I am the one who seeks.

I start to let myself go. Even known my guts are telling me no. I can't help, but feel like I'm trapped in a film, with a horrible blot and cliffhanger that will make me die once more. I already don't have a beating heart, but I can tell that love is a lie. It's not the power that I sought, I was looking for something more, unfortunately that never came my way and I was left to drown until my last day.

And here I can hear the clock counting seconds that are left for me. I think I said all I could say, all I wanted to say. I think I cried my eyes out and I just want them to dry once before I close them forever. I wish to see your bright faces my brothers, but guess this is my punishment. Nothing could wash my guilt off for tasting the forbidden fruit yet until the last second I had hope that I'll see you once again. I shouldn't have trusted that feeling. It was wrong. I knew from the start it wouldn't happen, my consciousness warned me, but I listened to my heart and it lied. Now I will never see you again.

It's okay... I don't want to cry anymore. And I couldn't anyways. My tears are like lava, they are made out fire. They burn my skin as they touch my face, they stream down my cheeks and lay on my chest burning a hole there that could never be filled no matter how hard I tried. I just want to curl into a ball and die. Is it too much to ask for? Guess it is, for what I have done death would be too easy of a way out.

Not every goodbye has to be sad or eternal. You don't have to shed a tear when you wave so long to your mate. Long lost, but finally found. My never-ending path to the gates of Paradise that I seek. I can't promise that this goodbye isn't forever. But I do have hope that it isn't. I'll see you once again my brothers, in a light of heaven. And when grim reaper comes for me I'll be nothing more than just a body, an empty bowl, with a soul torn apart.

I would like to cut each of you a piece. To just chop off a part the good that's left of me. I want to spread to you all evenly and see it guard you along your rough roads. I want to see pieces of my torn soul waking side to side with you as you take on your paths of life... but my soul is too dark, if I even have one. I can't give what I wish to give and I can't even reach what I sought for so long. The answer to it all. The meaning of life that led me to hell. I can't have it, because I sinned along the way. But may I ask you one last favor?

Never stop running. Never look back. Never regret. Find the answer.