It is currently Sunday night and I am dreading the inevitable;  aka Monday. I have so many mixed feelings,  I am sad, embarrassed, angry and irritated at myself.  I can't believe I ruined the potential friendship I could have had with Tyler on such a stupid impulse. Times like this were when my self-hatred grew to the size of a giant monster looming in the background,  it usually was just a midi monster or a mini monster on good days.

I was so sure that when I saw Tyler tomorrow, one of two things will happen; he will ignore my existence or he will absolutely ignore my existence. I just hope I don't run into him this week at all because I don't think I could handle it. My heart physically aches in my chest as I think of how awkward it'll be if I run into him the next day.  I even planned on skipping all the classes I have with him just to make sure I don't run into him.

.

"We have a test?", I asked the girl beside me.

"Yeah, he wanted it to be a surprise test but Tom saw the quiz when he went to his office."

I had planned to skip the next class because I have the class with Tyler but now that I have a test, I can't.  Everyone is aware that Mr Corny always takes his tests seriously and I never played with my grades.

.....

"Put your notes and textbooks away and get ready for a quiz. This quiz will make 10% of your assessment so I suggest you take it seriously. ", Mr Corny said.

I was ready for the quiz, I like stochiometry and I am certain that would be what we would be quizzed on. Yet, I feel nervous, Tyler wasn't in class yet. Wasn't he coming?  Or did he also decide to skip class because of what happened?  I looked at the seat beside me because that was the seat assigned to him, it just felt empty not seeing him in class.

"It's a 5-page quiz, so take your time, you have 20 minutes for this quiz and...", the rest of Mr Corny's words got drowned out by the sound of my rapidly beating heart. Tyler just arrived.

"I'm sorry I'm late. The principal called me to his office.", Tyler said

"That's fine, take your seat", Mr Corny responded not even looking at Tyler.

As Tyler made his way to his seat, my heart started beating harder and faster, I was certain everyone could hear it. He looked up and caught my eye and I felt hope bloom in me for a second but just as quickly as he looked at me, he looked away without even a hint of recognition in his eyes. It was as if he had never met me.

I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. There were always two sides to warm and welcoming people like Tyler, on one side,  he was very kind and made you feel seen but on the other side, he could also be very distant and cold and behave as if he had never met you before. I have now tasted both sides, it is a bitter-sweet taste.

I'm not even sure what I wrote on the test. Throughout the test, my hands kept shaking uncontrollably and my throat felt so dry. I barely answered half the questions,  I forgot what I knew and even the ones I remembered, I felt so unmotivated to answer them, I just wanted to get out of there and go home.

"Time up! Submit."

                        * * * * *
"Hey, mom. Hi Dad", I said as I passed the living room. My parents are home early today which is weird, today is Monday,  and they should still be at work.

"Heyy. How was school?", my dad asked.

"It was fine, thanks.", I replied

"Honey, could you come here for a sec.", my mom asked.

"Alright? ", I answered sceptically. My mom is using the tone of voice she normally used when she had something important to say and I'm not really in the mood to talk about anything but I have no choice but to hear what my parents have to say.

I sat on one of the chairs and waited for my parents to start the conversation.

"So", my dad started then cleared his throat, "are you okay or is there anything you want to tell us or?"

"Um", I started wondering where this conversation was going, did they notice that i was feeling kinda down today, "yes I am. Why do you ask?"

"Are you sure?", my dad pressed.

"Yes, I'm sure Dad. I'm fine. Did something happen?", I was worried at this point. This is weird.

"It's just honey, we noticed you have no friends and you talk to no one. Are you....sad?", my mom said hesitantly before quickly adding, "Because it's okay if you are, we can help."

"No, Mom, I'm not depressed. I've just not really met anyone I want to be friends with. "

"Are you sure? ", my mom pushed.

"I'm very sure, Mom. If there's a problem I'll be sure to tell you, I just really want my space from people for now and I've not really met my person.", I replied firmly to make my parents believe me.

Tw: conversation about suicide attempt

"Okay then. We just wanted to be sure because a girl at your mom's workplace attempted suicide over the weekend. She said she felt alone, nobody seemed to want to relate to her or talk to her so we had to be certain you didn't feel that way.", my dad said, looking worriedly at me.

"I'm fine, trust me. I talk to people but not being close to anyone is my choice.", I said,  my voice softer now because I now understood where my parents were coming from, they were just worried.

"Alright then, if you say so, your mother and I believe you", my father said with a soft smile while my mom nodded beside me, "and remember that if you feel sad or tired in any way, you can always tell us."

"Yes, it's exactly as your dad said, we love you, Lauretta.", my mom added.

"I love you both too."

.

The conversation with my parents made me wonder if I seem sad to my parents due to my lack of friends, or if perhaps I seem strange to them. I can't accurately tell because it could have been the events of today that triggered the concern from them.

All I  know is that I have literally felt numb for my whole life. The strongest negative emotion I have ever felt was today when Tyler absolutely ignored me like he had never met me before. Actually, I can't exactly say it was negative completely because all it did was spur me on to become better. I will be starting my dance classes tomorrow and the fitness program alongside. I know I would become the lady I envisioned in no time.

Friday was when I would be going for the cheerleader tryouts and I was excited. Tyler told me not to go but what could be the worst that could happen in an open area where everyone would be? I will try my best and from there achieve everything I want.

Sorry, it took so long to update. Been absolutely unmotivated to do anything lately but I have to keep pushing of course xo.

Tag of the chapter: -Yeonjinx