"-the last I saw of you was your unconscious body being dragged away by those suits. And I was left...in the debris of the burning house where I used to live." He finished his story, a lost look burning cold on his fatigue-softened features.

A long, heavy silence then brimmed warily in the air, seeming to stifle our breaths and leave us festering in the dull echoes of his lost words. A silence that lasted and loved, caressing us softly with deadened hands that ignited a ceaseless chill within our corpses. And for once I couldn't think of a word to speak, a sentence to pull from within me that would battle the aching clang of his depressing finale.

So, instead I got up from my seat, bones heavy as I swayed where I stood, numb from the alcohol but craving a breath of fresh air to pull me from my state. I took a shaking step forward, holding the liquor bottle close to my chest, almost cradling it. I waved Loki off as he moved towards me to help, and broke the silence then, my jarring footsteps sounding as I walked toward the back door and let myself out into the vibrant garden of youth. My garden.

The floral, fresh smell hit me almost immediately. My nose wrinkled immediately, not an unpleasant reflex, but a soft scrunch that could have almost looked innocent on anyone's fresh face but mine. But paired with my deep blue eyebags, I just looked disgusted, upset, wary. A look I could never seem to rid myself off. Maybe I just reeked of the trauma that pooled from me, seeping from every corner of my face, my bones, my body.

I was quick to work as I trimmed each stray leaf and withered petal off the bushes and plants I passed, finally coming to the grand white rose bush that stood proud in the middle of my garden. It had lost its bittersweet appeal and now I just wanted rid of it. I'd never managed to kill the parasite that leeched off of it and now I had lost hope. I began to trim it, carefully snipping the blackened branches that had been poisoned despite my best efforts. It had been my favourite plant in the garden. Now I looked at it in disdain.

"Beautiful garden."

The voice caught me off guard. unfortunately for me, and I'd only just managed to clip a leaf and get a hold of myself before I jumped at the intrusion and thrust my shears into their neck. I had a feeling the only reason I hadn't done just that was for only the nature of the voice that had carried over to me, soft, with a rosy lilt.

A strained smile had stretched the stiff muscles of my cheeks as I turned to her, picking a stray branch off of my jumper as I watched her bright blue eyes scour the pretty colours that glittered my garden. Her beam was as fresh as the aroma drifting through the air and the blossom close to her face seemed to have brushed by her cheeks, dusting them in the same stunning, flushed coral.

As I stared at her, noting her warm closeness, I began to realise just how much she fit in with the surrounding beauty, her innocence a kind sustenance for the budding life around her. She breathed a new life into every petal I'd dulled and poisoned with my cold fingertips. And in that moment I felt much like another of the unwelcome weeds I'd spent so many hours trying to rid the garden of, to no avail. Maybe I should have just removed myself.

"Yeah, it's something." I breathed in an attempt at a light tone, something I generally excelled at any other time. But I couldn't quite get it right as I spoke this time, and just for a moment her eyes fluttered towards mine, softening as she smiled warmly. Her eyes glittered with a comforting sympathy, a look I usually despised. But when it was her, it just felt like maybe, for one moment, my pain wasn't so bad.

"I wouldn't have pegged you as a gardener, I'm gonna be honest." She admitted airily, her words dropping off into a musical chuckle as she spoke. For a second, it became a little harder to restrain my light smile, but I managed to get a hold of it and nodded a little, leaning to my right to snip a branch from the bush next to me. Her eyes never left me, and soon I grew, almost uncomfortable in her stare, wondering why I felt not a single shred of threat from this woman, why I was so dangerously inclined to trust her.

She didn't speak again, her tightly wound smile spoke for her, and I knew she was waiting for something more. She knew there was more to this than I let on. And she was right. With a heavy sigh, I clipped another branch and stood upright, glancing over the multicoloured sea of flowers that grew over the huge span of my garden, weaving in flashes of every colour known to the human eye.

"It helps." I supplied, my voice a little wary as I shrugged and tried not to think about the words falling from my mouth. Her brow dipped ever so slightly as her warm smile spread further, requesting elaboration as I attempted to avoid her comforting gaze. Fuck it. She may as well know. Then if I was lucky she might decide it best for her to leave immediately, child and all.

I turned to her, wiping the unnatural smile off my face that had only been for decoration, hanging there for shallow pleasantries and the like. I gestured to the rows upon rows of thriving colour and origami leaves that took up most of the space in my overly large yard. A quiet sigh left me, and I felt helpless for once.

"every single one of these plants are important." My voice came out barely a whisper.

"there's one for every victim I carry the weight of guilt for." I explained bluntly, the body of my voice cracking and falling under the pressure of my words. She blinked, her eyes crawling with a multitude of emotions as she just watched, waited, no judgement ever staining the softened contours of her face.

"a plant for every innocent child who's parent I've murdered, every unfortunate soul that had fallen onto my path when I had a job to do. Every unnecessary death. Every necessary death." I paused, dragging in a shaking breath as I knelt and she followed. I tugged up the roots of the plant in front of me, with the white roses, giving it my all as I pulled it from the ground bit by bit.

"You remember them all." She uttered quietly, and it wasn't a question, it was a statement, one that bled with something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

"Unfortunately, yes."

"And this helps?"

"It lifts just a little of the guilt from me. See I've convinced myself it's even slightly a good enough tribute to their memory. When in reality it's just my pathetic way of getting by." I nodded quietly, tearing a root up where it didn't seem to want to let go of the soil around it.

"I could name every single fucking one." I grated out, wiping the mud from my cheek with my sleeve as I uprooted another section of the large, stunning bush. I felt her shift as she leaned closer, and I froze, careful to be still as she took the head of one of the snowy petal flowers close to my hand between her fingertips. Leaning forward, she took a deep breath through her nose and the corners of her mouth stretched even further upwards.

"And this one? who's is this, and why are you tearing it up?" She queried softly as I took my shears and swiftly snipped the bottom of the branch under her fingers. Her smile grew ever wider and she whispered a quiet thank you as she brought it to her nose again.

"It's had a parasite for as long as its been living, I think it's time to let it go...and...it was my brothers." I spoke quietly, feeling her eyes swivel over to me as I uprooted the last of the flower bush, dumping the rest in the biodegradable bag I had clutched in my hand. Her sigh was almost tangible and when I stood she stood with me, still holding the glimmering white petals in her palm.

"I wouldn't forgive him either." She spoke quietly, darkly, with maybe even the slightest tone of mischief bubbling under her words. If i'd expected her to say anything it wasn't that. I was silenced for a good while, pouring over her statement curiously without so much as a breath, though thankfully she continued.

"To be left in that agony for so long, lying in your guilt over something you never did. And he'd known the whole time. He was just too fearful to rectify it, though he would never admit that."

I was quiet, my heart buzzing as I sprayed a decent amount of weed killer over the large problem patch next to my hydrangeas. And then I moved on, and she followed.

"I'd been trying to convince him to see you for years now, and he'd always brushed me off. But this visit- this was off his own back. I think he'd changed his mind, he'd been thinking. I have the sneaky feeling it had something to do with the pregnancy." She added airily, talking to the wind if no one else.

"Congratulations on that by the way." I supplied curtly, choosing not to address the other things she'd spoken of. I doubt my head was even in a good place to address it to myself.

"Thank you" She smiled, then a curious look took over her expression. "....are you? do you? Have you ever tried for one yourself?" She queried and I snipped a branch hanging over my head, a little harder than i'd needed to, disguising my reaction as the claw that had dragged a jarring path down my spine left a scarred wound after her question. A stuttering breath left me and I forced a grim smile on my face as my eyes naturally dipped down to gaze over the visible bump protruding from her stomach.

"No." I said simply, already hating the words as they trembled in the air between us. I'd hoped that would be enough, but I could already feel her burning stare, solidifying my suspicion she'd need more of an answer than that. And and for some reason I couldn't deny her of that. Damn her.

"I wouldn't ever....I couldn't, really. In more ways than one."

"Why's that?"

God she was as delicate as a fucking jack hammer.

"Well, firstly, I could never be that selfish." I uttered quietly, turning away so my cracking words could be read quicker than the look on my face. I poured a little water on my precious little handkerchief tree, still refusing to look back at her inexplicable, warm figure behind me.

"To bring an innocent being into this world I've created for myself would be a crime, more unforgivable than any of these." I spoke, gesturing again to the hoards of flowers around us.

"To raise that ignorant being in this battleground, with it knowing nothing but fear, hatred and loss. To risk another life being taken from me. To risk it's mother being taken from it. To risk it all, for something that should never have happened. It would be the worst mistake I'd ever created in my existence. My mistake. Once again."

She was silent for a while, her quiet gaze falling upon me, not so judgemental as i thought it would be, as it should have been; but soft, and understanding.

"and the other reason?"

"reasons." I corrected her quietly, a sombre smile weaving into my grimace that I tossed back at her with all the care of an empty soda can.

"I'm selfish." I spoke bluntly.

"I've seen too much, I hold too much weight, I've witnessed too many losses and broken too many times. I've seen what happens to children who I've made orphans by my own bloody hand. I've destroyed too much. And I don't think I could bear that much guilt of destroying something as precious as that as well." I explained quietly, the strong kneeling position i'd been in, now crumbling to a defeated slump as I tried to ignore the sympathetic sigh that wavered and fell from her mouth.

"Apart from the fact that I physically can't anyway."

She frowned lightly and I bit my cheek, deciding I was already in so deep I'd never fully surface again, so I may as well keep going. Like I have nothing left to hold closed to myself anymore.

"Too many drug trials. Too many experiments.Too many mutations. Too much torture. Too much physical trauma... my reproductive system packed it in long ago." I spoke with a final gust of breath that could have almost resembled a laugh. But it sounded choked, frail.

"And not forgetting the most important part. I would truly suck ass at parenting." I finished with a grim smile, noting her sad smirk as she turned her head, looking back at the house, observing something. I didn't follow her gaze but I knew what was there, what was going through her mind.

"And that Loki guy-.."

"An agent..." I supplied monotonously.

"and the girl?"

"Smaller...agent."

She broke into a slight grin then and let out a small breath that seemed like a helpless sigh, for me.

"so you're not..."

"Just a few broken people who've seen too much; lives interwoven by chance." I confirmed for her and this time I elicited a slight chuckle as she turned to me, her eyes glittering.

"Quite the poet you are." She smirked dryly. I raised an eyebrow and bit back a chuckle, dragging myself up from the grass as I offered her a hand.

"Come off it love." I smirked, disposing off the greenery as I dusted off my hands.

~~~~~~~~~~~

The kitchen was unnervingly quiet as we sat there in silence, listening only to the sound of Charlie stumbling about cooking something she'd offered to whip up for all of us, trying to disguise the uncomfortable silence as she clanged pots and pans together and cringed all the same. This time as an arm came round me, I didn't shrug it off as I had done before. Being well and truly exhausted, I melted into his embrace and let out a quiet breath as I felt the chilled form of his chest press into my back. A little of the weight I was suffocating under seemed to lift just a bit and I pressed into him further, clasping my hands together in front of me and avoiding the two pairs of eyes watching me from across the table. I briefly pondered over which of them would break the silence first.

"I don't like this- that you're living with...him."

ah.

"That's cute hun." I uttered lightly, a small smirk crawling into my mouth as I tried to hide the sneer that flared up as my anger had.

"He's dangerous. You don't know what he's capable of." Jack continued, his frown deepening as I finally snapped my head up, ignoring the scoff from behind me and the way Charlie tried to hide her snicker behind a cough. I bit my cheek, tasting blood as I tried to refrain from killing this audacious son of a bitch. The woman next to him threw him a withering glare and lightly shook her head as he looked to her for support.

"I'm serious Abby! This dude really killed a bunch of people and tried to take over the world and we're just sat here pretending it's cool he's fucking my sister." He blurted out incredulously, and I clenched my fists, grabbing Loki's arm around me when I felt him stiffen and he let go of a barely audible warning growl. I gave him a quick reassuring squeeze and cleared my throat, watching as the woman, who I'd only just remembered was called Abby, glared furiously at Jack, wordlessly telling him to shut the fuck up. But he wasn't going to stop any time soon. So I stood, ignoring Loki telling me to try not to kill him quietly i'm my ear, and glared right at him, glad to see a glimmer of wariness streaking through Jack's strong gaze.

"If you guys are gonna have a duel please for the love of god, do it away from my meatballs much appreciated." Charlie piped up, shielding her tray as she brought them out the oven and sending me an amused, raised eyebrow. Jack ignored her and stood from his chair. He opened his mouth to speak before I swiftly cut him off.

"You let me believe you were dead for over a decade, letting me bear the guilt that I killed you for so long without having the balls to find me and tell me otherwise...and now you think you're in a position to criticise who I decide to sleep with?" I scoffed indignantly, a small smile winding onto my face as his blind audacity struck me so hard I almost laughed at his expense.

His face dropped. His gaze fell, brimming with the same familiar guilt I'd seen swimming in my foggy gaze for as long as I could remember. And his shoulders sunk as he looked back at me, his misplaced superiority now reduced to a grovelling mess.

"I'm sorry it took this long Rory..." He began and I clenched my jaw tight, feeling a heavy ache hanging from my ribs and my throat as that name filtered through the air, hitting me in the face with a familiarity that stung my eyes, yet no tears brimmed, instead I just felt the burning heat of my glare searing the lower lash line of my eyelid.

"I just don't want you to get hurt, I don't want to lose you when I've only just found you again." He finished, with a quick glance at the tensed figure holding me tightly to them, and this time I couldn't hold back the laugh that crackled out from my throat as his sincerity turned sour in the air and fell right back at him in fleets of razor sharp blades.

"oh FUCK that's rich. The one person who caused me the most pain I'd ever experienced is now worried about me getting hurt." I scoffed, suddenly irritated as I sat back in the chair, breathing fast as I held back, close to slitting his neck.

"You don't understand, Rory." He pleaded

"Oh please-"

"I wanted to find you, for so long. And I did, I found you after so long of searching I found you. And how do you think I was supposed to feel when I find out you'd gone with...with them. The very same agency that turned our parents into...fucking monsters."

"For fuck's sake Jack, you know they lost the right to be parents way before they got taken in at SHIELD." I ground out irritably, unappreciative of the nostalgia Jack was handing me, like I hadn't had enough of that already today.

"SHIELD didn't force them to experiment on their own god damn children, they did that off their own back. You know that."

"They stopped caring after SHIELD."

"They never cared in the first place." I spat, becoming increasingly pissed off, and all of a sudden wanting nothing more than for him to leave, for all the memories of today to seep out of my mind. Even if it meant living with the guilt of a dead brother. I preferred that truth to this pain.

"Why did you even come back here. You should've stayed dead." I cut through the unresponsive silence, unyielding in my words, ignoring the stuttering exhale that wavered off of Abby's lips as she threw me a sideways glance that bled with a sympathy that was directed at the both of us, at our lost relationship, at the bond that used to be.

When Jack stayed silent, she sighed, levering herself off of her chair as she ignored the muttered words from Charlie, still stirring her sauce at the stovetop. When she spoke, her words were strong and soft at the same time, but painful all the same.

"We came back for you, for this. We wanted you to be a part of our child's life. You're all they have left hun."
~~~~~~~~~

leeetle bit of a short one today buuuut I'm very busy and life is very not cool and I'm low-key on the verge of watching every single disney movie to procrastinate my work even more.....how are yous doing anyway....

so like I hope yous enjoy this chapter even if it's probably the most depressing one i've ever written ✌️😗

have a great day/night and I will manifest you some good vibes rn

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