
Chapter Two
ily
Chapter Two
The apartment is bigger than I expected, and cleaner too. What I had not thought to expect was the woman standing in front of me. Maddie towers over me with a least five inches, and she's covered in an absurd amount of tattoos. Her arms aren't just toned, but muscular, like she could pick me up and throw me with absolute ease.
I don't know how I feel about that, and so keep at least four feet in between us just in case.
She has naturally brown hair cut into a pixie. The long pieces on top are uneven, almost like she had been going for a shag look, but not quite. Or she was going for an even look, but the haircut is a self-done cut, and that would make more sense. It doesn't look bad on her, but as a hairstylist I want nothing more than to grab her by the hair and even it out.
"This would be your room." She explains as we walk into a bedroom that had windows overlooking the lake that was located behind the apartment complex.
I stare at the lake, imagining myself sinking in it. It looks deep enough to drown in and for some reason I've chalked that up as an issue.
That's fine. I'll deal with it.
We leave the bedroom, and she shows me to the living room, and the kitchen.
When the tour was done, she leans against the table, and crosses her arms. My eyes lock on her bare arms, and each individual tattoo over them. "You mentioned you just came here from work?"
I nod, "I work a lot so you wouldn't see me much."
"That's not an issue. Our schedules are most likely opposite anyway, I'm a nurse, I work night shift, and I also work a lot."
A nurse. Suddenly I feel lightheaded and anxious around this woman who is medically trained. Any medical worker makes me uncomfortable, especially when they stare at my body.
I avoid doctors for a reason. I don't like anyone analyzing my body.
I look down at my outfit, just for reassurance that my ribcage wasn't absurdly poking out. No, she wasn't even staring at my body, she was staring directly at my eyes.
Her intense gaze was unlike anything I've seen before. She was waiting for a response. Right.
Despite every voice in my head telling me no, I say to her, "I'm interested."
"Good, let's go over your conditions."
"Conditions?"
"Rules, like what you tolerate and don't tolerate in a roommate."
I blink at her. I was supposed to come up with rules? "Well, since we really won't be seeing each other, I don't have anything that I-"
She cuts me off, "Let me tell you my rules."
I shut up and listen.
"No boyfriends, men are not allowed over. No exception to this rule."
"That won't be an issue."
"That room over there." She nods to the second bedroom that I noticed had a lock on it, "That's my bedroom, don't go in there."
I look at the lock. That was fine, I had no interest going in there anyway. Though it was strange, I've never seen that type of lock on a bedroom door before.
"No pets."
I nod once.
She sighs when she realizes I'm not going to say anything and adds, "Just because I said no men, doesn't mean you can't have a life here. Female friends, or a girlfriend is perfectly acceptable to bring over. I'm not a dictator."
I repeat myself unintentionally, "That won't be an issue."
Her eyes narrow in confusion, "What you have no friends?"
I do not. "I choose my work over a social life at this moment." It was a lie, I didn't choose work over a social life, I just can't seem to build a social life, but that's pathetic, and so I don't tell her that.
To my surprise she nods to that, "I get it, I'm the same way. But if you bring a girlfriend over, just let me know beforehand. I don't want to walk in on anything."
I stare at her, dumbfounded that she genuinely thinks that sex is a common occurrence in my life. Rarely do I get with anyone, and if I do, I'm too drunk to notice them violate me.
"Right, I'll be sure to let you know." I give her a feigned grin, and she smile back. Her smile is nice, I like it, but at the same time, it looks off on her, like she doesn't smile often. I don't know how to feel about it
She's staring at me now, and all control I feel like I have of the situation dissipates into a mist I can't recapture. She is staring staring. Like she is trying to figure me out, and it's like I have forgotten how to stand, how to speak, how to merely exist.
I hate when people look at me like this. I am not something for them to solve, I am tired of waiting for them to realize that I am not some grand mystery, I'm just boring.
I quickly try to come up with any sort of topic of conversation to keep her thoughts off of me. "My lease is up at the end of the month. Does that work for you?"
She blinks at me, and then, "Yeah, that's cool. You can start moving your stuff in now if you need to. Payment starts once you're officially moved in. I don't have a spare key yet, but I'll get one for you by the end of the month. Just text if you want to drop some stuff off."
This was too easy. Again, red flags are popping up in my head but I am an idiot with no sense of self preservation for my physical health. If she was going to kill me, I think I might just let her. That is nothing of concern to me.
"I just want to reiterate that it's incredibly difficult to upset me." I want her to know I'm probably the easiest person to live with. "If you like to play music loud, or if you have uhh a girlfriend or something like that I don't get annoyed or anything."
"No girlfriend, and I don't play music." She looking at me like she's getting annoyed and I don't know how to take it. I decide to adhere to the fact that I'm uncomfortable, and find an exit from this situation and this woman.
I can't read her and that scares me.
Awkwardly we say our goodbyes, and I'm already relieved that at least I won't have to stay at my current apartment much longer. I made a mental note to stay out of Maddie's way. I'll have to go through extensive precautions to make sure she doesn't know that I live in her place. She seems easy to irritate and so I'll make sure to steer clear.
I walk back to my own apartment. Luckily her place was in between the route from mine to the salon, so I didn't have to walk extra. The sun in long gone and as it's soon to be winter, the air is beginning to get cold.
As soon as I get home, I drop onto my couch, and bury my face in my hands.
My heart is racing, and I want nothing more than to forget this day entirely. I should have known when Iris threw her tantrum this morning that that was my bad omen. The day seemed to only get worse.
I never should have agreed to move in with Maddie. I don't think we could ever get along and that's fine, but I'm afraid that if I can't read her, then I won't be able to know what annoys her and what gets on her nerves. How am I supposed to know to stop doing something if I can't understand what she's feeling?
I hate that I am what I am. I hate that I can't bring myself to voice what I want. I'm so easily influenced by the routes that are least troublesome to my mental health. Sometimes I use my mental health as a crutch, and I think this is one of those times.
I can't call her and tell her I changed my mind, because I don't want to disappoint her, and I don't want to seem like a liar. I am a liar, but I don't want people to know that I'm indecisive, or that I'm unable to make up my own mind.
I get up, I shower, and I'm in bed by nine-thirty.
I stare at the ceiling, and I go through the day, each and every moment, ever conversation I had, ever choice I made during a hair service, I overanalyze and question whether I made the right choices, said the right things. Always I pick apart my day and criticize myself. I'm always saying stupid shit. I'm always doing stupid shit.
I rub my arm, feeling where each bruise was. This time at night is a very slippery slope. The time where I highlight all my fuck-ups for the day. I can easily go from critiquing something I said, to hating myself for it to the point that I wish I was dead. This is my routine, this is what I go through every fucking night.
Last night I over-analyzed to a dangerous level. I began to regret things that really weren't worth regretting. That is why my arm is hideous right now. That is why I have been in pain all day.
I take several deep breaths and hit myself on the head a few times to try and get these thoughts out of my mind. I want to go to sleep. I don't want to replay my day anymore. I don't want to think about all the things I left out.
I don't want to think about Maddie, or how I really got myself into a terrible situation. This was going to be a disaster and there is no point in dwelling on it.
I will dwell on it, of course, because criticizing myself is the only thing I'm genuinely good at.
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