why does my water taste like sawdust

this chapter is definitely not going to be good enough after all that crap happened

yayyyyyy i'm a failureeee

~

"You are a vile, vile creature. I thought I was evil, but you? You are truly the scum of the earth. I can't believe you would pull shit like this, especially after I spared your life. You don't deserve to walk this Earth. One day - one day you'll be face to face with whatever being saw fit to let you exist in the universe and you will have to justify the space you've filled with your unworthy presence. You disgust me."

"Chill the fuck out, Shakespeare. It's just a draw four (4) card."

"ExAcTLy yOu bITcH!" Crusty Thot shrieks. He's actually called Shigaraki but you don't give a fuck.

You've figured out that he's kind of a sore loser. Just a little. On the bright side, it means he keeps wanting to do rematches, so you get to claim more and more of all his earthly possessions every time you start again! Long story short, you're an absolute god at Uno, and this little shit made a mistake agreeing to play with you.

"It's honestly kind of sad that our scary boss is getting bested by a barista..." Blondie calls, swinging her legs from her seat on the counter. Most of the other villains woke up a while ago, but Shigaraki won't let them kill you because Uno. So that's fun.

Crusty Thot's head snaps round so quickly you're surprised it doesn't fly off (or do a Natsuki). "Shut it. You can't say anything after getting knocked out by them."

"Yeah, that sucked," she pouts.

"Can you just hurry up with the game already? I want to leave." Apparently Crispy Bitch is cranky now.

Shigaraki mumbles angrily under his breath as he takes his four cards. He now has six, and you have two - a blue three (3) and a wild card. All you have to do is play the wild and switch the colour to blue (if it isn't already), then put down the three and, boom, victory. You'll be fine as long as Shigaraki doesn't get luc—

"hA TAKE THAT, BITCH!" Crusty Thot screams.

You watch in horror as he slams down a draw four of his own. Thank fuck it doesn't stack, but this is gonna screw up your whole damn strategy! He cackles as you slowly take the cards. Three reds and a blue... Guess you're lucky, huh.

"This is so sad..." Crispy mumbles while his boss just keeps on crackling. That was meant to be cackling but fuck it I'm keeping it like that.

Insert a time skip of, like, five (5) minutes and you're both back down to two cards. You finally put down the blue three, leaving you with just a red five. "Uno."

Crusty Thot growls, and for a moment you get horrible flashbacks to when you accidentally found yourself on a furry discord server. He puts down a red three. OH, HELL YEAH- wAiT this bitch needs to say Uno.

You look at him. He looks at you. You look at him. He looks at you. You look at him. He looks at you. You look at him. He looks at you.  You look at him. He looks at you. You look at him. He looks at you. You look at him. He looks at you. You look at him. He looks at you. You look at him. He looks at you. You look at him. He looks at you. You look at him. He looks at you. You look at him. He looks at you. You look at him. He looks at you. You look at him. He looks at you. You look at him. He looks at yo-

"SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!"

If that's fucking Hawks with his fucking truck again I swear to fucking God-

You turn to see that it is, in fact, not Hawks, but a fuck ton of angry teens who have just busted the wall down. Oh, wait, those are your angry teens. That's nice. You turn back around and place your last card down, ignoring the fact that that the pile is now surrounding by debris. "I win, bitch."

"GOd dAmNiT." Crusty Thot starts to scratch at his neck, which is probably bad for him but whatever. His life. "I want a rematch!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" You're gonna take a wild guess and say that that's Bakuhoe.

"👀" You say to Shigaraki.

He stares at you, before reluctantly handing over your phone. FINA-FUCKING-LLY. I really just sat here for an hour for this. Bye, bitches.

"Wait, what's that on your shirt?" You ask, pointing. Crusty Thot looks down, and you take the chance to slam your foot into his nose and jump away. Nice, your plot armour is back. Apparently that serves as a good enough catalyst for all hell to break loose.

You carefully pick your way across the rubble as your dumb customers and the villains fly at each other. You're not sure where the heck they came from, but hey, it's cool. You kind of want a slushie now... A McFlurry sounds good too, though. Where even are you? You should probably get out of the way first, huh.

Almost walking straight into a portal, you reel back with your phone clutched protectively to your chest. fUn.

"Y/N!!"

Ah shit- Guess you're on the floor now. Wait, fuck, is your phone okay? You did not go through all of that for a smashed phone.

After checking and finding that there is now a giant ass crack across your phone screen, you realise that you're about to get a giant ass crack across your spine if whatever's on top of you doesn't get the hell off. You groan obnoxiously loudly.

"Oh my goodness I'm so sorry Y/n are you okay please forgive me I didn't mean to hurt you I was just worried and now I've gone and done this I'm such a bad hero the villains all got away but are you okay did they do anything to you did they hurt you please tell me you're okay I don't know what I'm saying anymore I just need to fill up a bunch of space to give the impression that I'm rambling but the writer's ran out of brain cells so yeah I guess this is happening now anyway aRE YOU HURT PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE OKAAAAAY!"

Next thing you know, you're upright again, but Izuku's hugging you and crying at the same time. You awkwardly pat his back.

"... You good, bro?"

"YYYYY/NNNNNNN!!" Aw, shit. Now there are more of them.

You find yourself sandwiched between a bunch of the UA kids who come to the café - guess your friends is a simpler way to put it - your phone beginning to merge with your chest as your ribcage is crushed. Does this mean the villains are gone? Probably. You don't think they'd be slowly suffocating you if someone like Crispy Bitch was watching.

"... What the fuck?" You ask. A fair question.

"You're gonna kill them if you keep that up, dipshits," Bakuhoe calls from somewhere past the sea of people. Aww, he cares.

Slowly but surely, the lot of them back off. You're left awkwardly standing there as they all stare at you and Izuwu continues to sniffle. You pat his shoulder comfortingly.

"You're not hurt, are you?" Ochacolatte! Cutie! She's here! I don't know what I'm doing anymore! Wooo!

"Nah, why?"

Izucutie stares at you like you're an idiot, which is fair, but also d u d e . "Because you were kidnapped by villains!!"

"I mean... yeah. But still, why?"

Deku deflates. Like, full-on goes into skeleton mode. He's eroding away.

Momomomomomo makes her way to the front of the crowd, crossing her arms across her chest. "As long as you're okay, everything's fine." uwu. "The police may have to ask you some questions, but you should be allowed to rest first. Do you want one of us to escort you home?"

"Nah, it's chill." You wave her off, not-so-subtly checking your phone for any more damage. It's fine, thank goodness. "I do need to head back though, so... bye, bitches."

You turn and strut outta there like the absolute queen you are... Apart from when you trip over a piece of rubble and almost smash your phone screen. Yay, now there are more cracks. God damnit. As you stand, a light in the corner of your eye catches your attention. Turning around again (Izuwu and the others are slowly diffusing apparently), you spot the culprit.

A phone? The fuck? Is this one of the villains'? You pick it up, staring at the MCR case. Sooo someone's an edgy boi. It's either Crispy Bitch or that lizard dude, you're calling it now. You shrug and pocket it, before skrrting on outta there - properly, this time.

It's kinda nice that they all came to find me, actually. You smile a little at the thought, finally turning onto your street. Thought I was just the dumb fuck of a barista slowly ruining their lives, but apparently not. Haven't had people care like that in a... while...

You slow to a stop as you spot your brother, glaring at you from the front door. Any happiness you felt from seeing your friends disappears, replaced with a sinking feeling in your stomach and the realisation that all of that was just the calm before the storm.

... Shit.

~

autocorrect why have you forsaken me
i'm sorry this is so bad and took so long guys
updates will hopefully be more frequent again after this

qna or qno?

kudos to StormyKitsune who helped in the making of this story arc