Ella had spent most of the Christmas morning so far completely faking her happiness. Though she was genuinely thankful for all her presents, the argument with James lingered. He hadn't approached her and seemed to be having a good day despite everything. Ella had to admit that hurt so when she found that Mia had given her a muggle book for Christmas, it gave Ella the best excuse to just go to her room and hide.

     She had played on sitting on the couch and reading it but then they started playing stupid games and Sirius was being stupid. Frankly, she didn't have the energy to deal with him anymore so just sat in her room. A blanket wrapped around her and covers pulled over her as she snuggled into the book. Her head rested against her hand as her eyes moved across the page.

     She had been so enthralled in it that she barely even noticed when Sirius called her name in the hallway. It was only when he opened the door that she truly realised he was there. She looked up and cocked an eyebrow and placed the book down.

     "Tea's ready. Come on," Sirius said as he watched her climb out of bed. Ella nodded and then asked for him to wait one minute. She closed the door so he couldn't watch as she changed out of her pyjamas. It only took her a moment to put the dress on. It was long and flowy, red with a floral pattern of white flowers. She then did her hair with a tap of her wand and muttering a charm. It was curled and looked alive. Something she hadn't totally expected but was pleasant nonetheless.

     Ella then opened the door and walked out. Her bare feet padding against the floor as they walked across the corridor. Sirius shamelessly checking Ella out. The dress - although flowy - perfectly hugged her curves and it was the James that had once made James crazy. That was unlikely to happen this time but she wanted to feel confident and good. The main way she was going to do that is by wearing something that made her feel beautiful. James be damned, she was going to have a good day.

     "Hey, Sirius. Quit starin'. What would Marlene think?" Ella quipped. Trying to allow her normal self to take over. The person she was before she fell for James and before she had to hide everything from the people she cared about. She needed to try and get back to that girl. James couldn't ruin that for her. No, he couldn't.

     Ella's mother and Mia were quick to compliment Ella as she sat down at the table. James practically oogling at her as he watched her sit down. That made Ella smirk as they began their Christmas dinner. It started with crackers of course and Sirius was the only one that didn't end up getting a hat. Ella giving him her second bright pink one to him. He pouted at that and she stuck her tongue out, placing the purple on one on her head. Fleamont then cut up the turkey as was tradition and it was handed out to each of the six. Once they were all happily eating, the conversation began.

     "I've not had a chance to ask you boys how your practice exams went?" Mia said once she'd swallowed some of her food. Sirius looked up and looked incredibly alarmed by the question. That made Ella snort as she put some turkey in her mouth, chewing as she waited.

    "They seemed to go well. Sirius nearly missed a couple by oversleeping but they were easy enough," James said, saving his friend from the reality that he would face if he admitted the truth. Sirius had done very little revision despite his friend's complaints and he had nearly been late by a few seconds to almost every exam. So was Marlene but that was far from important.

     "Herbology was the hardest," Ella interjected as she cut up her potato and chicken. Spearing them both as she looked to Sirius. A smirk on her lips, "Right, Sirius?" She asked. Margaret noticed the look on Ella's face and couldn't help but smirk too as she looked at Sirius. Wanting to see how he'd react to being called upon. Herbology had been the one he arrived ten minutes late for and he was lucky they even let him take it. He had no doubt done awful.

     "It was Herbology. It's not that bad," He shrugged in response. Ella cocked an eyebrow at that before she continued to eat her dinner, "Ella is better at Herbology than me. You should really ask her," Sirius responded as he went back to eating. All eyes were then on Ella and she smiled softly, shrugging a little.

     "It was hard but nothin' I couldn't handle. I've been getting outstandin' for the past seven years," Ella shrugged, wanting to deflect the attention. Sirius nodded and then they went back to eating. The conversation continuing along the line of schools and exams. Ella going quiet now and she slowly felt herself falling back to how she felt prior to the dinner. James was continuing to be dismissive and after the compliments early on, nobody seemed to pay much attention to her.

     So, once she was done and it was deemed okay to leave, she stood up and headed out of the formal dining room. As Ella left, Sirius excused himself and went after her. He knew that chasing after her was far from what he was like but James was miserable. They both were no matter how much they tried to hide it from the world.

     "El," Sirius called as he watched her walk up the stairs. She was pulling off her paper crown when she saw him, glancing back at him. She continued to walk and Sirius skipped a few steps as he bounded up the staircase. He then stopped her before she could go any further down the corridor. His hand pressed against the top of her chest. His warm hands pressing against her exposed skin. She was quick to knock his hand off her.

     "What?" She asked. Her words harsh and the venom evident in her tone. It wasn't Sirius who she was angry at and snapping like this wasn't how she wanted to be. She took a deep breath and repeated it though she was much calmer. Her hand resting by her sides.

    "He didn't mean what he said," Sirius said as he looked into her eyes. Ella shrugged and pushed her fingers through her hair. At this point it didn't matter to her if he meant it or not, he had still done it. He had said it which meant he was thinking it. Ella knew she would never be good enough and now he had told her. Now she couldn't shy away from it.

     "I'd like 'im to tell me that if 'e thinks so. 'e won't talk to me. 'e doesn't look at me. 'e doesn't care about me. I can see that now. 'e just had to say it for me to understand," Ella muttered as she brushed Sirius off. Walking past him without a second glance. Sirius just watched her for a moment, letting her walk away. He didn't know whether her not he should just say it. Tell her that James loves her and always has.

     To Sirius it had always been obvious. The look he gave her when they were together. What James had revealed the previous night. It was obvious that they were both in love but James was so blinded by his apparent love for Lily that he didn't even notice. Didn't notice the girl right in front of him. That they would be so perfect together.

     Sirius would never voice these opinions. It was out of character for him to interfer and James wouldn't listen either way. Sirius was the guy who fucked girls over so his advice was never taken seriously. Even when it had helped Remus get his girl. So, he just watched Ella walk into her room and close the door.

     Ella crossed her bedroom and fell on her face into the bed. Her hands reached out to grab her pillow which she promptly screamed into. Her nails digging into the soft fabric before she turned over. Letting out a sigh before she covered her face with her arms. How was she supposed to be here for two more days?

     She had lost her best friend and she was only pushing everyone else away. Sirius was trying to help and she was acting like a tosser to him. She didn't mean to or need to, she was just angry and he was always there. Trying to talk to her so he just got the brunt of it. She just wished James would. She wished James could be the one hurting instead of her but he cared too much about himself and Lily to even recognise that he'd lost her.

     As she rolled over, she noticed a present on her bedside table. Ella reached out and gently took it off. The gift-tag said it was from her mum (though Ella didn't remember her mum's handwriting being so messy) and when she peeled the paper back, the picture was revealed to her. The picture was grainy and certainly old but it was a moving picture of the two families. Ella, James, Margaret, Mia and Fleamont stood in the snow together. They were all wrapped up in various wooly clothes to keep themselves warm. Ella and James were young in the picture probably only 6 or 7 and Ella could vaguely remember it. A soft smile spreading across her face.

     When they were young and innocent, before they had even gone to Hogwarts and everything had changed. A part of Ella yearned for that childhood innocence. She always had, always wanting to just be young again. Live in a world that's care free and she didn't have to worry about her future. That's what she wanted but that wasn't possible. Everything was uncertain now.

     She had lost her best friend. The only person keeping her afloat in Potions. She had lost her best friend. The boy that she turned to in her hour of need. She had lost her best friend. The only person who would let her ramble for hours and just listen, only interrupting when he had a funny quip that put her mind at ease. She had lost her best friend. She had lost the reason she was in Gryffindor house. She wished she would have just gone to Hufflepuff like the Sorting Hat had suggested. She wasn't brave. She had lost that bravery when she fell for James.

***

     Boxing day was the worst day Ella had had in a while. She didn't leave her room the whole day. She had ate before everyone woke up and then only got up to eat again when everyone was asleep. Or at least she thought everyone was asleep. She had ran into Sirius in the kitchen and they spoke briefly before he disappeared.

     The boys had met in the garden and Ella watched from the window as they transformed before running off into the night. And to no surprise, Ella had saw Molly prowl off not a few minutes later. A part of Ella wished she could be that free but she never would be. So instead of dwelling, she got her food and went back to bed. Staying up late and when she woke up, it was already time to go.

     Ella was glad that she had her magic, spelling all her clothes to be packed in a few minutes. She changed and before long, they were back at home. Back at Ella's home. A home that was just as broken as Ella felt. Though she was a little more animated when she was home, she still felt wrong. She had never doubted her placement in Gryffindor until this year. Until she realised how much of a coward she was. She couldn't even face James. Not anymore.

     But as the two sat in the living room, blankets wrapped around them. Ella found herself talking more. Letting her mouth run as she talked about school and the exams. The difficulty of them quickly becoming a topic as she rested her head back.

     "It's ridiculous. Two questions on NEWTS knowledge. I dunno why they consider it practicin'," Ella said, finishing off her rant about the exams. It had been far too long-winded considering they were only practice exams but considering the ridiculousness of them, Ella couldn't help herself. She watched Molly stroll past the fireplace before the cat practically strutted to Ella, meowing up at her.

     "They do it for a reason, Ella." Her mother reminded as she moved to sit down in the armchair. Ella patting her knees to coax the little fluffball up. Molly was quick to jump into Ella's lap and instantly seeked out attention which Ella gave with little to no question. Stroking the cat with a soft smile spreading across her face.

     "I know, I know but it feels pointless sometimes." Ella muttered after a moment. Lifting her head up to meet her mother's gaze. Margaret sighed at her daughter. She understood how Ella was feeling but at the same time, it was all a neccessary evil. A lot of things in this world were like and Margaret had tried so hard to teach Ella that.

     "That's exams but they're everythin' when you're out of school." Margaret responded as she tilted her head back. She then pulled the blanket around herself, sighing softly. The fireplace really should have been lit by now so Margaret took her wand out, pointed it and muttered the charm. The fireplace roaring to life and Ella instantly felt herself beginning to warm up.

     "So you keep sayin'," The brunette muttered, a hint of bitterness in her tone. Usually she didn't really care about exams and she knew they were important but between the lack of actual practice she got from the paper and everything with james, she was annoyed. Not just at the exams but at the world, the universe. It had handed her a cruel fate and it made her want to scream.

     "Because it's true. They'll be what gets you accepted into the whatever program you wanna be on." Margaret reminded her and Ella nodded. She was very aware of this fact so she decided that maybe it was better to just stop talking about exams.

     "I know." Came her curt response. She didn't have the energy to talk about this any longer but she could at least maybe talk about something else. Ella wanted to spend time with her mother while she could. They barely saw each other and with Ella's miserable mood at the Potter Manor, there hadn't been much family time over the Christmas period so far.

     "Anythin' else interesting 'appen?" Margaret asked and the silence grew between them as Ella tried to think about what had been happening at Hogwarts. But when the silence continued, Margaret added, "I 'eard you and James arguin," That made Ella's eyes widen and she looked up, raising an eyebrow in response. She only thought that Sirius had heard them. Nobody was around them when she stepped out. Only Sirius coming out of his own room.

    "Did you hear what it was about?" Ella asked quickly. She was able to just about cover up how urgent it was that she knew and how much that worried her. She hoped her mother wasn't aware of her hooking up. Ella wasn't exactly the most open with her mother about her sexual activities. It would be disapproved of whatever Ella said.

     "No. Just the shouting. Did somethin' 'appen?"Her mother responded. The worry spreading across her usually delicate features. Ella shook her head and sent her a soft smile. She then pulled the blanket around her and Molly, continuing to stroke the cat who was staring up at Ella with wide eyes and a sad face. Ella could never resist that face.

    "He's just bein' a boy, s'nothing." Ella said, giving her mum a smile. It wasn't a genuine smile but it looked real enough for her mother to not question it too heavily. Margaret had always wanted to protect Ella from sadness. That's why she didn't learn that her father had left them until she was 14.

     "Are you sure?" Margaret repeated. Her maternal instincts showing as she gave her daughter a pointed look. Ella smiled and nodded her head, beginning to rub Molly on the stomach as she rolled over to show it off.

     "Yeah, it's fine, mum. 'e was just bein' a stubborn tosser." Ella responded speaking with a joking tone. If she went too serious, there would surely be a letter sent to Mia about his behaviour. Which was the opposite of what Ella wanted. If he was going to hate her, she was at least going to stop their parents from interfering. This was a situation where they had to go alone. Their parents could continue on while Ella just wallowed.

     "'ey! 'e's a lovely boy." Margaret responded to the teasing insult thrown to the boy. Ella chuckled softly and shook her head. James was lovely. He certainly wasn't anymore. He was a tosser now. An arrogant tosser. He had always been full of himself but those words 'I don't want your love' just felt like the last nail in the coffin of his decency.

     "Ya only say that cause he's Mia's son." Ella muttered as she shifted much to Molly's annoyance. The brown cat letting out a quiet meow before settling back down. Ella chuckling at the cat, scratching under her chin as a way of apologising.

     "And 'e's lovely. I've watched the pairs of yas grown-up." Her mother responded and Ella nodded. She didn't want her mum to see the truth about James if she hadn't already. Her parents and his parents would always have a warped view of him and she had to concede. She didn't have the energy to talk about him anymore.

     "Alright, alright." Ella muttered dismissively. Her heart sinking further before Molly looked up at her, meowing again. Ella muttering about how needy she was. She lifted Molly and let her rest against Ella's chest, continuing to softly stroke her back. Molly finding herself content resting against her warm chest.

     "What about Quidditch then?" Margaret asked after a moment. James had made her think of that. He had been made the captain in sixth year and the Gryffindor team had only got better since. Ella liked to attend their practices when she had time especially the late night ones since they usually end in James and Ella having sex in the changing rooms. But the second that thought came to Ella had she threw it out. That would never happen again and she had to be content with that.

     "Oh, I think we're winning the cup this year." Ella said quickly as she grinned. The thought of winning the cup when Slytherin had won the previous year made her feel happy and proud. It was the biggest accomplishment they could make and it would stick it to the purebloods that Ella had always thought had a stick up their ass, "McGonagall's really optimistic and with James as the captain, they've been gettin' better." Ella added. Giving praise where it was due. As much as she was hating James at that moment in time, she still couldn't stop thinking about him and mentioning him. She hated it.

     "I wonder if I'd be able to come and watch." Margaret pondered. Thinking out loud more than anything. She had heard of Fleamont and Mia watching a few games but Margaret had barely visited Hogwarts since her own time there. She had gone once in all of Ella's seven years at the school. It was a sad truth but Margaret didn't mind.

     "Don't." Ella said quickly. If her mother came to Hogwarts, it would be hard to keep up appearances. James wasn't talking to her at home and it would only be worse when they got back to Hogwarts. He hated her and she hate-loved him. It was simple as that. They weren't going to talk no matter what she wanted.

     "What?" Margaret asked, slightly confused as she watched her daughter's face. Hoping it would give something away to what exactly she meant by that..

     "Don't come to 'ogwarts. Especially with dad bein' there." Ella muttered. She hated even saying his name, calling him 'dad' like he'd been there for her. But it was the truth, he was her dad and until she knew what Professor he was, she was going to call him dad. Just for now. Her mother had told her to do it really so she was only trying to respect her wishes.

     "You know what I think of that goblin, Ella. 'e doesn't bother me." Margaret responded which made Ella chuckle. That was certainly true. Her mother had gotten over Ella's father long ago but the worry about what would occur was still there for Ella.

     "Just don't. I don't want to have to think about what could 'appen." Ella muttered as she stared down at the floor. Her mother sighed and then nodded her head.

      "Alright, alright. I won't, darling." Margaret promised before she stood up. She took a few more logs and placed them on the fire before glancing at Ella, "Now would ya like some 'ot chocolate?" Margaret asked and Ella couldn't help the grin that spread across her face. The true, genuine smile. Hot chocolate always made Ella feel better.

     "Please." She muttered. Margaret grinned and then once she was done with the fire, headed back towards the kitchen. Ella just sitting and stroking Molly who had happily fallen asleep rested against her owner. Ella let her head fall back against the back of the couch, thinking what she was even going to do. Returning to Hogwarts was only a few days away now and she didn't even know how she was going to survive the train journey let alone the rest of the school year.

***

𝐀𝐔𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑'𝐒 𝐍𝐎𝐓𝐄 ! angst boisssss, yeah, so this chapter is basically really just a set-up for the return to hogwarts not gonna lie while also showing how ella is desperately attempting to be herself but she is failing big time, i did some brief reading over this so hopefully a lack of errors at least in the second half but yeah. i hope you enjoyed! (also the angst is only just starting hehe so enjoy)