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"I've been having a hard time adjusting

I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting

I didn't know if you'd care if I came back

I have a lot of regrets about that"

this is me trying - Taylor Swift

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*Trigger Warning: Sensitive Topics Discussed*

Chapter Twenty-Two:

< James >

I sat across from her at the café, watching as she absentmindedly moved her fork through the fruit parfait, as if searching for the right words in the swirl of yogurt and berries. The last hour had passed in silence—Everly had found herself lost, emotionally drained after finally admitting the weight she'd been carrying for so long. I didn't press her. 

How could I? 

The heaviness in the air spoke volumes, and after everything she had confessed, I could feel my own heart trying to settle from the shock. My hands trembled despite my best efforts to steady them, praying she wouldn't notice. But she did. Everly noticed every little thing to her determent.

Hearing those words come from her—it was more than hard; it was devastating. Everly Belle Calloway, the girl of a thousand faces, always had one for school, one for her family, one for her friends. But with me, those masks fell away, and I saw her. Truly saw her. For exactly who she was. I was the only one who ever had. And even when she admitted the darkness she'd been keeping hidden, the part of her that had thought about giving up...

It shattered me. But didn't surprise me. 

Because deep down I knew. I fucking knew she was hanging on by a thread. She was trying her best to keep it together for everyone but herself. Because that's who Everly was...who she was programmed to be. And I realized I wasn't doing enough to show her she didn't have to hold it together for me. She never did.

I knelt beside her in the hallway when she first told me, in that moment, it felt like my world was crumbling. Because my world truly didn't spin without Everly in it.

I always feared for Everly—the recklessness, the danger she never seemed to care about—but this? This was different. It wasn't the wild, carefree girl I grew up with tempting fate; it was someone who had accepted she may not survive it.

The thought had been gnawing at me, and I hadn't realized the storm of emotion crossing my face until I saw her glance up.

How could she ever think she wasn't worth the love she was given?

I blamed her mother.

I blamed her father.

Fuck...I even blamed myself

All these years I took her for granted, thinking she'd always be there, no matter what I did. And the entire time, she was wishing she wasn't.

"James..." Her voice finally broke through the silence, soft yet full of meaning. She reached across the table, her hand covering mine, stilling the tremor that had given me away.

"Evie..." I took a deep breath, trying to steady the storm building inside me.

"Tell me, what you're thinking?" she asked softly, her hazel eyes locking with mine. Those eyes—God, they said everything she couldn't bring herself to say. They were a maze of emotions, swirling with pain, guilt, and love. So much love for everyone but herself. I felt like I could get lost in that hazel storm for the rest of my life, and maybe that's exactly what I wanted.

"I'm thinking... I could really use a drink right now," I joked, desperate to ease the weight between us. But her brows furrowed, and I realized my timing, as usual, was terrible.

"James..." she sighed, her voice laced with frustration and sadness. She understood my misplaced sarcasm as a defense mechanism, I'd used since I was a boy.

"Eve, I'm thinking my heart's broken," I confessed, the truth finally pushing past the walls I'd tried to keep up.

"I'm staring at the love of my life, and you just told me that if it hadn't been for me, you would've let herself drown that night. The thought that you didn't want to fight for yourself. It's unimaginable for me to think. But to hear you confirm that you truly believe you weren't worth saving." I swallowed hard, feeling the sting in my throat as my emotions took over.

"Eve, take a step back and imagine—just imagine—what my life would turn into without you. I'd burn the world to the ground."

Before I could stop them, tears slipped down my face. She reached out, her hand gently brushing my cheek, her touch soft full of love.

"James..." Her voice trembled, and I saw her lip quiver.

"Can we go?" she asked, her eyes pleading for a way out of the heaviness. I nodded, silently leading her out of the café. I was about to call Percy when she tugged at my hand.

"Let's walk a little," she insisted, her voice soft but certain. As the first drops of rain began to fall, I agreed, knowing how much she loved the rain.

We wandered through the cobblestone streets, the rain falling harder with every step. The city of London seemed quieter, wrapped in the downpour.

"I love London..." Everly sighed, her voice wistful. "It reminds me of when the only thing that mattered was getting home before curfew." She laughed lightly, the sound both nostalgic and bittersweet.

"I always made sure you got home," I grinned at her, the memories flooding back.

"After I had to come save you from whatever trouble you'd gotten yourself into," she smirked, glancing up at me. The rain was pouring now, soaking us through as we reached the bridge. She stopped, leaning over the edge with her arms out, letting the rain wash over her. 

"I loved you, always... always," she whispered, closing her eyes as the water hit her face.

I stepped closer, wrapping my arms around her waist from behind. 

"I did too. Always," I whispered back, holding her close.

She opened her eyes, tilting her head back to look at me with that familiar mischievous smirk. "I know," she laughed softly, "Took you long enough to admit it, though." With a playful glint, she slipped out of my arms and started walking ahead.

"Everly! Get back here!" I shouted, feigning annoyance, but I couldn't help but laugh. She spun around, her eyes dancing with mischief.

"You'll never catch me!" she teased, breaking into a run as she darted across the bridge and into the park.

"Oh, we'll just see about that!" I yelled, chasing after her through the grass. It didn't take long before I caught up, tackling her to the ground in a fit of laughter. We tumbled together, the rain falling in sheets around us, but in that moment, nothing mattered. 

I kissed her again and again, and for a fleeting minute, we were fifteen. For a minute, the world was just us, and nothing else mattered but the here and now.

"I love you. I love you... I love you," I whispered between each kiss, desperate as the rain poured down on us, as if my words could somehow be the bandage to heal everything. As if saying it over and over could save her from herself. Could they? God, I prayed they could.

When we finally paused for breath, she stared up at me, her face wet with more than just the rain. Tears mixed with the downpour, and she let out a soft, broken mumble. 

"I know... I know you do, James. It's the one thing I'm sure of. The one thing I've ever known to be wholly, undeniably true. And I love you just the same, in every possible way." Her voice cracked as she laughed through her tears. 

"But I'm tired, James. I'm just...tired. I want to have fun. I want to just be a teenager. I want to just be your girlfriend, James Beaufort. But..." She paused, her voice trembling as she confessed, "I can't. Because I'm me, and it feels like it's going to kill me."

I lay beside her in the grass, the world falling quiet around us despite the rain. I couldn't look away from her, couldn't tear my gaze from the girl who had always seemed so strong, now unraveling in front of me.

"I run every day," she whispered, her eyes searching mine. 

"Do you know why?" She didn't wait for an answer. 

"I'm running because if I stop, I'll have to catch up with myself. I'll have to see what I've become, and I'm terrified. I don't want to face it. James... I'm a robot. I'm perfect. And I'm fucking exhausted." She let out a bitter laugh, the weight of it sinking into the earth beneath us. "The expectations, the rules, the responsibilities... the constant disappointment. All of it. I'm worn down to nothing, and I don't know how to stop."

My chest tightened as I listened to her, every word a dagger to my heart. This was Everly—brilliant, beautiful, and strong—now shattered under the weight of everything she had tried so hard to carry alone. I wanted to take it all away, to hold her until the exhaustion melted, but all I could do was lay there, wishing my love could fix what was broken.

Before I could stop myself, the words just spilled out. 

"Let's run away."

I half-expected her to laugh, maybe tell me how ridiculous that sounded. But she didn't. She stayed quiet, as if turning the thought over in her mind. And then, finally, she smiled—really smiled, like I hadn't seen in what felt like forever. The sparkle in her eyes was back, even if just for a moment.

"Where would we go?" she asked softly, her voice carrying a note of curiosity. It was the first real smile I'd seen from her in weeks.

It hit me then—her birthday was just days away. It was the perfect time for an escape.

"You let me worry about that," I grinned, excitement growing in my chest. 

"I promise, it'll be the most carefree you've ever felt. Picture waterfall showers, your handsome boyfriend lying next to you with a perfect tan... in a private villa, maybe even an island. I've got the time. All I need is for you to get your head in the right place, so you can actually enjoy it." I kissed the top of her head gently, breathing in the familiar scent of her hair.

"Deal," Everly said, her eyes meeting mine, that glimmer of hope still shining through.

"Now, if you don't mind," she teased, her lips curving into a playful smirk, "I'd like to try something again... maybe somewhere a little more private like your room this time." She winked at me, letting out a soft sigh. 

"I promise I won't freak out."

I looked at her, not sure how to respond. "Eve, I'll wait. You deserve time to heal, too," I said, trying to be patient, even though my heart was racing.

She just laughed, shaking her head, her voice low and teasing. "I don't want to wait, James. I just want to jump you, Beaufort. Can we just go for it?" Her eyes roamed over me, intense and hungry, as if she was undressing me with her gaze.

"Whatever you want, Princess," I murmured, the heat between us igniting as she grabbed my tie and pulled me down into a kiss.

But just as everything felt like it was finally falling into place, one phone call shattered our world in an instant. In that moment, I knew—nothing would ever be the same again.