Feb 2 2021

I haven't cut in 7 days which is great. I can't remember if I told y'all this but I did try killing myself in 8th grade in August and then twice this year in August and in September.

I'm doing better now I guess I'm not really sure I have a therapist now but I'm not sure if she's going to stay very long since I only have one visit and I'm out to her as well.

I cosplay and stuff I like cosplaying I guess..uhh

School is okay I'm failing I'm doing virtual which has caused me some anxiety but at least I'm not having panic attacks everyday like I used to whenever I went to school in person. I really like playing Genshin Impact and Projectsekai which is a Vocaloid rythym game.

I'm in Highschool and it feels unreal
I still feel like I'm in fourth grade I somehow cannot move pass elementary even though all of my friends and the people around me have grown up so fast and too fast as well.

I miss fourth grade even though I traumatized potato and all of my other friends as well. Basically teasing me for having a crush on him..it was fun back then

I'm still friends with sparklz and emotrashbag till this day which is epic and Potato is still around but I haven't talked to him in a year well technically two years but I only said a sentence to him.

Last year I fell into a deep depression, I was extremely suicidal and tried to kill myself thus having the consequences of going to the mental hospital. While I was there I got to travel between school and the hospital almost everyday anyways

When I was waiting outside for my next class (this was when I was in 8th grade) Potato came walking to help open the door since it was locked or something and I was kinda like scared and shocked I was like oh shit it's him I haven't seen him since 7th grade well I'd see glimpses of him but haven't talked to him since 6th grade. He tried talking to me first and said something which I can't remember now which is weird since I'd usually remember everything he would say to me but now I can't remember a word he said to me. I was really mean to him to whatever he asked and he was kinda confused..I didn't want to be mean inside my head I was thinking on ways to kill Myself and how badly I wanted to die.

I wanna go back and apologize for basically ruining his life as a kid but I always thought he was afraid until he tried talking to me that day.

Also his cousin that I had a crush on is super transphobic and makes me uncomfortable. I hate him..

Anyways Potato is of course super smart and getting good grades which I'm proud of I'm sure he's under a lot of stress and shit most of the times.

I wonder what he's been doing all this time since we haven't spoken since that day but I also don't because it'll basically be an insult to everything I've done so far which is nothing expect falling into a deep depression.
I'm glad that he's working hard though.

Anyways what's else? Oh yeah if you don't know Potato was my childhood crush and I basically stalked him and made him super uncomfortable as a child..well we would hang out a lot but maybe he was uncomfortable? Idk probably. Sparklz and emotrashbag are my two best friends and emotrashbag and sparklz were best friends until like a month ago because Sparklz did something and they won't tell me anything because both of my friends are pushing me away to the point where I'm gonna have no friends expect for Skittlz and other people.

Skittlz is my longtime online friend who deals with my shit, I love her.

Also emotrashbag 2.0 I saw him months and months ago too before potato had that conversation with me (emotrashbag 2.0 is basically like emotrashbag but a boy and is potato's friend.)

When I was walking out of the doors to get to class he walked passed me and said "oh look you're still alive" yeah right there broke me because at the time I was still going back and forth from school and hospital so me hearing that just made me feel like shit.
Fuck you emotrashbag 2.0

I'm not sure how he knew or rumors spread but basically I snuck a knife into school and sliced my arm up, potato's cousin told and I think he told  a few other people or some shit idk what happened nobody really talked to me about it but people were like still really nice to me and hung out with me which was cool anyways

I also quit playing roblox cause I got tired of it

Thinking about my Depression and stuff I really hope Potato never finds out cause I don't want him thinking of me as this lonely sad depressed suicidal teen which in fact I am BUT I want him to remember how happy and crazy I was expect without me giving him childhood trauma which I regret and I deeply apologize for it.

Anyways that's it so far, also I'm playing Pokémon go again AND I FINALLY GOT A FUCKING MAGIKARP AFTER 5 FUCKING YEARS And guess what

IS WAS A GOLDEN MAGIKARP HELL YEAH

I also really like Starbucks and Meg Gissle keeps calling me a basic white girl smhh (Meg Gissle is my favorite cousin, we used to go fishing and go to waffle house and I almost cracked his head open on a brick table but that's not relevant at the moment)

Oh yeah if you wanna learn a bit more about whatever the hell I'm saying and my backstory go check out my books

"Wat happened at school" -I wrote this in 4th grade

"Scorpio and Pieces" (I had a zodiac signs hyperfixiation for a long time don't judge me) -I wrote this in 5th grade

"What happened at school" -Wrote this in 6th grade

"G a y y y y y" -Wrote this in 7th grade honestly the shittiest one yet I've ever written

"A fresh new start" -Wrote this one last year, 8th grade

"Highschool" -The current one I'm writing in now, 9th grade freshman in Highschool.

Can't believe I basically documented my whole life on one writing fanfic website.

Edit: I almost forgot! Spicey_MemeZ has also been one of my longest internet friends too! Well on Wattpad at least...we rarely talk but they're so epic