Mikaela

Why does anyone care?
I want to be done I can't do this anymore.
Please.
Please.
Please!
Let me be done with all of this.
I don't want to pretend anymore.
I don't want to act like nothing will matter.
I don't want to be around anyone.
Being with these people...
They all treat me like I'm some monster.
Like I'm not supposed to be here.
Like I'm not even human.
They try and act like they know me.
But I sure know for a fact that they couldn't give two shits about me.
I was never important to anyone.
Everyone has always avoided me.
They say that I'm acting like I'm scary and putting myself down to much.
But they have no idea what I'm capable of.

What I've done.
Who I've hurt.
What I've said.
I hate myself.
So much.
I can't think of anyone who is more horrible and repugnant as me.
I'm so repulsive and disgusting.
I don't understand why people want to be around me.
Why they want to get closer to me.
Why they insist on talking to me.
I hate all of them.
They all hurt me.
I'm not very good at showing others how much I'm in pain or what I'm feeling.
And I have never really liked being around people who are too positive and too happy.
I have never fell genuinely happy.
Not for myself.
Not for the situation I'm in.
Not for other people.

I hate all the things that I do.
I feel so sick when I eat and so gross when I have to eat around others.
They all look at me and try to talk to me when all I can think about is how could I eat to make them not think I'm disgusting?
I feel so guilty eating other food that someone so much better than me can't eat.
I feel so bad for all the people in lower situations than me that would be so much better off taking my place.
I hate how I have to eat.
I hate all the food that has been wasted of feeding me.
Keeping me alive.
I hate myself for the air I take.
I hate myself for being alive.
There couldn't be a more lost cause then mine.
I have no worth.
All the things I want are not important because others deserve so much more then me.
I get more then I deserve.
I hate how selfish I am.
I hate how I can't do anything right.
Anything I do or say always affects someone else.
Every word people hear leave my lips only make them more disappointed that I was a person they have to hear.
Someone they have to be around.
A burden.

I know I'm selfish.
I hate how I'm selfish.
I hate how your so nice to me.
I hate the feeling of safety I get around you.
I hate how I'm the one person you decided to get close to.
I hate how much I love you.

You always treat me like I'm someone important.
Someone that you couldn't live without.
Someone that you love.
I hate the guilt you bring to me.
The shame of you wanting me.
The shame of you needing me.

I told myself to never get attached.
Never to get close to someone.
Never to love someone.
So many people have left me.
And I'm so afraid you will just leave me too.
Cause your way to good for me.
And I'm not even close to being good for you.

I wish they would all go away.
All the pain.
All the tears that have fallen.
All the scars that won't go away.
I wish I could just be around you.
I know it's selfish.
But I wish that you would stay with me.
That you would only care about me.
You don't need anyone else.
You just need me.
I'm so greedy.
I wish I never met you.
To save you from me.

You should stay away from me.
As far as you can.
Please don't let yourself stay with me.
I know you will end up regretting it in the end.
I'm sorry for making you think you have to care about me.
I'm sorry for all the things you love about me.
I'm sorry for telling you my feelings.
I'm sorry for stating those forsaken words.
I love you.

You're something I can live without.
But maybe it would be better do you to leave me be so I can rot away.
Just let me decay.
I don't want you to realize who I really am.
The things that you would say.
I wouldn't be able to stand that kind of pain.

Please go away.
I don't want to hurt you too.
I'm toxic.
Someone who is no good for you.
So please.
Leave.

But know that it's not you it's me.
I still love you more than anything.
Never think you are never good enough.
Because you were everything to me.

-Sorry for the angst. I just been having a weird day. Hope you all know that you are so amazing. Never let anyone tell you anything different.-

-ShuichiOuma010-