(The photo has nothing to do with this story but...This time Ko is basically me so you know what that means, he's gonna be extra self deprecating today. Yay!)

He shouldn't do this, not really. It's not only disrespectful to himself, but also the only person that's given him hope in the past few years. He's soiling the beautiful name of his by thinking of him, calling for him, when he's doing something so filthy. This is a new low, even for him, a man who has less countable value than a single speck of dirt or sand. He shudders as Hinata's imagined presence steps closer to him. He's horrible, disgusting for dragging him into his sick perverted daydreams. Anything he's too ashamed to tell him is labeled as bad and taboo in his head. He could think of any person but of course his mind chooses the one pure, untouchable figure in his life. He can't dictate his biology, but the least he could do is not disgust himself by ruining the very idea of him, of Hajime Hinata. He could, at the very least, not imagine such a gift creeping closer, with a reassuring smile and expectant hands...

Most of all though, he definitely shouldn't imagine Hajime enjoying fucking something as despicable and filthy as he

Hajime grimaces. He knows how they got here. He can't pretend he doesn't. He can't pretend he's in one of those erotic novels you "accidentally" pick up and see those words then decided whether that's something you would enjoy or not. He can't act like he's not holding Komaeda close to him. He can't pretend that he's not short of breath or how Komaeda's still talking. He hates it personally, not because it's unnecessary noise and he can't help but get distracted by the sound of his voice ragged and shaky and full of passion, but because he can't make him say anything different.

"Really, you should raise" he let's out a shaky sigh "your standards. Someone as..great as you, could have so much better" his hands slip on the fiberglass as Hajime's grip on his hips loosens for a just a moment before tightening out of agitation. "Really, you could have anything, b-but nothing makes my life better than h-having you choose me"

Komaeda nearly breathed in the water as Hajime suddenly stoped. "Ko," he forced him turn his head so he can look into his eyes "do you really think that lowly of your life?" Hajime knew the answer already. He had listened to his countless speeches, to the long disagreements over the fact that he was worthless and didn't deserve someone such as him. "Hajime... I don't think anything of my life" came the expected reply, followed by a coy smile. Hajime glared, making the other male pout.

Komaeda's breath caught in his throat as he almost reached his limit. Words tumbled out of his mouth proudly, as if he had free reign to cry out Hinata's name without fear of him hearing and be even more disgusted by him than he most likely already was. Komaeda's mind wondered away from his own pleasure and sick, disgusting fantasies as he contemplated the idea. What would he say if he found him talking to himself while moaning out his name quietly. He wasn't loud, but it would be his luck to be found out and kicked out by the only one he had left. He would probably deserve it, Hajime would only be able to stand so much of him before he would have enough. Komaeda lost sight of what he was doing as he felt a different hot liquid run down his face. Well, on the brightside, crying is less shameful than that. He wiped at his face as he sunk to the floor of the shower

He needed to get out. The water wasn't even warm at this point, but he was wrapped up in his fantasies. He bounced back and forth between Hajime kicking him out violently after the two started to fall out quickly because of Hajime finally realizing what a worthless piece of garbage he was, and him finding a pleasure in having his sunburn sting from being pushed into the hot water as Hajime did the same motions that he was actually doing to himself. He surrounded himself with delusions so often that he feared that he fabricated Hajime's whole personality to his liking. So that it lacked any of those human flaws that got in the way of their time together. He worried he was in love with the Hajime in his head and if he ever got close to the real one he would realize that he was nothing like his own creation. He had to stay at arms reach if he wanted to continue living in a world where Hajime's only job was taking care of him and he would never even have the possibility of getting mad when Komaeda messed up again.

Komaeda blinked, unaware as to when his eyes landed on the bath wall. That would be so tiring and annoying. Komaeda wasn't sure where to look as he reached this groundbreaking conclusion. He examined his hands as he thought

"At first it would be great. Of course it would. But after months of spending 24/7 he knew he'd grow sick of it. Which, in hindsight, is a sentence he never thought he'd say. He loved spending time with him, but that was because he had so little time with him. He only wished for more moments like his confession to all the abuse preformed on him because they were so rare and precious. He only wanted more time because he had some of his best memories talking to Hajime. He made a Hajime who spent every moment with him even though he knew deep down that's not what he ever wanted. He just wanted Hajime really. He desperately wanted to be loved by someone impossibly better than he was

Than he'd ever be.