Chapter 1: Desolation and Depression

The summer of 1995 was a very miserable one in the run down area of Cokeworth. So much so that the people who lived there believed that the sun was to never brighten their days ever again.

The already gloomy, dull and washed out muggle estate of Spinners end looked even worse in the non-stop rain. The place might as well have been in black and white, as if an artist had run out of all his bright colours and only the poorest were left to express his drawing of a boring area with nothing happy in it.

Spinners end just looked abandoned, like everyone else had found new lives and left the place, they were never to return to the estate that all looked the same. It was apparent that nobody added any individuality to the place, nobody added any decoration to the front of their houses, or paint the rotting black doors to something more appealing and inviting. That's what made it even worse on a day like this, as if regular days weren't enough. Nobody took care of the place anyway, so why did it matter?

If you were an outsider or had never visited Spinners end before, there was no doubt that you would get lost in the first five minutes of looking in the rows and rows of identical houses. It was as though the place was a maze that was absolutely impossible to get out of. Even if you did have a sense of direction, it was guaranteed you would get lost never mind if you didn't have a sense of direction. People who lived at Spinners end were even prone to getting lost...

But that's why Severus Snape liked it; because strangers didn't visit often, muggles kept themselves to themselves and it was drained of happiness...just like him. In fact, he felt as though the rain pounding down on his roof was only for him. As though he'd attracted the rain cloud and everyone else was enjoying the sunshine this summer had to offer. He was indeed a sadness magnet. 

Snape really couldn't care less about what he did with his life now. He would stay sad forever now, there was nothing keeping him going and he felt like doing absolutely nothing. He would just sit in his favourite armchair reading the daily prophet and would drink a glass of wine. The newspaper, however, just repeated the same headline which drove Snape even more mad. 

He would never go out anymore, and would just stay where he was. Some days he even just stayed sat in his armchair all day long not doing anything. He wouldn't even get up for food or to fetch the newspaper from the space right in front of him where the owl would land every morning with it. He would watch the owl leave but would have no motivation whatsoever to get up and recieve the paper. He had no intention to some days. 

As he wasn't leaving the house anymore, he was running low on food. But that didn't bother him...what was the point in food anyway? He didn't need it. All he needed was his wine, his armchair and his prophet. That was the life he led everyday and that was the way it would stay. 

However, he had a good friend of his who liked to drop by to see how he was getting on. She would bring him food and always make sure he had everything he needed. Some days, Snape didn't even know she had dropped by because he was so drunk he wouldn't know the difference between right and wrong. 

But this was the life he lived. 

Today Snape seemed to be following the same routine, however, he was out of wine. After an hour of pulling his hair out because he had no wine to pacify his sadness, he finally sat down in his armchair and read the prophet. He didn't feel fantastic but he had still decided to collect that days newspaper and read it. There wasn't as much about the headline that had been shown repeatedly since he had returned from Hogwarts but it was still there. It made him wish he still had some wine left. 

He wanted wine so desperately he would even leave the house for it. But that didn't seem like a good option. He would probably collapse in the middle of the street, he couldn't take that risk so he'd just have to suffer at home. 

Suddenly the front door opened, Snape's eyes widened. He grabbed his wand and then stood up. The person who had just made it into his house walked down the hallway and into the living room with a brown paper bag full of more food to stock up Snape's fridge. 

"Good morning, Severus," Jessica smiled. 

Snape stared at her but didn't lower his wand. He wouldn't put his guard down on Jessica Stone...but had he lost his mind? Just earlier this year Jessica had changed and had become head of the 'Resistance' that protected the gifted. Snape had to give her credit for that. But...how had she got into the house? 

"How have you got into my house?" He asked. He was surprised at how horrible his voice sounded; strained, forced and sad. 

Jessica sighed but then smiled again, she was very patient when it came to a man like this. "You gave me the spare key, remember?" 

Snape thought for a moment. When had he given her the spare key to his house? He would never do such a thing like that. That wasn't him...or was that the old sane him? 

"No," Snape shook his head. 

"Well I can assure you that you did, you said it was for emergencies only," Jessica put down the bag of groceries. She fished out a small key from her robe pocket and waved it in the air. "And I think this is kind of an emergency." 

"H-How is this an emergency?" Snape stammered, he didn't like people in his house. He only liked himself and — 

"You need to stock up on food, remember? I bring you a weeks supply of food every Monday so that you've got enough to eat," Jessica announced as she placed the key back in her pocket, picked up the bag of groceries and walked into the kitchen. She opened the fridge and shook her head. "Severus!" Her voice sounded like a disapproving mothers would. Snape gulped and tried to forget about his real mother. 

"What?" Snape groaned as he slowly walked towards the kitchen and when he made it, he held the door frame for support. 

"You haven't eaten anything that I bought you!" Jessica tutted. 

"Correction, I have," Snape folded his arms, he looked like smug child, showing his mother that she was wrong. 

"Go on then, what have you eaten out of this selection of wonderful food that I bought you?" 

"I ate the damn yogurt," Snape spat and opened up the almost empty kitchen bin for proof. "See?" 

"Oh I see, but that's not enough to keep you going!" Jessica snapped. "Look at you! You're losing weight by the minute! I'm making you breakfast, I'm not having you starving." 

Jessica took two slices of bread from the packet she had just bought from the grocers and shoved them in the toaster. She then began making a cup of tea for him out of some of the things she had bought and some that were still left over from last week. 

"That reminds me, have you been drinking any fluids?" Jessica asked she poured the hot water into the cup. 

"That reminds me, have you bought me any wine?" Snape asked as he peered into the grocery bag. 

"Is that all you've been drinking?" Jessica frowned. 

Snape shuffled his feet awkwardly. "Yes..."

"You shouldn't be drinking that, you should have been drinking things like tea. Wine isn't good for you all the time," Jessica handed Snape's cup of tea to him. He stared into the cup and pulled a face, he used to like tea but now it didn't sound as appealing as it used to. "You should start eating too."

Jessica began putting all the food she had bought from the grocers into Snape's cupboards, Snape watched eagerly from behind to see if she had bought any wine. He held the mug in his hands tightly because if he saw a bottle of wine he'd probably drop the mug and the contents would end up on the floor just to get to the wine.

 "Did you bring me any wine?" Snape asked as he set down the cup, Jessica threw the empty brown paper bag in the bin. Snape knew there was no more to be put away but wondered if he'd missed the wine while she was putting things away.

Jessica stared at him and shook her head. "No I did not, I had no intention of bringing you any more wine. Just last week you had a whole cupboard full and now — " she opened up the cupboard in which usually had wine in. "It's all gone."

Sure enough, the cupboard was completely empty. Snape stepped forward and stared into the cupboard sadly before Jessica shut the door. He wasn't happy at all that he had no more wine...and wasn't all surprised that he had drunk that much in a week. But, he just couldn't remember drinking all that wine in a week...but what was a week?

"Here we are!" Jessica announced in a sing song voice as she set down a plate with two slices of buttered toast on. Snape stared at them in disgust and walked back into his living room. He sat down in his favourite chair and stared blankly out the window. "Oh for goodness sakes..." Jessica growled as she stalked into the living room.

"Leave me alone," Snape grumbled.

"I'm not going to leave you like this! You're going to die if you don't eat!" Jessica snapped, her voice firm, trying to pierce through Snape's stubbornness.

"That's what I want."

"No you do not! You want to stay alive so you can stay part of the gifted!"

Snape glared at her. "The gifted is finished."

Jessica stared at him in shock. She didn't like what she was hearing, not at all. The gifted? Finished? Never. That could not happen. The gifted were supposed to stay strong. The three of them would stay strong no matter what happened. Snape, Shona and —

"Don't you look at me like that," Snape sneered at her, he didn't have time for an intruder in his house. He didn't really have time for anything anymore.

"I will look at you like that because you're being pathetic. The gifted is not over! None of this is over! Zuc's still alive and he needs defeating!"

"There's no one here to defeat him," Snape growled, he stood up and hissed the words in her face. "The one who is destined to defeat him is gone! SHE'S FINISHED! SHE'S DEAD!"

Jessica blinked and then stepped back from him, him breathing in her face was terrible. His breath stank of wine and it was disgusting...he probably hadn't brushed his teeth since he'd been at Hogwarts.

Snape's eyes narrowed as he studied her every move, he wasn't in the mood for people like this. He wasn't in the mood for anything. Jessica looked at a photo frame sat on the table next to his favourite chair. Snape followed her gaze and froze.

Jessica picked up the photo frame and looked at it. The girl in the photo was only fifteen...sixteen tomorrow. She had long brown hair that reached her waist and striking green eyes that were not like anyone else's, apart from one other persons...she was a pretty girl.

"Put that back," he ordered in a worried voice. "Put it down now."

"But this is the reason you can't give up!" Jessica sighed, ignoring Snape's comment. She turned the photograph towards him and his eyes narrowed once again. "She's still alive and you know it!"

"But she might not be!" Snape growled and went to snatch the photo but Jessica turned away, shielding it. "She's on the medieval islands with Zuc for crying out loud — now give me the photo!"

"She's still alive! Zuc won't have killed her! Only interrogated her!"

"You know nothing!"

"I used to live there on the medieval islands! I know his plans!"

"Give me the photo!"

"No!"

As Snape made another grab for the photo, Jessica accidentally dropped it in surprise. Then, it all went silent. Snape stepped back, Jessica looked at him nervously and gulped. The frame had shattered on the floor. The tiny shards of glass were scattered on the floor like confetti but it wasn't as graceful.

"Severus...I'm so — "

"Shut up," he growled in a voice so dangerously low it scared Jessica. She stepped out of the way as Snape knelt down and took the photograph from underneath the shattered glass. He gave it a light shake to get rid of the glass and then held it up to the little light there was coming through the window.

"I'm sorry," Jessica whispered again.

"Be quiet," Snape hissed. He stood up slowly and stepped over the broken photo frame. He couldn't remember the spell in which to fix things with, it would come to him later. He walked over to his desk and opened a draw. There he pulled out a photo frame almost identical to the one that the photo had been in before. He carefully took the backing off from the frame and then slid the photo inside and shut the back again. He held the photo frame and looked at the picture sadly, his bottom lip quivered.

Jessica stepped over to him slowly, trying not to make a sound and when she was a metre away from him, Snape spoke again.

"Go away," he sniffed. His voice was even more strained now and in the next moment, tears were splattering the photo frame in his hand. "J-Just go away."

"Severus, it's OK," Jessica whispered, placing a hand on his arm. "I know how you feel!"

"NO YOU DO NOT!" Snape yelled, he spun around quickly and faced Jessica. He was in a fit of rage and Jessica was frightened now. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL LIKE!"

"Yes I do!" Jessica protested. "It must be horrible to lose your daughter!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS! YOU DON'T HAVE A DAUGHTER! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!" Snape yelled at the top of his voice, he couldn't express how angry he was. Jessica didn't have children, she didn't know what it was like to lose a child.

Jessica didn't say anything after that, she just disappeared into the kitchen and only came back to put Snape's toast on his desk which was now cold. After that, Snape didn't see her. She had just locked herself up in his kitchen like she lived in the place.

"Worthless..." Snape muttered and returned his attention back to the photograph he was holding. He had many more pictures of the girl in the photograph but this was one of his favourites, that's why he kept it on the table next to his armchair. He would look at the picture sometimes while he was sitting there. It made him happy yet sad all at once. He really wanted the girl back, he would do anything just to see her again.

"Oh, Lucy, why did Zuc have to capture you?" Snape whispered to himself as he set the photograph back down on his table. He then miserably walked over to his desk and ate the cold toast. It felt like he hadn't eaten in years and it was quite satisfying to have something other than wine to go into his system, even if the toast was cold.

"Zuc's an evil man," Jessica muttered as she walked back into the living room. Snape turned around and faced her, she had finally emerged from his kitchen. "Well, I'll leave you be now, take care of yourself and remember to eat."

"Goodbye," Snape grumbled in return, not listening to what she'd said. He just walked over to his front window and stared out there, as though waiting for something to happen.

"I'll go then...goodbye," Jessica mumbled and slowly made her way out of Snape's house. She closed the door behind her and then walked into the alleyway next to the house and apparated quickly, before any muggles would notice.

Snape looked out his window in a disapproving manner before deciding there was nothing interesting to look at but the rain hitting the road over and over again...he made his way over to his desk again and opened up yet another draw. This time he took out a box and carried it over to his armchair, he sat down and then lifted the lid of the box. His spirits were immediately lifted.

It was a box full of mementos he had collected since he had adopted the little girl named Lucy who turned out to be his actual daughter, but she wasn't as little as she had been now. She was to be sixteen tomorrow, and Snape would miss the birthday that was possibly the most important one to a teenager.

Snape shook that terrible thought from his head as he began looking through the box. He first found pictures of Lucy in her first year. She was never one to like having her photograph taken but as Lucy got older in the pictures the more she seemed annoyed about having her photo taken. In one picture there was even her shielding her face from the camera, it hadn't been taken that long ago...

Snape could stare at the pictures for hours, why hadn't he tried this method before? Rather than drinking that dreaded wine? It was much better for him and it made him feel happy, it didn't just numb the pain; it got rid of it for a while.

When Snape was finished looking through the pictures over and over it was at least six o'clock at night. He didn't care, though. At least this day had been a little better than all the other days in summer he'd had to suffer. This one he could actually remember rather than the others that seemed to blur into one.

Snape left a few photographs of Lucy out of the box before putting the rest away in the box then placing it back in his desk. He took a few more photo frames out of his desk and slotted the pictures he had left out inside each of them. He then stood them on his table, next to the other photograph and sighed. The little happiness he had built up now had all suddenly disappeared; he needed wine and he needed it now.

In a moment of madness, Snape grabbed his coat and swung open the front door, he didn't even bother to lock it. As Snape walked along he slipped on his coat to protect him from the dreadful weather and he could feel the neighbours watching him; this was the first time he'd left his house since the start of summer.

He knew the neighbours would have been talking about him returning to Spinners end alone this summer. But he didn't care in the slightest because he hadn't noticed anything much this summer, it had been the worst summer of his life. He'd even had better summers when he was a child, at least then it was actually sunny and he could get out of the house away from his parents and their arguing. But this summer he had lost his daughter and nobody could save her, not even him.

Now, even the repeats of his parents arguing in his head didn't bother him. He was too determined to get wine, he needed wine more than anything but his daughter. Wine was his only saviour from this living hell he had to go through. How his father never cared for his own flesh and blood he would never know, because now Snape was a parent he knew the best thing in the world to him was his daughter.

Finally, Snape made it to a small shop; it was one of the only shops in Spinners end. He opened the door and to mark his entrance a small chime of a bell was heard. He looked around the shop frantically for some wine, eventually he found some.

There was only two bottles left but that didn't bother him, at least there was wine. He took the two bottles to the front desk where he paid quickly in the muggle money he had in his pockets. Luckily there was enough to pay for both bottles.

When he was done paying, he mumbled a quick 'thank you' to the man and grabbed the two bottles of the wine which had been put into a brown paper bag. But when the man turned around to hand him the receipt the door closed and the small chime of a bell could be heard again. Snape didn't have time for receipts, he just needed the wine that he had just bought. He had even risked leaving his house to get this wine...he needed it that desperately.

Snape was about to head back to his house when he found himself walking down another route. This was not what he planned...he just wanted to go home. Was he under the imperio curse? Surely not. He believed he was the only wizard who lived in Spinners end because everyone else stared at him like he was a three headed monster when he walked by.

But then he realised why he had taken this route.

"Dad!" Lucy called to him.

"Lucy!" Snape gasped, he'd finally heard her! His daughter was alive! She wasn't on the medieval islands anymore!

Snape began running through the rain towards the sound of his daughters voice, he ran for ages to follow Lucy's voice. In reward he would find her there and he would be able to take her home with him. They'd be able to celebrate her sixteenth birthday together and Snape would be able to stop drinking wine completely because he'd have Lucy at his side.

But then he had to stop himself.

He had found himself directly in front of the park bench where he had found Lucy when she was only ten years old when he had gone for that walk one night...and sat on the bench was Lucy herself...she was fifteen years old and was looking at him with a smile.

"Lucy!" Snape gasped, he placed down his bag with the wine bottles in a puddle and walked over to her. He sat down next to her and she watched him, he smiled. He couldn't believe she was right there next to him again. "Lucy, you're alive..."

She looked at him but didn't say anything she just smiled, but it didn't matter to Snape. He had Lucy back, he didn't care about anything else because Lucy was there with him.

"Lucy?" Snape asked, hoping she would reply. He looked hopefully at her but she reached her hand out to him and touched his face, yet he couldn't feel anything.

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live," she whispered and then disappeared before his eyes.

"Lucy!" Snape called and stood up, but she was gone. She wasn't real. She was just a figment of his imagination. He could call for her all he wanted but she wouldn't come back. She would never come back...not even the real Lucy would...

Snape miserably picked up the two bottles of wine and walked back to his house, it seemed like it took hours to him. Walking down boring road after boring road while it was pouring down...he didn't know if he could handle it for much longer, not anymore...

When he made it back, Snape slowly shuffled back up to his front door and opened it without having to get a key because he'd left the door open. He then sat down in his armchair, opened the brown paper bag (which was now completely sodden and wasn't much use) and pulled out the first bottle of wine; he couldn't wait to start it. 

He opened it quickly with the bottle opener he kept on the table next to him, then without taking a glass he drunk some of the contents out of the bottle. Immediately he felt better, but he'd need much more than this until he'd get drunk and forget everything. 

When he was satisfied he was starting to lose it, he placed down the empty bottle of wine on the floor...well, he thought he did until he felt it shatter at his feet. He then saw Lucy in front of him and gasped. She was back again. She had come to see him. 

He reached out for her but didn't even know if he'd lifted his arm, it felt too heavy to move anyway. He tried to call her name but he couldn't, she just stood there as he sat and watched helplessly. He wanted to get up and greet her but he couldn't...because it wasn't Lucy again, he was just dreaming...

In the next minute he woke up to the sound of someone knocking on his door. He stood up slowly then made it to the door. He opened it up and there stood Narcissa and Bellatrix. 

"Severus," Narcissa whispered. "Please help us." 

Snape had no time or inclination for this but he let the two women come into his house, but just behind them he saw Jessica. She was drenched from the rain and looked very hopeful to come inside. Snape didn't feel like letting her in but stepped aside anyway. 

"I need to make sure these women don't hurt you," Jessica whispered in his ear as she walked past him. "It's my job to protect you." 

Snape nodded but he knew Bellatrix and Narcissa wouldn't hurt him. He'd hurt them first, anyway, if they dare tried to hurt him. He knew too well the ways of a death eater...being one himself. Some days he really regretted becoming a death eater, it was one thing he would definitely change if he had the chance. 

He would probably change everything about his life at the moment, he was so upset about it he didn't know what to do. He just had to suffer, suffer all the time. Even when he'd returned from Hogwarts he'd even let Angus out of his cage and petted him. Angus was the last living thing he had that was closest to Lucy. 

He would find Angus sitting at his feet sometimes and he would notice him, even when he was drunk. He would notice the cat mewing for attention, for once Snape would actually give him attention rather than throwing him out. Angus would even sit on Snape's lap as he stroked him. But just like Snape, Angus didn't look his usual self either. He even hissed when Narcissa and Bellatrix walked into the living room, it was exactly what Snape wanted to do but he couldn't. 

As Narcissa spoke to him he stared out the window, not really listening to what she was saying. His mind wandered to the medieval islands, thinking about Lucy. Even when he was doing the unbreakable vow, he didn't know what he was doing. All he knew was that he wanted Lucy. 

"Well!" Jessica laughed as she closed the door after Bellatrix and Narcissa had left. "They were quite some characters, weren't they?" 

"Weren't they just," Snape muttered, flexing his hand. Had he really just done an unbreakable vow?

"You've just put a lot of responsibility on your shoulders, though," Jessica sighed. "You-know-who isn't any of my business so I couldn't really say anything. But I still don't think you should have done that." 

"Why did I do the un-breakable vow, anyway?" Snape asked as Jessica joined his side. "What was it for?" 

"To protect Narcissa's son; Draco Malfoy. You have to, or if you break the vow you will — " 

"Yes, I know, die. I know how it works," Snape muttered shaking his head. "Won't be too bad anyway, Lucy's not here so there's nothing to live for anyway." 

"She'll be back soon, Severus, and you'll be OK again. I know she'll be back, she'll find a way off of the medieval islands, she's got the brains for it. She's got your brains." 

"The brains I used to have," Snape corrected. "I'm not the same man I was at Hogwarts, Jessica." 

"Yes you are! You're just a little...confused, that's all. But you'll be as healthy as a horse soon! You'll be able to go back to Hogwarts and teach, won't that be wonderful? And I'm sure that Lucy will join you soon, I'm certain of it." 

"Stop trying to find ways to cheer me up, it's not working. The only way you'll cheer me up is if Lucy turns up now. That's the only way I'll be happy again." 

"OK..." Jessica muttered in defeat. "But I'll make sure you're feeding yourself, I might have to drop by more often." 

"Don't bother." 

Jessica looked up at him to see if he was being sarcastic or not. But that was impossible. Especially at a time like now. She shook her head and stared out the window again. 

"What do you find so interesting about looking out this window?" Jessica asked, trying to strike up a conversation again. 

"It gives me hope," Snape replied, although he didn't sound so sure. His tone was miserable and he didn't look very hopeful at all. 

"Hope for what?" 

"Hope that one day I'll see Lucy there, walking up the front path and then opening the door and coming home to me. Like she usually does when she leaves the house for something or other." 

Jessica really didn't want to spoil his hopes and dreams so she left him to his thoughts. 

"I think I'll be off to bed," Snape announced suddenly, it was a first considering he usually slept down on his armchair. It would be nice to sleep in his bed rather than the chair that seemed to be getting more and more un-comfy. 

"I'll leave you in peace, then," Jessica smiled and was about to leave when Snape stopped her by putting a hand on her shoulder. 

"You can stay, I would prefer some company." 

"But where will I sleep?" 

"The three-seater sofa isn't too bad." 

Jessica frowned but then smiled at Snape to show how 'grateful' she was because of his hospitality. "Thank you, Severus, I'll stay if you wish for me to." 

Snape nodded then took himself off to bed, where he didn't even bother to get changed. He just climbed straight into bed and fell asleep. He didn't dream about anything much, just the occasional flash of Lucy saying that one simple line: 

It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.