So I recently got laid off on Friday, I was completely blindsided, the day was going great, I was having fun working and chatting with my coworkers, and next thing I knew is I was getting laid off. I mean it's common for this to happen in the trades, job sites close and people get laid off, I just wasn't expecting it.

Now I'm looking for a new company and I see they have a posting up looking for a apprentice and I'm wondering if it was actually due to a lack of work, that's what they told me but it makes me wonder if it was something  I did. I just don't get it, I always got good feedback on my work, no one ever gave me bad feedback or things I should work on.

Just another reason for me to feel like I can't do anything right or good enough, idk, maybe it's for the best, but it hurts, I really liked that company and the people.

I've just kinda felt numb since Friday, spent the weekend getting stoned and drunk but I can't avoid the pit thats sitting in my stomach, can't silence that voice that keeps saying "You'll never be good enough. You can try as hard as you want but it will never be enough for the people around you."

I know things will get better but right now I just feel empty and lost.

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Now I'm going to give a warning to anyone who might read this, I'm about to get into a past situation that involves attempted suicide, so if you are sensitive to those topics please don't read further.

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I don't know why it's on my mind so much right now, maybe it's because it happened in January.

Quite a few years ago I got into a really bad spot, I was in junior high, in Elementary I was a A+ student, but as the years went on my grades dropped, I didn't understand why, I'd do fine at home or with the tutor but then I'd get 50 or 60 on my tests, even though I studied and tried my best.

My aunt always told me that as long as I tried my best then it was okay, but I'd tell her I tried my best and she'd say she knew I could do better, but I kept trying and I could never make her happy.

Tom top of that I was struggling to come to terms with the fact I was trans, my dad always spoke negatively of the lgbtq+ community so I didn't want to believe I was part of it. For a long time I'd force myself to be feminine to the point that I would have mental breakdown.

Then I think it was grade 8, some stuff happened and I had a major fight with my family, I was in a dark place and I couldn't handle it, I felt completely alone and that my family would be better off without me.

So one night I got up at midnight, wrote a note that I put under my pillow, I then got up, went to the bathroom, grabbed my aunts bottle of sleeping pills and a pack of Advil and I swallowed as many as I could before passing out.

The next thing I remembered was laying on the couch watching national treasure, that's was two day later, I don't remember anything from those two days. I think my aunt knew what had actually happened but she's never brought it up, we both hold to the story that I had a bad reaction to a Advil I had taken, even though that's a lie.

Sometimes I wish it was been the end of me, but at the same time I'm glad I didn't overdose, I think it may have caused me some long term consequences, stuff that only started happening after the incident, but who knows, could just be a coincidence.

I find myself thinking about this a lot, especially when I'm in a down mood, and I'll admit, I've considered trying it again, but this time I know to mix it with alcohol.

It's sad to admit that I constantly think of death, that it would be better than what this world is becoming, that I'd finally maybe be at peace, but then I think of the people I love, my family, my friends and I can't leave them. I can't make them go through that type of heartbreak, so I stay strong for them, I push through for them, they are my anchors to reality.

I've always put other before me, and I guess I'm a way this is just another way I do that, I'm not happy, I'm struggling, but I act like I'm happy, I pretend everything is fine so they don't worry, so my actual feeling don't bring them down. Part of it might be because growing up my aunt always said "It's nice that you're always so happy, I've never seen you sad." So I think that cause me to believe that I couldn't show when I was sad, and that I should always be happy.

It's weird, wanting to die but not wanting to die, I think about that a lot, and pet of me wonders if that's normal or if I need help.

I'm starting to believe I need help, professional help.

My family doesn't think there's anything wrong with me, but I think I have stuff that's undiagnosed.

Anyways that's it for tonight, tomorrow's another day.

Have a good nigh/day.