I am my own happiness and my own anxiety. I wanna be free from freedom. I am happy, but unhappy. If I want to know who I am or who will I become I have to look at my reflection. Not in the mirror, not in the shattered glass. But in the flowing river that always pass, it's never the same, it's never back to the same traits and even if we were to stand on the coast together rubbing shoudler against shoulder, even if our lives has touched each other, we're still just strangers in this stormy weather.

Friends. Lovers. Brothers. Those words mean nothing. They are just garbage thrown away in an early morning with the rest of the trash, taken away and never seen again. And never cared for again. It's no longer your problem, it's no longer your burden. Once it's out of your sight you can just forget it, they don't matter anymore. Friends? They are useless. The power that keeps you going, the strength coming from them? It's not real, it's not true. You're always on your own. You're always alone. You're the one that keeps yourself going no matter what. Not friends, not lovers, not brothers.

That's what you always tried to prove to be wrong, Namjoon. And I believed you. Oh, I believed you. I looked up at you like you were my saver, like yours were gonna wash my sins away. I looked up at you like you were my light to guide my way in the darkness which I stumbled upon in my life. You were somehow always there. For me or just to prove your point? Guess, I'll never know. But you were there and I appreciated it.

Wings as dark as the night. Chocolate wings. Wings made of nightmares collected from people all over the world. Wings made out of fears, the worst kind of pains. A set of wings that set war and panic around the globe. Wings that weren't made to fly, only to fall. Wings as hard as a rock, wings as weighty as the world. You couldn't fly with them, you couldn't even get up with them from the ground. Because they were the eternal reminders of what have you done and what you will become. A dust of the earth.

Where were you when I needed you most, Namjoon? When I needed to lean on you? When I needed you to prove it wrong and be that friend, that power that would keep me going? Where were you?!? I'm asking you! Answer me! Don't you dare look away! Don't you dare close your eyes! Tell me... why was it just words after all?

I'm not mad that you couldn't pick up when I needed you most... I'm mad that you made me believe that you would.

And you didn't.

I wish I could love myself the way I am. But I just want to tear these dark wings off my body so I would never have to look at myself with them on my back ever again. They disgust me. My doings and choices disgust me. I disgust myself. I wish I could forgive myself for not being able to forgive. I want to believe that it's possible, but I don't want to believe anything anymore.

I got my hopes up too high once and you proved me with your actions that I shouldn't have. That I shouldn't have trusted, that I shouldn't have believed. And these wings will forever remind me of that lesson. Thank you for teaching me, Namjoon.