CHAPTER TWENTY || IS THERE EVER A GOOD DECISION?

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Darkness consumed the room as the sunlight disappeared, Alex sat next to Maggie as the group relaxed for a moment. Beth sung. Her voice bringing a sense of relief to the group yet Alex was still as consumed in her thoughts. she was stuck, stuck in her thoughts. stuck between 'fuck it' and 'what if'

Beth's gentle voice did calm Alex's raging heartbeat, she tried purely focusing on the sounds around them rather than what plagued her mind. when she felt a gentle tap on her arm. looking to her side, Maggie offered a small smile. the farmer's daughter having noticed Alex's blank expression as she stared into nothingness.

Rick walked down the stairs a sleeping Judith protectively in his arms. The sight of her uncle and cousin made her thoughts still for a moment as she smiled. Rick smiled down at his daughter, the love in his eyes strong as he smiled. Alex hadn't seen him seem so content in such a Long time, The way he held Judith, the way he looked at her It almost seemed like no time had passed, Like that was Carl as a baby. a smile tugging at her lips as her eyes shifted to Carl, remembering him as a baby. She was thankful, thankful for Rick, Judith, Carl.. and everyone.. Her eyes drifted to the bottom of the stairs where Glenn sat alone, sipping water from a cup, his eyes glued to Alex.

Glenn's mind had been racing since they'd last spoken, the unknown was what scared him. The fact he didn't know why Alex had reacted the way she had. why she hadn't spoken to him since. his brain desperately trying to figure out if he had done something wrong. 

"everyone's looking for someone to blame" Beth sang, The world making Alex look away from Glenn. rubbing a hand over her face the mixture of emotions she felt something she'd never experienced before. She felt like she was drowning, and no amount of thrashing against the water could help. she was drowning, the overwhelming crushing fear that something terrible was going to happen, dragging her deeper beneath the surface. 

In a world of such danger and uncertainty the main thing, the main person that consumed her mind was sitting across the room from her. As much as she hated it, denying the truth doesn't change the facts.

**

The next morning, Rick, Daryl and Hershel had left the group to speak to The governor leaving Alex and Glenn to watch over the remaining members of the group, Watch Merle. Alex had left her cell with her rifle to go and be on watch.

In all honesty, she didn't trust herself, Not with Merle. the anger she felt each time she looked at him made her blood boil, she couldn't look at him without feeling what she felt in those moments, that helplessness that came with hearing him hurt Glenn. the pain that radiated through her chest knowing there was nothing she could do to help him. or Eli. that feeling, that hurt her more than anything that had happened to her. 

taking a deep breath she continued pacing, up and down the fence the growling of the walkers that prowled behind the field that was once theirs filled Alex's ears as she shrugged off the pain that lingered from her wound before she heard a voice calling her name.

"Alex, you hungry?" Maggie asked as she approached Alex, a small bowl in hand as Alex's thoughts slowed. Her eyes flickered toward the brunette who had been making more of an effort with Alex in recent days.

"you brought that out for me?" Alex questioned in confusion as to why Maggie would've done that, Although the pair were beginning to see eye to eye Alex still felt a twinge of guilt for the comment she'd made when they first arrived at the prison.  Maggie's eyebrows raised as she handed Alex the bowl Glenn had put aside for her while the group had lunch.

"Glenn put it aside for you he doesn't like the fact you're out here after getting shot" Maggie answered, Alex looked down at the bowl a wave of sadness washing over her as she thought of the Korean man. his kindness. Her heart stung, She knew she couldn't give him what he deserved, he was too good for how sinful the world had become. and she'd been avoiding him again, it seemed to be a cycle, a cycle of pain, grief. but in all honesty, it was out of fear. Even if they hadn't spoken he was still thinking of her, still making sure she was okay, even in ways she didn't even understand.

"thank you" Alex offered with a small smile as she contemplated her previous decisions with the boy, and how deeply she wished Eli was there, how much she missed him. He always knew what to say, He always gave the best advice. She knew what her fears were, She knew what she was scared of and she knew what Eli would say; well what if things do work out, what if that could be a possibility? don't be scared of living.

"Everything okay? with you and him?" Maggie asked, In the midst of Alex's thoughts she'd zoned out. Sighing she looked toward Maggie, unsure of what she was asking. 

"huh?" She questioned shaking her head slightly wanting her thoughts to leave her alone. all she wanted was a break. it was painful, being stuck in the memories of your past. the past haunting you no matter how desperately you tried to escape it.

"you and Glenn? Are you okay?" Alex's eyes widened slightly as she looked toward the other brunette, the question lingered in Alex's ears... why would she think they weren't? 

"why wouldn't we be?" Maggie raised her brow knowingly, the look she sent Alex being one of she knew more than she was letting on. She knew something, Alex's heart skipped a beat when she realised. 

"Alex everyone else might be blind but I'm not." Her words made Alex sharply inhale, she knew. she didn't want people to know what was going on when she didn't even know herself. 

"I don't know what you're talking about" Alex stated picking at the small portion of food in the bowl as she contemplated what to say next, anxiety pooling in her stomach. 

"well, I'm not deaf either.." Maggie chuckled, Alex's face dropped knowing exactly what had led to Maggie finding out something was up between the two, clearing her throat Alex's almost choked on her own saliva in disbelief as her eyes widened looking toward the shorter brunette, who only chuckled. 

"it's not serious" Alex shrugged her tone of voice signalling she was unsure, trying to brush off the conversation and move on, ignoring the heat of her cheeks that had surely turned pink.

"looks pretty serious to him" Maggie shrugged having seen the way Glenn looked at her whenever they were in the same room, the way he admired her, silently comforted her. Maggie saw it all.

"If it's not, you should probably tell him that" She shrugged before telling Alex to enjoy her food, Maggie walked off Leaving Alex alone with her thoughts again.

"shit, what the fuck was that" Alex muttered under her breath, this isn't what she wanted to happen.

**

Alex stood at the end of a table, Everyone stood loading weapons, checking scopes and ammo as she focused on her own rifle. something about the atmosphere in the room felt familiar. reminding her of her days in the military, memories that seemed like they were from a different life, and in some way they were.

"Carl come here" Glenn stated, Carl walked over to him, Alex's eyes landing on Glenn and her cousin as Glenn handed him supplies to stash, Carl was eager to help, and Alex didn't mind it. as long as she knew where he was, knew he was safe. 

"if anyone gets pinned down we need to make sure they have plenty of ammo, I'll go work on the cage outside" Glenn's eyes Lingered on Alex, the worry in his eyes almost seemed permanent. in his mind she needed more time to heal, not be one of the main fighters of the group during a war with the governor.

"what we should be doing is loading some of this firepower, in a truck. and payin' a visit to the governor" Glenn stopped in his tracks, and both Alex and Glenn's eyes fell on Merle, the anger the pair felt shown clearly by the scowls on their faces.

"We know where he is right now" Merle shrugged waving his metal arm in the air while leaning against the wall, Alex took a deep breath trying to keep calm as Glenn stepped forward.

"you suggesting we just go in and kill him?" Glenn stated, his fist tightening around the jacket in his hand as he bit his tongue anger rushing through his veins, the memory of merles fist colliding with his face over and over again flashing through his mind. 

"yeah, she's got plenty of killin' experience ain't you Lex" That nickname. her heart felt as if it was being squeezed, the oxygen in her lungs dissipating as anger rushed through her veins, making her forget where she was.

"you ever call me that again. I'll shove this gun so far up your ass you'll see it when you brush your teeth" She didn't even realise what she had said until he chuckled. hands in the air.

"alright, sunshine alright." Merle chuckled, Glenn's hand on Alex's shoulder in an attempt to calm her outburst, scoffing she turned. Grabbing her gun from the table she left the room. Her hand against her chest, a familiar pain in the centre of her chest. the hole in her heart. One Eli had filled.

"Lex if you call me at 4 am too sad to even say hello, I will listen to your silence until you fall asleep."

"you're it. you're my person Lex"

"I don't care how many shit days you have Lex. I'll be there for you, you'll always be my best friend"

Eli was the only person who'd ever called her Lex, he was the only person she ever allowed to call her Lex. and the last time she'd heard that nickname. was a scream. the scream of her best friend. the scream of the person she loved the most. And to hear it come out of Merle's mouth made her sick.

**

AUTHORS NOTE || is anyone actually enjoying this story lmao? i have sooo many plans for it but i'm not sure if any Glenn stans actually exist anymore.

anyways thank you for reading! i really appreciate comments and love speaking to you all in the comments. if anyone came from street racers thank you so so much <3