So apparently the yakuza don't like Uno.

You'd say it sucks for them more than anything else, except in this particular situation it's definitely the most shitty for you and Eri. Eri, who is currently trembling and clinging to your shirt with a kind of terrifying amount of force. Eri, who you are willing to — okay yeah this sounds dramatic but it's true, she's a sweet, sweet cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure — die for. And yeah, you, who's going to be doing some dying probably.

Oh, and you found out these are yakuza members! For plot convenience reasons of course, but it's not like that information helps you so anyway.

There's a bark of laughter from one of the masked dudes, a guy who is currently hanging off the ceiling and has some very greasy-looking hair, plus is holding a beer bottle or two to boot. Icky. You're definitely going to die, but hopefully it's not to him. He just laughed at the notion of Uno, so if anyone's dying it should be him anyway. But you digress. Back to the situation at hand.

They're closing in. There's assorted laughter. You're holding tightly onto Eri, eyes flicking back and forth as you consider how likely it is that you could escape if you just make a break for it. Channeling your inner Iida so that you can do mental maths for once, you come to the conclusion that it's about a nought point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero... add a couple more zeroes, zero one chance (0.0000000000001). Great.

You're gonna do it anyway.

Sucking in a sharp breath, you hoist Eri properly up into your arms and fucking sprint— only for everything to suddenly say "wack" and for you to topple right on over. You barely manage to keep hold of the little muffin as you practically collapse, but somehow you manage to do that and to break her fall. Ten points to Gryffindor. Now why the fuck is everything spinning? ...Oh worm I'm drunk now I guess-

There's another cackle from above amongst frequent hiccuping, and you look up just in time to get a drop of something cold and gross and very much alcoholic-smelling land on your nose. Lovely. It's the greasy-haired dude again, of course, somehow chugging and laughing his bloody head off simultaneously above you. You really want to kick him.

"BwahahahajahzizbJ! Already feelin' smashed,,, are ya? So... SooOo much of a lightweight you can't even st... stAnd up on yer own two feeeeet, haaaaah? BHhwhahuahahHauh- SAAaAaaAame, man!! Better keep yer distance or you're gonna be nAbbed while plastered! PfFTtahahsya- oH look- You already- You already have been- hHahahuHajajahshs—"

You're definitely going to kick him. And yourself, too, because for some reason you sat there and listened to his fucking mini monologue instead of attempting to get away. What a smart cookie. Well, this is one helluva way to go out, you guess.

You look around, get another few drops of beer on your cheek, and squeeze a now quietly-crying Eri close as numerous, blurry hands reach out for the two of you.

And then a giant white boot slams into the nearest guy's face.

All you can do is sit there and gawk as Ochaco Uraraka descends like an angel from above, whacking one yakuza guy into two others and sending the lot of them crashing to the ground. Then, with all her angelic grace, she turns and right hooks a fourth figure in the chin, hopping out of the way of another before he could slam into her. She continues ducking and weaving through them just like that, wreaking havoc in every part of the room she appears in.

Today, Ochacolatte woke up and chose violence. And you are so here for it.

You, uh, don't realise you've just been sat there staring until Ochaco turns after decking another guy in the ribs and hollers, "Y/n!! Run for the doors!!"

"Oh, shit-" You blink, snapping out of your reverie and stumbling to your feet, Eri still safely in your arms. You still feel a tad smashed, but, hey, when don't you? Off-topic question, that's an off-topic— "Right, yeah, c'mon Eri, we gotta gay- ahEm, we gotta go-" It takes a moment for you to spot the doors again, but once you do, you're off. You're nyooming, you're zooming- If only you had your heelies. You'd be so much faster than this uh,,,, drunken stumbling. You're fine, totally. Ahaha.

Luckily, Ochaco has your back (and Eri has your ear, which she keeps yelping into anytime a yakuza member gets too close) and follows along at a distance, taking out anyone who seems to start after you. Thankfully, you reach the doors soon enough, and awkwardly shift Eri over to hold her with just one arm so you can try to force them open. They're locked, of course, and as you look over your shoulder to check on Ochacolatte you vaguely wonder why these random doors are so conveniently here in the first place. You don't get much time to poke holes in the plot, though, because that drunk bitch is currently crawling across the floor towards you with an incredibly creepy likeness to a spider.

"Oh, what the fuck- I'm actually so over this, I'm-" You set Eri down with a huff, half-squatting and putting your hands on her shoulders while you talk to her. "Aight, so I'm gonna go kick that guy. You stay right here. And I mean right fuckin' here, or we're not going to Chipotle."

"W-What's chipotle?" Eri whispers, tilting her head to the side.

A single tear escapes your eye. And then you stand up, turn, and, for the first time since that tsunami that happened in your area when you were like two, you run. You sprint right at that greasy-haired motherfucker and mercilessly slam your foot into his nose before he even gets the chance to grab at your ankles.

You trip over his head and probably break your own nose when your face hits the floor but that's besides the point-

You give an overly-enthusiastic, "woOt wOOT" as you roll onto your back and then to your feet, stomping on the drunkard's head real quick just to, uh, just to make sure he's really down for the count. Nice. Dusting your hands off, you turn to roll back on over to the entrance, only to find a new threat - another random ass yakuza member is making a beeline for Eri.

With a soft, "Oh fuck no," muttered under your breath, you lurch forwards to go defend your new uwu baby child who is staying firmly rooted to the spot, but slide to a halt halfway there as you watch her absolutely chomp down on the dude's arm. You wince at his yelp. Ah, shit, my kid's gonna be d i s e a s e d - Continuing to skeet on over, you yell, "No, no, no, Eri, don't bite that, it could have rabies-" and soon enough you're knocking out this one too with another swift kick to the head. You didn't know you could lift your leg that high, actually. 😏. Anyway-

Scooping Eri up once again, you begin extensively lecturing her about rats and illnesses and the like - everything copied and pasted from one of Nao's many rants, of course. You have your own experience with biting things that probably shouldn't be bitten. Like play-doh. Before you can go off on a tangent about said modelling compound, though, you are once again interrupted, this time by your girlfriend, your wife, the love of your life, Ochaco appearing next to you. You practically flinch outta your skin at her sudden manifestation, but she's too focused on slamming her elbow into the door handle to somehow successfully bust it open to notice. You can't help an appreciative whistle at the feat, though that too is cut off halfway as Ochaco grabs your elbow and pulls you and Eri out of the door with her, and then into a rapid jog.

Ochaco's boots were clearly not made for walking, but that's probably a good thing right now as she swiftly leads your escape away from the yakuza building and towards a more densely populated area of town. Not that you're really surrounded by people for long - once you're in a public enough area, you're being tugged into an alleyway and finally released from her iron grasp. You awkwardly set Eri down once again (she doesn't move away from you at all, though, rather she stays pressed against your side and half-sobbing. You give her a hopefully reassuring little head pat, and she gives an extra loud wail. Shoot. Oh well) and look to Ochaco, who's currently  half-bent over and heaving for breath. Your own lungs are burning, but you're too cool to be anything other than confused right now 😎. And your nose hurts a tad more so that's that too.

"... So-" You start, and are, yet again, cut off. This time, it's by Ochaco abruptly spinning on her heels and throwing her arms around you (and Eri by extension) in a very aggressive hug. "Ow shit my ribs-"

"Y/n!" She cries, squeezing you tight as you wheeze and give a feeble, "it me", before drawing back to examine you with her brows pinched in concern.  "Do you know how gosh darn worried I was?? You -" She pauses, eyes going wide - "You're bleeding!"

You blink. Ah. Maybe your nose is broken. Or is at least bleeding. That's a yikes. "Oh nose. Hehe nose get it-"

Ochaco disregards your levity, giving a whimpering Eri a little head pat of her own as she digs through a pocket you didn't realise she has and comes up with a tissue. You're guided over to the wall to sit down against it, Eri clinging to your side all the while, and soon enough the flushed heroine is sat criss-cross in front of you, gently holding the tissue to your nose. Well, this isn't how I saw my day going. Not complaining tho 😌✨.

"Are you hurt anywhere else at all? Any cuts or scrapes?" Ochaco tilts her head criminally adorably, forehead still furrowed. You think for a sec, then shake your head. If you have any other injuries, your pain tolerance has said No❤️ to you feeling them. She squints at you suspiciously for a moment, and you finger gun at her. She ends up letting it go for now and moves onto checking on Eri, though she keeps her hold on the tissue against your nose. You just kinda sit there and twiddle your thumbs, because what else are you going to do when your new kid is washing your work uniform with her tears and one of the cutest girls you know is existing in your proximity? Well, shut down probably, but that wouldn't be too helpful.

Soon enough, your nosebleed finishes doing its thing, and after Ochaco has carefully checked that your nose is, in fact, not broken, the lot of you stand up again. She tucks away the tissue in that mysterious pocket again as she leads you back towards the street.

"I should really get back, but... please, please, please be careful on your way home, Y/n! We were all so worried when we heard you'd been kidnapped again... So you better look after yourself or I'm gonna hafta beat you up!!" She fixes you with a glare along with the threat as you and Eri step out into the sun again. 👀 I mean I wouldn't mi-

"Right, right. Will do. Probably." More finger guns, because, aside from being god, forming artillery with your hands is your only solid skill. You laugh sheepishly at Ochaco whining your name, hefting Eri up into your arms. "Okay, okay, I pinky promise- I have this small child to worry about now too, so uh,,, I'll see if I can order some common sense off of Amazon."

Ochaco pouts, but leaves it at that, probably figuring that this is the best she'll get from you. She wraps her arms around the pair of you for one last concerningly tight hug, before chirping a goodbye and promptly turning and disappearing into the crowd.

Welp. That was an ordeal.

Now where the fuck are you?

Cooing to Eri to hopefully calm her down (she's still at the sobbing, props to her resilience), you fish through your pockets to try and locate your phone. You fail, which sucks, because a) now you have to interact with the actual real world around you and b) no your other baby isn't with you :(. You sigh, but get to work, crowing some fucked up nursery rhyme or another as you wheel around on your Heelies™ and search for a way home.

You do eventually manage to get back to the café, although it's many hours later and Eri is asleep against your shoulder by the time you arrive. You don't really mind, journeying along like a champ and tucking your new kid in under a blanket on the staff room's sofa once you're there. And then you just,,,, return to work. As you do.

All's well that ends well, right? Is that how that saying goes? Whatever it is, your day ends relatively peacefully for all the havoc the morning was filled with. There's only one thing that troubles you all the while.

Ochaco didn't call you Flapjack.

—

not me posting an a/n about putting this on hold like a year ago and then completely forgetting that and getting stressed about updating anyway 🤪🤪✌️
anyway if you play genshin impact on the eu servers send me your uid i require more friends