068:

"Please say something, I have a terrible habit of reading words into places they are not meant to be."

"I'm here."

She suddenly felt guilty for having feelings for him... feelings she'd only had once before....

"It's funny." He began lightly now. "I would have thought I couldn't be feeling these things yet. I love Karen so much. I wouldn't have thought it was possible for me to-- you know...."

"Yeah." She breathed.

He laughed softly. "Maybe you do know. Is it Jared you're having trouble with? Or Ryan?"

"I don't know." She cried and then laughed. "Isn't that stupid? I don't know. Both faces are emerging in my head."

"Did you love Ryan?" His voice was still and needy

"I don't know. Maybe. Ryan was maybe my first love..."

"First love can be hard to get over."

"I agree. Very hard. I don't know if it was love. My thoughts about him are so clouded now by the person he has become, and the things he has done to me."

Robert did know the things Ryan had done to her. Recently Ryan had bragged about the way he had gotten revenge on Melia, but the malicious effort he'd put in to belittle her, put her down, share all her faults, turn him off her. Ryan didn't know that Melia had already become someone in Robert's heart.

"I don't know if I'm ready or even emotionally available to start another relationship, although..." She kept pushing ahead, afraid to let him go without knowing these things.

"It's okay, sweetheart. I'm not ready yet either and we still have lots of time to... to explore our...."

"I do care about you." She blurted, not wanting to simply end the conversation.

"Oh, I know you do. I'm not immune to your interest. I've felt it, Mia. It's okay. You're like an open book in that regard."

"What?" She stammered, feeling annoyed.

"No, don't get me wrong. You are very careful in your feelings, very careful, no one else would know. It's just that... I am looking for it. I want to see it. So, I'm looking, and I can see the little nuances. I respond to the little nuances."

"What little nuances? What do you mean?"

His laugh was actually comforting; it meant he wasn't judging her. "I've seen the way you look at Ryan. Kind of like you're confused by him, and kind of like you're vexed by him. It's not the look you would give to someone you want to be with. You have a very sad quality to your gaze these days, Mia." He breathed gently. "But I've also looked directly into your eyes and seen a lot of compassion, and caring directed at me. That's very comforting. I've seen that same piercing look change from compassion to.... Considering.... "

"Well, then I should be honest with you." She managed to get out. "I had to go away with Jared and I fell deeply in love with him... while I was still committed to Ryan." She sighed in frustration. "I didn't plan it that way! It's not how I view myself. I am not a two timer! I would not have done this...." She tried to think of other words to justify how she felt and couldn't. Nor could she sugar coat what she'd done. "I want to like you... like that. Robert... I can feel it too, between us... it's like... right there under the surface. But I know it would be wrong while I'm still committed to Ryan, even though we're not technically together, we are. Does that make any sense?"

"For a woman as moral as you, it does. You have a conscience." He replied.

"Moral!" she scoffed.

"Melia... stop! I know what you think...."

"No, you don't. You think I am upset because I cheated on Ryan."

"I know that's what you... wait... isn't it?"

"No. I mean sort of. Yes, I mean, I did cheat on him. I was committed to him, but he had released me from my promises sort of, while on his mission. There is always the possibility that a girl will find someone in those two years. It's not a sure thing that a girl will wait, and you know what? I'm not upset that I found Jared. I'm glad that I found him. I loved him... really deeply truly loved him. He was my total soul mate. I don't know if I will ever love like that again."

"So, you're saying that it would be disloyal to Jared to have feelings for... me?"

"Well, no, let me finish, I need to say this, Robert. It isn't anything to do with you; it's to do with being moral. I was disloyal to my.... To my baptismal covenants. I was disloyal to the commitment I made to God. I had sex before I was married. I sinned.... For that... I am struggling to feel worthy. I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over that...." She blew out her breath... whew! She'd actually said it.... Was that the very first time out loud? It may have been. Even the first time completely acknowledged. She hadn't even told Jared how badly that had hurt her... that her own convictions were so lax. That those things she'd thought she held dear had been violated... and she had no choice but to go on... because the outcome had been.... Hannah. Her baby girl, that she loved more than anything, the child that had changed her life. There was no one to blame but herself, and somewhere inside she truly believed that this mess with Ryan now was punishment for what she'd done.

"Ever...." He echoed in disbelief. Was she kidding? How could she feel like that? No other girl of his acquaintance had ever said anything to him along those lines. Sin wasn't something anyone had ever discussed with him and he felt a little awed by her belief in it.

It wasn't two seconds before his mind reached the same conclusion she had unwittingly given him. "Melia... you somehow believe that you are being punished!"

She was stunned that he understood it so well, had read her mind so easily. "Well, God has a right to punish those who violate their covenants." She hissed.

"God is punishing you by making Ryan treat you like shit? What about Ryan? Is he going to be punished for the way he has treated you? And by the same token, does that mean that because Jared Patrick took your virginity before you were married that his death was a punishment for that? By God, girl, I will not believe in a God who is so vindictive. How dare he set up commandments and then leave you in a place where violation of those means death and destruction of...." She heard the slam of his fist on wood, and winced. "This is making me angry! The more I think about it... the more I...."

"No! It's not like that! He isn't punishing me by.... I don't think.... No! It's more like he set up the commandments and those who want to commit to them can, and they receive blessings for living their lives by them, but there are consequences too. It's in the suffering... I don't believe that Jared was killed by God for past sins. I don't believe that."

"Then what do you believe?"

"Okay..." she thought quickly. "Like have you ever talked to someone who has been divorced young, maybe more than once? It's like they kind of loved... but didn't expect it to last necessarily. They have feelings, but maybe their feelings aren't that deep. I have a friend like that. They were promiscuous before, and promiscuous after and they never had the deep and abiding feelings that monogamy generated. The trust wasn't there. I think that God set up the institution of marriage as... as a way to bless people. If they choose to live by it... then they receive blessings. Trust, deep abiding love, friendship, commitment.. all those things are blessings God gives to relationships that keep his commandments. And those things don't come when...."

"That makes sense Mia. But not with Jared or Karen."

"You're saying that death is a punishment. I don't think it is."

"Not? Her life is gone! Our future is gone! Isn't that a punishment? For both of us?"

"Maybe not a punishment, maybe a trial...."

He was silent.

"Robert?"

She heard him crying. "I'm sorry."

"Stop it." He sobbed.

"I really...."

"Don't be sorry. It is a frigging trial, Melia. The worst trial ever. I hate this trial."

"I think it says somewhere that he won't give us trials we can't get through, or overcome. He gives them to us so we can grow. And... and be closer to him."

"I don't feel closer to him." Robert sneered. "I feel further from her."

She knew what he meant. It was hard... so hard. And she had gospel knowledge to fall back on. He didn't... she had belief that she'd see Jared again.... He had no such belief.

She didn't know how to comfort him, so she just held the phone close to her ear and prayed that he would get through this.

Moments dragged on and finally he sighed. "I think the blessing of it.... The blessing for having loved Karen so much is that I know how to love."

She felt the smile deep inside her. Felt the way his words flowed into her and gave her profound peace. What a beautiful application. How utterly true.

"And when the time comes... I will be able to love again... deeply and truly love again." He said. "And I believe that blessing does come from God. You're right. God can correct mistakes. The evidence is more in favor of him wanting to bless us than wanting to punish us. I think God gives second chances."

*****