I wish to hug you, human touch is what I crave. The desire is burning from within, it feels like there's hell inside my guts. It burnt every single thing I had in me. Every story, every memory, every believe, every feel. Everything. There's nothing left of whom I was. Not even the smallest evidence is there, it has all been destroyed by the flames of the place that I belong in. The place that from now on to forever I will have to call my own, because that's what I chose with my own actions. That's the responsibility I will have to take upon myself.

I always saw you giving yourself bit by bit to others, you barely ever had yourself for your own, because there was always someone who needed you more than you did. At least that's what you believed, Hoseok. And that's what you once taught me to believe in. If that wouldn't have burnt with the rest of the things that made me myself, I would probably never try to look for someone or something to blame for my suffering. But as there's nothing left, as it all destructed when I entered hell, I am forever looking for someone whom to put the blame on.

The fault is all mine, but I will never admit it. And I know for a fact, that if you could you would take it upon yourself. If only you knew where I was and what I was doing. But you're probably thinking that I found the way out and left you all without saying a word. You wouldn't be wrong, you were the selfless one, not me. But you are also the only one who wouldn't put such pressure on me. I know, I am certain, that even if I faced you, admitting to all my sins that I have committed, you would smile at me with that smile that I loved so much and hug me like I wish you would, saying that it's gonna be alright.

That smile that would bring my mood up, the smile that made me believe in the brighter tomorrow. That made me see good in everyone no matter how long they have been hiding in the shadows, no matter how hard they tried to mask their goodness. That smile that made me believe that you were the one meant to save us all from what was yet to come and to destroy us.

I'm not mad at you for not stopping me before I committed a sin that I would regret later. I'm mad that I believed you would stop me.

Do you know why I look up to the sky? To see the sun rising? To see the moon shining? To see a star falling? Maybe... but most of all I just hope to see an angel flying by. The Angel that I hoped to be. I wish I could stop this pain burning inside me, it's ruining me. The guilt is suffocating me.

But once your smile turned upside down, my world lost color, my believes shattered. I went to hell.