||Jamilla Tate|| First Person ||

        "Hey, Jamilla--"

        I stop dead in my tracks when I hear my name being called by none other than Josh, the honest to God last person that I want to see when I'm feeling like a mess and my thoughts are flying everywhere rapidly. I can already anticipate that he's going to ask me about what happened with Garrett today, but I'm not in the mood for him to bother me any more about my relationship status with the photography student that I met only a few days back. I almost continue walking and ignore him, but Josh is slipping out of his room and stopping right in front of me, a wide grin on his face that is enough to deter me from my actions.

        "Josh, I really have to get to class--"

        "I'll be quick." He grins at me, and it's almost like he knows the effect that his smile has on me because I'm falling back in my step and leaning against the wall, staring up at him impatiently. "Halloween costume shopping-- you, me, and some sick as frick costumes!" Josh says excitedly, and I can't help but shake my head with laughter at his proposition. "Come on, it'll be great!"

        "Sick as frick? Really, Josh?" I rub my face with my hand, sighing despite the fact that there's a lingering trace of a smile curling my lips up at the corners. "I don't know..."

        "Halloween is six days away, Jami! We gotta," Josh tells me, and I only shake my head and huff out a tired "Okay, alright." Josh smiles triumphantly at me, the tension from our argument before my date with Garrett absent between us. I look down at my boots and avoid looking up at him, feeling a sense of dread filling within me when I remember that my parents are going to try to bring me back to Cleveland at the end of the semester. I know that Josh and I have our misunderstandings between each other and it makes me so angry, but I know that I don't want to put that behind me for good.

        "I'll pick you up after your class and we can go, okay?" Josh says, forcing me to look back up at him and nod my head in agreement. Josh stares at me for a second, studying my expression of false delight like he can practically see straight through it, and without him saying a word to me, I suddenly find myself being held in his arms. Josh wraps me up in a careful yet tight hug that makes my heart feel like it's almost swelling within the confines in my chest, and without letting myself think about it, I hug him back. I press my face against the fabric of his sweater and grip the back of his sweater in my trembling hands, refusing to allow myself to cry the tears that I want to let out.

        "I'm sorry, I'm just not in the right headspace." I mumble into his shirt regretfully. Josh hooks one of his arms around my head and runs his hand through my hair soothingly, stroking the back of my head, and I can't help but notice that he's incredibly good at the whole comforting thing. I hold onto him tighter than before. "Just some family stuff and I don't know what to do..." I try to explain as vaguely as possible to him, and he only nods in response rather than prying further.

        "I'll walk you to your class, hm?" Josh mumbles into my curly hair, and I only nod in response for fear that my voice would crack if I spoke anymore. "You're okay, Jami, you're good." He pulls away from me and I slowly unravel my hands from his sweater, settling for him wrapping his arm around my shoulder and leading me down the hallway towards the elevators.

        In an attempt to get my mind off of the reality that my whereabouts are no longer a mystery to my parents, I feverishly take in depth notes on the French Revolution in my History lecture so I won't have to think about anything other than angry French people. The only reason why I'm not a pathetic, sobbing mess is because Josh promised me that after my two hour lecture, we'd go costume shopping and we'd get something to eat after. I'm sure that I could have just as easily went to Tara or Scarlet or Becca about what's going on and gotten their support, but they'd probably try to get me to talk about my feelings when all I really just want to escape them.

        What Josh is offering me is an escape from thinking about my parents and the mess of me that they left in their wake-- he isn't making me tell him how I feel and why I feel it; he's allowing me the opportunity to get my mind off of everything that is stressing me out and I really need thast. Josh is the freedom that I want to have so badly, he's the liberation that I need desperately. He's everything that I wish I could be-- he's so sure of himself.

        My hand is cramping up and my eyes are sore by the end of class, but I feel a sense of rejuvenation when I remember that I get the gracious opportunity to escape my thoughts with Josh for just a little bit as I'm packing up my books and stuffing them into my bag. I hurry down the steps and practically sprint for the door, tugging it open and stepping outside into the chilly breeze. I brace myself against the cold as I cross my arms over my chest, looking around to locate the brunette that said he'd pick me up outside of class.

        "You should really invest in a proper jacket," I turn around when I hear the familiar voice belonging to Josh Dun, my heart almost skipping a beat when I see the taller boy looking up from his cell phone with a small smile. He walks over to me and tosses an arm over my shoulder, ruffling my hair annoyingly as he begins to lead us away from my classroom to the parking lot, all the while squinting through the lenses of his sunglasses.

        "Josh, it's cold out-- why do you need sunglasses?" I ask him, and then he's suddenly looking down at me in bewilderment, his lips parting and his jaw going slack. He looks at me like I just said that My Chemical Romance was a terrible band.

        "You did not just ask me that." He mutters, his breath visible in the biting cold air. "She did not just ask me that." He says as he turns his head away from me. I swat at his arm, earning a hearty laugh from him as he shrinks away from my attack. I roll my eyes and tuck my freezing cold fingers into my jacket pockets, huffing out a cloud of my breath. Josh looks over at me for a moment. "You're turning red, Jami. Do you wanna go back--?"

        "No, no, I'll survive." I say stubbornly, trudging on through the wind as we head for the parking lot where his Jeep awaits us. I'm thanking God by the time that we reach his car, my hand clenching the bitter cold door handle in anticipation for him to unlock the doors. When Josh does, I immediately bound into the passenger's seat, shutting the door after me eagerly just as Josh is clambering in. He closes the door after receiving harsh complaints from me, laughing earnestly.

        "I might have a blanket in the back seat-- Mom always tells me to have one for emergencies." Josh mumbles in passing as he turns around in his seat and cranes his neck in search of the blanket. I go to protest making him have to retrieve it for me, but he's already pulling up the dark blue bundle of warmth from his backseat and tossing it over me with a triumphant smile. "Better?" He asks, and I bite my tongue and nod my head.

        "Thanks," I mumble quietly into the folds of the blanket, thinking to myself that I'm glad that it smells like him. I rest my head against the window and shift my body so that I have a clear view of both Josh and the road ahead, feeling a strange sense of safety at the moment. I look at Josh, who's dropping his phone into the cup holder between us after going through it, and I feel a strong sense of gratitude is due towards him. I don't realize that the words have escaped my mouth until I hear them. "Thanks for being my friend."

        "I take it that you're not used to it?" He says carefully as he twists his key in the ignition, the engine sputtering to life noisily. I nod my head softly, averting my gaze to the features in his car, staring at the different knobs and buttons blankly. "Well, get used to it. You're with me now." Josh grins at me, and I can't help but feel a stab in my gut when I think that this will all be over soon. My parents will come to Columbus at the end of the semester and pull me out of school and I'll have to go back to that shoddy apartment in Cleveland. "Whatever's bothering you..." He trails off.

        "There's nothing bothering me," I say stubbornly, but my voice is weak and the frown on my face gives it away. Josh shakes his head as he backs out of his parking spot, his sunglasses still over his face and his eyes focused on the road ahead.

        "There's that little crease," he tells me, "right above your eyebrows." I huff in response and wrap his blanket tighter around my torso, averting my gaze to the windshield. Josh keeps quiet for a moment, his hand reaching for the dials on the radio so he could turn the volume down. I can vaguely hear a pop punk song pouring through the speakers as Josh drives, the silence hovering around us being a comfortable one that I don't mind at all.

         "When will I get to know you?" I ask him curiously. Josh turns his head to glance at me, but I can't tell what he's thinking about the question because of the sunglasses covering a good portion of his face.

         "I thought you already know me," he replies smoothly. I twiddle my fingers for a moment, unsure of what to say next.

         "There's an absence..." I mumble softly. "I know you, but there's an absence of you. Like, I know there's more to Josh Dun than you make it out to be."

         "I swear, the more you hang out with Tara, the more you start talking like her." Josh chuckles easily as he shifts in his seat slightly, flicking his blinker light on swiftly as he prepares to make a right turn onto the main roads. "I don't know... I guess there's more to everyone than we let on. What's my absence again?" He grins at me, causing me to make a face and lean forward to swat his upper bicep. He laughs at me as I settle back down in my seat, a scowl resting on my face.

         "Your absence is your manners," I fire at him, and with one hand on the steering wheel, Josh holds his chest around the area where his heart would be and feigns chest pains.

         "Cuts deep, Jami," Josh tells me, looking over at me with a wide smile that makes me suddenly want to reach out and kiss his stupid face. I suddenly remember Garrett though, and despite the fact that there's nothing necessarily going on between us yet, I still feel guilty for thinking about kissing Josh when I just went on a date with him. I close my eyes and rest my forehead on the cold glass of the window.

         "There's an absence, I'm just not sure what." I tell him honestly, inhaling slowly. Josh is quiet for a moment, the only sound being the cars speeding down the road and the wind whistling just outside of the window. I don't open my eyes as he speaks.

        "I think I might have an idea about your absence." Josh says, his voice cautious almost, like he's scared of saying the wrong thing in this moment. "It's there, and I see it in the little things. It's all this stuff about taking your best chance, and I think it has something to do with what you left back in Cincinnati." I forgot that I lied about where I came from to him, and something about the fact that that was just another one of my absences makes me feel guilty. How can I be pressuring him to tell me about himself when all I've ever done was lie about myself? "Hot or cold?"

        "Getting warm," I whisper reluctantly.

        "Am I ever going to know who you are?" Josh asks me. I shift in my seat, tucking my chin underneath the blanket.

        "Sooner than I'd like." I mumble dejectedly. "You?"

        "I'm getting there."