteria with my usual mask on. I needed to do this. Not just to fool them, but to fool myself.

"Ne hehe it seems I happened to be the last one to show up~" I announced to my classmates sitting around the cafeteria.

"Maybe it's because I was up causing trouble, but who knows even I don't remember~" I grabbed a bottle of Panta and turned to Saihara.

"Ne hehe see you later Saihara-Chan~," I winked at him before leaving the room in a flourish. The noise of the room soon started up again as they all went back to their own conversations. The meaningless words they say to try to hide the fact of the truth.

The truth is that two people have already fallen victim to this game. And the truth is that none of us know when or who it will be when the game starts up again.

In a measure to avoid the static of my mind becoming too loud- I pulled out my safety measure. A blade. The one thing I knew that could cause just enough pain to silence the static. To silence the goddamn voices. And more importantly. Silence Koma.

I just wish this would all be over.

...

A day has passed since the infamous notebook showed up on my bed. I already missed breakfast today. I didn't feel like going to the dining hall to just present a show for people who don't give a shit about me. What the notebook said is getting to my head. I need to calm down and collect my thoughts.

I looked around for the notebook to re-read over the contents. I wanted to study it over more to see if I can remember any details up until right before I got here...to try to see if that can help me find an escape. Or at least helpful information.

I looked around my room to find no notebook in sight. Was I just hallucinating the notebook? Was it not really here...? No that can't be it. My bed was still surrounded by the few papers that fell over when I grabbed the notebook. So it was definitely real and not just my brain playing tricks on me.

So if it wasn't a figment of my fucked up imagination...Then where did it go?

"Upupu good morning students!!" Monokuma screeched over the intercom. This broke my focus and made me jump. Why the hell is he on the intercom now? It's not even the morning announcement.

"We have a new motive seeing as not that much killing has been happening." Monokuma continued.

"Since you have been so boring you get some more punishments punks!" Monosuke chimed in.

"Please don't let it be violent.." Monophine whimpered.

"The new motive is..." Monokuma Paused.

"Secret revelation!" Monophine beamed.

"We have found a notebook filled with secrets and if no killing happens today by 7 pm then its contents will be revealed!" Monokuma yelled once again.

Ah...a notebook. Bingo.

"Happy killing punks!!" Monokid added before the intercom shut off.

Of course. That's why it was on my bed this morning and why it isn't here now. It's random appearance caused me to read it over...just so Monokuma can now put me in the spotlight of our latest motive.

The notebook motive.

I only have until 7 till they all find out. They are all going to know...about everything. The abuse I have caused myself. My past life. The nightmares just keep getting worse. They will all know who I really am. Then that will definitely kill me.

I fell to the floor filled with despair. Wanting nothing more than to just smile and pretend this wasn't happening...but this was impossible. I am on the clock now. Every moment I am still breathing is another moment closer to them finding out about that damn notebook. The most damning evidence.

Why did I have to keep that record of my thoughts?! Why the hell did I think that this wouldn't be used against me?

Why today of all days- why me of all people. Monokuma really is trying to get us to kill each other. I mean I knew that...but being targeted by him makes this almost more real.

I ended up deciding that I didn't have enough energy to put my mask on to lead my famous dance of deceit. So I planned to skip lunch today.

We all meet up for three meals a day. But the lunch meeting in the cafeteria is more of a social event than a meal. Me missing lunch can't be that much of a big deal. I bet no one will notice if I was missing. They all hate my constant lying anyway so I am sure they will be able to get what they want. A nice breakfast without me. A good life without me.

Haha...

But after realizing that- I knew that some people would become suspicious if I failed to show up at all. I was already late so I would have to lie about why I was late. Lying just to make sure the possibility of someone giving a shit about where the hell I was and why I missed breakfast is completely off the table.

Best to take your issues and just get it over with. Letting out an exasperated sigh I was determined to make an appearance in the dining hall. Just to make sure that they wouldn't think I was murdered or some shit.

"There is no way to change anything now, just have to bite the bullet and approach them." Taking a deep breath and getting up off the floor. I wiped my eyes to look presentable. Taking off my shirt before making some marks on my torso to be able to have some energy to maintain my mask for the day.

I know deep down this isn't healthy. I mean anyone who looks at me would know that...but I have to keep this up. This is the one simple and quick way to get over these feelings I don't want to deal with, so I can go and show everyone how "fine" I am- or some shit to make them feel at ease.

Seventeen cuts were added to my torso.

When I was putting my blade away there was a knock on my door.

"Oma-Kun?" I jumped at the sudden noise, startled by the sudden sound. Concerned about who could be behind the door. Who would care enough to come to knock on my door or even bother coming to look for me? I hesitantly spoke.

"Y-yeah who is knocking at the Ultimate Supreme Leaders door at this hour." I tried to cover up my stutter at the beginning.

"It's me Saihara and I was just wondering why you haven't come out of your room at all today," Saihara said with his voice quivering. Why is he nervous? Shouldn't he be at lunch with the others- or more specifically the space idiot and murder girl?

With a shrug, I walked over to the door and opened it.

"I'm surprised my beloved detective came to check in on me~! How horribly sweet of you-" After I said that his eyes went down to my chest. Fuck. Realizing I wasn't wearing a shirt to cover all the wounds on my torso and arms my eyes widened. After the initial shock passed I slowly looked up at Saihara.

"I-it's not what it looks like~!" I laughed slamming the door in his face before rushing over to the bathroom shutting the door behind me. After a moment passed I heard the door open.

"Oma-Kun please come out." He sounded like he was about to cry. I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. Does this mean he cares about me? That isn't good. I can't let myself rely on others. I have to be independent...I can't risk him getting in the way of my plans. I need to just lie to get his worry off of me. I need to focus on ending this killing game, my feelings always come after.

"We can talk about this." Sniffling, he knocked on the door. There was no point for him to knock. I didn't have enough time to lock the door so my room was wide open. Almost like all my lies will be if he gets closer to me. I can't let that happen.

"I didn't know you were this bad at playing hide and seek Saihara-chan!" I laughed again trying to divert his attention from the damning evidence of my own self-hatred and worsening depression. He opened the bathroom door. I knew he couldn't see me because I was hiding behind the sink cupboard. And one of the perks of being small is that I am the master at hide and seek.

"Oma-Kun I know you're in there please come out hic Let's talk about this. Please, Oma let me in..." I sighed to myself, feeling overly irritated that Saihara felt this inclined to lie about giving a shit about me. There is a possibility he could care about me, I mean I am amazing not really but I can tell other people that as much as I want. But he shouldn't just because of how I am me. How I am a liar. Picking myself up off the floor, I reluctantly walked out of my hiding place.

"Why do you care? Aren't you and scum like me enemies? I am a leader of a super evil organization and you are a detective. Isn't that right mister detective~" I said hiding my bandaged arms behind my back even though that did nothing seeing as I had scars all over my torso and back as well as the fresh wounds I had opened before he knocked on my door. All Saihara did was stare.

"Saihara-cha-" Saihara cut me off by pulling me into a hug. I jumped a little from the sudden touch, but eventually, I reluctantly hugged him back. Wet tears fell onto my shoulder making the guilty feeling increase because of the words I said before. Small sobs escaped his mouth as he clung to me. I wanted to just tell him something that would make him turn away from me, but knowing Saihara he wants to find the truth and I just exposed my own lies so he is going to take this opportunity. I love that about him while at the same time I resent that about him.

"Hey, Saihara-Chan I'm ok alright. It was just a lie~ You don't have to worry about me~" I forced myself to smile even though it was becoming increasingly hard to smile in front of him.

He has a way of making me more honest. Whether I want to or not...my truth always comes out around him. Especially in the form of tears because my body is definitely more honest than my mouth is.

He suddenly pulled back from me. This revealed his agitated face. He looked frustrated, his face was all red and his nose was running from all his crying.

"H-how can you say that!" He yelled at me as more tears came down his face. I didn't expect him to yell. His words threw me off guard making it hard to collect myself. Which in turn made it impossible for me to tell a convincing lie.

"But I'm really doing fi-" Saihara put his hand over my mouth.

"Don't even say that! You matter! Maybe not to anyone out there, but you matter to me!" He paused looking away while the red on his face deepened. I was speechless. Saihara hasn't acted this assertive- well more aggressive than assertive- outside of a Class Trial.

"Don't talk about yourself like that... " He said, taking his hand off my mouth. I tried to speak, but no words came out. The mood of the room changed and I almost forgot how exposed I was. I looked to the side seeing my shirt laying on the edge of my bed.

"Sorry I lost my composure..." Saihara said, holding his hand over his mouth, his face still red. Baffled, I took a few moments to process what just happened. I walked over to my bed pulling on my shirt. This made me feel slightly more confident seeing as I was not exposing all my self-inflicted wounds.

I slowly turned back to see Saihara eyeing me with confusion. He looked worried. I can see why. Assuming he does care about me, I understand why he must be so shaken up. I stayed silent for a moment to collect myself before speaking.

"Hey, Saihara-Chan I-" I was cut off by an announcement from none other than Monokuma himself.

"Heyo ultimates pupupu now seeing how it is 7 pm and no murder has happened I will have to reveal the contents of this notebook," Monokuma yelled giggling uncontrollably after.

"It states,

???

People in this world are either in need of your help or cause you to need help from someone. People like to fuck with you all the time and sometimes even cause you to want to die just to end all the pointless and shitty stuff going on in your own head. People always tell you they are sorry. Sorry? This always ends up making you angrier at their words and at everything around you. You're so lonely.

???

Everybody who tells you that no one would ever love you for anything other than your body. They all ask you why you have such low self-esteem and that makes you want to scream at them. Maybe the blood that your scream will cause will make them understand. Make them understand that it is all because of all the people who have caused you pain. But you just have to stay silent. Because you know what they are going to say. You are over exaggerating, you are a drama queen, you are a loser maybe that's why you are so depressed. You aren't hurting. Everyone else is hurting and you are just hurting for attention.

???

You begin to lie all the time about who you are and what you have been through exaggerating the details to try and get them to all notice you. Because even if they all hate you they still see you. But this only causes you to be more alone. They tell you to try and be more positive about yourself so you can make yourself happy. But you don't want anyone to think you are worth something, because if they do they will kick you down again to put you in your place.

???

Your thoughts are full of death, screams, and a world of pain. But you can't say that. Just lie. Like you do. Because you will never be anything more than a liar. But death calls to you as some kind of "happy ending" because death brings closure. Life just prolongs suffering. So lie about wanting to die. "I want to live! I am amazing! You are a person with power! You are a leader!"

???

I wish I could stop myself from talking all the time. From telling all these lies for attention. I wish I could just SHUT THE HELL UP! No one wants to hear your talk, no one wants to hear your lies, no one wants to hear you! Just go fucking mute and die.

I'm done with my pathetic ass. So best to just mark up my skin as this is the only way I am able to give myself closure. Marking the pain as complete.

???

DIE DIE DIE DIE just stop eating and gaining all this weight that just makes you so much more REPULSIVE. PLEASE please please just stop hurting me. You cause me so much pain. Why...why do you hurt me so much. Just KILL me if you hate me that much!

???

There is nothing left for me here. She was killed in front of me...she was my best friend. Hit by a car that I couldn't stop...people didn't care though because she was just my mind taking pity on me. Giving me a friend before just taking her away.

I think this is goodbye, maybe this time. This time I will finally die.

...

So I guess this is happening. Who knew this would happen to someone like me. Anyway, like before I came here, I am going to keep an account of everything that happens.

Day- 1

Many people already hate me. I would have expected this since even before only a few people could tolerate me. I have to keep this up. I will end this and I don't want anyone getting attached to scum like me.

No sleep again, not surprised, to be honest.

Fourteen cuts on right thigh

Fifteen cuts on left thigh

Day 2-

I have to keep this up or people will suspect something. Who would want to know the real me anyway?

Everybody wants me dead. I can't say I don't want the same thing.

One long cut on my back and torso

Twenty-Three cuts on both arms

Day 3-

I can't take it anymore. I wish this would just end! There is only one person here that I would miss and he doesn't even know I'm alive. Anyway, why would he care about me anyway? Who would miss this??

Flashbacks tormented me all day today and I could barely leave my room.

I should probably start to eat soon.

Forty-Five cuts on torso and back

Two deep cuts on left wrist

Day 4-

Someone tried to kill me today. I'm not that surprised. I lost too much blood yesterday. It caused me to be delusional so I'm skipping today.

The nightmares occurred again.

Day 5-

Fifteen cuts on both lower legs.

running out of wrap. I will have to go steal some more out of the infirmary soon...

Hallucinations today have made a total of eighteen.

My eye bags have gotten worse and I will have to apply more makeup to hide them.

Day 6-

He said I would be alone forever. He is not wrong, but it still hurts like hell! Okay

He was in the mirror again taunting me torturing me. He must hate me.

Three cuts on the back of my neck.

The voices are so loud. Screaming at me.

Liar

You should have been killed

What are you even here for

Lunatic

Killer

The nightmares are getting worse. I find it harder to sleep at night.

I can't even remember the last time I fell asleep...

twelve more cuts added to my arms

twenty-five cuts on my hand from the glass of the mirror."

"That's all folks, some interesting stuff in here..." Monokuma stated.

"That was so gory..." Monophiane whispered.

"Well you all are probably wondering who this belongs to... and I will let you figure that out. To make this more interesting. Happy killing!!" He said with one final screech as the monitor shut off.

Tears were already pouring down my cheeks. Why did he do this to me? I never cry...but when he is here my body won't let me hold the tears in. Stupid. Stupid. Dumbass Saihara. Saihara went silent and pulled me to the bed before holding me in his arms. I was confused. More than confused. I was concerned, nervous, anxious, and embarrassed. I didn't want him to see me in this state. Correction. I never wanted anyone to see me in this state. So why...why did this stupid thing have to happen. Why does the timing almost make it worse?

"I'm sorry for not noticing..." He said, muffled by my hair. I wanted to push him away but my body was so weak. And the way he was holding me so gently made me feel safe. So unconsciously my body wasn't letting me move. I didn't dislike the feeling of being this close to Saihara, but my mind was being awfully loud. Louder with every passing moment of silence. Telling me that I should push him away and that I should be alone. It hurt. A lot more than it did when I was alone.

"It's alright I should have told you," I said, sobs threatening to burst out of my mouth. Why did I say that? I should have told him? I shouldn't have told him! He wasn't supposed to figure this out! No one was. So why now? Why why why?

He moved his hands to rub into my back and he brushed his head against my hair. The thoughts that could have sent me into a panic- which would make this worse than it already is- were silenced by this. I never knew Saihara was so touchy-feely when he gets close like this. Maybe it's just because he is worried I could die or something.

I rested my head on his shoulder and let myself relax. Some tears slipped past my eyes. Mostly because of how safe I felt. I haven't had this kind of close contact where for once I felt like I would be okay if I wasn't the one protecting, but the one being protected.

"I love you Oma-Kun..." His words were hushed but still caused me to raise my head.

"You...love me?" I asked. Does he want to be the laughingstock of the school? What if Saihara and I got into a relationship? What a joke! I mean this moment is nice or whatever- but let's be real here. Kaito would definitely hate him and Maki may even plot on murdering me because she genuinely believes I am manipulating anyone close to me.

I hesitated before I burst into laughter. "You love me? That's hilarious! You almost had me there! Nishishi-" When I didn't get a response from Saihara I paused. He was still crying and he just looked defeated. Wait a second. Was he being honest just now? I mean I can tell if people are lying and it doesn't seem like he is, but maybe it's not the problem of him being honest. Maybe the problem is I don't want to accept that he is being honest.

"Saihara...were you being honest just now?" I asked more seriously. He nodded and blushed more. Before I could react or even mutter a response he hid his face in my shoulder while his arms wrapped loosely around my lower back.

"Honest," I whispered unintentionally saying the words instead of thinking them. If he is being honest about his confession then maybe I can be honest with mine as well. Well, at least what I understand about my feelings towards Saihara.

"I like you a lot too Saihara-Chan." Saihara pulled back from me and moved his hands to hold the sides of my face. This trapped me in his gaze letting me only look up at him. He wore a small smile with a few tears falling out of his eyes.

"I'm glad you're still here." He said before leaning down and putting his lips to my forehead. I blushed and froze. Shit shit shit- usually I can be confident in these situations and just laugh it off. But I can't do anything! I'm frozen with him this close to me. I didn't expect this to happen after my whole notebook was exposed.

I opened my mouth to say something but he just shut me up by kissing me. He seemed confident about this. It made me feel more comfortable accepting that this was true and not just him trying to convince me to continue on living after this. I never thought this would happen and it's like a dream come true. Well in the sense that I'm so surprised that this is actually happening that I can feel myself silently panicking at how cute Saihara is right now.

"You are adorable," I said looking at him. His eyes widened a bit as his blush became a slightly darker shade of pink. "I'm not...sorry I Uh-" he blushed more as he tried to explain why he was sorry.

"No need to be sorry Shumai~! Thank you for coming to check on me!" I slowly pulled him off my bed. He was still flustered so he was a little slow to react. Laughing more at his flustered behavior I pushed him to the door before I gave him a quick kiss.

"I will see you later Saihara~" I cooed before I gently closed my door.

"What the fuck just happened?" I felt my face inflame. Why was he so cute just now? Why did he do that? What did I do? AHH! I don't know what to do! I feel so embarrassed right now...but what does this mean? Saihara and me being together will just be bad news for him. Well for the other students he was close to...because one of the many differences between him and I is he has friends at this academy. And I frankly do not.

. . .

The nighttime announcement already went off and I was alone in my room. I started to twitch and could feel another spasm of painfull sensations about to happen. Jeez. I hate how scared this makes me feel. I hate it. I hate this. I want to just-

Saihara.

Can I trust him?

Would it be clingy or weird or moving too fast if I went to his room? We don't have to do anything of course- because I know I am not ready for that sort of thing. Sure I joke about it, but that kind of intimacy freaks me out. I would never say that of course. Not out loud anyways.

I sighed, feeling an overwhelming chill. Would it be okay to just go to his room?

It took me an hour of panicked pacing to work up the courage to walk over to his dorm. The dormitory is so empty at this time of night. Well in the sense that people aren't walking around outside their dorms.

I wonder if anyone figured out it was me. Some of the words in that notebook were a dead giveaway. I would be surprised if no one was able to find out that I was the one who wrote the pained words in that cursed diary.

I jumped a bit and almost tripped down the stairs when I felt someone blowing air on my shoulder. I knew it wasn't real, but that doesn't mean that when shit like this happens I am not scared out of my mind. I covered my mouth to muffle my screams anytime I heard a noise.

I felt more afraid than I have in a long time and I don't like it. The fear of experiencing another attack and the fear of trusting Saihara were both competing against each other to see which one would make me crack under the pressure.

I knocked on Saihara's door. The more time that passed the more I ended up panicking. I tried to keep a smile on my face, but I am certain at this point it looked more like a nervous expression with a smile that was out of place.

It felt like I was waiting for years instead of seconds. I was met with an exhausted Saihara. His eyes were droopy and he looked like he would pass out at any second. It was honestly terribly cute to see him like this. A blessing in disguise that's for sure.

"Hey, Saihara-Chan, I was just making sure you were ok. It's not like I was scared or anything." I rambled moving my hands as I spoke. I was too scared to fully lie- but it still comes out like that.

I was only pulled into his room and felt the warmth from his embrace. "Shu-Saihara-chan," I stuttered, suddenly embarrassed by the sudden contact. What the hell? Just be confident! Why can't you be confident?

"Oma-Kun calm down, I know how your nightmares make it hard for you to sleep. I was actually waiting for you." He said in a soothing voice. I stayed silent because I was way too embarrassed to respond. I just couldn't get over the fact that Saihara is able to render me speechless. I can usually tease him to have that effect on him. But he switched the roles on me and now I'm just embarrassed and a little annoyed.

He probably knew this because after a couple of seconds he moved me over to his bed. Tucking me into the covers before he laid down beside me. My face was towards him and my body was awkwardly straight as I was trying not to invade his space. Usually, I wouldn't care if he was uncomfortable because of how close I was, but there was this odd mood that was overcoming the room that just made me way more hesitant to do anything.

I was more than grateful that it was so dark. This way he is unable to see my blush. Saihara moved his arms around my small frame and rubbed my back causing me to shiver. I let my body move closer to his own as our legs tangled together. I felt safe in his embrace. And the silence wasn't painful, it was a comfortable silence. Oddly enough I felt myself fall asleep.

...

"Oh, Kokichi~" I felt arms around me and knew that it was Koma without even looking at him. He is the only one who uses my first name with that tone.

"What is it now? Are you here to just deepen the wound?" I faced him and put my arms on his shoulders. This pushed him back so he wasn't pressed up against me anymore, but to no avail. Koma smiled, hugging me closely once more making my arms retract to my sides. He sighed softly as his eyes started spiraling.

"I just enjoy watching your pretty face get so distraught~ It's so beautiful~ It makes me feel so~ Ahh~" His moans made me feel disgusted because of how close he was to me. Because I could almost feel his arousal and it made me sick. I used all the strength I could muster to push him back and hold him and arm's length away from me.

He moved his hands to hold onto my own that were slowly tightening their grip on his shoulders. I felt myself shudder and jump back quickly holding my arms close to my chest.

"Dear god you are almost worse than Iruma-Chan." I scoffed, turning my head to the side so I didn't have to see the drool dripping down his chin.

Koma just moans a bit louder rubbing his legs together as some more drool runs down his chin. He is way worse than Iruma. Definitely worse than Iruma.

"No correction, you are way worse than Iruma-Chan you damn sadomasochist." I let my eyes close while I held my hand to the bridge of my nose. Koma is just a never-ending headache.

"Ah well if that's all you see me as~ Then that's your choice!" He moaned, making my eyes lower with disgust. Sometimes I wish he wasn't just so horny. It is difficult to talk to him in any sense because he is just so turned on by literally anything relating to pain or depreciation.

Koma blushed and went to hug me again. I made sure to keep my arms extended to hold him back from hugging me. I don't want this to go any farther than it has to. Before I was able to completely push him away from me I felt a prick in my back. Only to look into Koma's eyes to see how endearing his gaze was I knew what this was already. I let out a small yelp before I was able to suppress my reaction because this is Koma I am dealing with. He gets off to any reaction.

"Remember no matter what I'm always going to be a part of you~ I love you Kokichi~," I noticed that he had a tube running from whatever he stabbed into my back. I assume it is a needle as that is his favorite thing to use to get what he wants...blood. I felt my face flush at the sensation. I hate how my body reacts this way...but Koma is right. He is a part of me. Even if that part is one I want to suppress and forget about. He is a part of me.

The needle slowly filled with my blood. Koma looked ecstatic watching the blood leave my body into something that was in his hand. After the needle was finally full of blood I moved my hand and quickly pulled it out of my back and shoved Koma back. Koma falls to the floor and doesn't even look up at me.

"Yeah yeah, now get the fuck out of my sight. I don't want to deal with you right now. You can torment me later." Koma doesn't even make eye contact with me as I drop the needle and let the glass shatter on the ground. My pink blood stained the floor as it spread on the white floor.

Koma looks distraught as he starts to blankly pick up the pieces of the needle. Before he moves to lick up the blood on his hand. The piercing side glance made me flinch. I was able to stand my ground regardless.

"Haha ha...okay." He smiled blushing as he tasted my own blood. I shuddered at this. Why is he like this? Why am I like this?

What is happening?

Koma disappeared before me and I was left alone in the white void. Why the hell do I have such odd nightmares? This honestly doesn't make me feel well-rested at all.

"Oh hello, darling! I missed you!" Koma runs over to me, knocking me over. I flinch as I fall onto the ground, but jump when I notice Koma hugging me while I am on the floor. I groaned before I glared at him doing my best to push him off. But to no avail.

"Why are you here?" I closed my eyes for a moment while Koma moved to press his cheek against my face. I tried to flinch away but seeing as he was above me and the floor was below me there wasn't anywhere to flinch away from him.

"Because I'm always here silly! This is your mind after all~" Koma blushes and kisses the side of my face making me harshly roll my eyes. Why is he doing this? I know he is obsessed with me in the worst way possible but this is just getting on my nerves.

Koma looked as if he was going to speak again, so I took my hands and covered his mouth. Not wanting to hear his annoying ass I am so hopelessly in love with you voice.

"Right right..." I was finally able to push him off of me so we could sit across from each other. Instead of him being painfully close to me.

"Oh look at you~ You look so hopeful that this relationship will work out!" I blush without even thinking about it, but I suppressed it as quickly as it came. But knowing Koma he saw the little slip-up and slowly made an air heart with his finger.

"What are you talking about?" I looked at him confused, pretending not to know. I could see his face get a bit red because of how irritated that made him. He hates when I do this purposefully. But right now I don't want to feel like he is in control.

Koma leaned in closer to me and smiled with a blush soon coming to his face. I flinched back a bit not wanting to be close to him. He reminds me of how much I hate myself and how afraid I am of what I could become if I am unable to control myself.

"You and that boy Saihara~ It won't work out, you know." I didn't say anything. I just stood up and turned the other way. I know everything about him as he knows everything about me. I know he doesn't like being ignored. So I will do just that. Ignore him.

"You are unloveable, We both know that. So stop playing dumb~" Koma smirks moving to stand close to me.

I don't say anything. I felt Koma grab onto my shirt to make me face him. I wanted to pull away or even try to get myself to wake up so I wouldn't have to deal with him.

"Just say something you stupid asshole! SPEAK UP DAMN IT!" Koma shouts at me. I hold my ground and just stare at him blankly.

"Not going to talk then? Well, I'll make you talk then~" Koma moved his hand down to his pocket making my eyes widen. What the hell does he mean by that?

"Wait! What are you-" I gasped a bit, feeling my fear become harder to control. Koma soon pulls out a needle full of some black substance while the other hand holds a box cutter with old bloodstains littering the blade.

"You lying bastard! DIE!!" Koma screamed. I wanted to run away or do something, but it was too late.

...

I woke up in a semi-delirious state. Warm arms embraced me making me feel that same sense of safety that comes with Saihara-

"S-Saihara-chan..." I said quietly, my voice carrying my exhaustion.

I paused when I opened my eyes and saw Saihara's tear-stained face. Why is he crying? Did I talk in my sleep again? Did he have a nightmare as well? Maybe this is from before. I did cause him to become pretty shaken up.

"Saihara-chan what's wrong?" I said, moving my hands to his face to wipe away the tears. I want him to feel okay. I feel kinda bad that I woke him up...assuming he woke up because I woke up from that nightmare.

"I- I'm so sorry... I wasn't able to be there for you... You were-" Saihara was cut off by his own sobs. I stayed silent and moved closer into his chest in an attempt to comfort him. The way he relaxed against me made me feel some sense of accomplishment for calming him down.

"Not to worry my beloved~ You are stuck with me, I'm not going anywhere~" I smiled and soon moved up to look him in the eyes. He blushed a bit at this before I slowly closed the gap between our lips. Kissing him once more.