"Suzume started school today. She made a lot of new friends, but she came home covered in dirt and food."

My fingers combed freely through sandy blond, the slight build up of grease not bothering me at all.

"She, uh, drew a picture for you...Would you like to see it..?" I paused, waiting for a verbal response, but all I recieved was a sluggish shrug. Sighing, I turned from my seat upon the arm of the chair and reached to grab the sheet of paper I had entered with, holding it up before my husband.

Our daughter had begged and pleaded with me to allow her to give it to him herself, but something told me it wasn't a good idea. The man I called my husband wasn't Keigo at the moment. He hadn't been for a long time. I never knew how he would react.

Keigo's dull amber eyes scanned the drawing for a few moments before he turned his head away, releasing a slow breath.
"Tell her it looks good..."

Well...at least he's speaking tonight...

Keigo always had his ups and downs. After he had been found amidst the carnage of the Liberation War, he had been forcefully 'retired' due to his injuries, both physical and mental. It had taken him almost seventeen months to even utter a word.

I had given birth to Suzume without him, thankfully having Fuyumi by my side as support. Even when we had finally gone home from the hospital, he didn't seem interested in having much to do with her. He'd watch her, stare at her, but never once made any attempt to hold her in his arms.

When he had finally spoken, it was coarse and damaged by the burns he had endured, but it had still given me hope. That was because he had been speaking to our daughter. At nine months old, Suzume had crawled over to where he had been seated on the couch, pulling herself up to her first stand, just to reach him.

"Good girl..."

When he had said those two words, giving our little girl a light pat on the head, I cried. I cried so hard that I almost threw up, I was so relieved. Even if he rarely spoke, he still had the ability to.

The doctors had told me many things. Countless reasons for his state. Brain injury, post-traumatic stress disorder, catatonic depression, cranial trauma, possible pre-existing health issues. Prescriptions and referrals to rehab, therapy, so many medications and remedies. They didn't help.

The fall had resulted in trauma to both his skull and spine. He could still walk, but it caused him great pain. He had been prescribed Vicodin, but it was rare for him to take it. It almost seemed like he wanted to suffer.

Personally, I believed everything he had endured in his life had caught up with him, and the loss of his wings had been the final straw. The one true freedom he felt he had had in the world had been ripped - burned - away, never to return.

"I'll tell her...o..or...you could maybe tell her yourself? Tomorrow before school? She'd love to hear it from you..." I responded softly, placing the picture back down where I had fetched it from.
"No." I hated it. I knew he was hurting, and I understood that he didn't want our daughter to see him in such a way, but it was hurting her too.

"Keigo, please. She really mi-"
"No." He repeated himself, much firmer than before, and I completely dropped it. There was no use getting him upset. It wouldn't help anybody.
"O..okay...I'll let her know, then..."

Sighing, I allowed my hand to slip from his hair down to rest upon his opposing shoulder, feeling the slight flinch my touch caused him. Everything within me wanted to pull him close and kiss him, hold him, but he would never have let me. He continuously pushed me away, both physically and emotionally.
"Why are you still here?"

Not again...

"Please don't sta-"
"Just go with Natsuo already." Hearing that from him made me feel sick. My heart twisted deep within the cavity of my chest, and I had to bite my cheek so I wouldn't snap back.
"I love you. Stop telling me to leave, because it isn't going to happen."

Cautiously, I moved down from the arm of the chair into his lap, feeling his entire body tense.
"Leave me alone..." I could tell he wanted it to come out much harsher than it had, but I didn't budge.
"No." I replied quickly, resting my head against the front of his shoulder.
"What if I told you that I hate you?"

Keigo...Please...

"You don't." Again, a quick response, and I held onto his shirt with surprisingly steady hands.
"I do. I hate you."

"No you don't."

"I truly hate you."

"Then push me away. If you hate me so much, then prove it."

Exchanges like this happened so often it was almost part of our routine, at least when he did speak. As usual, he didn't respond, nor did he try to push me away. He just remained tense, still, his heart thundering loudly beneath my touch.

Just once, I wanted to hear that special name he had given me pass through his lips. To feel his arms wrap around me, even if it was just one last time. I couldn't leave him, even if I wanted to. Guilt ate away at me, despite it not being my fault. I knew it, but it didn't change the way I felt.

"Mama..?" Startling, and feeling that extra hard flinch coming from my husband, I climbed up and off of my husband's lap, turning to spy Suzume peeking in through the doorway.
"H..hey, Starshine. What's wrong? Couldn't sleep, baby?" Hurrying over, I took a quick glance back at Keigo, whose burdened expression I could see in the reflection of the dark window.

"I wokeded up and heard talking...I thought maybe I could say goodnight to Papa..?" The hope in her eyes pained me more than I could have ever put into words, and I picked her up having to nudge one of her wings out of my face with my nose.
"Starshine, I-"
"Goodnight."

I paused, unable to tell whether I was excited by Keigo's acceptance, or hurt by how obviously forced it was. Even so, I felt the shiver of joy run through my daughter, and she held me even tighter.
"Goodnight, Papa! I love you so much!"

Keigo didn't respond to that. He just sat there, staring into the blank darkness through the window. Suzume deflated a little, and I heaved a long sigh, adjusting her on my hip as I began to carry her from the room.
"Come on. Papa's not feeling well tonight, so how about I tuck you in again, hmm?"

At least he acknowledged her...

"Suzume." Mid-step, I stopped when my husband called out, Suzume almost flinging herself over my shoulder as she perked up. "The drawing. It's good..." It was difficult to hold back tears at that point. My daughter was vibrating with happiness, and I smiled sadly to myself as she loudly thanked him.

Down the hall and back into her room, I tucked her in beneath her DynaMight sheets, making sure she had both her Gang Orca and Uncle Enji plushies by her sides.
"I knew Papa would like it! I made it super special for him, with love and pretty colours and extra love!"

Stroking her hair lovingly, I nodded along, both overjoyed and saddened by her response to his recognition. She just wanted her father, and I couldn't blame her. The worst thing was, it would likely have been much easier if he hadn't been around at all. I hated even considering the thought.

"Of course he likes it. He loves you, Starshine. He just...isn't well at the moment..." Why did it have to be so difficult to explain things to children? The situation was too much for her to ever understand at such a young age.
"One day, when he's finally better, do you think he'll draw with me?"

My heart can't take this...

Biting back tears, I nodded once, completely unsure of whether I was lying to her or just giving her a possibly false hope. Keigo may never get better. That was the cold, hard truth of it all. I couldn't tell her that and break her heart. Broken parents were enough.

"It's late. You need to get a good night of sleep for school tomorrow." I chuckled, leaning down to press a kiss to her forehead.
"Fine, but only because we're having chicken tendies for dinner tomorrow and I want time to hurry up." She replied with a yawn, squishing down into her pillow and closing her (E/C) eyes. "I love you, Mama."

"I love you too, Starshine." I whispered, slowly backing out of the room and closing her door, making sure that I was at least halfway down the hall before I stopped and crouched down, covering my mouth with my hands so my sob wouldn't alert either her or my husband.

Tears streamed down my face, warm and heavy, pooling and drizzling from the edge of my hand. All I wanted was my family. I knew that I did technically have them, and I was beyond lucky for that, but it wasn't right. My husband was broken, and my daughter was suffering because of it.

Barely able to catch my breath, I kept my mouth covered as I dropped the rest of the way, curling up in the fetal position and letting my most recent round of bottled up emotions flow free.

Keigo...Please, come back to us...She needs you...I need you...

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***It's 4am and I'm well past exhaustion :)

Yes, he's alive. Kind of.

Another artistic addition by my 5 year old (she's sick at the moment), so art credits to RJ Squid!

Next Time: Better For All of Us***