As I grew up the bullying got worse. Much worse. It was very very bad and it cut a hole through my heart that I thought would never be filled. But then we moved. We moved to a tiny town called valley center Kansas, and started a new life. But that new life wasn't so new. No one bullied me but I was empty and reserved. I didn't like people and didn't want to let anyone in. Then I met him. The love of my life. I thought. He walked up to me and started to make conversation. He still doesn't know this but this was ultimately very very new to me. He was nice but honestly I was scared that he was gonna hurt me or make me play soccer with them. I couldn't play and I had. No friends. But he just talked happily about YouTube. I loved YouTube. It had become my stronghold long ago. He didn't know how much I wanted him to love me. I was desperate to the point where I was in the farthest depths of hell screaming for light to please find me and save me from this sick depression. He was my savior. My precious tiny ray of light in my deepest darkest hellhole that I wanted out of but I had no way out. He had mended a tiny bit of that deep set hole in my heart. Then he asked me out. With a note. It was sooo cute. I was so happy because I was so freaking desperate for love. I was clingy beyond recognition to him. And he probably still doesn't know that every time he was gone the abandonment issues played up. My heart gave up and I would have small panic Attacks and mental break downs at the thought that he left me. Then he broke up with me for the first time. He still might not know but that hole in my heart that was almost healed, gone. My heart shattered. I was done. To this day few people know how much I wanted to crawl back to hell and just beg the devil to kill me and take me from This harsh cruel world where my tiny ray of light ceased to exist anymore. I went numb for the rest of the day. When I got home dad was at a concert till tomorrow and mom was upstairs laying down. I cried. I cried for so long and so hard until I couldn't breathe. At school I wouldn't even look at him. I couldn't look at my ray of light for fear that it would blind me. I put up my walls. I was so done with this. If I could've stabbed myself I would've but I didn't know what suicide was at the time. If I did I would've been dead. Three days later he walked up to me and said, "hey". I didn't answer I just nodded for fear that I would cry again. He said "I'm done its just that I can't sleep and, just, will you please give me another chance?" The shattered pieces came back together. I nodded again. He said "just please don't do that to me again" he doesn't know how horribly furious I was. My head screamed"TO YOU?!?!? YOU MADE ME WANT TO DIE! TO KILL MYSELF! TO KILL YOU! YOU BROKE ME TO PIECES AND NOW YOU WANT TO TELL ME HOW I HURT YOU?!?!?!?!" But I was to relieved to voice it. My life was back. I could see my tiny Ray of light again. I could get by. After that we were just fine and comfortable in our relationship. Until one day he wasn't there. He didn't know but I still wasn't eating. I had anorexia but he didn't know. No one knew. Every time I looked in the mirror I wondered what he saw. What did he see. Couldn't he see that I was ugly? That I was fat? A disgusting hideous bitch? Depressed? Anorexic? Sick? Why couldn't he see me? I didn't deserve him! I didn't deserve love! Especially not from a wonderful attractive special kind boy! I didn't deserve it from my own brother! What did I do? What did I do right or deserve him? Why was he so kind? To me?! To the friendless,clingy,ugly,fat,depressed, BITCH?! Why? He was gone though, sick probably. And then the abandonment issues started and my breathing sped and I couldn't speak and I felt like passing out. When I spotted two girls. One had brown hair and blue-green eyes. The other black hair and batman earrings. I didn't know why but they looked so cool and so... Different. I realized that they were best friends. Oh so that's the look you get when you know someone cares. Oh. I sighed and went to sit alone when I had the best idea ever. I walked over to where they were sitting and tried "ummmm would you mind if I sat here" my voice sounded hushed but the green eyed one looked around and said "yeah sure!" I sat down and stared at the food on my plate. The brunette said, "my name is Rylie and this is Ella!" I looked over at Ella. She scared me a little bit only because She was staring at me, her eyes were squinted and she looked at me as if she was deciphering, seeing if she could trust me. When suddenly I stood and Rylie asked "where are you going?" I nodded toward my plate. She looked shocked "you didn't eat at all! Can i have your bread roll at least because it's probably the only good thing they serve here!" I nodded and handed it to her, and I saw Ella's eyes soften as if she might know or at least guess that this was more than I didn't like the school food. I threw my food away and they began talking. These new found people were slightly perverted but in a very funny way, I already liked them but I knew that they probably saw me the way I saw myself. Boy how wrong I was. And so my tiny Ray of light grew a little to fit a green eyed fan girl and a tomboyish batman chick. Then I met Ali. I was in band and I played the clarinet. I sat next to an outcast-ish girl with long brown hair and brown eyes and blue glasses. One day my reed was broken beyond all repair. Me being me was still easily hurt by absolutely everything and I almost cried. She turned and looked at me with a concerned look and handed me a reed. "Here you can use this..." I hugged her and she stiffened so I let go but happily squealed "thank you thank you thank you!!!!" She smiled and we started band practice. At the end she walked up to me and said "hey I'm sorry for not hugging you back, I'm just,   I just,...., I'm not social..." I hugged her again and this time she hugged back. No problem! I know how you feel! I said happily. She looked at me like she couldn't believe that I was antisocial. I waved and ran off and decided, maybe I might actually eat tonight.