I desperately needed help with the baby. I knew John would be the most knowledgeable on how to take care of him. He charged his way over to my flat as soon as I called. Sitting on the mangy couch in my small living room, holding Zak close to his chest, John sneered playfully at me.

"I'm glad you called. I knew you would be in over your head..." John teased. 

"I'm glad, too," I said. "I'm not sure I fed him every hour on the hour like Maureen told me to," I added with a chuckle. 

"I'm on it!" John stated, taking the bottle.

As I watched John feed Zak, I couldn't help but notice how good he was with him. It was hard for me to believe John had a son of his own. Maybe there was a sensitive soul under that cold, tough exterior after all...

"John, why aren't you at home with Cynthia?" I asked suddenly.

John looked up at me, narrowing his eyes sternly. He then looked back down sadly. Clearly, I had struck a nerve. 

"We don't talk much these days..." he said curtly. 

After a long pause, I pried a bit more. "And why is that?"

John sighed miserably, "Things haven't been the same since Julian was born. I leave most of the mother hen stuff to Cyn. I just wiggle my ass, strum my guitar and bring home the dough."

I attempted to stifle a chuckle. How could John crack jokes like that, yet still sound so upset while doing it?

"Truth be told, I'm scared of the damn boy," John continued, snorting lightly. "Imagine that. A father, scared of his own bloody son!" his voice raised bitterly.

I nod thoughtfully, "That must be a drag..."

John narrowed his eyes at my understatement, "And what about you? Why didn't you call Paulie-boy over here to help you? He's surely better with kids than me..."

I faltered for a moment as I glanced down and bit my lip, "I don't know..."

I twiddled my thumbs, an awkward silence filling the room. As much as I tried to avoid eye contact with John, my gaze kept getting drawn to his shiny auburn hair as the cheap lamp overlooked him and Zak. 

"The bugs in this dingy flat are gonna fly right into your mouth if you keep staring, love," John pointed out with a smirk. 

I chuckled, smiling almost as brightly as the lamp.

"What'cha thinking about?" John asked with a grin.

"You're just...not who I thought you'd be..." I admitted, suddenly taken with his presence.

"Well, what did you think I'd be?" John questioned with a snicker. 

"Just...more mean underneath the mean!" I answered with a soft laugh.

"Ha, well! I can tell you you've opened up like a flower since you've started hanging out with us. You used to be the girl who would hide in her office, deathly afraid that someone would find out a bloody thing about you. Now you're confidently striding in your hot green dress, even putting me in my place! It's fucking sexy, Abbie!" 

My eyes widened at his intense remarks. I looked down bashfully. 

"Uhh, here, do you want to hold him?" John handed Zak to me, frantic to change the topic of conversation. 

I smiled weakly at him, "I guess. I don't think he likes me very much. He's a lot quieter when he's with you..."

"Ah, nonsense! He just cries out 'cuz he wants attention!" John chuckled.

"So, like you?" I baited as I simpered knowingly. 

"Aha, there you go again!" John pointed, strangely excited.

We sat quietly for a few minutes when all of a sudden John perked up again. 

"Abbie, do you want kids?"

My mouth fell slightly open, "Well, Issac and I never talked abo--"

"I asked if you want kids..." John pressed.

"No," I stated simply.

"Oh, really? Why not?" John asked, intrigued. 

I shrugged, "I've just never been that interested..."

John nodded in understanding, "Well, for what it's worth, Zak is sleeping quite peacefully in your arms right now..."

I looked down in shock, I had forgotten he was in my arms. He, in fact, did look completely at peace. John and I exchanged a smile. Though I still didn't want kids, it was nice to know they didn't completely hate me.

***

After I put Zak in his cot, I leaned against the railing and stared down at him in anguish. The baby was no longer causing me trouble; however, I could not say the same about my own innermost feelings. Why did I invite John all the way over here, away from his own home and family? 

Despite what he may have said regarding Paul's way with children, I knew John had the most fully developed paternal instinct. In that sense, he was the most logical person to call. Still, I couldn't help feeling a bit guilty, almost as if I wasn't being completely honest with him or myself about my true intentions.   

I asked myself how I ended up here in the first place. I thought back to when I first met the boys. I was a naive girl of only 19. Brian had been showing me all around the studio, saving the Beatles for last. I still remember the curious looks they all gave me; they appeared to be almost as innocent and wide-eyed as I was. As a band, these four lads from Liverpool weren't people I idolized or even knew much about. I wouldn't start to work at EMI full time until a couple years later.

At first, my only intimate tie with the group was through the music I saw them work on. I was initially drawn to Paul because he seemed the most independent, as evidenced by the song he started working on earlier this year. Yesterday, then known as 'scrambled eggs', quickly became his baby; he would pick and proddle at it incessantly.

While everyone else soon grew annoyed at his persistence and perfectionism, I was thoroughly impressed by his passion and drive. The lyrics of the song especially stood out to me. He was writing from a certain place of forthrightness and vulnerability there that I hadn't seen from Paul before. There he was, incredibly comely and clean-cut, living his dream and singing from the heart -- the very pinnacle of perfection.

Of course, at the time, I wasn't able to verbally express this to him. Incredibly unsure of myself, I was never someone who felt fully understood by anybody. It wasn't until I started to get to know the boys on a friendlier level that I realized they all genuinely wanted to get to know me better. Through spending time with them, I began to feel more comfortable exposing deeper parts of myself.

"Everything alright, love?" I heard John ask, snapping me out of my pensive state. 

My eyes widened a bit, "Um, yeah, just reflecting..." 

John chuckled, "Well, mind if I join you?"

I gulped, "Not at all..." 

John smirked, "Why do you always look like I'm about to slap you?"

"I don't think you're above doing that..." I replied seriously.

"Nonsense, I'd never lay a hand on you!" John exclaimed, his voice firm and sincere. "...I'm not like the other men in your life..."

I looked away quickly, gripping the edge of the cot. "Did Paul tell you..?"

John shook his head, "I connected the dots..."

I could feel the tears form in my eyes as I exhaled shakily. I didn't want to be this frail person anymore. How could I ever be the fully-realized woman I wanted to be if I let little things like this stir me? 

"Don't cry, Abbie..." John cooed, sighing gently. "God, I'm such a halfwit!" he chided himself as he smacked his forehead. 

"It's not your fault, John..." I assured him, wiping my eyes. And it was true. I let all of this happen.

John's eyes stared intensely into mine, "Goddamn it Abbie, I wish...I just wish..."

"What? What is it, John?" I asked, blinking the tears out of my system.

John sighed in exasperation, "I wish I could have...been there. At the right place and the right time. I could've saved you from that. Your coward ex never bloody did!"

I shrugged, "I didn't know you then, John. That's just not how things played out..."

John groaned, "You didn't have to go through this alone, Abbie..."

"But I'm not alone now, John. I met you..." I stated wholeheartedly.

Choked up, John fidgeted and brought a fist to his mouth as he looked away for a few seconds. As he slowly inched his head back around, I caught a glimpse of the raw John. For once, not putting up any kind of front.

Suddenly, I felt myself leaning towards him. My heart was thumping so hard against my chest it was leaving me breathless. John eagerly followed my lead, his eyes wide and loving. 

Once I realized what I was doing, I let out a panicked shriek. This, of course, woke up the baby, leaving us both a frustrated mess. 

John said nothing but shot me a fierce glance. As if to say, "Really? You had to go and Gail this up?"

Unfortunately, I most certainly did. Frantically picking up Zak, I got the hell out of there. I spent a few minutes just gently rocking him back to sleep in the kitchen, while also reeling back from the intense bout of emotions I had just experienced which seemed to hit me like a truck.

Soon afterward, John appeared in the doorway. 

"I'm gonna show myself out, Abbie. You seem to have the baby under control now..." he said somewhat regrettably.

I nodded anxiously, "Um, yeah. I think that's best..."

As he walked out, he looked solemnly back for a second. "The death of me, Abbie, you're gonna be the death of me..."