UNAPPROVED HARMONIC VERSION :(

Whatever, I self published it here anyways!

Watch Barbie: A Perfect Christmas With Me (And My Mum)

It is December, the Christmas month, and no Christmas is complete without Barbie Christmas movies. I decide to watch and review the Christmas musical Barbie: A Perfect Christmas (2011) for The Harmonic Christmas issue. I make my mum watch it with me in the spirit of Christmas. Christmas Christmas Christmas.

Mummy: There goes two hours of my life.

Me: It's only 1 hour 10 minutes.

Mummy: It's bad enough that I had to go through this with you when you were 8.

The movie begins with Barbie and her sisters Skipper, Stacie, and Chelsea in their expensive Malibu dream house. They're packing for Christmas in New York! Everything has no texture because of bad early 2010s CGI, but I don't mind. If you're thinking Barbie's youngest sister Chelsea should be named Kelly, Kelly was actually 'retired' and replaced in 2010. Kelly can now only be found in the Land of Discontinued Dolls... eBay.

The sisters are speaking Chinese, because I decided to watch the Chinese version to improve my Chinese. Unfortunately as soon as they start singing the first song I realise this is a big mistake. Because the one actress who voiced Barbie and all her sisters could not sing at all. Even I could tell with my poor pitch that she was completely off key. She also did not vary her voice for any of the sisters.

Mummy: This is cringe worthy. She sounds psychotic. It's like she's talking to herself.

We switch to the English version. Hearing children voice children is such a relief.

The first song, It's Gonna Be Amazing, begins! Barbie and her sisters are singing about how their holiday is gonna be amazing. It's pretty self-explanatory.

There is much rhyming and nice synth instrumentals. They can all sing but I realise I just inherently dislike children's singing (sorry, children). It's something about their strange, too-high voices. This is a bit of a troublesome realisation for a movie focusing on Barbie and her child sisters singing.

Skipper gets a solo in the quiet part of the song and does a slow motion jump. The jump was better than the signing. Everyone is spinning around, which further emphasises how their hair is solid lumps. Classic nostalgic Barbie CGI! There is an acceptably good title drop in the lyric 'it's gonna be a perfect Christmas'. I would like more harmonies, though the song does end with some descant-like melodic variations––very Christmas carol-y.

The credits then begin, accompanied by a bubbly guitar cover of 12 Days of Christmas before transitioning to Barbie and her sisters on a plane. It is a really empty plane, but I guess the budget is limited. Skipper is apparently one of those music kids who's always composing on her laptop with headphones on. The song she's working on is It's Gonna Be Amazing, a very nice touch. There is the first plot interruption! Their plane is encountering a storm and they have to go to Rochester, Minnesota, not New York.

We cut to Barbie driving her sisters to Minneapolis in a snowstorm. She is being quite passive aggressive and in denial about being lost. The snow animation is not bad.

Me: I think they're acting like realistic siblings but I am an only child.

Mummy (who is one of four children just like Barbie): They're not being realistic. They're too nice to each other.

Me: I didn't know arguing and encouraging your younger sibling to pee their pants was nice, but I guess it is.

They arrive at an inn and it is locked. Sleigh bells start jingling when they're ringling the bell because of course. The door is opened by a woman named Christie, who sounds insane and way too peppy.

"You're right on time!" she says cheerfully, in the middle of the night, in an inn in the middle of nowhere during a snowstorm. The horror movie is about to begin.

Nope, nevermind. They enter a warm foyer with glowing Christmas decorations. Christie runs this inn with her mysterious uncle, who is definitely Santa, and the Elif family, who are definitely elves. Wrap It Up, Stack It Up begins. It has a good bass line groove and the 'heys' and 'woahs' in this are almost as good as Taylor Swift's 'heys' and 'woahs'. It reminds me of Shake It Off but I might just be going insane. The presents they're wrapping up and stacking up are suspiciously oversized. I suspect this is an illegal drug operating ring.

Me: The presents have drugs in them. Or do you think it's...

Mummy: Body parts.

The sisters still believe they're going to New York instead of learning a heartfelt small town lesson about the true meaning of Christmas. They all go to bed in a room with four Christmas coloured beds.

Mummy: Where are their parents? Why is Barbie taking care of them?

Me: They died in a snowstorm just like this one... Santa killed them in a hit and run. Rudolph's nose is red with blood.

Mummy/Dr Aung: Or maybe he just has allergic rhinitis.

Barbie then goes wandering at night to observe the snow. Her purple sleeping eyeshadow matches her purple pajamas. She begins singing the next song, The Wish I Wish Tonight. We like Barbie's singing voice. I think every lyric in this whole soundtrack rhymes. The drums actually work quite well with the delicate marimba notes.

Partway through we see Christie spying on Barbie with a weird facial expression. If I can't have a horror movie, then I want a Christmas rom com starring Barbie, the busy city girl trying to bond with her sisters, falling for Christie, small town hotel owner and also Santa's niece.

Barbie: Did I wake you up?

Christie: No... I was already awake. *Evil smile*

Nevermind, it's definitely a horror movie. Christie encourages her to embrace the festive spirit and Barbie wishes for her and her sisters to have a perfect Christmas. Christie disappears, that witch.

Now it's morning. Christmas eve! Skipper says their flight is cancelled, uh oh. But then they spot reindeer! Chelsea claims to see them fly. They go outside to find the reindeer and we get a wide view shot. This inn is luxurious. Christie takes them to a winter dog park training thing in the snow. The dogs have antlers on, so they're the reindeer Chelsea saw.

This prompts my mum to remind me yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of our dog's death. RIP Daniel.

Chelsea has found an oddly proportioned husky puppy named Rudy. Did they try to design him to be cute? This makes him look like dough. Oh no, now he's running after a squirrel and Chelsea is being dragged along in his sleigh. The sisters go chasing after her. A guitar cover of Jingle Bells starts up. It's like something you would hear in a Christmas advertisement, so it's tolerable but sounds manufactured. The chase scene goes on for too long, but finally ends with a slow motion shot of their sleighs shooting off a snow ledge into the air.

They spot real reindeer, which they follow to a suspiciously isolated barn.

Me: What was that place where we got reindeer honey and reindeer pills?

Mummy: Canada.

The barn is filled with a crazy amount of presents. The icy temperature is perfect for keeping organs in prime condition before selling them on the black market. Everyone gaslights Chelsea about this being Santa's workshop. Now they're slowly trekking back to the inn and Stacie and Chelsea are arguing again. A snowball fight commences, followed by snowman building. I can't recognise the background music, which consists of guitar, claps, sleigh bells, and more delicate chimes. Presumably, it's generic Christmas stock music. But only the sleigh bells really make it Christmas.

I touched real snow once and it was hard and cold and melted and soaked my gloves in dirty water.

They spot a band practising in a random gas station. The band is conveniently missing a vocalist, so Barbie suggests Skipper puts on a Christmas Eve concert at the hotel with them, instead of the New York performance she was planning. Stacie and Chelsea begin preparing a dog show as the opening act and are still arguing. Skipper is having trouble making decisions but she won't let anyone else help her make the decisions. This is solved by a heart to heart with Barbie about how Skipper compares herself to Barbie too much but is 'Incredible just the way [she] is'.

There is yet another annoying squirrel incident. It's worse than the Ice Age movies. The stage is literally falling apart. Your infrastructure must not be very good if a squirrel can mess it up. Chelsea has also gone missing. Again. This is getting tiring. Of course, they find her and everyone is reconciling with a group hug. Will the Christmas concert still happen even after the squirrel destroyed the stage? Yes. At this point, there have been no songs in this 'musical' for ages.

Mummy: There aren't really that many songs.

Me: I would comeback with quality not quantity but there is not much of either.

Mummy: Taylor Swift is going to trial in a Shake It Off copyright case

Me: I wonder if my Swiftie intuition went off when I thought of Shake It Off just now.

It turns out the magical Uncle Santa picked up all the presents in the barn just in time to transform it into a stage. Stacie and Chelsea perform with the Cutetastic Canine Choir. The dogs don't actually sing; they spin around in circles to some generic circus music. No sleigh bells. Wait, yes, there are sleigh bells which came in just after I typed 'no sleigh bells'. Barbie is wearing a pink and green candy cane gown, while her three sisters are in normal, mildly festive clothes. Being overdressed is Peak Barbie.

Skipper sings her song! It's called Perfect Christmas and is the moral of the musical. I love the plain guitar riff and drum beat intro. The chorus build up is slightly underwhelming as I was expecting more of a rock vibe. Skipper invites her sisters on stage to sing with her and there is mediocre a cappella. A bit disappointing for the musical's title track.

The movie ends with everyone going outside to see a giant, fully decorated Christmas tree. Cue awe inspiring synth with a lot of reverb and a rendition of Deck the Halls. Guitars and drums kick in, along with the harmonising I've wanted all movie. Barbie and her sisters look at the camera and say merry Christmas in sync. It's quite creepy.

My mum gives it 1.5/5 Christmas stars. I give it double that at 3/5.

Me: Why did I like this so much as a kid?

Mummy: Because you had no taste.