I stood in my room but not the room that I currently knew of. It was my room when the walls were still pink and looked kind of empty-ish from when my family first moved into the house that I'm currently living in now. It was at night but the owls weren't hooting nor was the crows cawing. There's always some sort of noise coming from outside but there was none. Nothing felt right, even the air I was breathing in felt so sketchy. 

There wasn't a lot in the room. Just a small closet, wooden dresser and a bed with a blanket by the window overlooking out onto the streets. But my attention was drawn to the bed and to the lump that I can see underneath the blanket. Whatever it was, it wasn't moving or doing anything but I couldn't help myself in being curious so I walked up it. 

I stood next to the bed and I shivered, chills going up and down my whole body. It felt so wrong, my guts and instincts screamed at me to get away from that bed, get out of the room I was in, get away from there. But I didn't listened. I just ignored it and pulled the blankets down. 

My eyes widened, my mouth gaping a little and tears immediately started streaming down my face. I felt so much dread and fear just looking at my six year old self. The streetlight from outside illuminated the room a bit through the curtains and, for some reason, open blinds. The light lands on my younger self's thin, bony face that made shadows dance around and my face look even more deader than it already did. 

I took a step back and clutch my chest. My heart... It felt like something stabbed me there and the pain very, very slowly spread across my body. My knees trembled, tears and snot was going down my face. I was an ugly mess, I knew that but I didn't care. It was like that for what I felt like an eternity. It was a miracle that I didn't collapse down to the ground in a heap of tears and emotions. Then a bang sounded and the bedroom's doorknob started shaking.

I heard my dad scream out, "Why is the door locked?!"

Right when he finished that question, I felt like I was sucked to somewhere. I didn't know where but it was somewhere, everything was a blur around me and I felt at... peace. For the first time in my whole life, I felt peace. I kept being sucked to somewhere and I saw my cat, Beggar. I felt confused because he was dead but there he was, looking as fine as ever but... different. I knew he was my cat, he still looked like the old, big cat that I remembered but he looked happy and not in pain like I remembered. He looked so happy and at peace.

Whatever was sucking me to wherever, it stopped. it felt like there was a wall preventing me from going any further. Beggar came up to me, rubbed himself on my legs and purred. It felt so good to hear his purr again. He stopped, took a few steps away from me and meowed. There was a great, big suction taking me back to that room where the doorknob was still shaking and my dad still screaming. I was petrified. Everything that was happening was my greatest fear coming true. Going back to the time where I was a weak, sickly little child who couldn't even sit up by herself. 

I just broke down. I was crying, shaking, hyperventilating. I couldn't think straight. I just wanted it done, everything to be over with. The streetlight outside shown brighter than ever, lighting up the whole room and I was drawn to it. I was drawn to the sense of peace and safety it radiated. I could get away. I could get out of this horrible time period. I took a step forward but stopped. 

No... I don't want to leave... 

I don't know how but I managed to pull myself together, walk over to the bed and looked at my greatest fear in the eyes. I grabbed the blanket and yanked it off of her, myself.

"You shouldn't be laying here. You shouldn't be listening to Dad screaming. You should be up, walking to that door and letting him in. Don't isolate yourself from others. Don't trap yourself in the pain that others and yourself have caused for you to experience. Just go out there and make new friends and new memories. It's all on you if you meet a handful of good people or not. I promise, you will walk. You'll be able to sit up by yourself. You'll run. Jump even. I know how long you've dreamed of jumping! You just gotta fight for what you want, not what others want. Do it for yourself because I know you'll go so far. If you ever think of what the others tell you; go to hell, monster, lazy dog, starve yourself, crippled, go to the disability home... Think of someone else and how much pain that person also feels when having words like that directed at them. Think about staying on Earth until you find a purpose and if you complete that purpose, find another. Keep finding purposes until it's time and you feel so accomplished with what you've done. Please... For me?" I told my younger self.

She just stares at me. I knew she was thinking about how I know all of these things about her and what her dream has always been. The light outside grew brighter, tempting me to go to it but I just stay where I was standing. She gave me the tiniest smile and struggled with all her might to lift herself up. I felt so much fear and sadness watching her. She slid off the bed with a thud and I flinched. I wanted to help her so much but I was still so scared to do so. I think she understood what I was thinking because she lolled her head up towards me and slowly gave me a weak smile.

It was painful to watch. She slowly inched her way towards the door, the doorknob still shaking and the pounding bending the door a bit with each loud thud. She inched, wormed and slowly slide herself on the carpet floor until she got right next to the door. By then, my dad stopped pounding the door and shaking the doorknob. All I heard on the other side of the door was my dad whimpering and giving up. 

I wanted to cover my eyes but I didn't. I wanted to know what she'll do. She tried reaching up but the doorknob was too tall for her to reach without getting up. She pushes off of her hands a few times but lands on her side with a painful thud. Then, she gave a big push with her hands like half a jump and reached up to unlock the door before landing with another thud. 

The last thing I remembered before waking up was my younger self turning towards me, giving me the biggest smile I've ever seen on myself and mouthing, "I jumped."

This is my dream. It felt and looked so realistic that it never crossed my mind that I was dreaming. This is very personal and if you want to know the reason then you can ask me in private and I'll gladly tell you. My dream and my story. My oh... so... bittersweet story.