On my return home, memories kept flashing in my mind of the mistake I convicted just minutes ago. The thought was petrifying - I hated what I'd done.
 
   Sure, I did that every night, but the one night stands were me doing my job, and the guys were costumers. What I did with my boss was the real deal, and I absolutely hated that.

The time was only 9 AM, and the streets were busy. I saw people in business suits and people walking hand in hand, as well as people riding their bikes or sitting in café's and drinking their cafe while swiping away on their phone. It honestly made me feel even more enclosed than I already was, even with the morning wind blowing and the smell of freshly-baked bread from the bakery I passed next to. I kept walking and minding my own business, but the feeling like the world was staring at me and my teary face was too vivid.

I quicked up the pace, anticipating to reach my apartment until the familiar scent of warm coffee and the sound of singing caught my attention. My eyes gazed at the sign above it that read, "Miss Jackson" and then at the people inside, suddenly feeling jealous because of the way they laughed and kissed and were normal people.

It was the café I went to almost everyday to keep my mind off of things, and suddenly I came back to reality.

I really need to relax right now.

   I mindlessly walked inside 'Miss Jackson' and noticed the new board on the available servings above the heads of the workers. Smoothies were added to the menu.

I noticed the small crowd near the man making the smoothies. He was singing Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen and everyone seemed to enjoy it. The guy could really sing.

   I ordered a Caramel Macchiato and I stood with my hands on the counter and my eyes towards my hands, waiting for my coffee. Suddenly, I felt the urge to look up and I saw the guy with the smoothies staring at me. The crowd was already dissolved, and everyone went back to minding their own business.

   His eyes locked on mine for a few seconds before turning back to my hands.

"Alex!"

I heard my name and I immediately went to get my drink, nodding at the worker behind the counter. I took the warm cup of coffee and sat down on one of the tables at the emptiest corner of the room, avoiding crowded areas.

Taking a sip from my coffee I stared at the guy behind the counter, making smoothies. When he turned around he saw me staring and I choked on my coffee, coughing. I took the time to recover from the choking situation and when I was okay the boy started to approach me, smiling wholeheartedly but before he could talk to me I got up and hurriedly walked outside the coffee shop, colding my cup, feeling a slight relief from the danger of heartbreak I avoided, but I also had the guilty feeling in the back of my mind, and I regretted it.

By the time I was outside at the coffee shop, standing on the pavement I looked back at the boy and noticed that his head was hung low. He scratched the back of his head and turned around, walking back to the back of the counter.

Half of me kept telling me that it was a good thing, and that human contact was worthy to be avoided, but at the same time the other half part of my kept telling me,

You could have had the chance to a normal life

You just ruined everything

You're the dumbest human existence

You should be ashamed of yourself.

And suddenly, as I walked on the pavement to my way home, I broke down in tears. I leaned against an old building, hugging my knees and feeling more and more pathetic as some people passed me and some people paused to look at me, shaking their head and then continuing towards their destination.

No one cares.

I wiped away my tears and brought myself to stand up again, walking back to my house.

~~~~~

I carefully opened my apartment door and walked in, making the same amount of sound as I closed it. I placed my keys on the coffee table in front of my couch. I plopped on the couch and wiped my face, sighting. I looked at the ceiling and remembered the boy again. My mind flashed with images of him staring at me, the images of him smiling, and then him hanging his head low. His hair was short with a fringe covering 3 quarters of his forehead and his eyes were deep dark brown, and they were so beautiful - I just wish I could stare at them.

I snapped back to reality from the buzzing of my phone and I immediately picked it up, trying not to wake up the guy from my previous one night stand.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me." I heard my boss' voice from the other side of the call; it reminded me of what we had done earlier.

"Oh, um hi." My voice was low, I felt a pressure on my chest and I gulped. I hate this man.

"I called to remind you of the raise-" Not that again.

"-As I said before, you earned the raise. But, to keep it..." He trailed on, and I could sense the smile on his face behind the phone call, making me shiver.

"...You now have to take 2 costumers separately every day, or at the same time if you're willing to, but if you really want the big money raise our little fuck sessions will have to stay."

I gulped hard. So hard I bet even the guy in my room heard it, but I knew I was being paranoid.

Fear intensified our senses, I felt that by whispering I was screaming, the rubbing of my feet could be heard all the way to China, my heart rate was 100 times faster, my cells felt like the were exploding, my skin was crawling, it was getting harder and harder to breath, my throat dried up - I was having a panic attack.

"Uhm-uh..okay."

I immediately hung up.

I curled into a ball and started sobbing, trying to be as quiet as possible.

I can't understand why it hurts so much. Sometimes I'm so numb and even when I cry, I don't know what I'm feeling.

Sometimes I'm just empty.

I heard a door open and my head immediately uncurled myself and sat up straight on the bed, my head's direction turned to the door - the place of where the sound came from - with my hands tightly holding onto the couch. For a second I thought that I was going to destroy it from the pressure.

Everything in my vision was blurry from the tears, so using my shirt I wiped them away. As I slowly dropped my hand with the now wrinkled shirt, I gazed at the man standing against the door wearing only a pair of boxer's. I forgot about him.

"Um hi." I said, still remaining in the same position on the couch.

"Hi." He folded his arms and leaned against the doorframe. He was relatively handsome; his green eyes and his dirty blond hair couldn't certainly not catch my attention, adding the fact that his face was definitely apposite to his muscular body.

He unfolded his arms and unleaned from the door frame, walking over to the kitchen. "So...what's for breakfast?"

I wiped my tears and with a silent whisper I answered, "Cereal. Just that." It's not that I didn't want to give him the food I had in my kitchen. It's pretty literal that I only had cereal. Just that.

And as I got up, fixing my messy hair and teary face I saw that even with the pretty satisfying as I must say answer that I gave him, he searched for food in cabinets and in the fridge, but all he got was cereal. In the list of characteristics that my first impression of him made was 'rude', 'hot', but mostly 'arrogant'. Not a surprise to me at all, to be honest. They're all the same, arrogant, bastards. He didn't even care about my tears.

I watched him eat as my mind wandered deep inside and I stopped crying for a while. 

Everyone has a fate. The fate is either good - or it's bad. I hate it when people always have 'god' as an answer. Some people answering 'god' in either a overly religiously way, or either in a sorta-wise but still troubled way. See, the overly religiously way people answer it in, is completely dumb. There's not an invisible spirit king good white enitity that's going to fix every problem in your life. On the sorta-wise but still troubled way side, people with this answer are partially positively right. When they say god the mean the whole package, not just an entity, but in a meaning that god is a theory, the theory that made the world, but their wrong when answering just that, because the theory is yet to be uncovered, yet to be known to us, so no, a theory of future, and past, and present, and size, and universe, and the whole world combined, isn't the answer to fixing your life. Period.

I don't know if I'm being a super stupid or a super smart being right now but it's worth something to try and find the truth, right?

Anyway, the guy at the coffee shop. He made me feel guilty for leaving all of a sudden, but I just wanted a coffee, not a romance novel written on the behalf of my life story. I have my job, my money, my apartment, why would I now need a friend too? I've been okay without one for a good amount of time. I'm satisfied with my life status. But god was he-

"Hey, where's the bathroom?" I heard a voice telling me and I snapped from my thoughts immediately. "Um, just down the hallway on the right." I answered to the guy eating my cereal and quietly lied down on my bed again, turning on the TV and giving myself a good distraction.