Because I'm Australian and Fed Up

This ain't an update, but just deal.

Alrighty guys, I've seen heaps of crap about Australia and how supposedly "dangerous" the animal inhabitants here are, and I felt it the solemn duty of an I-grew-up-with-Steve-Irwin-as-a-role-model girl to talk to you all about how completely and utterly incorrect some of the stuff you read is.

Prepare to have your minds BLOWN.

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Here is the list of TERRIFYINGLY DANGEROUS ANIMALS non-Australians are afraid of:

- Dingo aTE MY BABY
- Crocodiles
- Snakes. Just, snakes.
- ALL THE SHARKS. CANNOT SWIM IN THE OCEAN. SHARKS EVERYWHERE
- Blue-ringed octopus
- Spiders
- Mosquitos
- Box jellyfish
- Stonefish
- Giant crabs??? (what)
- Sting rays.

I am here to help you decipher why some of the things on this list are stupid, and why the fact that certain things weren't added is even stupider.

In truth, Australia is kinda messed up. But it's not as bad as you think it is.

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Here is my list of things you should be worried about:

- Salt water crocodiles
- Only particular snakes
- Bull sharks (NOT Great Whites, yeah)
- A few kinds of spider. And no, I am not referring to the giant hairy huntsman. Those spiders are babes.
- Blue-ringed octopus
- Box jellyfish
- Stonefish
- Kangaroos
- Koalas
- Drop bears

And the following paragraphs are reasons as to why the lists have changed. Be warned, though, of the final animal I will be discussing this chapter. Drop bears are not a game, and could possibly severely frighten you. Do watch yourself.

Rad = fun to hang around with and dangerous only when provoked, Mad = don't mess with this bastard, hella dangerous

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DINGOES (rad)

Commonly associated with the cry of a murderous mother (she was found guilty, y'all), dingoes are native Australian dog-like animals that are generally passive towards humans. If you leave them be, they'll leave you be. Period. They aren't dangerous to people unless you make them that way.

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CROCODILES (mad/rad)

As someone who has spent months in the desert outback of the Northern Territory and Western Australia, as well as the Queensland eastern coast, I can safely say with a crap ton of experience that you do not screw around with salt water crocodiles (mad).

When I say salt water crocodiles, I'm separating the two species of croc found within Australia; there are the fresh water crocodiles (rad), that are pretty harmless, and the salties, that would kill a man in a heartbeat. I've swam with heaps of freshies and have had no issues, but let me beat this into your brain: do NOT swim in places with salties. Those giant bastards have jaws stronger than a man who hasn't showered in a week's B.O.

(I swam in a river with salties in it once. Never again.)

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SNAKES (rad/mad)

There are heaps of them here. People will tell you to watch out for the brightly coloured ones with stripes and pretty patterns (rad), but do you know who the real danger is here? Brown snakes (mad).

Brown snakes are practically suburban and quite venomous. Them being so common throughout almost all areas of Australia is what makes them especially deadly; you're never safe from those buggers. They're always out to get you. My dad's mate cut one with an axe when we were camping, once. Nasty bastards, don't want 'em near you, trust me.

Anyway, apart from that and tiger snakes, those are the worst out of the way. We still have a lot of gross snakes, though. Be warned.

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SHARKS (mad/MADDER)

Y'all gotta chill with the shark stuff. Jaws ain't real, and neither's Finding Nemo. Our oceans aren't filled with fins.

Great white sharks (mad) are scary, no doubt. Crap load of teeth, "fight me" face. Sometimes, though, you can't judge a book by its cover. Well, you sorta can, because Great Whites are pretty nasty - well, off topic, anyway, my point is that they aren't the worst out there. That title belongs to the bull shark (MADDER).

Imagine floating on a river, happily enjoying the shade, feeling the fresh water around you ... and suddenly a bull shark murders and eats the hell out of you. That's right, folks - bull sharks'll swim upriver and are one of the most aggressive shark species out there.

I've touched wild snakes, swam with dozens of crocs, surfed with sting rays and the odd bronze whaler, and gotten stung by jellyfish, but I am deathly afraid of bull sharks. Be careful 'round them, dudes.

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JELLYFISH (rad/mad)

I got stung by a blue bottle (rad) once. Hurt like absolute Satan-infested hell, but it wasn't gonna kill me or anything, so it was cool. What isn't cool is box jellyfish (mad); the ones that hang up in the warmer oceans near the Great Barrier Reef and have stings strong enough to kill humans within minutes.

When I went snorkelling up in the coral reefs, I had to wear a stinger suit because of their threat. All beaches in northern Queensland have protection nets and gates. These bastards are frightening. They have a toxin that can stop your heart so fast you wouldn't even be able to say "hey, Jazz was right", and even if you do survive, the scarring lasts forever. Trust me on this, dudes. Blue bottles painful, but alright. Box jellyfish, not alright. Ever. Don't even try.

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SPIDERS (rad/mad)

First of all, let me straighten this out. Huntsmen (rad) are fine, okay, don't hurt the precious innocents of this world. All they wanna do is live their life. Let them be.

But don't let Australian funnel-webs (mad) be.

Native to Sydney areas (but spreading), these nasties are deadly and rude. Squish 'em. Burn 'em. Just kick them out of the house.

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FISH (overall rad, but a bit mad)

The fish here are pretty chill. Just don't screw with stonefish (mad).

I've seen quite a few of these bastards around places, and I'm warning you now: that rock is not a rock if it has eyes. Don't pick it up, because you might die. That would suck.

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OCTOPI (mad)

The blue-ringed octopus (mad), identified by its bright blue rings (if you can't figure out why it got its name, please start attending school again, your teachers miss you) and its small size of around 12 to 20 centimetres (5 to 8 inches), is something I hate.

This bitch can kill you in minutes. It literally stops your heart and can paralyse you. They will attack when provoked, and are usually found in New South Wales and South Australia. Leave these assholes be, yeah? Even the rings are telling you to go away.

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STING RAYS (rad)

There's only one thing I can say: MURDERERS. I WILL AVENGE THE CROCODILE HUNTER.

That, and that they're chill. I swim with them at the beach all the time. (Chill, yes, unless they are MURDERERS.)

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MOZZIES (mad, but not usually deadly, especially in Australia)

Mosquitos are gross, that's all I can say.

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KANGAROOS (rad)

Have you guys seen the Modern Family Australian episode where Phil gets punched in the face by a kangaroo (rad)? Yeah, that can literally happen.

They are everywhere here, and come with varying levels of comfort around humans. I know a place where I can pat the wild kangaroos, but if I were to try that on some random pack out in WA ... Yeah, I wouldn't even bother trying. You have to be careful with them, folks.

They look and act harmless but they gave big-ass claws and aren't afraid of using them. You have been warned.

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KOALAS (rad)

I know what many of you non-Australians are thinking right now: what, the cute, huggable little bears that sleep all the time??? No way, they're too adorable.

Well, friend, I can assure you that this ain't a joke. Koalas (rad) can be dangerous, especially if you treat them wrong. (Although, they are still adorable).

They have large claws, too, so unless you want to be scratched really hard and deep by a tiny little lump of fur and leaves, I suggest against touching random koala bears you find in the forest.

Also remember that this species is endangered, so treat them and their environment very very carefully.

(Once, a koala scratched up our car. Bastard.)

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DROP BEARS (VERY, VERY MAD)

A warning here, guys. Don't read on unless you're cool with being scared of dark, evil creatures of the night. Seriously, drop bears are terrifying.

We don't know a lot about them because they've only recently been identified as a separate species. What we do know, however, is pretty damn nasty.

Drop bears (VERY MAD), as according to their name, attack their prey by dropping down on them from the trees. They have been known to attack and kill humans. Because they're nocturnal, it's very rare to see one, but sometimes you are able to hear them in the trees. (They used to be mistaken as giant possums, but over the years Australians realised they were something very different). They don't sound that scary, but when you've grown up hearing stories of family and friends mauled by them, you start to get fearful.

Remember how I said I was deathly afraid of bull sharks? Drop bears are worse. A friend of mine got attacked on school camp one year and lost an eye. These creatures are really, really dangerous.

Do not mess with the drop bears.

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Sort-of-rant over. Sorry, I was reading an article ("23 reasons not to live in Australia") and I just got really fired up. Anyway, hope you learnt something. In conclusion:

- The dingo didn't eat my baby
- Freshies = cool, salties = uh oh
- Don't mess with brown snakes
- Don't mess with bull sharks
- Don't mess with a lot of other things, but not as many as you'd expect
- MURDERERS
- If you see a jellyfish, run
- Huntsmen are misunderstood
- The US's crappy gun laws beats us and our animals in levels of danger by miles
- Drop bears are evil.

In short, Australia is welcome to all!

Unless you're Tony Abbott.

In which case, you're a disinvited bastard and no one likes you.

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Love all you guys!

- Jazz