LUHAN'S POV
what really happened?!! I'm so curious..
I can't find any answer even if I turn my brain upside down. I even tried to ask my professor, but he's in a meeting.. yeah, he's one of the "most respected" professor here.. like he is one of the VIP's, maybe next to our Dean?
anyways.. I think I'll just force Tao to tell me what that thing he was trying to tell me right? yeah.. right.. I'll figure first what Tao wants to say. I'll just skip about what Hee Rin and my prof talked about.
so as i walk back to my room, i sat beside Tao as i rested my arms on his shoulder.
"yow panda, what is that you really want to say?" i smiled as i punch his chest lightly.
"wh-what? oh, ahaha. it's nothing hyung, forget it" he laughed sheepishly.. this panda sure knows how to keep secrets huh?!
"come on buddy, just tell me" i forced.
he sighed heavily as if giving up.. then he ruffles his hair, frustrating.
"hyung, i think Hee Rin is the one responsible for telling you, not me" he pouted. i look at him with a puzzled look. i guess he's right..
i sat back on my chair with my confused mind. i'm really dying to know that thing! i wonder what it is? does it something to do with me? or with my wife? or this freakin' school? o-or... gaaaahhh... i really don't know.

When I got home, I throw myself on my bed, thinking how frustrating this day is.
my wife isn't here.. I don't know where she is.. i tried to call her but she won't answer.
then I take nap as I felt tired, still with my uniforms on.

when I woke up, it's already dark outside.
I can hear the sound of the television in the living room.. i guess my wife came back.
actually.. i got used to her being snob, but ofcourse that's not what i wanted.. but it's been almost a month? but i guess i have to accept it.
no matter how hard i try to bring back the old times, at the end of the day, i will realize that the old times are just meant to be reminisced.

i walk to the living room lazily.. Hee Rin was watching pororo with her crossed legs while holding a bowl of cereals, it's too childish but really cute..
"where have you been?" i asked as i sat beside her. she gave me a confusing look.. she look at me from head to toe, as if judging me.
"aren't you going to change?" she asked. oh yeah, i'm still with my uniform.
i went back to my room and take a shower..
it took me 30 minutes showering cause the water is so refreshing.. so yeah.
as i was about to open my door heading to the living room, i heard Hee Rin, she was talking with someone on the phone, she was murmuring, trying to lessen her voice.
i can't hear it cause the television was on and the sound of it battles with Hee Rin's voice.
so i turn the doorknob, as i step out of my room, Hee Rin looked at me and she quickly hung her phone up. i try not to think of any question's in my mind, something like 'who is she talking to' or 'what are they talking about' cause i know, i might not be satisfied with Hee Rin's answer.
as i sat beside her, she straightened her back and sat properly.. she looked tense..
she would take quick glances at me then she would gulp, i don't know what's happening with her.
as a husband, i want to know what my wife is thinking or what is her problem.. but i don't know if Hee Rin would answer me.. but i guess i have to try.
"Hee Rin" i muttered.
"huh?"
"is there something you want to tell me?" i asked while looking at her. when our eyes met, Hee Rin quickly look away.. avoiding my gaze.
"uh-no.. nothing" she answered with a shaky tone.
"you know, if you have difficulties or whatever, remember that i'm always here to listen.. not as your husband, but as your friend as well" i said with a sincere voice..
then she turn to look at me, and our eyes met.. she didn't look away nor say something.. she just look at me with those eyes.. those eyes that are so hypnotizing. her eyes looks sad, happy, confused, frustrated..
it was so silent.. except for the sound of the television.. our eyes were locked with each other, as if waiting for something to happen.
then unexpectedly... my heart stopped, my breath cuts off and my vision went all blurr.. all i can see was flowers.. flowers and butterflies, they're everywhere.. as Hee Rin hugs me.
it's indescribable hug.. something rare? beautiful? i don't know what the perfect word to explain it.. but the feeling is so magical. i don't know how to explain it, cause even words can't find it's own meaning.. but something is missing and i don't know what is it exactly..
then.. my mind drifts to reality as i hear Hee Rin's shaky voice.. she was crying, i hugged her tight and patted her back lightly, trying to comfort her.
"what's wrong?" i asked.. she didn't say anything but continues to cry on my shoulders. i didn't attempt to ask question again, i just let her cry..
then she pulls back while sobbing.. i look at her with my caring eyes trying to tell her that i'm here for her.
"don't be nice" she mumbled while wiping her tears..
"i don't want you to be nice.. bring back the cold luhan that i know" she said. trying to be confident.
i look at her, trying to understand her.. then i held her hands and burried it with mine.
"what are you saying?" i asked. then she look at me as she slids off her hands that were resting on mine.
"stop it luhan.. stop acting.. i know you're not like this" she muttered with her trembling voice.
"stop fooling around" she cried.
so i hug her again.. tighter that i burried her with my arms.. she cries even harded, i want to stop her but i guess i need to let her be.
i don't know what's running in her mind that makes her cry like this.. but i feel like i am the one responsible for this and i felt guilty.
When Hee Rin stopped crying, she looked at me with her sweet eyes.. as if memorizing my facial features.
then, she stood up and walk to her room.. not even saying a word.
i don't know, but i felt pang in my heart as Hee Rin walk away.. i feel so empty..
i mean.. i should be happy right? cause i finally felt her warm hug again? but why am i feeling this.. so sad.. lonely..

as i lied on my bed, my mind were somewhere else.. i was staring at this blank ceiling..
and i can't even sleep.. my mind was fully occupied with unsolved problems..
i don't know why i can't sleep.. and i know that there are two reasons why i can't sleep.. it's either too much happiness is in my heart that excites and makes my system work or there's a lot of pain in me that causes my mind to think of solutions..
there was this big question in my mind that i want to ask badly but i don't know what is it..

i was staring blankly for 3 hours with my busy mind, trying to solve the unsolved problems..
and as my mind got tired and my eyes got heavy.. i dozed off...



YOUR POV
my heart was aching too much.. too much that i couldn't even bare..
i tried to avoid luhan's gaze but my eyes has it's own mind that it find it's way to met with luhan's eyes.
this is not my plan.. how can this be? i'm so scared.

i know that i've changed a lot.. and i swear, i don't like it.. but i have to.
i can't just let this life drags me wherever they want me to be.. i need to decide on my own.. i need to listen to my mind atleast for once. i can't just be the ignorant and stupid Hee Rin forever, i need to fight for myself... and try to take luhan out of my mind.
but no matter how hard i tried to find something in him that would stop me from falling, but all i found out were things that would make me fall deeper.
but all he did was hurt me.. i try to understand him as long as i could, but then he keeps hurting me again and again.. and i got tired.
my mind was shouting badly how stupid i am.. how childish i am.. how blind i am for loving luhan..
and as i was hospitalized, my mind snaps me to reality.. that i need to stop being dumb.. that i need to think for myself first before anything else.
cause i can't just wait to die because of stupidity.. i need to wake up. i need to wake up from this nightmare.
and that's the time that i make up my mind.. i need to change.

and i can't just wait for luhan..
you know that feeling when you're just waiting? waiting to get home into your room, close the door, fall into bed and just let everything out that you kept in all day, that feeling of both relief and desperation? nothing is wrong, nothing is right either, and you're tired, tired of everything, tired of nothing and you just want someone to be there and tell you it's okay, but no one's going to be there, and you know you have to be strong, and for once, you just want it to be easy, to be simple, to be helped, to be saved, but you know you won't be, but you're still hoping and you're still wishing and you're still staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes..

i can't just stand here and keep them throwing stones at me.. i need to avoid them.

but when i see luhan, he gives me those feeling that no one can ever give. he keeps on changing my mind.
he'll love me the other day and would push me away the next day. and how am i suppose to deal with that?

so please understand if i gave luhan my cold shoulders.. i know that revenge is never right.. but sometimes, you have to hurt someones feelings just to let them understand how it felt when they hurt yours. and sometimes.. i want to go back in time and punch myself in the face..


so this time, i'll be the one to hurt you luhan, make sure i lose connections with you and have you cry at night, i won't be the one losing sleep and ultimately, i won't be the one to get hurt anymore.. let's see how much of this can take because when you did it to me, i took so much of it.. you don't realize how much it hurts till you experience it.

i need to find myself.. i need to find true happiness.


and tonight, when i hugged luhan.. that vision came again.. that vision of being with him happily. and i need to shrug it off, cause i can't change my mind again.. and now i know.. i can never fall out of love with this guy.. not in a million times..
i know i'm stupid, but being inlove is not totally stupidity.. it's just that, love is understanding someone.


i stare at him, trying to memorize his face.. those eyes that keeps me falling, that gives me butterflies in my stomach just by looking at them.. that nose that i am envy of.. and that lips.. that lips that gives me that feeling as if electricity running through my whole body when i touched it with mine.
making these every moment count, making these moment last forever.. cause these moment might not happen again, and i just want to hug him for the last time... maybe?







LUHAN'S POV

I stretched my long arms as I yawn.. wow.. sunshine..

I keep my body lie on my bed for 20 minutes before getting up.. then I look to my left, and there it is.. a flower resting on my side table..
I smiled while looking at it.. Hee Rin put it there, and I love it..

as i went to the kitchen, there's also a porridge for me to eat.. it was all prepared, and the house looks cleaner than before.

so i went to knock on Hee Rin's room to greet her good morning, but she didn't answer.. maybe she goes back to sleep again?
as i turn the doorknob to see what Hee Rin is doing, i was surprised.. no Hee Rin lying on the bed..
it's just her plain room without her.

i sat on the couch here inside Hee rin's room while humming..

and i found an envelope on the table.. and at the back of it, it was saying "to my dearest luhan"... it's a letter.. my heart skipped a beat and my knees become wobbly, i don't know but it felt so wrong.. then i ran to her closet, only to find an empty space in it.. no Hee Rin's clothes.. not even a single one.

and there it goes.. my tears fall carelessly and run down on my cheeks.. is what i am thinking right? is this true?

did Hee Rin leave??


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